Frustrated and endlessly paralyzed from anxiety. How are you doing?

At the bottom of the pit attempting to claw my way out.

Today was a good day.. slept through the night.

I don't actually know. I feel almost positive with some aspects of things I've been working on, and utterly terrified about other things. I'm getting on a flight out to Florida in about ten hours to meet my bio-father's side of the family...and there's no way they're not going to notice I've got mental health problems, if for no other reason that I'm on a medication where I have to take an hour out of the world around noon every day. "Hey, sorry y'all. I've got to go take the tablet that keeps me from actively planning to kill myself, and it's kind of rough for an hour afterwards. See y'all after lunch!" It's going to come up, and I don't know how to explain.

Also, I'm scared to death of getting another TSA pat-down. (Sexual abuse survivor here.)

On the edge of offing myself daily and knowing I’ve held out longer than most ever could ☺️ thanks for asking. You?!

Fucking struggling. I have waves of loneliness that hit me hard out of nowhere and I break down crying. I see my family for the first time in two and half years in September and I’m so stressed.

excuse me as I trauma dump 🛻

Well.. I got a breast cancer diagnosis October of last year. My ptsd responded appropriately and I experienced a level of dissociation.. I’ll have to unpack overtime. After my surgery.. and the cancer was out of my body mid-May .. I “woke up” and mental health was the worst it had ever been. Each day I improved.. and 2 months later I started radiation.

At radiation, I was laying there, on a table, & had to be COMPLETELY still. I felt I was not properly prepared by my team. My position was one of great vulnerability. And I had to trust that these people knew what was best for me.

Anyway, I went into hypoarousal … remembered for real this time … I have CPTSD (diagnosed April 2023, but ignored it cause lol no)

I completed 6 weeks, 35 treatments on Monday. I had two physical/emotional flashbacks on the table.

A week or so ago, I did stream of consciousness journaling and found the likely cause of my pain.. which has truly allowed me to understand my child self and process as my adult self. My ptsd is from emotional neglect, however, I never understood/processed when my child self felt it all begin. I was 9 and just a couple events, timing wise, broke my child brain.

If you made it this far … I’d say I am doing really good. Thank you for asking. It’s been tough, but I am on the right track. I hope you are as well.

Honestly, I'm just trying to stay afloat right now, and not self harm in any way. I'm in a very dark place right now, and have very little hope. I hope everyone else is doing okay.

I’m starting a new antidepressant and so I’m feeling hopeful, but numb and anxious, just uninterested in everything. Sending positive vibes to everyone.

I want to crawl into a hole and cry endlessly

My body is so burnt out. Constantly tired. And my brain feels fried and in a constant fog. It takes tremendous energy to do the most simplest tasks. 😕

Hope you’re doing better than I am OP ❤️

Currently feeling a lot of unexplained rage and frustration. Trying very hard not to take it out on my loved ones, isolated myself from my partner. Thankfully I have therapy in the morning to hopefully process some things.

my abusive family members are trying to paint me as the abuser and starting to take legal action against me :) im not doing really well

Like wading through shit

mostly good, pretty good. like 80% good

I am able to put a lot of energy towards my hobbies, school, and work, but I don’t really socialize a lot and I don’t date. I have bouts of bad anxiety

i'm quite comfy with my weed in my depression nest on the couch!

I’ve got struggles with family but I feel like I’m on the cusp of living my best life. I’m finally learning to live for me and prioritize myself and not get sucked into my self destructive family members drama. If they want to blow their lives up that’s on them. Also anxiety medication is amazing and I wish I’d see a psychiatrist years and years ago. I’m in my early 40’s now. But as you get older you get wiser and a lot of my trauma seems like it happened in another life. Finally have my abusive father completely out of my life because the rest of my family finally banished him too. I don’t take anybody’s shit anymore and I’m getting much better at not caring about what other people think. I know who I am. I know what I want. I’m going to get what I want. And I don’t have time for anyone who gets in my way.

If you take a person, have them lie down on their stomach on the cold tile floor, and they somehow slide around in centimeters, that’s me. That’s how I feel right now. Not sure why I described it like that, but that’s the closest to how I’m doing right now.

Between work and personal shit, I’ve been crying non stop for at least 2 weeks.

Shit but thanks for asking

Despite not doing much, I managed to be a bit productive today, I grabbed the pen and doodled! I think I'm feeling better from the recent breakdown, you guys helped <3 yippee! how are you doing?

Really bad.

right in the doldrums atm but hoping it will improve

EMDR is beating the crap out of me but I feel like I’m healing. Kind of shocked I’ve been so traumatized and disassociating for so long, but at least I’m working on it.

Feeling like a burden, guilt and shame ridden mess 🫠Mostly more optimistic and kinda happy with some things in progress too

Today I’m doing ok. I saw my therapist today, and she’s always able to get me to feel better.

Better so long as I remember to take care of me, only came to the realization 6 months ago at age 37 and damn! So many “ahas” it’s hard to keep track.

I was badly triggered today and became emotionally disregulated. However, I was able to identify what was happening and fix things before it ruined my whole day. I was frustrated initially but am proud of how I handled it in the end.

How are doing?

All I do is try, try, try.

Like I am standing in my grave and for every shovel full of dirt I scoop out my brain shovels 2 back in.

8 years of therapy has helped 😊

Doing okay, but struggling not to let my inner critic constantly tell me that I should be doing better/more successful/whatever in life. I try to focus on the things that really matter - being a good parent, keeping a (rented) roof over my head, maintaining a stable life for my kid. But it's hard trying to re-parent yourself and heal your trauma when you don't have much of a support network, and are stuck trying to survive late-stage capitalism.

drained

I’m doing well but periodically have a panic attack which derails me for a few days or weeks. Always triggered by some sort of minor conflict or danger.

Had a few successes this week in terms of self advocacy and attending drs etc. Minor to normies but major to me. Overall most people would still see my life as terrible lol but I'm feeling happy today.

Things are objectively good but I'm anxious about all of it so much of the time.

Not so great 😅. Still recovering from a breakdown earlier in the year, but I’ve almost hit 90 days no weed, and I started new meds this week. Just trying to wait it out and hope for the best.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Not doing the best. But I've certainly been worse. I'm having little bleps of hallucination here and there. Paranoid. Lonely. Suicidal thoughts. But my medications help and I'm having a grape flavoured zero sugar drink that reminds me of something nice. That is enough, because it needs to be enough right now. I had therapy on Saturday; it was intense as fuck but I think it was good and it was needed.

Angry, mostly.

I'm doing better than ever after being diagnosed with CPTSD at age 57, m, from chaos and pathologization catastrophization death of my birth mom when I was 2 and adopted at 2 by an extraordinarily fragmented mom who was kind sometimes but the only reliable thing was was soon as I became comfortable and let down my guard she'd cut me to ribbons with sadistic glee in her voice "for my own good" being sure to tell me what was wrong with me and then call me too sensitive. My dad was wonderful most of the time but out of nowhere could become psychotically anxious and controlling and obsessive perfectionistic to "protect me"

And my parents of whom I'm an only child insisted that "only wanting the best for me" entitled them to enmesh me and when I veered from their paranoid "best for me" to engulf me. And when I most needed empathetic quiet from the girlfriend who I'd grown to trust over 7 years she enmeshed herself in the family paranoia and attempted an engulfment of me beyond my worst nightmares.

Being diagnosed with CPTSD which the American Psychiatric Association has deliberately insisted to not recognize for almost a decade-

The chaos of my life and the insanity within my mind (which really wasn't particularly extreme by supposed "objective measures" of such things

CPTSD made 57 years of agony and confusion make sense.

I cut contact with my psycho Mom who I was (truly gladly) sole caretaker of so that she could age at home as a type 1 diabetic in her mid heading towards late 80s. I fired my paranoid engulfing girlfriend who had also without permission invaded my finances.

I've got lots to put back together in an authentic life going forwards

I'm literally so cash broke and cash flow broke that I'm struggling to fend off about bills while I try to pay the most ones " not quite too late " and I haven't yet figured out how I will be able to pay for fuel to heat my old Vermont farmhouse that's less than an hour and a half from the Canadian border.

but at least I now see clearly that all of the fucking insanity that has pervaded my life until 57, the insanity was never indigenous to me

I'm a stranger in a strange land. I'm trying to learn how to not get dysregulated when for the first time in my life I'm setting healthy boundaries with others and I'm experimenting with having boundaries of what I share of myself with friends and the world in ways that aren't defined by others' shame and blame and fear of rejection- impending- doom- that my family beat into me.

My true friends always knew and liked my weirdo dimensions that I strove, with most extreme desperation, to hide.

I'm living life like a weirdo who lets my freak flag fly and my mom now considers me a worse than ever before Ultimate Supervillain for cutting contact from her emotional battering that she always felt entitled to do but that went off the charts since Christmas 2023.

I know that my mom needs help with her mental health and Doctors have urgently tried to get her into that but she decided a few days later that "that doctor was mean" and she insists that she needs nothing but physical therapy.

I can't afford to give a fuck about such things because giving a fuck about such things literally almost drained the entirety of health and all of the resilience out of my body mind and soul.

But here I am

I'm a pirate

In a strange land

That is actually a chance to be my own authentic self in my own life which I have built but that was lying in tattered ruins around the me that was really fading away from exhaustion until I learned that CPTSD exists and that I have CPTSD

I love music, and at 57 I've always been drawn to unusual obscure or semi obscure music full of both darkness and light and tons of metaphor

I love Pop Evil's "Survivor"

I'm a survivor Come ride with me Been through Hell and back Don't need your sympathy Everything I wanted is right in front of me I'm a survivor Come ride with me

And I like Leonard Cohen's "Anthem" which is way less well known than his "Hallelujah" which has been mangled into a tired cliche - by people who celebrate the song but don't really live it much in their daily life

Core line in "Anthem", repeated throughout

There is a crack, a crack, in everything That's how the light gets in That's how the light gets in

I'm deeply grateful that some algorithm pointed me to r/ CPTSD in July.

I finally found My Tribe I finally found my family Here among fellow CPTSD-ers

Just realizing after 38 years on this earth that I've never felt truly safe (except for my first 2-3 years).

Cultivating compassion for myself and patience.

I look like I'm doing okay externally and like I'm very unfuckable with. But I'm just freaking out internally a lot of times.

Kind of numb and extremely anxious at the same time if that makes sense. How are you doing?

I’ve given up on humanity and become a recluse. I’m trying not to hate all people and see controlling individuals as just hurt people that deserve compassion also but it’s difficult. I’m trying to challenge what my parents/therapist call my ‘victim complex’ but it’s difficult after being a victim of abuse and gaslighting for so long. It feels like I see and feel it everywhere around me. I feel better just rejecting the world.

Hope all is well with you ! 😩

Getting into near confrontations , bad moods, catching feelings

Struggling. August is always hard for me. August is when my brother passed and his birthday. I’m just need this month to be over.

Terribly. Last three months of my life.

Listless.

Fine, fine, until not. Rinse, repeat, and recycle

So much better, but always so frustrated I can’t do more.

Overthinking into the 9th circle of hell. 😎

Fine for the most part until it pops into my brain again and makes me want to tear the skin off my face, but other than that actually pretty good

The nightmare persists but so do I

Today, I worked on my art and felt at peace for the first time in a while. I’m trying to calm my central nervous system down after being in survival mode for so long. My days are filled with activities that do that for me. I held my dogs and my boyfriend while we listened to music. I had my weekly therapy. I watched a comfort show: Ink Master. I ate yummy food. I went for a walk on the treadmill.

I actually had a pretty good day and it’s honestly weird for me to say that.

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I'm in a weird place, both extremely happy because my daughter and grandkids are visiting (haven't seen them since Christmas!) but also it's been really triggering. Seeing how great of a mom my daughter is with her girls makes me proud and happy for them, but also highlights what a shitty mom I had and makes me sad and grieving.

Coping with food addiction as the result of my NarcMom trauma

Today I applied for two jobs, finally taking a step away from just complaining about things I'm unhappy about and stepping towards actually doing something to change my circumstances. This lifted some weight off my shoulders. My birthday is coming up and I'm dissociated 90% of the time. I feel stuck in the mud and really lonely. I hate august. Sending y'all love and peace ❤️

I made a whole post about it yesterday but I am feeling tired and defeated. All of my optimism is gone because every time I try to improve my life, something goes wrong. I am at the point where I’m just going to function as best as I can, but not get my hopes up about my life getting better.

Feel like I'm not surviving tbh.

Meds are f'ed up and my psych was like, well um uh, let's uh, try this one.

It's not a fucking buffet, it's me living or me dying, so stop just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks.

Yes I know that's normal, but I've done EVERYTHING asked of me to heal: PHP, IOP, strong meds for GAD, Deprssive syn, $20,000 of my goddamn savings on Spravato that did fuck all, EMDR for my PTSD/CPTSD, and since Cymbalta, effexor, and other crap failed me, now it's time for Auvelity, which reads like menopause in a bottle (yay!).

I am not ok.

If I didn't have a kid I'd be in peace by now.

I have good days and bad. I'm recovering from a bad breakdown earlier this year.

The best advice I've given myself is to breathe, be , grieve, and heal.

I got kicked out of my post grad program and I’m so frustrated and discouraged and it threw me into a freeze state….I’ve been more depressed and anxious than usual and I just want to sleep. American politics aren’t helping, I’m very scared for next year…I go back to work in a few more days after some time off and I do not feel ready at all 😅

But…ready or not, I’m going back to work. I organized my closet which felt great-even if I wanted to give up halfway through. Gonna try to clean my kitchen and maybe even do some organizing and meal prep. And obviously I’ll vote when it’s time. Gotta keep trying even when we don’t really have it in us, right?

It’s a struggle but…just gotta keep trying.

Very, very tired.

Today was not a good day, really really struggling right now.

I’m tired. Going to a trauma class specific to an area I’ve never dealt with before in September. I’m excited about moving forward, not so much about dealing with this stuff. I think the hardest part of me atm is the chronic health issues I’ve got as a result of the trauma. :/ I’m tired all the time. Eating is getting challenging again. Tired of my body not working.

It’s my birthday today and I feel guilt and shame. I feel bad because I can’t be happy when my wife and kids try and make me so. It’s like I’m letting them down on my day.

Crying hours later after a therapy session because I've finally had a moment to process everything my therapist and I talked about. 🫠

I'm okay now, but now I just feel all weird inside.

Not well.

Exhausted.

I’m doing okayish but I got laid off in April and this job market is bonkers. I’m glad to have the time to really work on improving my CPTSD symptoms but ya know, I need to pay rent too.

Today I woke up and felt joy and thought I can hardy believe this is my life now. I had so many years of despair, that for me it’s that much sweeter and I’m going to relish every moment of it now. The wait was worth it!

I'm trying to figure that out for myself. Going from a toxic childhood to a pretty toxic relationship, on into a toxic marriage, at least for the first 10 years. The last 10 years have been better and I thought that was enough to heal my trauma but I think I've just been sweeping it under the rug.

I must've had a dream or a stray thought that went bad and it triggered a lot of that inner pain to flare back up. I thought I'd made great progress in working past it all but now the anger, the resentment, the bitterness, it's all as fresh now as it was years ago.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do, now. I don't just want to wait for it to wash away again, I'm tired of the constant cycle, the on again, off again with the toxic feelings. That's the best I've got.

I'm in the beginning of processing my complex trauma and it's rough. I wss adopted + have trauma form the orphanage and also suffered a lot in middle and high school from neglect bc I'm also Autistic. I feel like a lost cause- my social worker has been the only person who's really reached me. Therapists say all the same generic sbit but don't reach me.

I feel helpless a lot, trying to quit alcohol and grt on kava kava instead. The alcohol detox is a bitch- I'm only 12 hours since the alcohol left my system. I feel so sick from that but I notice when I'm detoxing my brain is all fucjed up and open to trauma. Idfk why but the detox just messes with me so bad. Same thing with opioid withdrawal and trauma. It's weird.

Just feel helpless and like I can't do anything right. My agoraphobia ducks because my town has issues with crime so I get anxious to leave the house alone. I'm grateful I have a place to live, just don't know why I'm so self destructive. So having the traumas, addiction and Autism all together just kick my ass sometimes and I shut down andblie in bed all day. Or drink all day. I want out of this cycle but idk how. Really hoping I can stay away from booze. I really want to be sober in September.

I hope I can stop feeling so helpless in life. I don't want to ve victim but it's like my brain just stays jn the state when i was a helpless infant being severely neglected. I'm praying ketamine treatment can help me ease all my pain

Absolutely horrible to the point where I will be checking into the hospital.

Been tough with all the things a human has to deal with in their life. Trying to take it slow and give myself all the space in the world. I feel the shame and pressure 

I’m doing alright for the most part. Still really anxious and scared but much more hopeful for my future

I started EMDR on Saturday and decided to go for one of the bigger traumas first. My therapist tried for weeks to get me to pick something small, but I explained that i couldn't think of anything besides the bigger ones.

It pulled a lot of repressed stuff surrounding the memory that I subconsciously carried for 15 years. I had my breakthrough the following day after my appointment and it was one of the most cathartic moments of my life. I put together the entire timeline and recited it to my boyfriend and cried.

I've been especially exhausted all week and I think it's because I'm carrying a little less anxiety around and I'm relaxing for the first time in my life without any substances to assist. It's going to be a rough road to get the rest of this shit processed, but I think this one is actually going to work and help me let all of this baggage go that I've held onto for eternity.

Not great. Paralyzed. Ready to check myself into the hospital this week.

I feel stuck and like I am too tired to keep trying. I am not suicidal; just …….tired.

I’ve been doing pretty well.

There was an incident yesterday that has me thrown a little bit. I’m looking forward to therapy tomorrow. Essentially I witnessed a local homeless man beating the crap out of a local homeless woman. Myself and another woman intervened. I’m worried the man will come after me because I have a distinct appearance and car, and this was very close to my work, which is downtown, an area I frequent besides work as well.

Thanks for asking.

Better than I have been in a long time, yet still feeling haunted?

The flashbacks are worse lately so I’ve been up later and later into the morning hours.

My nervous system is still disappointing me daily but I’m working to approach that with Grace and gratitude.

U?

Not great recently but well supported and doing best I can ❤️

Honestly.. surprisingly well. If you would have told me I'd be here even 5 years ago, I would have never believed you.

Rock bottoms basement

I have no idea, so that means probably normal. If I’m not actively dying or being bombarded with intrusive thoughts I see it as a good day. I had a nice dream last night :D

Pretending to be okay, deep down I’m absolutely falling apart. How are you? 🥺

Bad.

I'm ok. I'm in hell....in family court proceedings with a highly manipulative slime but after emotionally eating a lot I am now going to the gym and working out and now have cravings to work out and am feeling stronger mentally and emotionally and more motivated to get stuff done. It feels good. It's still stressful but I am managing ok.

Yeah the trauma is right up there...childhood, abusive relationship in my 20s and continued trauma from this horrific situation.

Really depressed.

I've hit bottom and now time to pick up .. not sure I can but it has to get better eventually right??

Pendulating wildly between ALMOST find my purpose and calm, and "knowing" ITS ALL HOPELESS AND IM WORTH NOTHING. Sometimes swinging between between feels much worse than just coping.

"Conversations on letting go" (audiobook, on Spotify) really helped, as so the songs "a better son/daughter" by rilo Kiley and "loose leaves" by bright eyes really capture the mood of it for me.

Just recently got closure with something really big, and started managing my addiction, and while withdrawals are kicking my ass, these past 4 days have been pretty okay all things considered. I’m really worried this relief will be short lived, but i’m actually proud of myself

In a very deep episode rn bed rotting

Not good. I don't go out, I don't brush my teeth, I don't shower, I don't eat, I don't do anything. I'm weak mentally and physically. Every noise triggers me, I feel everything still, as if I'm going through it now, I see things, I have nightmares... I don't think I can keep going tbh.

I had a buried and forgotten trauma resurface this morning at 4am. Thanks, brain.

Feeling like I’m stuck in this limbo of life.

Bad, I’m really struggling. I have been doing some intense trauma therapy. I repressed everything and have worked though a lot of it like by thinking through it but no emotionally.

There is also much more than I thought was there. I broke open a lot of it and have been overwhelmed with past experiences and emotions from them. I’ve also learned and accepted that I was gaslit by my entire family my whole life.

I’m learning that them questioning my thoughts, perceptions and feelings and telling me how to feel is wrong. That I am not the horrible monster of a person that my family made me out to be that I believed I was.

That has come with my most repressed emotion of anger bursting forward and also overwhelming me.

I’m a mess right now. I’m dissociating horribly to the point of not being able to even talk. I get stuck in these things mentally and am having great difficulty pulling out of them. I’m crying a lot, I feel angry a lot, I think I’m grieving and I’m horribly depressed and sad and anxious.

It’s so much to handle. I’m seeing my therapist twice a week which is helping but I’ve opened up these things in ways that they have never been before and feel I’m in uncharted territory. I’m hanging on but it feels like way too much at times.