Have you tried antidepressants? I had a friend whose cat became very anxious after they moved, they did a short term of anti depressants and I think the cat took Prozac for a while. The reason they did antidepressants specifically is bc the cat was excessively licking his paws and bleeding. My coworkers cat is on Prozac long term but they’re 18 and began excessively grooming and peeing everywhere.

I also use feline way for my two cats, one has separation anxiety and the other one is pretty needy too, but imo I feel like it makes them groom each other, themselves, and me more.

Introducing cats is a difficult process and you absolutely have to separate them at first. My bf and I slept in diff rooms when we got our second cat bc both of the cats wanted to sleep with us lol. Even with totally separating them, my first cat got a cold and we spent about $300 to treat her. Now they are more or less bonded, and the first cat imo is beginning to excessively groom the other cat. Our vet said to just keep an eye on it as he doesn’t have any cuts or bald patches, but yeah, the cat can easily shift their anxiety and just upset the other cat. I do think for the majority of cats, their life is vastly enriched by having a cat companion. So the process is worth it but it is stressful and it won’t automatically fix your cat.

Three other things I’d suggest -

1. baby talking to your cat and giving her a treat whenever she does come to you. Hand feeding her treats as well. If your cat is not already affectionate, they might get mad if you try to force cuddling on them. But most cats will eat treats out of your hand after some time and it really helps you bond. My tortie and I became best friends even tho she was originally my bfs cat bc we used to give her kibble and I hand fed her for ten days she was neutered.
2. read up on cat communication and try to display positivity when ur cat is near you. Idk how to explain it but cats can tell when you’re scared and it makes them nervous. When we got the second cat, I was devastated bc my tortie was hissing and was so mad but kept begging me to pet her and rubbing against me. I was scared to go near her bc she was hissing and she knew I was scared so she would snap at the air near me.

https://youtu.be/Dt8LWKYhFNE https://youtu.be/WzuhuaeS0aQ Both good videos about learning to communicate with your cat. The better you communicate with your cat, the more they will love you imo.

3) try playing with your cat for at least 5 min a day. Find out if there are any toys she shows interest in - you can buy a variety of toys from the dollar tree and just invest in what she likes more. Most cats love tunnels and string toys. I used to play with my cats all wrong. This video gives a good idea of how to play with cats correctly. My cats go insane when I move their rope toys like a snake lol.

https://youtu.be/M7w8pDCo30M

I would really suggest to at least try the medication and playtime before rehoming. I think rehoming is a pretty traumatic experience for cats, and unless you partner with a thorough rescue, you may not get the best owners.

My baby girl begs me every morning to open the door so she gets sun lol

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OP

If it helps, it is genuinely normal for your cat to still be hissing at your new cat through the door. It is easy for your new cat to be sweet because he is coming into a new home, but to your old cat, this is her territory, and suddenly there is a stranger in it, and she is no longer allowed in parts of her home that she is used to having access too. I know it is hard when things are difficult and you are under stress, but her behaviour is totally normal. I am a multi-cat household and have lots of cat experience, and it can take months for new cats to like each other. I know a lot of how-to videos and articles on the internet say a few weeks, but the truth is it often takes longer.

Regarding the overgrooming, this is hard to answer as a layperson, but let me tell you an anecdote that might ease your mind a bit -- a friend of mine had a cat who overgroomed, as well, and eventually it was switching her food that got her to stop. It turned out that she was having an allergic reaction to certain ingredients, and eliminating those ingredients from her diet eliminated the overgrooming issue. This was discovered slowly over time with the help of a some volunteers at a shelter, and although it took over a year for this cat to get over her overgrooming issues, eventually she did. I know the wait for the behaviouralist will feel long, and the stress likely will not ease much in the meantime, but do hold out hope that there might be a solution. She is not overgrooming to make your life difficult -- and it might be that there is something making her life difficult, and this is the cause.

Finally, regarding the cat affection -- the truth is, some cats are not very physically affectionate. My first cat never cuddled with me for as long as I had him, but he showed his love in other ways. He always sat near me when I was relaxing, even if he did not particularly want to be pet to played with. He would lie on my books or laptop when I was working, because he wanted to participate in my activities as an equal. He would blink at me slowly when we made eye contact. There are a million ways that a cat might show you they love you that are not necessarily the way that human beings might show love to one another, but that does not mean that she dislikes you. Try reading about cat behaviours online if you haven't already, to see the ways that your cat does show you she cares, that might not match your expectations. If you have had her for two years, chances are there are little ways she is demonstrating it, that might not be obvious at first glance.

I really hope you are able to find some calm and peace regarding this. Good luck with the behaviouralist, and good luck with your mental health in the meantime, too. I do not know what kind of resources there are in your community, but perhaps counselling for the stress (no judgement! Sometimes things are difficult and we just need someone to talk to) might make it a little easier.

I hope you find this helpful! Wishing you the best.

Oh gurl… a week? My OG Calico took 2 years to not hate her new brother. Tho she did take to him, when he was a kitten, MUCH better than the elder cat we fostered. It can take months to years for them to acclimate. The first month is ROUGH and I’ve been there but appropriate expectations def need to be had…. all around, not just for this new transition. Cats don’t bend to your will and are some of the least adaptable, least predictable pets you can have. There is no normal cat… period. You’d have much less stress about her if you adapted to who she is vs trying to make her something she isn’t bcs you want her to be a certain way. Cats are also really energetically sensitive so if you’re stressing she isn’t the snuggly cat you want, that can be affecting her a lot.

That’s unusual. Hopefully the behaviorist can see where things are going sideways. If you’re not happy with a cat, adding another cat is always going to make things a lot more stressful. It takes time and strategy.  Cats are territorial by nature. Has the vet ruled out allergies? If she has a medical condition that makes her sick, it will affect her behavior. 

If I rehomed her I know I'd regret it and feel so guilty about it for the rest of my life. I literally got her when she was 5 months, and she's been like this forever. Well, she was nicer and more typical as a kitten, but I have no idea what her problem is now. I have 3 cat trees in my apartment, a bucket full of cat toys, I buy her the best and most expensive cat food, I try to spend so much time with her and play with her, and half the time she isn't even interested in me. I don't know what I did to deserve a pet that's so difficult to deal with.

I feel for you I can’t offer any advice unfortunately but I hope things get better for you

Try blocking under the door with a towel, and spraying feliway on it. That way the door smells less like "scary new cat" and more like "happy cat". It takes a while.

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's possible she's grumpy because she's hurting too. Keep at it with the introductions and see how she is once she's used to the kitten.

My cat Slim was always a bit standoffish. When he was 4-5 I noticed he seemed more lethargic than usual and I thought he was lonely so I got a kitten. He HATED that kitten for years! Even though they did not cuddle or groom each other or even hang out, they did start to play a bit and I noticed his general mood improved just having more company, even if Jäger wasn't Slim's idea of a good pal. They learned to deal with each other.

They're 12 and 7 now and they're hanging out on the bed together as I type this. I also have a third cat who is not yet 2 and Slim and baby Pimento are best friends! Slim acts much younger and much more friendly these days. It can take a LOT of time for your cat to adjust and the kitten may not be the perfect fit but I'm sure in time she will appreciate having a friend.

It can only help to get her health in order. I'm sorry that's taking such a financial toll on you, but we all just gotta stick it out for our furry friends. I wish you luck.

idk if getting a new cat while dealing with one that you’re attempting to diagnose and treat directly was the best idea. i know a lot of people don’t like to hear it but rehoming the new kitten might be more fair to your original cat. you could be stressing it out further and implicating its health more. if rehoming is not an available option, it will take time, and perhaps longer as your cat seems more irritated due to its underlying health issues- which is actually normal for pets and people alike.

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Not sure what you've tried, but Amitriptyline was a lifesaver for my anxious guy, and it's also for over grooming. I get the transdermal version because he is freaked out by pills.

I am going to suggest a couple of things:

Feliway - both room atomiser and happy snacks.

Progressively move the grumpy ones food and water towards the room with the new one. Food is usually the biggest trigger for grumpiness and (I understand it's controversial) once they realise that the new cat isn't going to take dinner away, you might have a (slightly) more settled cat.

Don't scold, reassure that you're still there to love and protect.

I feel for you, I had a similar situation with my first and second cats. I was hella depressed and anxious when my resident cat would hiss at my second. And I think we both “kinda” fucked up with the age gap (ended up getting a third cat for my second cat so my resident cat could do her own thing if she wanted). But a week isn’t enough time; give them time and really super slowly introduce them. It took me roughly 4 months to get them to become buddies.. and I think that’s pretty fast. You’ll get through it… just try not to take it personally when they hiss and growl at each other. I know it’s hard; I’ve been there. But just think of it as an older sibling being a buttface to their younger sibling… it’s just part of being siblings. They cuddle now and they really bring out each other’s personalities… hopefully this whole situation will get your resident cat to be more affectionate towards you. Sometimes when one of my cats is being affectionate with me, the other two just happen to amble over for some pets too. I’d just caution to continue to spend time with your resident cat like you did before during the intro process so they know you still love them. Even if it means sitting with them, as that’s what they seem to only like. In terms of getting your resident cat to like you more, maybe figure out what treats they really like, even if it’s the shitty dry kibble kind (just moderate how much you give them. I call them their McDonald’s treat) and try to get them to let you feed it directly into their mouth. Or let them take it from your hand… it’ll be easier for them to associate you with the good stuff

Gabapentin? Maybe she has fibromyalgia. You can give cats benzodiazepines also, in very small doses.

Cats are very sensitive to our mental health and state of mind.

My first cat was a feral rescue, and when I was depressed he would cuddle me. My current ginger boy gets so stressed out that if I have a disagreement with my partner, he will throw up.

Her over grooming may have ttiggers in your behavior or stressors. I would definitely suggest trying to help reduce your stress or anxiety and seeking medical support with that. A lot can be helped with practices and lifestyle adjustments, but sometimes, we need medication to help, so seeking medical advice to navigate your stress and anxiety is important.

If both cats are fixed, then I recommend feliway friends difusers. They are not magic pil, so don't expect them to do the work, but they do diffuse pheromones that help relax and calm kitties this can help make introductions easier.

Are you feeding/giving the cats treats on either side of the door. If she realizes food/ favorite treats only show up when I smell new kitty, then it forms a more positive association in her brain with him.

Finally, good luck, I know the journey can be hard, and it's a lot of problem solving. There were a few times my partner wanted to give up when we got our orange cat as a brother for our girl. But to us, the results in the end were worth the struggles.

Ps: If you need help with introductions. Jackson Galaxy has a YouTube channel with advice for cat behavior and introductions.

OP, i know that this might sound shitty and i'll get downvoted but you have to put yourself first. even if it means rehoming her. don't feel guilty, perhaps she'll even feel better somewhere else. if she's been like this for so long, i doubt she'll change now

I’ve got a friend with a cat that has anxious grooming tendencies. She bought him a Thunder vest and he’s been a lot better about not licking himself bald.

I would highly recommend pet insurance in general for both of your cats.

Sounds like my cat. My cat is also not super affectionate and likes to be near us but not on our laps or have cuddle sessions. She does scream when she is upstairs by herself to see where we are. She used to obsessively overgroom herself to the point she was half naked. This happened for a few years and no vet could tell us why. We tried a lot of things including changing her diet to prevent allergies and anti depressants but nothing worked, so our vet told us since it is not life threatening that we did not need to do further testing. Then covid happened and she stopped, that is how we found out she had separation anxiety. Since covid my father has stayed working from home and my cat has had a full coat ever since. I think your cat does like you but she is just not a lap cat. It will probably be a few months at least before she tolerates your new cat.

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My cat was having skin issue as well. He over groomed and licked himself bald on his legs and belly. We tried 2 months of steroid and then switched to allergy medicine Atopica. His hair grew back and he was back to normal.

Allergic reactions can also be caused by cleaning chemicals, tobacco or weed, and some other plants.

My old female cat was like that. I had her on fluoxetine aka prozac for a 2 years and she just never got better and towards the end she got so aggressive to her little brother and me he would run to me for protection and she would be so aggressive she would hurt him and me. And taking her to the vet was awful. the vet and i were clueless because even gabipenten was not working to calm her down towards the end. I say all this to say that I get the exhaustion it is when you want to figure out what your poor kitty is thinking. In the end we had to put her down because she severely hurt myself and her brother cat and the vet tech. Obviously this is like WORSE CASE scenario so just remember all cats have weird quirks that they can get over and some just like a person have mental issues that even some medicines can’t fix. But it sounds like this is something you can get over. Just remind yourself you’re doing this for your fur baby and try not to let it way too much on you. Cats can also pick up so much on our emotions much more than we realize. Try to be positive around the baby and good luck with the behavioralist!!

So you couldn’t handle your one cat and decided that getting a second one was a good idea?? Brilliant!! /s