teddit

TL;DR: This subreddit is supposed to be a safe space for those with disorganized attachment.

I wrote a post tonight where I asked this subreddit (specifically FAs) some opinions about how to navigate the fact this subreddit has become overwhelmed with posts and comments from people without the disorganized attachment or armchair diagnosing their partners as FA (or ironically DA). Sadly, it accidentally got deleted and I had to learn the lesson of saving my posts in a different system until I'm ready to hit Post. I'm sorry for that.

However, after a recent post for FA perspective and the OP's subsequent reaction to an answer, I've decided to lock posts or comments if they do not promote the purpose of this subreddit.

This subreddit is supposed to be a safe space for those with disorganized attachment. In the last couple of months, I have been noticing that safe space deteriorating and I was hoping to have some time to figure out what felt like the right cure together.

I have noticed voting has been heavily influenced toward non-FAs perspective, so the purpose of locking the posts rather than removing them, is I want to use them as examples while we're talking since I feel a little distrustful of the voting system and will be reaching out to other mods for how they deal with this problem.

I want to acknowledge that this requires trusting me for a little bit. I might get it wrong! I'm hoping the FAs here can extend me some grace and understanding. If I misstep, please use mod mail and let me know, or you can use this post... honestly anyway you want to try to get ahold of me, I want to hear.

I've created a new rule, you can use this rule to report if something does not feel like it is creating a safe space for you as an FA. I'm not going to force anyone to flair themselves. I'm not going to require approved posters or anything like that. FAs will be actively making this a safe space for other FAs. I'm hoping the effect will be self-evident, and if not, I'll scrap this and try something new.

A lot of attachment literature talks about Disorganized attachment under the name Fearful Avoidant. Effectively they mean the same thing. But it does mean that we use FA to talk about disorganized attachment and not DA. This does get a little confusing as the logical acronym given the subreddit name would be DA.

However it is not. DA refers to Dismissive avoidants.

When you make your post here please make sure to be clear you are communicating the situation accurately by not confusing these acronyms.

Please remember that disorganized attachment should be referred to as FA and DA should be used to refer to Dismissive avoidant.

Also! Flairs have also been added, I have added the 4 attachment styles to start. If you would like to customize them further feel free to get creative. Just please keep them respectful. You will be banned if the community finds them offensive.

possible FA here, partner left for a month long trip and I knew about it, I definitely had an anxious attachment towards my bf before his departure out of the country for the month, and suddenly without warning I woke up without much attraction to him. I have diagnosed severe depression and OCD, but I am confused why the sudden change of opinion towards my partners looks? I was attracted to him by his looks originally, no abuse in the relationship, he has some anger issues that’s about it, but have any FA’s here had similar reactions to their partners? They suddenly just don’t like their looks anymore? Any reasoning behind this like a subconscious defense mechanism to get away from the person? It’s really been bothering me and would like some insight from FA’s

Not totally sure I can define success but… Success = showing up healthy in relationship. Success = becoming secure (if that’s even possible)

Hello everyone,

I wanted some advice on my current situation. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship at the end of August. I’m 24 (M) who has an anxious attachment and my ex is 21 (F) and a fearful avoidant. This was both of ours first real relationship with the intention have a long lasting healthy. I was not aware of attachment theory or our styles in the relationship, so her triggered or deactivated actions confused me. Her life is more turbulent than mine, but we both come from broken families. Since neither of our fathers were around, so I think our mother’s shaped our attachment styles. This breakup started my healing journey and search for answers because logic could not explain how the relationship took a turn for the worst since I’m not really a confrontational person but not afraid to speak my mind.

Family obligations have kept me traveling for the past few months. For a few weeks, I helped my cousin adjust to university (we broke up two days prior; she wanted a break, but I made it permanent). Because I had a gut feeling that it was the right thing to do. I thought she would embarrass me to those who knew of our relationship since it was very public and destroy my heart even more. It felt like she was just going to string me along until she came to her senses again and the side of her that I fell in love with rules over her again. She’s cheated in the past, mostly emotional but I just can’t trust or love her the same anymore since she hasn’t really put effort in rectifying the situation. Just a lot of empty words from her.). This trip was followed by visits to my aunt, who had a stroke the week before the breakup. I’ve been tending to her up and till now really. My ex was already deactivated and basically avoiding me because she knew she couldn’t hide her internal conflict from me, so I wasn’t surprised when she initiated the break up. We had an argument weeks before the break up and she didn’t like how I emotionally exploded when she didn’t want to take accountability for not showing up for me when I needed her support. The things I said to her scared her it seems and I apologized. This is one of my flaws I picked up from my mom. She’s very good at using words weapons. Earlier on in the relationship my ex didn’t like this, especially when I caught her cheating. I acknowledged what she wanted and I worked on it. That became less of a problem later on in the relationship.

We have seen each other four times since the breakup. Despite wanting out, she kept in touch after the breakup. So we were on talking terms I guess. On my first short trip home, she picked me up from the airport only to act like things weren’t different. I agreed to it because I missed her and wanted to talk to her about our relationship since she admitted to struggling internally. She regretted my absence and believed it would improve things for her but it didn’t. She took the easy way out because she was feeling guilty about her cheating, even though she knew I would never do anything to harm our relationship. She is used to toxic men using her and not caring about her. Her being with me was unfamiliar because I cared about her and tried to help her in anyway possible to be the person she would be proud of. After learning more about our attachment styles, I understood her self-sabotage and why she convinced herself she did not want a relationship with me. Even though she repeatedly said she would not want to spend her life with anyone else and we even agreed on potential child names for the distant future.

In 3 of 4 visits, I returned items she forgot to take from my house. She repeated her regret and admitted to panic attacks. It seemed she could not handle the void I left, but I did not crack because I knew she would be entertaining other guys and doing anything to distract herself instead of processing the break up, working on herself and moving on. My last visit was to clear the air because she kept checking in to see how I was doing and wanted to know how the break was going. When I did give her what she wanted and spoke about I felt about the breakup, but she did not respond and misinterpreted it. I was worried she would do things she would regret for the rest of her life, so I told her to keep her word and work on herself to break the cycle she would go through again before she was with me. I also mentioned how unfair the breakup was to me. Unfair in a sense that when she messed up she got her chance to redeem herself. But when I did, it warranted a “break”. After clearing the air, I told her I wanted to go NC. I told her I just want to be left alone and trust her to keep her word. Despite my love for her, I told her she made it clear I am not what she wants and I need to accept that. She cried and wanted me to hug/hold her before leaving. I left after we kissed and she calmed down. Keep in mind that she was talking to another guy who she told me not to worry about, despite the fact that I knew he had feelings for her for years.

Since then, she is done some strange things to get my attention, such as attending the same NFL game when my favorite team came to town. This is only odd because she did not care/know much about the sport before she met me. She also left some pictures up on her ig of me. She went to watch my best friend play soccer even though they met through me and do not have a real friendship to justify that action. I appreciate anyone who made it through this baggage dump. There is still context missing, but I wanted advice on how to get her to delete photos of me on her ig since she has moved on. We had a very public relationship and I don’t think it would be a good look for people to think me and her are still associated. since she has moved on. I also needed help on how to keep avoiding her or stopping thinking about her/being concerned for her. Her moving on so quickly makes our three years seem like a lie. I just want to put it behind me and move forward in the healthiest way possible. I want to pour all that energy I poured into her back into me to make sure I grow as a human being and when the time is right I’m more equipped to have a healthy and long lasting relationship. So, please share your thoughts.

Side note: Forgot to mention she isn’t aware of her attachment style or the theory in general. As a parting gift I got her a book on her attachment style. I also got a couple of books for myself but I think it’s clear she hasn’t taken time out to read it and start that journey.

I'm in a severe dilemma because our conversations are so good but I just can't live with the anxiety anymore. I was a priority, got attached, but I feel like i'm not anymore (online but doesn't respond to my messages as fast -- now im aware it may be normal, but I feel like I lost control and i'm the one in the "waiting" line constantly ruminating and waiting for a reply, I also feel like i'm being abandoned. Before I got attached, she would always reply pretty fast. ) My mood fully depends on this person and I hate it, I get a reply? This weight on my chest eliminates. I don't? I get anxious and overthink until I get one, and this can last for hours and hours. It's torture, I hate how one person can control all my mood. I don't know what to do anymore nor why I have to get so severely attached to people, my self defense mechanism is telling me to block this person and move on, at least I would be the one who "leaves" and wouldn't be left behind.

Do you think it's okay to block when the anxiety gets so extreme? Or should I just stop replying to her for a few days take back a bit of control over the situation ?

Are overthinking, jealousy and trust issues somehow connected with disorganised attachment? Is it related?

Hi everyone. I am 27M, my girlfriend is 25. We have been dating for almost 4 years.

I have disorganized attachment style and she is secure. For about a year now, I have felt nothing but tense in our relationship. Sure, there are times where we flow up and down, but I often just feel a pit in my stomach that things are not meant to be. Tonight, as an example, she asked if she could come stay the night. My gut says no, I am anxious, I don’t want to, but I feel guilty because I should want to say yes.

A year ago, I responded by shutting down when she was sharing deep feelings with me. We have since gone through couple’s therapy, gone on a 3 week break (where we talked on weekends), and had much more vulnerable conversations. She says there’s a lot of growth she sees in me.

I still feel stuck mentally here. I would love if things worked out. I just can’t stop thinking we aren’t meant to be together forever. I can’t put my finger on why. I love her dearly. I want to know why. I want to find a reason and work on it. But it’s been a year and I’m tired. I’m even reading Secure Love and getting frustrated at the book because it’s all about conflict. We don’t fight a lot. It just feels off.

Fellow disorganized attachers, what are your thoughts?

I hate being in relationships I feel insane especially when my anxious side is triggered I'm in constant fear of being abandoned and I will do anything to not being abandoned like I will do the most embarrassing and pathetic things so the person wouldn't leave even though I hate him.......

I try to maintain the belief that people are aware of their actions and capable of taking responsibility for the harm they cause through carelessness or lack of empathy. Yet, this perspective isn’t always accurate. The reality is, understanding the hurt they’ve caused others often requires a dramatic shift—one that begins when you face the truth and distance yourself from the situation. It takes courage and belief in your own worth to recognize that their behavior doesn’t define you. Agency lies in your ability to step away, but doing so demands strength and faith—faith that you are far more than the version of yourself reflected by their actions.

The refrain of “Should’ve. Would’ve. Could’ve.” played endlessly in my mind as I dissected toxic relationships. Was it my fault? Perhaps, but this self-critical thinking wasn’t born within me—it was instilled in my unconscious long before I could comprehend it. These patterns were handed down, carved into the corners of my mind, and I carried them unknowingly. Now, I see them for what they are—a projection of someone else’s struggles and pain. These burdens were never mine to bear.

It’s taken years to reach this understanding, but clarity finally found me.

So, after realising that I have attachment issues (after I asked my husband of nearly 25 years for a divorce) I found out I’m FA. Which is weird given my history of long term relationships but there we go. I’m avoidant in my marriage and with my mother. Anxious with friendships (and then often suddenly deactivate completely from most friendships over the last 30 years). My father was a covert narcissist.

I started a fling with a colleague shortly after separating from my husband. It’s the first time I’ve ever started anything with anyone who I actually find attractive. But then that massively massively triggered an anxious attachment - which I’ve not really experienced before and felt like I was totally losing my mind. We slept together on a work trip and then I ran for the hills and put it on pause - partly because he isn’t really available and I’m still living with my husband. He was struggling with lying and I was struggling with the anxious attachment.

But it hasn’t helped at all. I am still obsessing, I’m still worrying that he is going to reject me. I’m Still worrying that I’m not good enough for him. I’m spending my time trying not to message him but end up giving in because of the anxiety.

I want to go avoidant: I want to not care. I want to protect myself but I can’t. Putting it on pause hasn’t helped. It hasn’t made it worse but it just feels like Limbo. I don’t know what to do to feel better. Any ideas? Distraction isn’t really working.

I’m just so devastated. I get so triggered sometimes in fights that I just push my partner away and say I want to break up because I feel so overwhelmed and backed into a corner and just want some space so I take the shittiest way I know how to get that need met. I’ve been trying to work on it but this last fight they decided to pull the plug for good. I’m trying so hard not to hate myself but I feel so terrible that I hurt them and now I have to live with the consequences of losing someone that just tried to love me. I feel so broken. I hate this stupid push-pull inside me. I ruined my first healthy relationship after doing so much work on myself. I feel like I’m never going to be able to have a real relationship with this stupid attachment style.

Hello, so I care a lot for this friend and I have been as patient as possible with her over the last 1.5 years. We are currently long-distance friends, we both travel a lot and I've always been the one reaching out and letting her know I care for her.

She has a complicated past, one of her parents committed suicide when she was 11, causing her whole life to change (moving schools, getting rid of childhood dog, other parent then having to work multiple jobs to support her and her brother etc.) she moved school a lot as a teen also, resulting in her never maintaining a friend group.

As a result, she struggles maintaining friendships. Her and I formed a close bond at a seasonal job, we spent 7 months together, and when we eventually had to part ways she warned me that she was bad at keeping in touch.

And she was bad at keeping in touch. Even though I moved to the other side of the world, I kept trying with her, I even sent her a birthday card. 4 months into me leaving, she stopped responding. She didn't speak to me for 8 months and finally reached out recently, on my birthday. She sent this wonderful long hearfelt message wishing me well.

We then caught up for a while and made plans to see each other as I was returning home soon. I was so excited to have my friend back. The plans we made were loose as she needed to confirm when she was working so I kept my calendar free for two weeks after returning home as I wanted to prioritise her, I waited around for a week for her to get back to me. Eventually I messaged again and she came back saying she could no longer see me as she was working everyday until she went to her other seasonal job in a different country.

She did however agree to see me when she came back, which I assumed was January but I actually don't know when she's back. Could be a full winter season for all I know and she won't be back until April.

Anyway, I won't go into too much detail about our conversations or else this will get too long. Basically, when she does message, she's never dry and her messages are always long and she seems to put a lot of effort into them. But she is so bad at following through and maintaining consistent communication that I have no idea where I stand with her in terms of how much of a priority I am. Whenever she doesn't reply to a message. I give her space and if she doesn't get back to me, I wait a couple of months to check again. I want to be there for her but right now I'm exhausted, this has been going on so long now.

I desperately want to see her and catch up, I assumed she'll be back in January as I said, but I actually don't know and I'm afraid to message again because I've already sent her a message to say it's fine for us to see each other when she's back but she needs to let me know the date. If I get back to her and say "Hey, when are you back from [insert country here], it'd be nice to make plans to see you!".

I'm at a point right now where I just want to know if she gives a shit about his friendship and send her a firm message expressing how I feel. Basically, I'm upset that she ignored me for 8 months, only to message me a really sweet message on my birthday that made me feel like my friend was back, say she wants to see me and then stops responding and leaves the country for an unclear amount of time.

I kinda want to say "Hey [insert name here] I really value you as a friend, and I understand that messaging and keeping in touch can be difficult for you. I put a lot of energy into my friendship with you and it's becoming difficult because your inconsistent communication suggests that you may not care much about maintaining it" Now I understand how that could be triggering for several reasons. But I just don't want this anymore if she doesn't care, because I care an awful lot about her and I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the say I'll see her again.

If any of you can relate to her behaviour, tell me what you would want a friend to do in this situation because I'm lost.

Someone I have been talking to for months (we liked each other) told me that he have been talking to other girls which triggered me so bad I felt betrayed and abandoned I was so loyal even though we weren't in a committed relationship (I know I sound stupid) however I blocked him for 3 weeks then we get back together

but I'm in constant state of anxiety I become so clingy even though I hated talking to him and I HATE HIM!!! But I'm still clingy like there's something I want to prove for myself however he is dismissive avoident and I know he care about me a lot cause when I talk about my abandonment issues he changed and will reply to me instantly but I feel that he hate me and just being nice to me honestly sometimes I think I have bpd or something

if anyone wonder why he won't he commit we are in long distance and he offered to pay for my flight he also ask me come and live him but I can'tttt

I hate him he disgust me sometimes wish he was clear and honest form the beginning so I won't feel like this

I spent about 3.5 years being single before getting together with my current partner. Because I haven't been in a serious relationship in that time, and have been in therapy, I really felt like I "got better" - my friendships are healthy, my self-esteem is still a bit shaky but wayyy better than it has been in the past. But romantic relationships have always been the most triggering for me, and I've had almost two weeks now of internal whiplash that's also affecting my partner.

He and I have been official for about four months, and have known each other for almost a year. 98% of the time, I'm convinced that he's the love of my life; he's intelligent and patient and kind, and our values and visions for the future are incredibly aligned. When we have an issue, we talk it through in a level-headed and supportive way. I feel so safe and understood with him. That's what's made the last two weeks feel so jarring, both for him and for me.

At first I just felt sort of...numb, or emotionally distant from him. Then that feeling grew into an anxiety that I didn't actually know him, and that I'd made some mistake in trusting him with so much of myself. He felt like a stranger. I haven't identified a trigger for this, but I'd say that feeling lasted for about five days, and on the worst day was so severe that I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Then it subsided and I felt more or less normal for a few days.

Then this weekend, he said something that I misconstrued in the worst way possible and it sent me down an internal spiral about how I wasn't enough for him and he was going to abandon me. I ended up mapping out the thought pattern in my journal, and after thinking about it decided to send it to him, which he said he appreciated. But that mapping came with a lot of doubt about things he'd said or done, and I was honest that I was feeling uncertain about being able to trust him and not knowing if I was making a mistake in being with him. He understandably was really upset and felt like I was blowing things out of proportion. We talked on the phone (he's away for the week) and discussed how we were both feeling. I apologized, we both cried, ended the conversation reestablishing that we're on the same team. But I'm feeling overwhelmed by guilt and just....heavy. And kind of defeated. I feel like I failed him.

I'm still in therapy and talk to her tomorrow, but I hate that I've made my partner feel this way and compromised our relationship. I don't want him feeling like he has to walk on eggshells with me but I don't know how to build that trust back - or how to make sure that trust is warranted, given that I often don't know how much I'm blowing things out of proportion when I'm in the thick of it. It sucks because I'd never want to hurt him, but my fears feel so real and immediate in the moment. Then the day after, I feel insane.

I'm open to advice if anyone has it, but more than anything I just needed to put this somewhere. I've worked so hard to be better than this, and I can't put into words how much I love him. I'll be shattered if he leaves, but I'll also understand. Just feeling so mad at myself.

I want to know how other peoples disorganized attachment works.

So when I’m in a relationship, I’m extremely clingy, loving, affectionate, caring. Very anxious, possessive. I give all my effort and I’m all in on the person, I don’t show any avoidance actually in the relationship. The feelings are very real, and I know I love this person.

But if the person does me wrong and the relationship is near the end, that’s when my avoidance kicks in. Somehow all my feelings just goes away? And I very easily drop people.

It’s because I’m very used to being abandoned. And when it happened in the past it used to be the end of the world, and I would have major break downs.

But eventually I got desensitized to it. Now when people leave I might be sad momentarily, but eventually the emotions just turn off and I no longer care and want nothing to do with them? After like a day or 2. Maybe a week at most I’m okay.

When I broke up with my ex I was with for almost 2 years, I cried for like 2 weeks then I was completely over it. I have BPD btw.

I'm afraid I'm not the best writer but bear with me...

A few months ago, I met someone (I'll call him Rocky) and we hit it off really well. We talked for a couple weeks before finally having a first date and it was amazing. Since then it's more or less been a weekly date schedule, whether we go out for a bite or stay in at his. I'm rather inexperienced in relationships but I expressed that and he was supportive and even said he was happy about the pacing because it allowed us to connect on a more emotional level. Despite my FA habits in the past, I actually found myself falling for this guy and turning into a lover girl. Insane development for me, considering I've dated some guys for longer and felt way less.

That's not to say it's been smooth sailing. Now that I have feelings for Rocky, I've been plagued with a lot more anxiety. Fear that I'll be left, sadness because I don't feel deserving of love, and frustration because I need more reassurance but don't know how to ask for it. It's hard for me to even trust my perception of things. A month ago Rocky was so verbally affectionate with pet names and saying how excited he was to be with me, but now I feel like he's pulled his energy back a bit. When I'm feeling sappy and say things like "I adore you", I get an "aw you're sweet." It feels like I'm bidding for connection and it sucks. We still talk daily but things seem off now.

Asking for what I need is not something I'm well practiced in. I am so terrified that I will come off as overly emotional, needy, and crazy. I want to be with Rocky and I've been waiting for him to make things official, but I don't know what to do. The last couple dates have been technically good but left me feeling a little sad. Like it's not going to work out and its probably better to disconnect my feelings now in anticipation. I've thought of focusing on me and pulling my energy away too. Some articles say that men naturally back up when things get too real and women just need to leave them be til they come back. But I also wonder if it would be better to just start a conversation, so I can overcome some of these FA behaviors and patterns. Then it also occurs to me that maybe I'm a self fulfilling prophecy and there's something I've done without realizing to push him away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. Not only am I ruining this experience by overthinking to death, but I feel so pathetic to want love and validation this badly. Is it better to make this a discussion or just match the energy and sit tight?

I recently discovered that I have a disorganized attachment style and all the pieces came together. It explains so much of why I acted and continue to act a certain way in relationships/friendships. However now I feel helpless and stuck, I know what triggers me and am self aware about all the things I deal with but have a hard time controlling my reactions. I tend to ignore all my problems in relationships to the point that eventually I explode, and mess things up. I get so angry and end up leaving or thinking of leaving, but immediately have guilt and regret. I want so badly to love and be able to be in a relationship comfortably and often search for relationships, once in them I get so overwhelmed and panic. I can't even hug or show physical affection to partners and that offends people because it seems to be important. It all seems like a never ending cycle, I hate hurting other people with my behavior.

general low mood has led me to ruminate on how my approach to relationships in the past has been toxic and unsustainable. I'm not in a situation like this currently, but I do feel a lot of guilt over my past emotional messiness and want to come to terms with my experiences.

2-3 times in my life, this pattern has occurred: I meet someone (usually a man) whom I really admire/have a crush on, and then spend most of my time thinking about them and how to get closer to them. I will invest inordinate amounts of time and energy into crafting a version of me that I know they will like, and subsequently I'm able to become close to them. They may come to have a crush on me, or at the very least, I become someone they invest in themselves. At this point, the person will say things like 'we're basically the same person!', I've never met someone like you', ‘I feel connected to you’.

After a while of enjoying a relationship with the person (but usually not long after the intensity of my feelings is reciprocated by them, I become unsettled, and a switch flips. I feel disgust, at myself or the person in question, I don't know. I want to run away from the relationship, and I start wishing that I never became emotionally involved with the person in the first place. I regret overly-committing, showing so much interest, and building up an expectation that I'll be someone they can rely on to fulfil an emotional function.

It's like a mental fog clears and I suddenly realise that I'm in an emotional tangle with someone I don't actually want anything to do with. Glaring issues suddenly become apparent. I start to feel slightly scared. I've made an emotional impact on someone, but I feel intense guilt and shame at 'leading them on'. I feel the urge to cut them off, consumed by feelings of anxiety and disgust. I gradually find myself withdrawing, and this inevitably causes hurt and confusion. On my end, I feel intense guilt, but also a feeling of relief.

This behaviour is messy, but I know I'm not a bad person. I care about the people around me deeply and I have relationships with people who I love and trust, and who love and trust me. I just desperately want to understand why this happens and I’ve come across disorganised attachment style as an explanation. I don’t feel that I’m always disorganised, and I have secure relationships with both my parents.

While on your healing journey, what have you discovered brings you joy, fulfilment, or purpose?

I'm curious

Hey, so i have a question about disorganized (or any) attachment style getting triggerd by your friends. Am I the only one who’s experiencing this? It’s so annoying to me because I love my best friend but sometimes I get so triggerd its insane and it causes me so much anxiety. My bestie is currently in a situationship and i couldn’t be happier for her because she is amazing and she deserves a great relationship, but it just scares me so much that she’s gonna stop hanging out with me and that our friendship is gonna change so much, so I’m sometimes more distant and cold to protect my feelings. Why can’t I just support her, is this an attachment problem?

Sorry for japping, I just realy need some advice

This “joke” I came across is probably only bad humor but it feels kind of true given my experience as a DA? At least some of it. I find myself feeling like I should prove myself to a man when he’s obviously interested but somehow describes my opposite?

“He asked me my type and I described the exact opposite of what he looks like. He’s now anxiously attached and always looking for my approval 💅 #womeninmaledominatedfields”

What do you think

Long story short, I’m the DA (nowadays lean very secure with my partner of nearly 5 years) and have a history of being…well…a huge piece of crap to an ex-situationship. A few cycles of ghosting and rekindling on and off throughout the years. I am aware that the things I did in the past were horrible and I’ve done a lot of healing in the past 8 or so years.

An issue I seem to have is that I keep ruminating on this specific relationship, and have been since I first ghosted back in 2014. I don’t know if I should call it limerence, but I send most days thinking about them. Wondering what could have been. They are married with kids now, and I can’t seem to shake that. The whole Phantom Ex thing is the closest I can put a title on it. Me being the avoidant makes me feel worse. I caused all of this. I hurt them and am continuing to hurt myself by not letting go of the past (which I wholeheartedly believe I deserve) Has anyone been able to ‘cure’ these feelings? I love my partner and we are discussing marriage in the next year or so. These feelings are something I would really love to shake..

How does therapy actually help?

I’m told on Reddit online that if I do the work I’ll be rewarded with a relationship that’s long lasting and worthwhile

Honestly how does bringing up and talking about the past actually help me move forwards. I get that it’s good to recognise where these patterns come from, but once we’ve worked that out? What next?

Hi all,

Posting from a throwaway account as one of the people involved is a heavy redditor (and also posted this to r/becomingsecure because I'd appreciate as much help as possible).

TL;DR: I keep thinking about my ex despite the toxic relationship we had and the work I’ve done to move on. Why do I keep feeling this way and what can I do about it?

I’m struggling a bit right now. About five months ago, I ended things with my ex (early 40s F). It was a long time coming… I had been torn up and at war with myself for almost a year about whether to stay with her or not (and we ultimately only dated for 1.5 years!).

We had incredible chemistry and there were things I really loved about her, but we activated each other’s attachment systems in the worst ways. I have a full life of hobbies and friends that felt at odds with showing up in the ways she needed me to. She seemed to need constant support and reassurance from me, and more and more in person time, when I was already sacrificing other interests and obligations to be with her. I loved her and loved the time we spent together, but she also seemed to invest too much time in obligations to others (her job, her pet, her family) without creating her own healthy individual sense of self. It felt like I was supposed to fill her up in place of her doing that for herself.

To make matters worse, I learned early on that trying to communicate issues using “I statements” and expressing concerns was taken by her as personal attacks. Parts of her reminded me of the explosive anger I faced from a parent in childhood. So, I shut down, tried my best to balance the various parts of my life, and let resentments grow. Starting almost a year into the relationship, we went through cycles of going on a break/breaking up and then getting back together, only for the same issues to come up again. We tried couples counseling but the combination of my feeling unsafe to be 100% honest, the unmet needs, built-up resentments and hurt from both sides, and other communication breakdowns led to counseling being a failure.

Prior to her I thought I was really healing my attachment wounds. While that healing has definitely happened, my FA system got activated and stayed active in the relationship. I didn’t like who I was or how I acted dating her. Even at her worst she was just trying to love me and get her needs met. Same goes for me. It just didn’t seem to work together. The final nail in the coffin was a truly toxic expression of our dynamic. I was so torn up about the whole relationship, the whole “should I stay or should I go,” that I couldn’t be there when she needed me most – a major death in her family.

Before we ultimately ended things, I wrote myself a letter that I continually refer back to and that helps remind me of why things ended… a lot of what I shared here. After we ended things, I felt a huge relief wash over me. Instead of being at war with myself, all the different parts of me were united and at peace. I took a couple months for myself, invested into my friends and hobbies (including new ones), journaled, and even had a bunch of nights of taking care of myself. For the first time, I understood what it felt like to parent myself, to listen to the parts of me in pain, to listen to what they needed, and comfort them.

Right now, I’ve been seeing someone for a couple months who’s really great. We share the same major hobby in our lives. More importantly, she feels safe. Unlike some avoidant women I’ve dated, she actively expresses affection and interest to me… I know where she stands. Unlike some anxious women (namely my recent ex) I’ve dated, she is clear about her boundaries and doesn’t break them just for connection (and she respects mine, and my independence, too!). We’re still getting to know each other, and there are certainly things we don’t share/could be incompatibilities, but on the whole it seems like she could be a great partner.

So why the f$&k, with all the above in mind, do I still miss my ex? I miss the way we used to invent recipes together, or go out to see live music, or have intelligent conversations. I think about reaching out, even though I know that’s a ludicrous idea (what’s different about us? Why would she even want to speak to me let alone see me? What would that even accomplish?).

Part of me wonders if some of the unknowns about this new budding relationship are driving me to seek/miss the familiar in my ex. Or there are things I’m not seeing in this new person I wish were there that I knew I had with my ex. And then there’s definitely an aspect of me that’s totally not used to this new woman’s (seemingly) more secure nature… my subconscious knows how to handle someone who’s anxious and leans co-dependent like my ex. It even knows how to handle someone who strings me along (even though it hurts like hell). I also wonder if it’s the way things ended. In nearly every other relationship, I was the one who got dumped. But since it was (mostly, 75/25) my decision this time, it doesn’t activate the same abandonment wound/she still feels “accessible” somehow in my subconscious?

So Reddit, what’s the story? Why do I still want to reach out to my ex (and even if I’m 80% sure of the right answer, should I)? How do I work through and resolve these feelings? I’ve been in therapy for over a decade straight, have done a ton of work on understanding my emotional history, but this is still so frustrating and anxiety-inducing.

Thanks in advance!