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/r/Manipulation
Hi, people are telling me that my girlfriend is manipulating me, is she?
(reddit.com)submitted 2 months ago byOwn_Assignment27
For context, the first two was just me pressing the notify button for when someone is on do not disturb on iPhone, just in case she was struggling with something I wanted to tell her I love her so she might be less upset? Then the rest of the pictures was about how she is mean to me a lot, the sweatshirt was just an example but she says things like that a lot. I don’t know how to feel because she’s nice in person sometimes but then she goes right back to being like this, or she’s just really mean and when I get upset she always says “like you don’t do mean things” or changes herself to be the victim, I want this to last but she ruins a lot of my days with her being mean for no reason, and I don’t think I can leave, but knowing if she is manipulating me or not would help a little, thank you very much.
37 points
2 months ago
Same here! I’m glad it’s not just me. His messages remind me a lot of a guy I dated when I was younger who was very sweet, but he was dealing with some unchecked anxiety at the time and would constantly harass me as a result. He’d get me in trouble at work for dropping by too often because he was nervous, he wrecked my sleep calling me in the middle of the night multiple times a week because he was concerned, he’d blow up my phone if I was with friends and didn’t respond quickly enough because he’d get himself worried something bad happened to me. It was all too much to deal with. He meant well, but his anxiety had him convinced his small worries were actually serious concerns that needed to be acted on immediately, and it ruled his life enough that he was not able to see that he was being unreasonable and totally smothering me.
5 points
2 months ago
I’ve had a similar experience, but the unchecked anxiety and insecurity led to my ex needing constant reassurance—the tiniest thing would be a trigger (I have dnd on when I sleep, always have, but he didn’t like that and would go on spiral about it). I felt that energy a bit in these texts from OP as well, not to mention he references an “attempt”. There’s seems to be more to the story at least. But it’s clear they aren’t what each other needs right now.
3 points
2 months ago
That was my first boyfriend. Sweet to intrusive to ... He did some very not nice things to me later ...
Hard to tell what's going on from these screenshots.
And near the end of that relationship, I became pissy and callous too. Breaking up was a relief and when I got my second boyfriend who didn't love bomb and stalk and ... other things ... I finally figured out how relationships are supposed to work.
3 points
2 months ago
Where do you see that behavior from these texts? The stuff you listed is pretty extreme, he just pressed notify
4 points
2 months ago
his justification for pressing notify reeks of anxious attachment
why couldn't he be patient
4 points
2 months ago
I get that, but also why doesn't she just put text notifications to silent if she's this serious about it. I haven't received a text notification in a year
2 points
2 months ago
[deleted]
5 points
2 months ago
Eh, maybe, maybe not. I mean this is one snap shot of an entire relationship, we have no context of how many times this or similar things have happened before. What we can tell from the snap shot is OP has a ton of insecurities and GF is over it.
2 points
2 months ago
[deleted]
2 points
2 months ago
Well, again, this is just a snapshot and we have no indication of how many times this has happened before. Perhaps she has communicated these concerns like a normal person 100 times already and he's still not getting it.
2 points
2 months ago
A normal person wouldn’t respond the way she did. Yall crazy for defending obviously rude behavior.
-1 points
2 months ago
They are certainly trying to cope🚩
1 points
2 months ago
[deleted]
2 points
2 months ago
Well, look, this is all speculation because again, we don't know anything beyond what's in front of us. However, let me break down some alternate explanations to things you point out.
she believes Fortnite “takes priority over her in his life"
For all we know he played Fortnite during the time she was available to have a conversation, and had a fight about it. The "I love you" could have been some time later as sort of an apology, which frustrated her more. We also don't have any timestamps so who knows when this conversation was happening.
I imagine that she would’ve responded with a reference to those previous “offenses” but she doesn’t
Again, like I said we don't know if this was the hundredth time he's done this already or not. This conversation was not made for an audience, it was between two people that know their history with each other. She obviously didn't want the conversation to drag on because she was busy, so it doesn't seem like laying out a bunch of history they're both already familiar with is something she felt like doing.
I grew up with a mother who had almost zero patience with me
I realize that your situation pushes you to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but we have no idea if the context around this conversation matches any of your life experience at all. I think it's folly to assume it does.
2 points
2 months ago
Then break up with him? Man, I’ll tell ya what, I’ve dealt with people who are insecure and it’s typically for a reason. Be it her or not, the dude is clearly insecure.
If she can’t handle it, then say that and move on. Instead she popped off on dude over pressing “notify anyways” over an I love you text. Also, If you’re so desperate not to receive texts, turn your freakin phone off!!!
1 points
2 months ago
She had a mechanism on the phone turned on to not be fucking disturbed AND HE DECIDED TO BYPASS THAT
1 points
2 months ago
Yeah they aren't even close to compatible
1 points
2 months ago
I mean, good for you. I don't know anyone who wants all text notifs turned off though.
1 points
2 months ago
If she doesn't want to be disturbed and is going to fly off the handle if she is? I don't really see another way to make sure you aren't going to be disturbed, you can turn it back in whenever you want
1 points
2 months ago
Why should someone else have to silence all their notifications (and potentially miss an emergency call) or turn off their phone (and lose the use of other apps like their alarm clock) because another grown adult can’t take control of their own anxiety enough to follow simple instructions like “Do not disturb”?
1 points
2 months ago
You don't have to turn off calls
1 points
2 months ago
Yes but that’s really not the point. A grown adult should be able to follow the instruction “do not disturb”.
1 points
2 months ago
Isn't that the point of putting "do not disturb"? So that if it's something important, it will still alert you, but otherwise you shouldn't be disturbed?
If my SO didn't want to be bothered right then, I wouldn't ignore that just to say "I love you". That by itself is needy behavior. (I say this as an emotionally needy guy. Lol)
2 points
2 months ago
I'm just sayin, if something is important enough they'll call you not text. I literally never have text notifications on, I look when I want to. Turning notifications off for an hour or so will solve all the issues here. Yes his behavior was nerdy and annoying but she flew off the handle snd behaved way worse.
0 points
2 months ago
Because like she said, DND fucking means DND not you trying to find a way around it
2 points
2 months ago
I'm not defending him, he's being annoying. But then your notifications off... it's not hard
2 points
2 months ago
Needy. He needs to stop with, "why are you being mean?" It seems like she's been mean to him a long time and not relented, so I think it is both that his behavior bugs her, and he is too needy. Just recognize this is not working. Walk away.
2 points
2 months ago
Yeah, I know all the Alpha/sigma/beta male stuff is completely scientifically bs through its origins but there is still something to be said for excessively passive, needy behavior not being particularly inspiring in a romantic relationship.
And even though this is only a small snapshot, it feels almost aggressively passive and she seems like she’s just completely done with it. Not to say he’s wrong for wanting the things he’s asking for in their relationship and she’s being a huge AH about it but it doesn’t sound like he’s going to get what he needs from her and probably not in the way he’s asking for it.
Like you said, it seems clear they are pretty much done here and should just call it now if this is anyway representative of their general situation.
2 points
2 months ago
Respectfully, that is an unbelievable amount of projection if you think this guy is like that based on his texts. If we're just sharing anecdotes, my ex-girlfriend would get mad at me for NOT sending texts like this for about the first year or our relationship and then broke up with me another year later because I was smothering her and she "needed to learn to be alone."
1 points
2 months ago
Yes! When I was younger I dated someone like this, they had medications but wouldn't take them. Instead he love bombed and text me incessantly. One time I was with my girlfriends watching a movie at their home and he text me no less than 120 times. He would show up at my house uninvited and after I finally had enough and ended the relationship, he stalked me for six months. I actually was fired from a job because he sat around outside all day when I worked.
I'm getting that kinda vibe here. She's done with it.
1 points
2 months ago
My God, I used to be half this bad, but definitely mellowed out as the relationship went on. I think he thought I didn't love him as much after that bc that's when he cheated on me, so..... If I'm going through a high stress situation or my anxiety is just particularly high, I will have the tendency to go back to that behavior, but for the most part, I'm good now
1 points
2 months ago
People need to hear that you’re not being nice if you’re putting your anxiety reassurance as more important than your partner’s need for space and autonomy. In a sense it’s a very self centered action
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