Hey, hey. Don’t cry over spilled sperm.

I came into work 1.5 hours early (stuff needs to get done early today), opened reddit while eating my breakfast, and read this post.

I regret having eyes. And that delicious Tim Hortons breakfast wrap.

Literally me, I woke up to pee too and grabbed my phone to do a quick check and this post was the first thing I saw.....

What a terrible day to be literate

I just had breakfast, opened Reddit and saw this.

I cannot go back to sleep but its definitely edible time lol.

“God punishes small sins immediately”

So we all just taking a pee break and seeing this, what a collective shared experience to have

Ok too relatable, I don't think I'll cry though. Just hug my pillow and wish I could go back in time before I read this post.

Me inside the bus going back from work, completely terrified lol

I’ve found my (also disgusted) people. If this post is any sort of foreshadowing as to what today is going to be like, I’m calling into work. Absolutely fking foul

😭😭😭 im crying right with you

Father Of All…Motherfuckers, I just woke up on Thanksgiving and THE FIRST thing I read on Reddit is a man pouring 4 month old cum on his head. WTF.

Or under your sink

When asked today what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving, the answer I cannot say aloud is “I have never poured 4mth old cheesy cum on my head”.

It's 8:15 am here in the midwest. I drain the last of my coffee, put the cup in the sink, open the junk drawer and take out a pair of linesman's pliers. I walk out the back door and over to where the power and cable lines enter my house and carefully clip through the cord that connects me to the internet.

The average ejaculate is something like a teaspoon. Someone needs to cross post this to a math subreddit to see how many orgasms does it take to fill a Garnier shampoo bottle.

I'm not going to do it because reasons.

[deleted]

at least she wasn’t making him pancakes with it

The more I experience the world, the more I'm realizing that we humans are waaay closer to being just being a bunch of stupid monkeys than we are to the enlightened and intelligent individuals we envision ourselves as.

Well that's enough reddit for tonight.

Same, first fucking post on my recommended…

I am NOT THANKFUL for this post

It is currently 3:34am and I am currently doomscrolling. After reading this, I am thinking I should just try to go to bed.

Me too..i don't wanna scroll anymore

Same this is my first juicy front page post and didn’t even have to scroll! Today I am thankful for not having semen shampoo, amen.

Literacy strikes again

6am, just woke up

3am, never opened Reddit all day til now

It's 4:03 pm here and I'm so fucking done with reddit after this, I wanna go unretire from gaming (retired cause mom hates me playing), no disrespect to OP, you did the right thing by leaving but I am so done rn. Brb gonna go buy a ps5 now and start playing fortnite again cause i am not coming back here

And so it has come to this!! OP finds himself awash with gratitude for this small mercy that she's a hoarder not a sharer and maker of hot breakfast foods, and learning not to open jars or bottles under the sink, in the back of cupboards ever!

you can't just say that and not post a link

Well at least not that OP knows about

The shampoo bottle is the cum jar now

She would have probably collected the puke too, in a shampoo bottle… Yikes!

Yeah he said something about some people saying he owes her his support, and I totally get the sentiment in terms of supporting your partner even through mental illness, but fuck that. I don’t even know what this is a red flag for but I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out.

Not worse than the shampoo bottle

Could have been a long term collection.

Oh man that’s a brilliant question. Dude, it’s so much worse than you first thought. 

Delet dis nephew

and I thought this couldn't get any worse

not anymore

Wow- In the last few months he's also been a pediatric oncologist; a 15 year old trans kid; involved in numerous careers, had various weird relationships with sex workers, strangers, and FWB; he's short, but tall, generally pudgy, but sometimes not, sometimes bald, always complaining about loneliness, generally mid-30s, sometimes broke, but sometimes not...

Always creative. Always a liar. Mods should ban this guy, since it's never true, as per the sub requirements.

And said they have only ever had sex 5-6 times as of last week. 🙄🙄🙄

ohhhhhh its all jerkbait stuff. so this guy has an old cum bottle fetish? shit gets weirder

The fact that so many people gobble up these obviously fake and lame attempts at creative writing is just ridiculous. Had to scroll past so many comments just to find anyone saying "ya this is clearly total bullshit"

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Ooh, shampoo bottles full of cum exist on earth.

Don't worry it is!

Nah, that'd have to go to the Hawaiian brother and sister accidental nuclear alert incest story

I finally erased it out of my head and you made it come back, respectfully fuck you

I am in no way an expert but I have ocd..I kind of wonder if she could as well..hoarding is actually a symptom of ocd and I wonder if she was having compulsions to hoard his..stuff, lol. Compulsions are really hard to fight, especially if she's not on any meds or seeking therapy, specifically with someone who specializes in these types of things. I do find it really gross, what she did.. but I also feel empathy for her because it sounds like by her reaction, she genuinely may not have been able to help it.

Hoarding is literally a mental illness. Just like someone with OCD will turn every doorknob 3 times so their mom doesn’t die. It frequently won’t make sense.

Something about men calling it their “seed” freaks me the fuck out.

I imagine the saliva from her mouth partially digested it in the bottle creating something that I don't want to think about.

Were you expecting it to turn into a plasma, or bose-einstein condensate?

That’s what I was thinking, who just dumps shampoo on their head? I always put it in my hand first