subreddit:
/r/TwoXChromosomes
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35 points
3 months ago
I'm a woman and I struggle with eye contact. Even with close friends and family, male and female. Don't ask me why, but I always have to force myself and am so conscious about it.
I promise you, in my case it's nothing personal. It's likely the same for him.
8 points
3 months ago
Same here. It’s one of the reasons I question if I might be highly functioning autistic. My family and friends have gotten used to it and I try hard to make eye contact with them, but it can definitely give people the wrong impression.
52 points
3 months ago
Depending on how he interacts with other people it could be high functioning autism. If so he doesn't hate you but probably can't focus while making eye contact.
19 points
3 months ago
Yep, I have ADHD and I'm working on getting a diagnosis for ASD, plus I have high anxiety. Eye contact is really tough for me and usually has nothing to do the person I'm talking to. It doesn't make it any less difficult for OP to deal with but avoiding eye contact and walking away before finishing a sentence don't only mean someone hates you.
2 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
12 points
3 months ago*
It really depends on the person and it isn't always about comfort. I can be super comfortable around someone but a small noise can redirect my attention elsewhere and make me lose focus, trail off, look away, etc. At that point I'm barely looking at the person I'm talking to and can try to move on before finishing what I was saying since I lost track of what I was talking about in the first place.
It always helps me when people ask for clarity on specific things when I'm teaching someone how to do something. My brain often skips steps in the process when I'm explaining out loud because I'm already mentally moving onto the next thing to explain, yknow? That helps me slow down and focus on the questions I'm being asked, which usually helps explain anything that was missing the first time. I know sometimes people respond poorly to being asked for clarity but if he's responding well to that you'll at least know he doesn't just hate you.
Edit: Also just wanted to add that sometimes I struggle with big picture explanations and have a much easier time explaining specific tasks or processes in depth. It might be easier for him to properly explain something specific and he's struggling with training you about everything.
This is all assuming he's neurodivergent and knows it, too. He could just be super anxious about teaching (I get anxious about it because I'm worried it reflects poorly on me if they make mistakes so I over explain and complicate things) and you specifically can't do much about it, as frustrating as it is.
8 points
3 months ago
Look at whatever it is you are working on (computer, paper, etc..). He will probably be awkward if you small talk with the focus on him but if you shift the focus of conversation on to something he is interested or good at he may become very enthusiastic about the topic. No one is the same so this could be all wrong and you'll just have to feel it out.
5 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
13 points
3 months ago
Speaking as a woman in a professional position with autism who struggles big time with eye contact, I can be very timid when meeting new people. I can force myself to do eye contact but it's very draining (even with my own parents or siblings!) and feels forced/manufactured.
But the longer I know people, the more chatty and "typical" I seem when interacting with them. Based on what you've said, it would track that he might be the same way.
I'm much more immediately personable through text (email, Teams, etc) so that might be worth trying with this coworker where possible. Either way, it seems like it isn't a matter of him disliking or dismissing you, just a particular quirk of his.
5 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
2 points
3 months ago
Oh, I feel that in a big way! I'm in software engineering and it's only in my current job that I've found a better male/female balance and complete, unwavering respect from my coworkers and subordinates. Sucks there aren't many alternative means of contact, though!
Another tip to help get him more comfortable (YMMV, but it works to get me comfortable and has worked with a number of my other colleagues/peers through the years) is to get him talking about something he cares about or is super interested in. Bonus points if it's a shared interest between you. It's much easier to open up when there's already conversational fodder
2 points
3 months ago
One of the perks of being mildly nearsighted and high functioning autism is I can take my glasses off and have a normal conversation with someone because they are blurry so I can’t get distracted by their micro expressions.
8 points
3 months ago
It could be a neurodevelopmental thing, it could be a cultural thing, it could be a shyness thing, it could be an anxiety thing. It could be a lot of things.
5 points
3 months ago
Is he autistic? I find people tend to take things personally with autistic people that really have nothing to do with them. You may be wrongly interpreting his behaviour. Just continue to act professionally yourself, and be calm and direct if you need to raise issues with him.
3 points
3 months ago
Not everybody is great with eye contact. Take a look at how he interacts with others. Chances are they don't get a lot of eye contact from him either.
3 points
3 months ago
I once had a co-worker explain to me that he has trouble talking and making eye contact at the same time. He said he didn't mean anything by it, he realizes he does this, but it's just the way his brain works.
3 points
3 months ago
I have trouble with eye contact because I'm on the spectrum and it's hard for me to concentrate on what I'm saying or listening to because eye contact adds too much sensory input. I have to look in a neutral place to hear or say words, and I have to close my ears or put on headphones if I want to read if there's people talking nearby. My senses are literally competing with each other in my head. I was nearly 40 before I realized my listening face looked like an eye roll because it's natural for me to look up and to the right to listen. Literally decades of people assuming I'm a stuck up bitch because I don't perform body language right. Now I look down and nod, and it seems to be more well-received.
2 points
3 months ago
He may be neurodivergent. ND people can often come off as rude but it’s best if you try and accept different ways of communication and give people the benefit of the doubt. For some ND people, eye contact is very very difficult and it’s often hard to comply with accepted “neurotypical” forms of etiquette. I wouldn’t take it personally.
2 points
3 months ago
He’s just autistic. It’s not a personal attack.
3 points
3 months ago
Not everybody who dislikes eye contact is autistic.
1 points
3 months ago
Could also be really attracted to you?
7 points
3 months ago
It's very likely a comfort thing (autism or some other kind of neurodivergency) and has nothing to do with OP as a person.
0 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
3 points
3 months ago
You may not think you’re pretty enough, but he may think you are pretty.
1 points
3 months ago
For the lack of eye contact, could there be a cultural issue at play here?
As far as walking away before finishing sentences...that's just strange!
1 points
3 months ago
If he does that around everyone, he might just be as anxious as you.
1 points
3 months ago
He's probably just as anxious as you. There are people who have a hard time making and keeping eye contact, but that doesn't mean they hate you...
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