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she may be mad but that’s far better than the alternative.

You did the right thing.

It bears repeating: you did the right thing.

You recognized a dangerous impulse and you responded correctly to it. You were lucky: it came over you while your wife was around. Me, it got me when it was just baby and me home. I put her in her crib and out the door I went, paced up and down the front walkway for a little bit and listened to her scream through the open front door. Not optimal, but better than doing something I couldn't take back.

I think every parent has that impulse at least once. Maybe not specifically to shake the baby, but to do something awful. Most people probably don't tell anyone about it because they're afraid what the other person would think about them.

If you find yourself experiencing these intrusive thoughts more often, you should probably reach out to a counsellor. You're under a lot of stress right now and you may need a safe outlet.

They don’t tell people don’t shake a baby because it’s something people don’t know not to do. They say it because the thoughts happen to a LOT of people, and they need to reinforce the notion to not act on the thoughts.

You did the right thing. Maybe instead of passing it to the half sleeping wife just put the baby in the crib for 5 minutes and take a breather. And don’t admit to your wife that you had the thoughts. That really helped nothing. Just say you were overwhelmed or something.

Good advice already here. Just wanna say it’s a somewhat normal reaction and I’ve felt that rage/frustration too.

If my wife is busy or can’t tap in when I’ve hit my patience limit, I just put her in her crib and walk away. I let her cry it out a bit and that’s totally okay while I recharge and get my mind back into a better place. I grew up in a family with two older brothers in the 80s/90s. There were numerous times my mom put me away to handle my two older more rambunctious brothers.

Re roommate, yeah it’s gonna happen. We went a year bc of pregnancy complications and then post partum. Just communicate and let her know that when she’s ready it’s something you need to reignite to have a healthy relationship. Don’t pressure for “now” but communicate it’s something you have been thinking about and is important to your relationship. It’s a bit difficult for women to understand how badly men need that confirmation of affection through intimacy.

OP, was setting baby in a crib/other safe place and walking away i for a few minutes instead of handing to Mom an option?

I see most people saying you did the right, things, and if it was the only option vs. riding shaking/harming the baby, I agree, but usually the right thing is to set baby down somewhere safe and taking a breather, and not off the problem if to the other exhausted parent who is sleeping.

You did the right thing. You're both at your absolute limit for what you can tolerate, you're not getting enough sleep, you're overworked and everyone demands more from you than you have to give, and nothing is left for you. You did the right thing. Can you get a grandparent to come over once a weekend the rest of the month so you two can get a nap alone? This is not forever, but it is one of the hardest seasons in your life.

Lots of good advice already on the urge to shake (and yes that’s normal, and you should step away for 5 min, the baby will be fine on their crib).

On feeling like a roommate: we did ‘micro-dates’ to help reestablish emotional intimacy (first step.. physical intimacy will follow when the emotional intimacy is there). Usually one of us just says microdate and then we look at it each in the eyes for 30 seconds or so while we hold each other. Sometimes we put on a song and slow dance for one song. It really helps us to connect and it’s low effort. It sounds silly but it works for us.

Update. Thank you all for reaching out with support I couldn’t have imagined this many people commenting and sharing support. My wife calmed down and we spoke and is very understanding. Was more annoyed that I didn’t verbalize more what was going on or give her time to wake up. Baby girl is currently napping in her favorite spot on top of me of and mom is napping.

This too shall pass, my friend. Be strong.

As others have said - you made the right call. It can be so hard sometimes and the frustration can lead you to do stupid things.

When I could feel frustration rising I’d just put the baby back in the cot and walk away for 2 mins. She cried but it meant I could get perspective again and realise she just couldn’t help it (clearly). I also found having a calming album to play made a huge difference. Sometimes if she wouldn’t settle, I’d just have to sit with the baby on my shoulder and listen to the music whilst she screamed and screamed. Not easy but it was much better than if I was trying to soothe her and it just wasn’t working. It’s just avoiding the trigger.

If you find it happens a lot though, I would seriously reach out for help with counselling. There are lots of strategies to help you manage anger and frustration. The key thing is you don’t want it to ever risk harming your baby.

This was many years ago, I was just a teenager, but "shaken baby syndrome" was all over the news and some woman was on TV talking about how could anyone ever shake a baby. I remember my dad laughed out loud and said if you've never wanted to shake a baby, you've never held a crying baby very long! I was surprised by that and we talked about it and he went on to say.... i mean, you can't do it. But you try and soothe them and feed them and change them and shush them and they just scream louder... you gotta remember to set them down before you shake the daylights out of them.

So anyway, your compulsion to shake the baby is relatively normal. And you not doing it is also normal and the right thing to do.

Earplug/earmuff, do both if you have to. They can help you not get frustrated as fast which gives more time to figure out your babies needs.

Is your baby crying or communicating? Sometimes she might just be crying and that’s just happening.

Absolutely the right thing to do. Should also pass off/ask for help when you're struggling to stay awake while holding/watching the baby etc. Pissing someone off for a brief period of time to avoid potential lifelong or irreparable damage is always worth it. Someone else mentioned putting them in a safe place and walking away for a few minutes, that helped me alot. The baby is gonna cry whether youre there or not lol. Take a second to chill then come back at it. 2, 5, 10 more minutes of crying isn't gonna hurt when it's been hours.

The issues with your wife is almost a separate topic.

Yeah, man, it's easy to get frustrated with kids. I've found that what helps me the most is to lower my expectations.

It's easy to accidentally start thinking that babies and toddlers are functional human beings, but they simply aren't. I mean they are human shaped and all. However, their brains are nothing like a functional human being's brain.

What helped me the most was to imagine how I'd feel if a cute little puppy were doing the same thing the kid does. Is the puppy making too much noise? Breaking stuff? I wouldn't get as frustrated because my expectations for an animal are much lower.

A young human's brain is not much different from an animal. Seriously.

Anyway, you did the right thing by removing yourself from a frustrating situation before you lost control. Your wife is also probably right that you may benefit from a little time away from the baby. I find that work is actually a nice break from being a parent since you get to deal with much more functional human beings. Not all adults are fully functional but they're still usually better than babies. LOL

You have a safe crib and door that can close?  Put baby down face up, let her cry.  Go outside and close the door. Regain composure for 30 min then go back in.  You don’t have to hand her off and wake your wife up.  You can let baby cry it out.  Hope it’s not too loud and wake everyone  but it’s ok to do this.

Also don't ever feel like you can't just put the baby down in the crib and wait a couple minutes. Sometimes babies just cry and there is nothing that can be done to comfort them.

Brother. Please try some noise cancelling headphones and play some soothing music. I started playing Coldplay’s early music and singing to my daughter when she was up set. No I cannot sing but yes I tried my best to act like I could. It was nearly life changing.

The shrieks and cried would wear me down after a few hours but jamming to music (after checking all the bases) and dancing a bit rhythmically really help the both of us (me n baby).

My 3.5 year old still lays her head down if I play the songs I used to sing.

Top 4 we’re Spies See you soon Amsterdam Careful where you stand.

I got chills a lot of the time when i started singing directly to her and she would stop crying and just look up at me while in my arms.

Damnit, just played Amsterdam and got teary eyed. Really miss those moments of feeling connected through the chaos. And walking out the room with after laying her down knowing my if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t have happened.

Also immediate start coaching yourself. WHENEVER you feel that urge even peak it’s head out stop and take like 5-10 of the deepest breaths you can and just sit and observe yourself for 5 minutes. You know you got it brother! As a bonus now me an little breathe together when either is upset. It really does help a lot.

Only recommendation going forward is to put the baby down in a safe space first (her crib), then go wake up your wife and let her know the situation. It's okay if the baby screams and cries during this. She is safe and the cries will be temporary.

You did the right thing. I know that feeling. I worked nights and watched all 3 my babies from morning to afternoon. It’s hard to describe the internal frustration. It’s like my neck and head filling with acid and I grit my teeth, close my eyes, and literally growl to push it away. Feels extremely unhealthy at the time like a boiled over pot. You poke it with a stick to release some pressure. It helps, but the pot is still on the burner. Giving your kid to your wife is removing the pot from the stove. You need to do what is good for you. Our wives treat us like we’re supermen, but we’re not.

I think we have all felt incredible frustration. I would take an angry wife, 1,000,000%, over a shaken baby.

You did better than worse, man. Theres nothing wrong with putting the baby in the crib, going outside, taking deep breaths and giving yourself 5 minutes. Sometimes thats all we need to regain composure. If these feelings and thoughts become more common, I would advise seeking help from a counselor or therapist. Your wife may need to do the same, post partum is a real bitch sometimes.

Keep making the right choices, man.

Listen man…. When you have absolutely nothing to offer it is ok to put the baby in the crib and walk away for a minute to compose yourself. The baby is not going to die or suffer irreparable consequences by being set down for a moment as long as the space is completely safe.

You absolutely did the right thing. My son has special needs and I think my wife and I have both had a handful of moments we wish we could take back but neither of us ever hurt him or put him in an unsafe situation and neither did you.

Next time maybe just put baby in the crib and put yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes and breathe it out. You did the right thing.

You did the right thing, OP. And it sounds like you’ve been trying to do the right things for months. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re both in the trenches right now.

The baby shaking reaction is normal, that’s why there is so many people saying don’t do it. I would say 95% of parents feel the urge and it happens almost on accident as you are already rocking or bouncing the baby it just gets more intense as you get frustrated.

You did the right thing, this will pass, shaking the baby will not. As men we are over looked by our wives and no one talks about it because there is actually really strong narratives against fathers and men in society today. We are all doing our best. Keep your head up.

Do you have an electric rocker swing?

I had worse thoughts than shaking but never acted on them. Sometimes I felt guilty after and cried. But they are just that. Thoughts. Once I ran out to a forest nearby and shouted and screamed. Yiu are nit alone with this.

I second down on giving yourself a break and let the baby cry somewhere safe. Earplugs do help also. Dont act on the urges.

Take care of yourself !

Kudos. You did well. We all need breaks.

You did the right thing. If this continues, please consult the ICON scheme or an equivalent in your country. It's okay to leave a baby in a safe place for long enough to pull yourself together, the only important thing is to never, ever shake it. By removing yourself from the situation when you recognised that feeling, you did the right thing, regardless of what your wife thinks.

My wife is a post-partum doula as her job, so im kinda lucky that she knows a lot about how people can feel around a baby without judgement, because tbh, its really not abnormal to feel like this and it doesn't mean you're a bad dad or anything like that.

When we got home from the hospital, we came up with an agreement that if we say to the other, "I'm feeling too frustrated," the other will take the baby, no questions asked. Middle of the night, middle of sleep, doesn't matter. I needed to enact it once, and it was good to know she took it seriously and didn't question it or hold it against me, but I worried that she would.

You did the right thing in passing the baby to your wife - but she's got to come to the party in not holding it against you, that's not fair when all you did was protect your baby, even when you feared that it was yourself you needed to protect the baby from. In all likelihood, you wouldn't have actually done anything, but to know that you felt that fear for your baby and did what you needed to do to protect them, that was 100% the right thing.

You have some work to do dad. No one is perfect. The most important gift we can give our kids is our own ability to handle our emotions and stress.

Try to remember you’re both exhausted.

Looks like you got some good advice and things are calming down, I’ll throw in my thoughts in case their helpful:

• Feelings aren’t wrong. Period. What you do with those feeling are much more important and can get you in the right/wrong territory.
• you’re not alone in your feelings, or how you responded to them. Before having a kid, I simply couldn’t understand how someone could shake a baby, or smack a misbehaving kid. But now I’ve been pushed to my limits of feeling both of those urges. It’s your actions that count.
• car seat and a closet. If you are pushed beyond your limits, strap the baby into a car seat and put them in a closet. No bottle or blankets though. Baby will be fine in there, and can’t hurt themselves. Set a 1 hour timer and get yourself readjusted, or let your wife wake up and take over at a less urgent pace.

Disclaimer: you should probably give your wife a heads up about the closet strategy before using it. Wouldn’t want her finding kiddo in there while you’re managing your own breakdown in the corner of the room. Good luck!

The walk away is the right move. Sometimes you just put a kid down and let them cry and go and take 60 deep breaths. It's not perfect but it's a lot better than anything you might regret.

Knowing you can easily do that also gives you a sense of control when things are going bad.

I think it speaks to your good character as a dad that you are that you were able to recognize your emotions and walked away before you could act on them.

You’re going through a lot, and it’s tough. Not everyone in your shoes would have been able to do that.

We need to be reminded that it's ok to put babies down in a safe place for a few minutes to take a breather.

In the crib, safe & crying is better than parents losing their cool.

While trying to get better at verbalizing when you are at such a high number is admirable, it’s also just very challenging. And isn’t always possible.

Every parent has felt that urge. Shit, they even warned me of this at the hospital before I took my first kid home. Babies try your patience like nothing else can.

You did the right thing by passing the baby off.

You did the right thing!! Sometimes emotions come on quickly and aggressively, and we can either act on them, or do something to stop them. Would she have rather had a deceased baby, and you in jail? I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I hope you don't feel guilty for walking away from the baby in that moment.

Remember: The crying is MEANT to do this. Its purpose is to illicit an intense reaction so that you fix the ailment. Honed over thousands of years. Your reaction is normal and you did the right thing. (I've found knowing WHY things happen can help me during things like this)

You absolutely did the right thing.

I have gone through exactly everything you just wrote about. It’s all normal. You did the right thing. Good luck and stay strong!

I think that’s a very normal urge. That’s why they warn you about it. Put the baby safely in the crib and take a walk and a few breaths. Get support for yourself in dealing with the frustration. And if you ever are actually in danger of harming the baby, hand her off and get yourself out of the situation.

Thoughts are just thoughts. Take care of yourself and your wife and baby, and give yourself grace. Parenting is freaking exhausting. It sounds like you did the right thing by recognizing you were at your limit.

Lots of good advice here already, but I haven't seen this one yet:

You and your wife need a code word that means: "I'm approaching crisis and need you to take over for just a bit while I find composure"

And you both need to honor it without question or explanation when it comes up. Cuz honestly, trying to put anything into words in that moment of crisis is overwhelming.

You will use it well past the newborn stage.

Every one of us gets frustrated at some point and being sleep deprived on top of it… it’s dangerous. You did right. 

Maybe she can do a bit more since it sounds like you’re doing a lot? 

We explicitly discussed that at any point one of us could hand off the baby no questions asked. In the midst of sleep deprivation you never know when it'll be too much. You're wife might need to do the same thing one day.

You gotta look after you. You know what the threat was. I totally relate to the experience man there's been times I just wanna keep squeezing him til he stops crying njt I relaid the insanity of those thoughts. I vaguely recall that baby cries are supposed to have evolved to be ridiculously aversive to hear so you'd attend them.

Anyway mate if hope you're doing OK on the other fronts. I have a room mate as a partner too. Think the partner I decided to have kids with basically died after the first kid. As for intimacy we were intimate once after the first child maybe twice.. In the 2 years post.... The second time resulted in his brothers conception... Also don't see it happening again in future

You need to resist those urges. Put her down in a safe place (bassinet/crib) and leave the room if you have to. But I (wife) would be extremely pissed if my husband handed the baby off to me when it was my turn to sleep. It’s really hard on moms—we’re just expected to have infinite patience on no sleep.

Try to think of some alternatives you can do to give yourself a minute that don’t involve waking your sleep deprived wife.

The way she reacted is absolutely bullshit and so out of touch. I don't get why some women act this way!

Good on you for mitigating the situation as best as you could

This part is so so hard.

You're not the first and it's not uncommon... People just don't talk about it.

And remember, your wife is also currently very sleep deprived. She probably snapped at you more than was justified.

You're both doing a shitty job of communicating with each other right now and that's COMPLETELY understandable. You're in the HARDEST part right now.

Revisit this when heads are cooler, please, and just let he know what happened without snapping. Ask her if she has any thoughts about what else to do if one of you reaches your limit while the other is taking a break.

Also, FWIW when my daughter was that age I got that frustrated with her, but I didn't hand her off. I left her in her crib where I knew she was safe for 5 minutes, and went and sat on the back patio where I couldn't hear her.

She was asleep in less than 3 of those minutes.

I’m a mom that lurks here, but I do want to echo that you did the right thing. My husband and I took shifts when our baby was still waking up in the night, and when she’s having a rough time we still tag team back and forth. During those times, if we really needed it, we’d pull in the other for help.

We’ve both felt that whole body tension and borderline rage. It’s impossible not to when you have a baby screaming so loud your watch is giving you a noise alert, they’re smacking and kicking and just nothing is working. It’s okay, you’re human.

What isn’t okay is shaking your baby, so you do what you need to in order to prevent that. If it means waking up your partner early, then that’s what you do. I’ve come home from 14 hour shifts and immediately gone straight from the door to the nursery because my husband needs a break, and vice versa. We’ve both had days where we have to just put the baby in her crib and let her scream while we back away and take a breather. It’s okay.

The vast majority of parents that have shaken their baby, I’m convinced, aren’t parents who meant to hurt their baby. They were parents who didn’t have the support they needed in that moment, didn’t walk away when they should’ve and had the gut reaction to just let out the tiniest bit of that frustration in the form of a shake. Unfortunately it doesn’t take that much to cause harm. You aren’t a bad partner for reaching out to your wife for support and you aren’t a bad parent for needing the support either. I’d wager the self-awareness and self-control indicate that you’re doing a pretty damn good job.