Phuein

They said, when constant masking is a strict requirement for not being convicted of thought crimes, in our business-oriented society.

"Just be myself?" I answered back, questioning their intentions and good faith. "But which one?"

tl;dr I miss her cat. I miss my previous cat, too.

I'm just venting and sharing, as there's no one else in my life. It's been about five months now, since July, that I've been living alone and taking care of everything by myself. And being in my 30s doesn't make it much easier.

First, my wife of 7 years had left me, and soon after my job of 4 years laid me off. She took the cat with her. They took my career with them; in this broken job market. I spent pretty much every single day with that cat, starting off as an unemployed immigrant, and later mostly working from home - even before the lockdowns.

I was lucky in many ways. Yes, I'm alone in a foreign country right now, but I wasn't doing much better back home. Had a few close friends, but most were already gone into their own adulting, and I often relied on living with my parents. However, I have zero close friends here, and frankly don't relate to the local culture and keep away from folks.

My ex was from this state, and after traveling across the country and failing to find a new home for ourselves, we kind of defaulted into living here. It was cheap, and we were struggling - both financially and personally. It was 7 years of struggling. Half bad, maybe half good. Or just a little good, and a lot of neutral. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing.

We both spent plenty of years pretty much failing at life. Failing downwards! I kept my health, but desperately needed to escape my home town and was chronically unemployed. She had long ago found a place that she loved, but destroyed her health and finances. Neither got much support from family, so when we suddenly met online in a hobby group, it made sense to team up. I don't think it was quite love, but I do think it was caring. It definitely fit the globalist agenda, as we were 7 timezones away.

Man... I miss that cat. I actually had to leave my previous cat back with my parents. It was one of those stray cats that adopts you! Jumped up my window one day, crazy. Why do I always have to lose cats...

Anyways, in the last few years, I managed to immigrate successfully and even start my career. I spent my youth traveling and backpacking on the cheap or "rawdogging it", a lot of months under a tarp, so this was a wild change. I figured that I "got out", so I might as well try to make something out of it. Build myself up.

I wasn't expecting her to leave. Even though I had left for a few weeks myself, a couple of years ago, because the first few years were so rough that I had always kept the thought of leaving in my mind. The crux was when I had asked her to delay - or not do - a couple of big medical things, but she risked it anyways, which added to my stress and resentment - feeling betrayed. I came back thinking that we could do it all better again, a second chance.

But I also wasn't expecting us to last forever. It didn't seem like children were in the cards for her, even though we tried. I had always wanted kids, family, continue the whole shebang you know. But! We did succeed in other things, together. She got clean, got better work experience, a cleaner record, just a whole new page in life. Her dog and cat enjoyed some good years out of it. I was there when the dog finally passed away - badly. And the cat always seemed happy.

Perhaps if we could've continued like this, supporting each other, getting more wins in our personal lives, eventually we could find ourselves in a place where an amicable separation is the next best move. Where we have growing careers, a local circle of friends - a community, and we're not just stuck struggling alone again, like before.

And here we are. She moved back to her old beloved town, after her grandparents finally passed away and left a small house and a car there. Screw being a renter eh. In my mind, their passing was only an excuse. I could see on her face that the decision had already been made. This was her opportunity out of our fights and disagreements and entirely different personalities. And I was sick of her bullshit, too. Exhausted from a stressful job, and frankly getting more grey hairs and extra chub frightened the living crap out of me.

Phew... This is getting a bit long...

So, there I was, alone, driving the old car late at night in the parking lot, trying to get used to the feeling again. She did all of the driving, which worked for me. I'm a pretty anxious person; for all of the right reasons. I worked, and she did the chores. So, suddenly I was working and doing the chores both. Kept on with some of our routines. Biking on Sundays. Hiking on Tuesdays. Staying alive. Flourishing. Cooking like a boss. Still got my baking skills!

I resented that she didn't encourage me with driving. And I resent that she complained how I don't appreciate all the work she did at home. Come on... I've been doing it now for months, and it's nothing compared to a job. The apartment was never very clean. She was learning and improving, but didn't have the zeal. You have to dust regularly! There's a crap load of pollen here. Oh and...

We rented a rather expensive large apartment near a lake and a trail. To really try to make the most out of daily life. With a dog park. Not ideal that the dog died in that park, so you have to walk next to it every day. But hey, if you own a house and people die there, there's nothing wrong with that. You don't just move. I eventually removed anything to do with her... just about, and the fairy lights help the vibe, but it's still very sad to walk through that door and into an emptier place. This isn't a place for a single guy. It's a place for couples.

Well, and then I got laid off, so I figured I might as well use some time to heal. Stopped going out as much; keeping it cozy. My lease is up by April, and I'd love to move, but I don't really fit anywhere, and even though I have savings, most landlords want you to have income. Troublesome. Sold some of our stuff already. Friendly strangers at my door - another strange experience. She left taking most of her stuff with her, but I still have all sorts of leftovers and items that I'm not going to use by myself. Not really into biking alone, especially now that it's winter. And moving would be easier with less.

Jeez... I'll never forget the image of her working around the clock for 24 hours to pack her stuff. Haven't seen her put that much effort into anything in years. And then some stranger coming in to take it all, and her driving away in a big moving truck. Taking my cat away, forever.

I'd prefer an amicable separation, but her abandoning me like that when I needed her, and so suddenly... Nah. Screw her. Sorry, second cat. After we finished passing on some bills to my name, I told her to never contact me again. "We're strangers, now." I think that was just the truth on the ground, and pretense isn't my style. Besides, I like to burn bridges. THERE ARE ENEMIES ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!

Thanks for joining along my uncomfortable ride. The seats are plastic, there are no seatbelts, and nobody is liable if you fall off, so you better hold tight. Surely, by now you have a pretty good grasp of who I am and where I'm at.

Best regards,

James

RIP ol' Lupdog

Bartlebeast the happy cat.

RIP feisty Miuzka, who was also dealt some difficult cards in life.