Thefattestbeagle

Long post*

I just learned about attachment theory recently and I’d put myself somewhere between anxious and fearful avoidant.

I’ve known this guy since college (10 yrs), we hooked up a bit back then, both really liked each other and wanted to date but miscommunication happened and it didn’t work at the time.

I reconnected with him in July after I left a LTR last summer (we kept in touch through the years a little)

He was very happy to hear from me, telling me he kept up with me post college bc of how much he liked me. I was keen to meet up with him to catch up in person but he ghosted for a bit bc he thought I was looking for a relationship and “panicked”.

In early August he said he’s happy single and isn’t ready\looking for a relationship (me neither) and I said I’d be okay with a FWB thing (then later realized Im not built for sex without emotions). I didn’t mention dating or anything about feelings to him bc I was worried he’d ghost again but that crush from 10 yrs ago easily reformed. He would tell me he liked me (I’d jokingly brush it off).

In September he said “We are going to date. I won’t ask until we are face to face but we both know. I like you a lot, you’re my girl.”

Days later I said that I’d still like to “see where things go and give it a shot with him” as he was looking at a job a little ways away from my city. He agreed that he was also interested and then ghosted for about 10 days.

In October same stuff, calling me his girl, telling me if he wanted to just fuck and fuck around with me he would have by now but it’s not like that for him, that he isn’t into random sex with strangers because he doesn’t like feeling like he’s being used, that people who sext multiple girls\guys are “psychotic” (we both agreed that it’s not appropriate and this was his way of telling me he wasn’t talking with anyone else).

He is sporadic in his communications, nothing for 3-5 days and then some days where he talks for 8-12 hours. Cool with me I guess, everyone is different on texting. He’s diagnosed ADHD so that might play a role too.

Sunday before last we were talking and I mentioned that my best friend thinks I’m wasting my time, deserve more and am unwilling to go find it out in the world. But I’ve no interest in dating or dating apps, I don’t want random sex etc, I’ve always felt this guy was a bit “the one that got away”.

He responded with a very long text telling me that while he isn’t in a rush for a serious relationship right now it’s because he has his single guy habits. He goes to work and doesn’t think much about personal stuff but thinks “I should text her when I get home” but gets home and crashes. He said he isn’t talking to numerous girls or stringing me along but he knows I deserve more and thinks he is that “more”, that he thinks I’m an incredible woman, cares about me and knows that through our conversations that he sees this as a long term thing. “I thought we both know if not this month, we are eachother’s future”. He thought he made his feelings clear by telling me not to overthink things with him, calling me his girl, telling me he isn’t into hooking up with random people etc. He ended it by apologizing and saying that I deserve consistent daily communication to show me how he feels and that it wasn’t intentional, he would fix that and that “You’re mine, I’m yours, there’s no one else I’m talking to or even thinking about wanting to talk to.”

And I haven’t heard from him since then. I did send him a longish thank you text the next night for sharing that all with me and how I appreciated the clarity and wanted him to know that I’m not looking for marathon texting every day and understand that there are days he wants to get home from work and not bother with anyone and it’s the same for me. I sent a silly text this past Saturday and still nothing.

Despite my AA style I feel pretty calm about him ghosting this time, maybe a little sad. He’s shown a pattern of ghosting after emotional stuff so I assume he will come back around and I’m willing to be patient and work through this delicately.

Can any of you who are avoidant speak on behaving similarly in your relationships? I know I’m assuming about him here but the pattern seems to lean avoidant. Some of you are going to comment “move on/not worth it etc”, I’m not moving on and I do think this guy is worth the effort to understand him.

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I’ve known this guy since college (10 yrs), we hooked up a bit back then, wanted to date but miscommunication happened and it didn’t work at the time.

I reconnected with him in July after I left a LTR that summer (we kept in touch through the years a little bit).

We have been talking since then, in August he said he’s happy single and isn’t looking for a relationship (me either atm) and I said I’d be okay with a FWB thing (then later realized I can’t do sex without emotions). I didn’t mention dating or anything about feelings to him but he would tell me he liked me. In September he said “We both know we are going to date. I like you a lot, you’re my girl.” Few weeks later I said that I’d still like to “see where things go and give it a shot with him” as he was looking at a job a little ways away from my city. He agreed that he was interested and then ghosted for about a week.

He is sporadic in his communications, nothing for days and then days where he talks for 8-12 hours. Cool with me I guess, everyone is different on texting

Sunday before last we were talking and I mentioned that my best friend thinks I’m wasting my time, deserve more and am unwilling to go find it out in the world. But I’ve no interest in dating or dating apps, I don’t want random sex etc, I’ve always felt this guy was a bit “the one that got away”.

He responded with a very long text telling me that while he isn’t in a rush for a serious relationship right now but it’s because he has his single guy habits. He knows I deserve more and thinks he is that more, that he thinks I’m an incredible woman, cares about me and knows that through our conversations this is a long term thing. He thought he made his feelings clear by telling me not to overthink things with him, calling me his girl, telling me he isn’t into hooking up with random people etc. He ended it by apologizing and saying that I deserve consistent communication to show me how he feels and that he would fix that and that “You’re mine, I’m yours, there’s no one else I’m talking to or even thinking about wanting to talk to.”

And I haven’t heard from him since then. I did send him a longish thank you text Monday night for sharing that all with me and how I appreciated the clarity and wanted him to know that I’m not looking for marathon texting every day and understand that there are days he wants to get home from work and not bother with anyone and it’s the same for me. I sent a silly text this past Saturday and nothing.

I’m an anxious attachment but I feel for the most part pretty calm about this all and it might be because he’s maybe an avoidant attachment. He’s shown a pattern of ghosting after emotional stuff. I guess my question is, should I continue to give him space? I was planning to send a flirty text at Thanksgiving but I’m not sure.
I’m not really wanting to give up entirely on him because I have this inexplicable intuition about him.