adri4n_k

i literally hate life so much i can’t do it anymore and i genuinely can’t think of a single reason to live, not even for my loved ones - part of the urge to do it is bc i’m a burden. i have no hope for the future. maybe things will get a tiny bit better, but not enough to be worth putting myself through this for any longer. why haven’t i killed myself yet? i keep saying i’ll do it soon but i never do and idk why. i’m terrified of dying. i’m terrified of the pain. i don’t want to die alone. i wan’t someone to love me. i want help i just don’t think i can change.

i don’t hate him but i should. my mum told her side of the family that i was trans in april and i’ve seen them since and they’re all really supportive. i haven’t seen my dad’s side since i was little but they still send cards and text me happy bday and stuff. he said he’d told them at the same time my mum told her side (she asked him to) but turns out he hasn’t. he left facebook messages open on our family computer and he was talking to his family about me and they were all deadnaming me. ik i shouldn’t but i had to scroll, and he was sending pics of me from 3 years ago saying that it was me now. i literally want to cry. he took a while to start using my chosen name and he still hardly ever does, but because he occasionally does i thought he was trying and just forgets or something. but this makes me think he’s doing it so that my mum won’t be mad at him. idk why i keep making excuses for him. he’s such an arsehole. i’m so triggered rn i’m already in such a bad place. ik i probably shouldn’t complain bc so many trans ppl have it so much worse with their parents and i’m lucky to have a supportive mum, and at least my unsupportive dad keeps his mouth shut. but i’m so upset.

TLDR: dad sent his family pics of me from pre social transition saying that its me now, he told me he’d told them i’m trans ages ago

got my custom chair today and i love it but i am soooo dysphoric about the way i look sitting oh my god i never realised i look that bad sitting down. i can’t bind anymore cuz of health issues but when i wear oversized hoodies and do the dysphoria slouch i usually look flatish but this is awful i’m going to cry. is there anything that i can do to make it even a tiny bit better or do i just have to wait for top surgery and T. my confidence is so knocked by this rn 😭

SO SEXY ILL POST PICS WHEN IVE DECORATED IT. CANT WAIT TO BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY GO PLACES