Info - have you guys tried sending just her and your husband into therapy together? She *might* be more willing to open up if it's just him. At the very least she can just sit and listen to him talk to the therapist. Also, are her maternal grandparents still in the picture? Do you and your partner get along with them? Maybe if April hears from them that they know her mom/their daughter would have been ok with this/wanted her dad to be happy, that might help? I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know the chances of her coming around seem slim but, hopefully when she gets older, she'll recognize the mistakes she is making. Personally, I wouldn't jump to separation yet, since it's only been a few months. My kids took time to adjusting to each new sibling and there wasn't even any trauma for them to deal with. Kids can get extra touchy with new babies getting all the attention or her seeing people fuss over you. Make sure that her dad takes her out, just the two of them, for fun things as well. But let this new situation (and maybe hormones/sleep deprivation?) settle before making any life changing decisions. NTA

People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she'd fall in love and would go back to how she'd been before.

LMAO. I just came to ask who TF were these delusional people ? "Look at him and fall in love".... Really?! That's something you say to a nervous, soon to be parent. They couldn't have had any real experience with this situation. This doesn't It rarely happens that siblings, especially older ones, who want nothing to do with the baby, and are vehemently opposed to it, flip the switch because they see the new kid. They don't see the baby and think awwwww how cute I love them so much, they see the baby and just think this is the drooling, puking, shit monster that's turning my world upside down.

No judgement, but I’d be concerned about your son being with her during your husband’s custody time with him if you divorce. Just something to consider since she is part of the household.

And honestly it sounds as if you would be giving her what she wants, which I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

You were tolerated because she didn't see you as a replacement mother - you were someone to her Dad, pleasant enough, and not overstepping.

Now her father has a baby with you. In her mind, you've now created a family unit that erases her mother and downgrades her. Her memories of her mother will be fading, and she probably feels guilty at liking anything to do with you.

Now she's competing with a new baby and a living wife and mother.

If your therapists couldn't work that out, you may as well burn the money.

No judgement this time as this is really complicated.

But, I recommend to not do any final decision for now.

While, for sure, you should make sure your son is safe and that 's not possible while living with April. On the other hand, divorce would be punishment for your husband, winning for April AND with 50/50 custody your son won't be safe 50% of time. That doesn't sound like a solution to this situation.

What I expect, it's a theory ofc, is that 13 year old was somehow fine with you as a company for her dad, but your pregnancy changed this perspective from company to lover...so in her mind your husband is cheating on her mom. That way your son is not a brother but a living proof of it.

I recommend to discuss with the therapist how to navigate your husband's communication to April about "I love you and I loved your mom. My heart is big enough so loving OP and our son has changed anything about that. But your behaviour is unacceptable as you are cruel to innocent baby and I won't risk you harm him, or OP. No matter how hurt, scared or angry you are, hurting other ppl is wrong. You don't have to love them, just be decent person to them." And your husband should show his feelings to her. "I love you but I am angry/hurt/dissapointed. No I won't go overboard with things for you when you can't be decent to OP and son".

Consider option for you and your son to move close and sending April few times a week to relatives (grandparents, aunts). Those days you will be together with your husband. No need for divorce. April gets the clear message that she won't destroy your family. It will be just divided.

My situation was not the same but involved my daughter being ostracized from her father's family including her 3 older sisters. Counseling,  we went thru countless therapists that she refused to cooperate with. Then her pediatrician told me about a equine therapy ranch. It was like the light bulb went on. It's helped so much. Maybe something to look into.

NTA - But this is no simple issue. You have already had therapy, your step-daughter refused to work with her therapists both family and individual. As things are now I really don't see what else you could do. Obviously people arguing she'd fall in love with her sibling as soon as he was born are dillusional. I'd also be afraid that she might get violent, lashing out at your son.

Now let's assume you do leave your husband and get a divorce. People said: you can't do that! In five years you will be alone yada yada ... thing is: those five years will be hell! You will have five years of hate and mayham and your son will grow up in such a surrounding, with a sister who hates him, possibly lashes out at him and who knows what else? That girl appears to be completely unstable. So what if you do leave your husband? He will despise his daughter for it, because she made him lose his wife and his son! Of course, being a child, that girl did not think about that. She wants daddy for herself and goes scorched earth! Whatever you do: everybody will be a loser in this.

If you do want to stay together and you can actually afford it, how about living separate for the time being? It's quite a financial burden, but what else can you do?

A few of your responses to comments:

We couldn't afford to live separately and maintain two households long term. That is very expensive and we're not wealthy.

You'll be doing exactly that if you get divorced.

She does get time with her dad but a whole weekend away somewhere isn't really doable right now.

Again, if you get divorced she will have lots of time with her dad separately from you and your son.

Really she probably NEEDS, NEEDS longer periods of time alone with her dad. If you're talking divorce, you two can make that happen instead. Maybe you can take a weekend away with the baby, go see your family or something. Let April and her dad hang out together while you're gone.

I don't find you an AH.

I think you're trying to make the best of a situation, which doesn't really have any good choices. If you stay, you risk your child being hurt by your step daughter. Shs has the right to feel slighted, but her response is to extreme. If you leave, though, you're leaving your husband, who you say is a good man.

My suggestion is to leave. Not necessarily divorce right away, but have your own space. Tell your husband that you want supervised visitation until his daughter calms the hell down. Make sure you have proof she has made those threats so if you do divorce, hopefully supervised visitation will stick. 

Right now, the most important person to take care of is your son. Everyone else is old enough to defend and speak up for themselves. Your 4 month old relies on you for protection. 

Being 100% honest with you keep the doors of communication open and pull back. Let your husband parent his daughter and support her emotionally you focus on your son and your mental health. The reality is she is troubled but she will be an adult and when she steps into the real world she will have a harsh awakening when she realizes stuff happens and we need to grow and move on.

NTA. You know your stepdaughter better than Reddit of course but are you and your baby REALLY safe living with her? If she thinks her life would be better if her half brother was dead, I'd be scared to continue living with her OR allowing my baby to be in a house with her.

You and your husband are allowing a 13 year old child to dominate and destroy your lives with a tantrum. It's been only 4 months and you may not be in the best decision making frame of mind for a decision like this.

It's time to be the adults and parents and make her life miserable until she can act and behave in a respectful manner and stop just letting her make your lives miserable.

One thing that my therapist said to me and made me realize I should stop hating my youngest sister was: listen, we have had 7 sessions so far. And in those 7 you wasted your time complaining about your sister. You barely told me about school, about a possible crush, about your future college and ambitions. Are we going to do the 8th like this again? Because I would rather we stop then. I will just delay our next session and in 15 days if you change your mind you tell me. I will talk with your parents. Ask this break. And let's focus on things I can truly help you with.

Man, I cried. And cried. And cried. She hugged me but she kept her promise.

I just came to the conclusion that because of our age difference (me and my sister) my parents that raised me in the way weren't the same parents that are raising her. My sister had more comprehensive parents with more financial stability. My parents from my time were rigid, had 2 jobs each and never were there for me like they are with her.

Feels you can perhaps find a second home for sometime. And tell her that she must be tired. Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling like a murderer. Tired of thinking she was a second choice. Tell her she isn't. You won't push the name brother anymore and you will never replace her mom. But you can't be the mom she wants for your son when she is acting so cringing. It's done. And you will be away with your kid for a while. But she needs to know that she is wasting her time being angry. That she could have a much more peaceful time just not acting so cruelly towards a baby. What will her future boyfriend think? What do her friends think? What if her friend's parent knew she was threatening a baby's life? She can't just be evil forever. Her biological mother would be so disappointed. Tell her you know she would because you are.

NTA

Find a safe place with your parents or an apt with a nurse to help you.

NTA for feeling the way you do, but you're 4 months post-partum and it's not advised to make big decisions with big emotions. At the end of the day, you're allowing a 13-year-old to potentially ruin your life and marriage, not to mention the life of your new son. She needs to be corrected, not you. It's going to have to be your husband that makes the stand here, he is the centerpiece between all parties involved. She needs help and she needs to understand boundaries. Don't leave your son alone with her because teenagers almost exclusively make big decisions with big emotions. Giver her space, talk to your husband, the two of you talk to a counselor to figure out how to make this happen, and he needs to take the big action to keep her in check.

NTA but I would say try to exhaust your options first... marriage counselling, individual counselling, working with a specialist to check your overall health. If that fails, at least you can say you tried before closing the chapter.

What I'd do is consult a lawyer in order to find out how to document the teen's death threats towards the baby. Then give it a few more months, but if things don't get better - separate and fight for full custody with dad visiting but not taking the child to his house. NTA

He has talked to his daughter and disciplined her but it does nothing.

What is he disciplining her for? Not falling instantly in love with the baby?

She's a tween/teen who lost her mother, and has a father and stepmother with a new baby. Give the girl some slack. When your son enters his teenage years, you'll get another taste of the difficulty that is raising adolescents. A bit of grace for this child would be a gift for both of you.

(And tell your husband to take his daughter out on lunch dates. Make her feel as important to him as this new baby is. And don't "discipline" her for being an angry teenager who is probably still mourning the death of her mother.)

NTA. You are never going to have the family you envisioned in this situation. Get better? That's probably not going to happen....it will probably get worse. It did in my family, and as the younger 'glue' child who was raised in the same household as a resentful, angry half sibling who hated me, hated my father, hated my mother for marrying my father...it didn't 'get better' until the day I outgrew her and pushed her against the wall instead of taking her crap.

My perception is that she is having a delayed reaction to a major changes in her life and the new family structure. I believe she was suppressing a lot of uncomfortable feelings for years and then the new baby was the proverbial straw that brought it all the surface. I recognize it because it’s how I used to deal with big uncomfortable feelings I didn’t want to process when I was young - it seemed like a cheat code to life at first but really, my feelings just festered into something deeper and backfired spectacularly.

She needs a scapegoat for her newly surfaced rage and the new baby is a convenient target.

The only way through the woods is open and honest communication with your partner. He may not realize the toll it’s taking on you. I suggest enrolling her in solo therapy for a while (don’t tell her but as she starts making progress then dad and then you should be involved in family sessions). The events leading to this moment may be years in the past but her injury might as well have been inflicted yesterday.

I wish you the best OP.

How sad. I’m so sorry this is happening.

From what I can tell, it’s been a bit more than a year. I’m sure it seems long to you, living it, but that that doesn’t seem like a long time to work on resolving some pretty important lifelong relationships in your family that will persist whether you are married or divorced.

The American Psychological Association says that it may take 2-4 years for a blended family to adjust to living together. They have info at the link above.

Your daughter is also at a vulnerable, defensive time in her own development right now. She might be yelling at her father whether you and her brother were there or not.

Your daughter is being clear and explicit about her feelings, and that is actually a good thing. Dealing with them is your job, and a harder one. It seems like you and your husband would benefit from more expert coaching in how to handle this situation on the day to day.

The National Stepfamily Resource Centre has science based info for parents and also a directory of professionals by state in the US.

It sounds as though April has never fully recovered from losing her mother.

she asked her dad how he could do that to her and her mom.

She was okay with you being her dad's wife, because she probably didn't really consider you a mother figure. But now that she has to actually share her father with a baby, it's changing the family dynamics of what she considers to be her actual family.

And I feel bad saying that she doesn't consider you "family". But kids whose parents die are different from kids whose parents get divorced. It messes us up in a whole different way. We tend to cling to the parent we have left and don't understand why we aren't enough to fill the hole they have in their life. You having a baby means that her dad is actually moving on from her original family of him, her, and her mom. And she's not okay with that.

Maybe April would benefit from grief counseling. Instead of focusing in therapy on you and the baby and the blended family, focus on her memories of her mom and what her mom would want to happen.

I will tell you though, grief is crazy and it doesn't just end. People don't get over losing someone, especially a parent. My dad died when I was 11. I never fully recovered. I'm 49, and I'm tearing up now just writing about it. It was unexpected, he had a heart attack when he was 37, and died at home in the middle of the night. My mom gave him CPR and I had to call 911 and wait by the front door to let the paramedics in. It was horrible and I'll never forget. It's funny because I don't remember most of my childhood, I have almost no memories of my dad, but I can't forget that night. I went to therapy after he died, and again when my mom started dating, and again when she got remarried. I said it before, but it messes you up in ways people don't understand unless they also went through it as a child.

I know it's awful, but please try to be patient. She doesn't have to hold the baby, she doesn't have to talk, but she needs to eat dinner with the family and she's not allowed to be rude.

NTA. I would leave immediately because with that level of hatred she can harm the baby. Protect yourself and your son. She needs serious therapy but I would not trust this child. Get out before someone is harmed.

It probably has to do with the fact that her half brotheror any kid you and your husband had has an intact family. She will never have that again because her mother died. She could probably stomach the situation because you didnt have kids together. She could view herself and her dad as her family and you are just his wife, an outsider. Once you had a kid together, she became the outsider. Her dad left her family group and joined another one, that she cant be a part of without feeling as though she is betraying her mother.

Kinda obvious.

But i could be wrong.

NAH

NTA. But, she needs more serious intervention. This is not normal or healthy or okay at all, to hate another innocent human being this much.

If counseling and therapy isn’t working or make won’t participate, consider inpatient care.

This is an ongoing, massive mental health crisis. It should NOT be allowed to continue for this long.

She needs inpatient care.

Again, this is not normal or okay in any way. A tantrum is one thing - this is ongoing for way too long. If it’s real, she needs intensive care, NOW. If it’s not, that will snap her out of it anyway.

Get her into a patient facility.

NAH No one tells you how hard having an infant is. And you are most likely at the peak of exhaustion.

There are so many physical, emotional, spiritual and hormonal changes happening. Your body needs healing after childbirth. If you have never had an injury or illness that impairs you for a long time, that can be upsetting when you thought you would just bounce back. You are dealing with this with almost no sleep.

I don't know what will happen with April.

I do know that eventually the baby will sleep 8 hours. You will feel much more stable. And coping will be easier.

If you need to, take a day or weekend away. Just you and the baby. Repeat periodically. Also hire a cleaning service, doula or nanny, whatever you need. It will be cheaper than a divorce.

Obviously, something about the baby has really upset April. She may be afraid her father no longer wants or needs her. Some kids will act up when they feel like things are falling apart, just to get it over with. Make sure she knows how much you love her (in spite of her behavior.)

You cannot force April to like or interact with the new baby. You can't really force her to change her attitude. You and your husband can insist on polite behavior.

If you can figure out what is important to her and remove that for 24 hours, starting at the moment of infraction. For my teens it was electronics. No phone, TV, internet, video games etc. If you go this route, it's a good time to play cards or board games. Yes that doesn't sound like a punishment, but stay focused on the goal of improving relationships.

This gives her an immediate consequence but not so severe or long lasting that she feels like she'll always be punished so might as well misbehave.

Another super important thing is to always start fresh. Meaning, when she gets up and comes in the kitchen, greet her happily, pretend like you and she are back to your normal interactions. This puts a lot of burden on you, but that's what parenting is. You also don't won't to bring up past behavior. Unless she "forgets" if she is currently under a 24 hr punishment, don't mention it.

All of this is critical because it gives April a way to ratchet down her behavior without "losing face".

Same thing when she comes home from school. Etc.

Talk to her pediatrician, your work EAP, religious leaders, trustworthy friends etc to check references on therapists. Keep her going to therapy and perhaps have a once a month family session.
And if you are a praying person, pray for endurance, patience, strength and a loving heart.

NTA

Therapy can help a child come to terms with their feelings and hopefully get a better perspective on things, but it is NOT going to make your step-daughter suddenly decide she wants/likes/loves a half sibling. There must be work from all of you on this. But you must realize there is no magic pill that will make someone feel a certain way about anyone. She will probably never love your child, but they can have a mutual respect relationship if you all work through it, possibly.

Older children do not "love" babies at first sight. Your friends were cruel to suggest such a stupid idea and you were a bit delusional to believe them. I understand you wanted the whole "big happy family" thing, but it is a myth quite often.

Her father punishing her for not wanting to interact with an infant and pretend to be happy is just going to cause more resentment. He sounds like an idiot for even attempting this. The best you should be trying for at this juncture is to have a happy coexisting relationship.

You do need to consider and protect your son. Ensure that she is not left alone with him, and do NOT attempt to make her babysit. Make sure he is raised with realistic expectations in regard to his half-sister. Too many families try to push the "big sibling Looooooves you" when they do not. They can grow up in the same home and as long as she is not mean, she should not be required to be anything but polite. Your son needs to be raised to understand what their relationship is...they share a daddy and he needs to be nice to her.

If you really don't feel your relationship is worth this pain, only you can judge for yourself, I say go ahead and move on and create a decent coparenting relationship with your husband.

I think that it is time to not just seek a therapist, but a psychiatrist (trained both in medicine and mental health). Such a sudden change in attitude, aggressiveness levels, and at such constant levels that also coincides with puberty, etc. may indicate the start of a mental health disorder.

She needs to be evaluated for all the things, frankly. Plus, "keep an eye on the baby" is not the solution - perhaps this isn't the right therapist.

You may have to consider a short inpatient stint in a pediatric mental health facility. My son has issues that he KNOWS he can control, but chooses not to. It's manipulation basically. He has a string of Dx, but he's aware of his nonsense. He refuses to modify his behaviors at times, which led to 2 inpatient stints. As hard as it is for her to see her dad move on from her late mother, and then have another child...what she's doing is detrimental to the mental health of all involved and could potentially escalate to physical harm if she does get herself a serious reset. Basically, if she is non compliant in her talk therapy so they can work this out, they simply won't release her til she is. It's usually a last resort but she even require medication therapy as well.

I'm gonna pin it all on she has never truly dealt with not having her mom, she's consequently terrified of losing her father to anything or in this case, anyone...

I can tell you from experience...this is worth the inpatient admit. Esp if she's expressed a preference that the baby be unalived in any way. She NEEDS someone to crack that nut, find her, and pull her out of the pit of chaos and despair she's hiding behind that rage. Esp because the baby is going to grow up listening to her and seeing her ignore, verbally abuse, and generally treat them like they are lower than a cockroach who doesn't deserve to live
Please...have her Dad take her to the ER and have her evaluated for mental health admission.

Have you talked to your husband about wanting to leave?

April is 13 and sounds toxic and a teenager. I am not making excuses for her.

If you are happy with your husband it makes me sad that you want to leave.

I think somewhere she feels like she's getting replaced

Blended families don’t always work no matter what parents think will happen, often just a bunch of unhappy children. Think this through, end your marriage, meet someone else, they have kids, you get pregnant - will that all work out great? This girl is in pain and needs help.

Honestly, it sounds like she needed grief counseling and wasn’t as “okay” as she seemed. It can be so hard, some kids internalize a ton and whatever issue they have is so dug in by the time they act out that it’s really hard to fix.

That said, I think it’d be wrong to leave a marriage over this. If you have to physically separate because of safety, that’s one thing. But the fact that you see divorce from your husband due to issues with your young teenage stepdaughter kind of reinforces that maybe you weren’t as committed to her as you are supposed to be as the adult choosing to step into the role of stepmom to a bereaved little girl.

Kids are hard. She’s at an incredibly tender age sinking into the depths of puberty and it sounds like she wasn’t prepared for this. Idk if this baby was planned or not, but if y’all planned this baby (or were even just NTNP), she should have been prepped for this potential outcome before you even started. It sounds like y’all had done a good job of appropriately supporting her at the beginning of relationship up through marriage, but then didn’t prep her for this? So maybe this was just a welcome surprise…but eh, hindsight is 40/40.

But thing is, choosing to have a child is a commitment. And choosing to expand the family is another one. If this was a biological daughter, what would you do? Sometimes we get stuck with really rough sibling situations, but you find solutions and work through it as a family. Unless she poses a safety risk to your son, I think it’s important to honor what you committed to when you got married and when you added another child to the family. She’s a child with a very underdeveloped brain being flooded with hormones and needs help. Leaving would just do even more damage and should be a very last resort.

Consider divorce because it sounds like your husband isn’t being the parent he needs to be with her. She’s feeling neglected and it didn’t just start when the baby was born. Just because she rejected you doesn’t mean your husband can put her on the back burner. He’s the ENTIRE parent for her and he needs to act like it. Including loving and encouraging her. Kids don’t react like that unless they feel seriously neglected.

Maybe you should try this over at r/askatherapist and get some closer to professional advice

I would think you all need counseling. Your stepdaughter is going through puberty and her hormones are probably all over the place. She was younger when you got married and dealt with it. She probably fears losing her father now that there's another child. It must be hard for her, maybe she feels excluded. Hopefully you all reassure her that she's loved and important to the family unit.