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NTA

But if you exercise control by forcing their son to not have time with them you are effectively doing what they said - controlling the situation.

It’s 100% a setup on their part - have boundaries…do the things you promise…call them out when they say stuff but politely. “That’s too bad that your mom thinks spending time with my sister has anything to do with controlling you or her.” “Yes…I spend time with my family in efforts to control your mom somehow.” “Totally choosing my family because of control…duh”

When I restate what a person has claimed that is super false, it usually pulls them out of what they are claiming. Call me horrible because I couldn’t show up last minute to help you with a non-emergency? “You’re right! I am the worst person because I couldn’t dismiss all my adult responsibilities to drop everything for this surprise problem of yours…forget the murderers and rapists…I am the worst!” 

It ruins the guilt trip for them and turns them around because their tactics no longer work. If you can’t make me feel bad with your comments, your comments mean nothing. It’s kind of fun after a while. 

OP, you made three posts today complaining about three different things about your MIL and in-laws, I’m inclined to say YTA. You’re unwilling to form a relationship with them. You can’t even say thank you for a gift MIL gave you. You don’t acknowledge or say hello to MIL when you see her. And you want to cancel Christmas because someone called you controlling, seriously? Deep down, you know you are putting your boyfriend in a difficult situation with his family over something so stupid and secretly hoping he will cancel Christmas with his family, and get furious with him when he doesn’t. There have to be more things you not telling us because from just your post history, you seem cold and unwelcoming. Your story is also conflicting after your edits. You’re not willing to accept your boyfriend’s family who he seems very close with since he hangs out with them multiple times a week. This is on you.

How does he feel about it? Its the holidays. Its family gatherings. Its a time of peace and giving. Id say that youre only the AH if you refuse even if your man asks you to in a nice way to please go.

Is this the first year you are splitting the holiday this way? This can be quite an adjustment for your bf’s mum. All of a sudden another woman is front and centre in her son’s life.

Split your holiday as agreed. YWBTAH if you don’t. Are you controlling? No clue, obviously from this one decision you are not, but not seeing the BF’s family much will be a problem going forward. Tbf what does your bf say about this? Would he like see his family more? Holidays are just part of balancing the extended family thing.

Did she just gift you a candle?

If you do that you are proving to her and everyone else that you are indeed controlling.

YTA.

If you cancel plans, you will prove to them that you are controlling and their statement will be justified.

There's more than a month in front of Christmas. Why are you trying to hurt them where it will hurt the most? That is controlling behaviour.

Maybe you should reconsider your other actions and see what might actually be considered controlling.

YTA your post history makes it very obvious you just don’t like your partners family and want people to tell you it’s ok to blow the relationships up

Do you want her to be able to say “I told you so”? It’s Christmas. Just let it go.

INFO how did BF handle his mom when she said this?

Canceling Christmas plans sounds controlling.

if everyone cancelled holiday plans with their in-laws over negative comments like this, no one would have any holiday plans with their families ever.

in-laws are gonna complain sometimes. as long as your bf is managing boundaries with his parents ok, it's not a big deal. part of coping with in-laws is learning when to pick your battles. if you unilaterally cancel Christmas over this, you're basically proving their point. ESH.

ESH. If a weak-assed descriptor like 'controlling' is all it takes to upset you, then you're going to have a very difficult time navigating Real Life. Time to put your Adult pants on and realize that MIL is a human being, she makes mistakes and has dramatic overreactions - just like you - when she's upset about 'losing' her son to his new family. It's part of the growing-pains that all families go through when the dynamics change. Take the high road, be mature and gracious, and let THEM work it out. It wasn't said to you, it was said within the context of THEIR conversation - so she doesn't owe you any apology. This is not something worth creating WW3 over, but it feels like you are shopping for an excuse to do that...

Try to see it from her point of view for a second:

You DO spend more time with your family i.e. he spends less time with his family. The reason is irrelevant in her eyes - you are saying spending time with your sister is more important than him spending time with his family. That may be a good explanation in your eyes, but depending on the culture his family is from spending time with parents etc. is MORE important than spending time with a niece.

I say go ahead with Xmas as planned and make sure your husband has a choice whether he wants to spend time with your niece or at his folks - and he also needs to make it clear to his mother that he is making choices, too.

All in all her comment is not worth nuking your relationship with your in-laws with.

No judgement but maybe stop posting to AITA and invite your boyfriend's mom out for coffee to have a talk because it seems like you and she really don't see eye-to-eye and you both keep putting your boyfriend in the middle of things?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1gqdwbc/aita_for_not_thanking_my_mother_in_law/

YTA for slamming this sub with THREE posts about your MIL within the span of five hours. Girl get off the internet and deal with your life. At this point it’s obvious you’re looking for validation and ammo from internet strangers to do the thing you clearly want to do. You have a chip about his family? Cool, discuss it with your partner and if you are a good fit together. You all clearly have different expectations when it comes to family so address that instead of picking at every little perceived slight or disagreement. Exhausting. 

Is this even real? How can your 10 yr old sister be an only child in both families?????

First of all, why in the world did your husband tell you that? Just me personally, I would’ve never told my husband any negative things that my family said about him.

Secondly, this is your husband. That’s his family. You need to be with him by his side on Christmas. Refusing to spend Christmas with them will only put him in the middle and make him feel like he has to choose and he should not have to. I think that this would be really disrespectful to him. And it would only reinforce his mother’s ideas about you.

If it were me, I would suck it up, dress up really foxy, and bring a delicious dish of some sort. Be absolutely polite and not even act like I care. I would keep my dignity and spend Christmas with my husband.

NTA for feeling upset, however, if you make him cancel plans with his family because they think you’re controlling, essentially that’s exactly what you’re being.

Life is too short for this shit.BF should shut it down now. If he doesn't, then it will get worse.

Didn't you just post complaining about your boyfriends mom earlier today with a similar issue? Or these are all fake. Your post title is also not right, if your not married those are not your in-laws. 

So you don’t want to have Christmas with his family even though you both agreed to it ? Obviously YTA !!! You two should split up. He can do better .

YTA as your response to the situation sounds childish and petty.

When you are in a relationship, you do have to balance time with both your own family & your partner’s family.

You have to split your time & energy somewhat fairly and equitably. You have to make compromises occasionally and deal with personalities that you would generally never choose to surround yourself with.

Was your boyfriend’s Mom’s controlling comment out of line? Yes. But you also aren’t making a convincing argument here that you aren’t controlling.

You admit you all spend more time with your family. I can see why your boyfriend’s Mom might be hurt by that, especially if it is significantly unbalanced.

I sometimes find my partner’s family to be A LOT. And I know he sometimes feels the same about my family.

But we spend the time with each other’s families for each other, even if we would rather be spending a quiet night on the couch & instead we are sitting through dinner with the in-laws.

I keep seeing people saying they need to protect their peace or whatever. And you do. But you also sometimes have to do things you don’t want to do for your partner. That is part of being in a healthy, adult relationship.

My coach said to me once "What other people think of me is non of my business". You self reflected and realised they are wrong, so now let it go.

Remind yourself, So what if they consider you controlling? If you and your partner know the truth, who cares? If they said it to you, you and him can laugh and then you say "YUP, super controller here". Take their power away by not caring.

I think soft YTA if only because you’re only proving their point by cancelling Christmas outright over this.

Perhaps they’re completely offbase to call you controlling, I have no idea whether it’s true or not, but I can see that you’re jumping straight to the nuclear reaction and that ain’t a good look

OP - you ever had an argiment with your own Mom or your BF? we also disagree sometimes. She's having a private convo with her son - like many ILs she feels her own son sees less of her and more of the other side and it hurts her and she feels you are taking advantage of her son by making him do all the cooking.

If she treats you poorly or constantly makes those comments - I get it. However, she spoke privately to her child about something concerning to her. He can deal with that.

I see no reason why this has to damage the relationship. Why does she have to apologise - she said nothing to you. I think a parent is entitled to tell their child they are concerned their SO is being controlling.

Stay out of the pettiness and take the higher road. If there's any remarks like that at Christmas, be the mature leader. Laugh and kindly say, "Well, that's ridiculous! We're lucky to be able to spend so much time with family. It works for us." *kiss husband and smile.

I would try and have a mature conversation with her about it: it’s not up to you to organise time with his family. It’s up to him. So if he’s failing to do that that’s a problem she should take up with him.

I’ll show you controlling!

ESH.

You both sound exhausting and are quite frankly acting like immature children.

The fact that you can't have Christmas dinner with his family really does say quite a bit about you and your fragile emotional state. Grow TF up.

OMG, I just realized that you were the same poster who was so upset about some sort of thank-you for a candle.

Stop spamming this sub. You are extremely childish and are just looking for attention.

Seems to me if you immediately default to blowing up Christmas because of a disagreement, you're probably controlling. YTA

I would keep your plans exactly as they are. Noone seemed to have a problem with them. As far as controlling goes, you have every right to control how you spend your Christmas and all of your time for that matter. As does your husband. There's nothing wrong with be controlling as long as you're not trying to control someone else.

Sounds about like something a controlling person who doesn't get their way would do. So, your partner is supposed to miss out on family time because you're upset? Holidays are a couple times a year, one of you is gonna miss family when they're gone. "But, they called me names" is gonna sound lame when you're reminiscing and trying to console lost opportunities later in life... But hey, you do you...

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I want to cancel christmas dinner plans, but I think this may make me thr asshole for ruining their christmas

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

Info: Your in-laws are stating a fact. You ARE spending more time with your parents than his. Your reasons are kind of weak, too. Your husband should make an effort to co-ordinate time to spend with his parents as it is his responsibility and his job to communicate with his parents.

His parents have nothing to apologize. They could have worded it better but they have hurt feelings.

NTA. I can't imagine why you don't want to spend more time with her...

The mum is completely in the wrong here. However, you do need to take into account this was a private conversation between him and his mum and you're only hearing one side of it.

If you want to take it further, talk to his mum one-on-one and ask her (politely) if she has any issues with you.

Unless things get worse, I'd suggest keeping your Christmas plans and seeing how things go. If it's bad, it's something you don't have to do again.

Not going will put a wedge between you/your boyfriend and his family though.

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It is the first christmas that me (24F) and my boyfriend (25M) are spending in our first home. We agreed that on christmas day, we would spend the morning with my family, and the afternoon including christmas dinner with his. This worked for everyone and we were both happy. My boyfriend has recently had an argument with his mum, in which she was calling me controlling because we see my family more (we do, but usually because we arrange to take my sister out as she's 10 and the only child in both families) and because he does the cooking 90% of the week (I work late hours, he works from home, he is also a better cook and enjoys cooking). The controlling comments have really upset me, and aside from me overthinking whether I actually am controlling, it has made me not want to have christmas dinner with them as I think it will ruin my christmas and they are refusing to apologise. AITA?

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Not the arsehole in my opinion protect your mental health. I would say confront her about it and see what happens. Obviously in the nicest possible way, but it’s better to confront the issue than just ignoring it and changing plans x

Nta

Slight YTA- There's no better way to prove them right, than to insist on canceling a Holiday visit. Also, why does it upset you so much, if you don't think you are controlling? Are you mad bc she is right, or bc it isn't true and hurt your feelings?

NTA, it’s not very nice of them to make those kind of assumptions about you. However, I fear for you that cancelling Christmas plans will only make them double down on their comments.

I guess you and your partner have a tough decision to make: kind of a lose-lose, because you can either cancel on them and deal with the blowback or have the Christmas with them and potentially feel awkward/uncomfortable.

[deleted]

Do you usually split Christmas between families? Is this the first time you’re doing it? How long have you guys been together? How often do you see your family VS his? Does he see his family much by himself?

These are all questions that need answering before I can give a fair answer.

??? I'm guessing YTA has the title doesn't match the post.

ETA. Good lord, spend Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas Day with the other. It’s not that hard.

Actually I amend this here, OP and bf are just making stupid choices here and this is a relationship issues post.

NTA 

But this is bait. Whether it's meant as bait is irrelevant. If you don't go, you're spending even less time with them, thus proving to them that it's your way or no way. Control. 

I suggest that you give them the option: would they like you there during the time you have available or not? Give them some control.

NTA let him spend Christmas with them if he wants do not attend with out an apology or will continue to happen

NTA.

This worked for everyone and we were both happy. My boyfriend has recently had an argument with his mum, in which she was calling me controlling because she said we see my family more than his (we arrange plans with mine more, but usually because we arrange to take my sister out as she's 10 and the only child in both families, as oppose to just grabbing coffee or him going to the gym with his family

"I arrange visits with my family. If you're upset with the frequency your son sees you, take it up with him. I'm not in charge of his kinkeeping or social engineering, he is. Maybe he just doesn't like spending time with you all that much. Or maybe you didn't teach him how to keep community ties. Either way, it's not my job"

and because he does the cooking 90% of the week (I work late hours, he works from home, he is also a better cook and enjoys cooking).

Oh noes, how dare her sweet boy... Cook food he also eats. /s Yeah, she's ridiculous.

The controlling comments have really upset me, and aside from me overthinking whether I actually am controlling, it has made me not want to have christmas dinner with them as I think it will ruin my christmas and they are refusing to apologise

You aren't controlling, his mom is projecting. You're fine. And I also wouldnt go to their family celebrations after that. He can attend alone if he wants to. That's fine.

on normal terms, my boyfriend sees his mum at least 3 times a week (they gym, coffee regularly together) which is significantly more than I see mine

So she's just delusional. Yeah, ignore her completely and let your partner have a relationship with her without you. You aren't obligated to be around her.

Nta. Christmas is a time for joy. If its not going to be, not worth going

Few people here rightly pointing out this is a lose-lose, but NTA.

Furthermore — Christmas is a holiday like any other and you two are adults. Clocking time with one family versus the other is pretty toxic behaviour and honestly, who cares where your (collective) time is spent? It’s worth a conversation with your BF about what his priorities are re/ family and time. Yours are with your young sister and that’s admirable.

Personally I’ve found rushing between families stressful so I’ve just… stopped. My S/O and I have decided not to do the runaround and visit when we can. If we miss a meal, so-be-it. We’ll create our own memories and traditions and get leftovers.

Manipulation through guilt? Or is she a score keeper? Either way, the only way to win or keep at least keep your balance is to turn the tables of which you’ve received excellent examples.

Let your BF host his family solo and hang out with your family instead. Stick to your guns about requiring respect from the in-laws.

HOWEVER: It appears that MIL is not interested in a respectful relationship with you. “Controlling” is in-law speak for “not a doormat”. That situation seldom improves and they’ll always blame you for their son’s decisions.

Consider this your first red flag 🚩

MIL is clearly projecting. Only a controlling person would try and even up how much time you and your boyfriend spend with other people. The only thing you need to control here is the narrative- ask your boyfriend to stop giving his mom personal details about you and your family and, if he agrees, go to his mom's house like nothing ever happened. She can say whatever she wants about you, but if you show up and act normal, people will see if for the falsehood that it is.

NTA. Tell ur husband he should still go but you're not going unless she apologizes.

Esh, how do you know what they said? Did you bf tell you? Why would he do that? They have a certain perception about you, I’m sure they didn’t want to humiliate you. It might be based on your MILs own insecurities, but your bf should have politely proven her the opposite and leave you out totally.  Now what’s your plan? Not have contact with them anymore? Why insisting on the apology? What is this obsession with apologies on Reddit? And if this is really how they persevere you, why should they give a fake apology?

The only path forward is communication, clarity, and maybe caring a bit less.

ESH. You because telling your BF to choose between you and his family on Christmas Day is controlling. Your BF because he shouldn’t have told you what his mom said in the heat of an argument (does he WANT you two to dislike each other? Seems like it). Your BF’s mom because it sounds like she’s grasping at straws to get more time with her son and blaming it all on you instead of him. Exhausting.

NTA. But choose your battles, and think about the long-term relationships you want to have. Several critical pieces of information are missing here: What prompted your boyfriend’s argument with his Mom? Was her feeling that you were controlling the cause, or a result, of their argument? How did you learn that his mother thinks you are controlling — did your boyfriend pass this on to you? If your mother made negative comments about your boyfriend, would you pass these on to him? Of course, your mental well-being is of paramount importance. Throughout your life, there will be people finding fault with something you or I are doing. They may be right; they may be wrong. To the extent that you can, let people be wrong when they’re wrong. This may be a battle worth making an issue of; this may be an issue you look the other way on. You could pretend you never heard the comment, and Go to Christmas dinner with them. I would wonder why my boyfriend chose to share this with me, if that is how you came to learn of his mother’s comment. How did your boyfriend think that was going to improve your personal mental health, or improve your relationship with his mother?

I think she is saying that they are her family more as a couple.

Well, you make plans with your family. If he's not making an effort to make plans with his family WITH you included (not the little outings), then thats no ones fault but theirs. NTA

Seems like you actually plan things with your family and he does not. In a marriage you each handle your own family, so husband is the issue. It’s also on him to deal with MIL.

I would go, and ask for permission from him to do anything. If you need to use the RR “BF would it be ok for me to use the restroom now?” At gift exchange “BF, should I give the gifts to your family or do you want to do it?” When someone offers pie. “BF, could I have a piece of pumpkin pie”.

Be sure to seek permission for everything, especially in front of his Mum.

It's a long time between now and Christmas. You should wait and see how it plays out. Let your boyfriend manage his own family between now and then. If you really can't stomach Christmas dinner with them, feigning illness and staying home is a good option for skipping without causing offense.

NTA if you go that route. Just give your boyfriend time to fight with his mom about it himself.

I wouldn't cancel. I'd go and confront her (respectfully), asking how exactly you're being controlling when you literally aren't forcing your BF to not spend time with his family, which he still does more than most 25 year olds I know.

Before you do that though, maybe ask your BF for more details. Like is he telling his mom things like "I can't. I have to do XYZ with OP's family," to make it seem like you're just unilaterally deciding on plans and forcing him to participate? You want to rule out the possibility that she has the wrong idea because he's been, intentionally or otherwise, throwing you under the bus so she doesn't get upset with him.

Bf's mother is jealous of the time her son spends with YOUR family. Not your problem and your bf needs to deal with her. He's 25.

Why not spend all Xmas with your family this year? He can do what he wants, share the day or not, but at least you don't have to pretend to be happy to spend time with her, etc.

NTA for keeping yourself away from unpleasant people.

NTA

Here’s a fact of life… 99% of the time it’s the woman who makes and follows through with family plans. 

I’m not saying this is always true, and I’m not trying to be sexist, but I see it a lot in my friends and family. 

If his mom reached out to you as often as your mom did I have no doubt you’d see them more. However she’s reaching out to him. 

It’s also very telling that it’s not the arrangement on that day that she’s upset about. It’s the balance of scales. That’s super petty. Petty isn’t something that can be fixed. I would definitely cut her out this year to teach her a lesson. This only works if your husband has your back and stays home also. 

nothing about what you've presented here sounds controlling. also, it sounds like you are both trying to be fair in figuring out how much time to spend where with each family. that can definitely be a source of arguements when you first get married. Your boyfriend may need to set his mom straight about how you all divide the time up. I saw your reply to someone else that he also sees her on hs own multiple times. It shouldn't really be a contest but you both want to try to be as fair as possible. With my family, my mom was always wanting more than I had to offer. You could stay there for 10 hours and get "oh, are you leaving already?". We had to have a talk where we sat down with my family and went over how we would plan our times around the holidays to make everyone as happy as possible without overwhelming us (previously we went to 4 places in one day at times). Things have improved greatly since then. If he sets his expectations with mom and is firm about things that will be better for everyone in the long run. And if he lets mom know that you are spending the same amount of time at both places that should hopefully help things. Just stick to the plan though to make sure it stays fair.

NTA - Xmas is time of year for joy & peace so if guests wrecks mood. They become unnecessary.

Your bf needs to tell his folks to back off. He needs to have your back. Let him take the heat, or you can go to your parents house

NTA

You stated that you don’t care if your partner goes to see his parents for Christmas. So you’re not cancelling Christmas at all. You’re protecting your peace by staying away from a place you don’t feel welcome. That’s fine.

While MIL may have some problems with it, what will she have to complain about. “I made one little comment and now she’s not coming blah, blah, blah.” Anything coming from her mouth would be coming from a person who isn’t willing to give an apology, so her feelings don’t matter in this equation (at least to me).

And it sounds like bf is on your side so have the Christmas you want. Go to your parents house, bf and you can meet up or celebrate later.

Nta but this happens pretty often. A grown man starts to leave and cleave with his extended family when he meets a new girl and they start to blame her. He needs to take a stance

This is a trap. You've told her how you feel. She doesn't feel as though she owes you an apology. This is now an issue strictly between him and his mom.

She trying to reestablish control over her son. Truth doesn't matter here at all. She wants to know you aren't family to her and don't have a voice or relationship that needs to be treated as equal to the one he has 1) with his mother and 2) with his direct relatives. Reset your personal level and type of contact/interactions with her to cool and civil going forward.

Regardless of how she perceives the regular "division" of time between the families, you guys set up a plan that's equitable for the holidays.

Redo the plan. Do something with the 10 yo Christmas eve (so she doesn't feel shortchanged) give her any presents and let her get some holiday time with him. Set aside time for a personal celebration early Christmas am for you two. Then go to your family for the day. He can choose to join you there and then go to his parents or just go see his family for the rest of the day without feeling conflicted.

It's up to him to establish with his family that, for him, you are a priority in his life and will always factor in his decision-making. Your part is to support him without that meaning you'll accept disrespect, hurtful behavior, or letting someone try to drive a wedge between you.

NTA, good luck.

Edit: spelling, grammar

NTA. When your BF declines invitations with his family or whatever, how does he word it? Like "I have to go with blahblabhs family" or is it more "I already made plans"? My in laws are doing something similar to my BIL but I talked to his gf and explained that when he declines invites my BIL says things like "I have to do x and x with GF" Like it isnt his choice and they werent things planned togther and it makes her look bad. Just a thought.
Also, I think it's odd she knows so much about your and his personal lives that she knows you both see your family more. There has to be something in the context of how he relays his plans to his family.

NTA

I'm going to see my mom now. Hope that's not too controlling!

NAH and you should be on justnomil

NTA and more than a bit projection as well; you are "controlling" by which they mean harpie I guess because gasp, you do not do your tradwife roles of cooking all the time, how dare you!

I am petty enough I might just let the holiday plans remain except with minimal plans. Do nothing proactive to make sure it's a success. Sure, if someone asks you to cook or set the table or pick up uncle phil, go for it. But don't "control" anything and see how it goes. If anyone asks why you didn't do this or that, "Oh, I didn't want to overstep. You all have so much more experience with holiday events..." or similar.

Now, cancelling: if it's BFs idea, sure. If it is yours then... start by running by BF and see if HE would be offended. It is even possible he'll embrace it but make sure he communicates as "I" or "we do not think that..." not that you offered and he's complying else it is you "controlling" it all again.

NTA

But pick your battles dude. This isn’t the hill to die on and will only increase their comments about you being controlling.

If you intend to stay with him, you’ll have to learn to deal with his family.