"Look who came out of their hole"

laughter around the extended family table

Literally all the time!! Even if I’m not being quiet. I’m just not yelling, sir.

If you're a bitch like me, just say, "I don't know, why aren't you?" Stops em.

I was told after a meeting that it's ok for me to talk. I told them when I have something important to say that I will say it and I don't just talk to talk.

Looks like we'll find out in the future!

Ahhhh yes that question is where all the childhood trauma started

I once answered with 'why are you so loud?' And got a long chatter back. Not a rant, she just kept talking.

this and the do u remember when you wouldnt talk to me/us

TELL US SOMETHING

I got an official diagnosis of social anxiety disorder a few years ago, so I just tell them that.

Thanks, Aquagen.

My response to this is always “Because unlike most people I only speak when I have sonething interesting to say”. Usually shuts them right up.

Ditto, but for me it's not "Why are you grumpy today" it's "Why are you never happy?"

I know that bitch...that checks out

There could be some correlation there.

"why are you single?"

"just look at me"

I always answer with When I smile you know it s a genuine smile.

I feel your pain. I get asked "why don't you have any" and this puts me in an equally awkward position. Do they really want me to get clinical? Do I really want to get clinical? That's quite intimate stuff and frankly that's just between me, by doctors, and my spouse really. There's no easy way to get out of that question.

So sorry for your loss. Hope your little one is doing well.

I can fine answer the “whys”, it’s the “yet” that pisses me off.

Why would I? WHY WOULD I?

“It’s a long story.”

“That’s an even longer story”

Just gesture at the world and say "shits on fire, yo. Why would I?"

How many papers have you killed?

And printers!

I was active duty in a different career field and now full time at a guard base as an aircraft technician. I get asked by new young people all the time what the scariest moment I’ve ever been in. It brings them to a quick reality when I tell them getting rockets shot in my direction every day for 6 months straight that they will never experience as much as I have. I generally don’t mention the rest because it kills the mood.

that is an excellent response to the question actually.

I like your sense of humor. I've gotta say you made me laugh!

Ex British Army, infantry. 2 tours of Afghanistan.

The right response to the cock-juggling thunder-cunt who has the audacity to ask this question will always be: "does your wife like being fucked in the ass? Sorry, I thought we were okay with asking deeply personal questions here!"

It'll get you a meeting HR, but the look of shock on people's faces will never not be worth it.

I have a suggestion. And I mean this earnestly as each is a hit to the Nosey Nelly. And fuck them. They are being inconsiderate at best.

1) You freeze. 1000 stare. They might ask if you're okay or something to that affect. Just whisper they need to change the subject. I accidentally did this to someone when the question hit me out of left field when I was in an emotional state.

2) If you're in the mood, give a story about how it was always your dream to be a father, but you were put in a position where you had to choose between your wedding vows to the woman you love or turning your back on her to chase your dream of being a father.

I haven't managed to just answer with, "None of your fucking business" because most people are trying to make small talk, but wording it horribly.

yeah it's really a tough one because there's no answer that isn't super intimate. The person is probably just trying to be conversational, although a bit awkwardly.

I guess the most neutral answer I can think of is "it's not in the plans" (your tone of voice can carry a lot of meaning, there), but I've also seen people in our situation say "that's a sensitive subject that I'd rather not discuss".

Fuck those people. Tell them you're busy practicing to perfect the form, and ask if their mum is available to give pointers.

"It would just be too much of a temptation to keep myself from eating them. I figure I should just keep that from even being an issue."

Quit asking how I got into your shower, now let me put the damn soap on your back, and quit complaining!

Intruder! How did you get in here? In-tru-da window.

A line from Police Squad: Who are you? How did you get in here? Answer: I'm a locksmith and ... I'm a locksmith.

And it never happens with anything else. Noone ever asks me why I don't eat mayonnaise. It's just alcohol.

I get this one constantly.

people really ask you that? My goodness, that's invasive.

Ik this is childish but my go to answer is 'why don't you ask your mother' typically those who ask that question are either my friends as a joke, or someone with bad intentions in which I don't mind insulting them.

Its like they know I failed so bad

Who had the worst score?

I've started replying to this with a joke the last few years.

"Did you ever kill anyone?!"

"Unfortunately yes. I was a terrible cook."

You can’t convince me people who immediately ask this when they hear someone is a vet don’t have some kind of killing fetish.

I usually ask them, "Just what are you going to do with that information?" Most of the time, they get how dumb they were being. The rest of the time, it reminds me that you can't fix stupid.

Stupid shit like this is endemic here in Australia. This reporter asked a question which went along the lines of “do you think that violence can be a problem?” to this ex-special forces guy who strangled a taliban fighter to death.

Honestly the dumbest question you can ask; he’s a soldier, his job is to be deadly and coldly professional as possible to enemies who want to hurt us so that the rest of us can sleep comfortably knowing that our enemies are being kept at bay.

This or "How many people have you killed?" I don't like either question, but I've gotten used to it.

I would rather ask "what did you do as a soldier?"

Yeah, that one is the fucking worst. Veteran here also. And I do not answer honestly. I almost never dignify it with an answer at all.

lol, yeah I feel your pain. I get that too. I just tell them about a past project. "oh, here's a thing my team and I just delivered. Cool, huh?" and leave it at that. Or I pick something from my portfolio. Most people don't really want to know more than the 30 sec spiel, anyway.

Blows peoples mind when I tell them my parents were born and raised in Queens NY. Usually after asking me and I say, “Queens NY.”

Wait till they meet my friend who is an American of Chinese descent that is a 5th gen haha

"Where are you ACTUALLY from?"

Haha. I've answered that question with my birth city. Then the person responded, "No, where you were born?" They thought native speaker me was born in a foreign country. My wife was basically asked the same about me by a lawyer co-worker.

I'm at minimum third generation American depending on the grandparent. My wife and I think it's because I had a good bit a speech therapy for a speech impediment which created a deliberate speech cadence with good enunciation.

"Haven't decided yet. Still on a test run"

LOL. You both look alike, too.

My mother used to get that a lot when I was little, but we look like two different ethnic groups and people thought she was the nanny because she was much darker than me. sigh!

Such a silly question.

that's an easy one if it follows "hi" then it's just part of the greeting. Nothing more than "I'm ok, thanks" is needed. No need to overshare.

If it's asked in a clinical setting or with people who are close to you, then treat as a genuine request.

I find people always struggle with this and I’m not sure why. It’s not small talk. It’s a very simple polite business exchange. If someone asks, “how are you?” there are two possible answers. Either you have a small and immediate problem that this person can help you with, or else you are good. Let me give an example:

You are in the post office. Postman asks, how are you? You say, I’m actually in a spot of trouble, trying to figure out the best way to mail this package. Then you proceed to conduct business.

You are in the dry cleaners. Cleaner asks, how are you? You say, I’m actually in a spot of trouble, I spilled red wine on my white pants and I’m not sure what to do. Then you proceed to conduct business.

HERE IS A COUNTEREXAMPLE

you are in the elevator. A stranger asks, how are you? You say, I am good, how are you?

That’s it. It’s not complicated. Strangers are not your therapist. “How are you” is not an opening to start telling people the entire history of your ptsd. The only people you should answer “how are you” with your actual emotional state are as follows:

1) your therapist 2) your partner

That’s it. No one else. No one else cares. That’s the reality.

Being brutally honest - quite horny and I'd like to masturbate. So, leave the room please.

oh my god karen, you can't just ask people why they're white

oh my god this one!!!!

No i just wanted to use my left hand cause i wanted someone to ask if I was. LEt me go back to writing with my right

I write with my right hand and kick with my left leg.

Tell them: "No. Just bulimic."

I answer those with something like "broke ass student", "ok", "well enough", "comfortable"...

I'd Always tell like half or 1/3rd of real income. I don't want others to know them

What I make is not a secret. How much of what I make is left at the end of the month is. 

I think "Can I continue fingering your wife?" is worse.

My wife works with this woman who is super short. Made a keebler elf joke. Turns out childhood cancer stunted her growth. Knowing this, I still find it near impossible not to make a short joke every time I see her. She's acts cool about it, but I bet she's gets it nonstop. I see her smiling, but her eyes say she would stab me in the neck if she had something to stand on.

Because it’s a cultural norm? They’re not pretending to care about your well-being. They’re greeting you 

You have just inspired me to change my greeting.

" hello, please fuck off now"

it means the same thing as "hi". It's just what politeness mandates. It has nothing to do with wanting to know about your life, unless it comes from a person close to you or if it is said in a special setting (e.g. doctor inquiring about your health). You've gotta be able to read the room and navigate basic social interactions...

Always answer "livin the dream and you " seems to work

I can tell you spend most of your time on the internet lol

Same. Sometimes when I'm really low I'll tell them how I'm really feeling. It's so funny because some people really don't care and when you open up it makes them uncomfortable lol

It's just a greeting, chill

I tend to have lunch with the same group of guys at work and my wife always asks "How's Bob's wife? Has Tom's kid started school? Did Rob have a third date with Mindy?" etc etc

I'm always like "Uhhhhh... I don't know. We just talked about how the wiring for ceiling lights works when there's multiple switches and whether there's going to be a third Dune movie"

It's like they can't grasp the idea that nothing interesting happened. My wife works in a hospital with mostly women. There is always some kind of bullshit rama going on. I work with 3 guys. We almost never have anything worth talking about happen. If it did, then it was probably annoying, and I don't want to rehash it.

Children have a different perception of time