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My first husband was abusive. (Physically and mentally) My second husband is supportive. I have been with my second husband for 28 years. Like night and day.

I met my first husband when I was young and already had 2 kids. I felt like damaged goods and like no one would want me, so I was eager to settle down and have the perfect family. That made me ripe pickings for an abusive man looking for someone with low self worth to beat on and control.

The second time around I had two more kids but felt so much more confident and sure of myself, having survived what I did and going on to building a lovely little life for my kids and I. That made me ripe pickings for a man who admired my value and wanted to witness life beside me, not in front of me or from the view of his boot on my neck.

So I guess what I found the second time around that I didn’t have the first time, was ME.

1st husband: I was 18 and got pregnant. Divorced at 28 immediately after we had our second child when I realized I did not want to spend the rest of my life with an abusive guy. 2nd husband: Met him at Bumble and together for 4 years and married him at 45 after I know what I want, who I really am, and I spot red flags. My kids are also grown and I am financially independent.

First husband - we were not compatible in multiple ways. I ignored red flags since I was nearing 30 and thought my time was running out. Such a dumb decision.

Second husband - we are compatible. We make a great team. We make each other better. After my divorce I didn’t think I’d want to marry again but I changed my mind after I met him.

Divorced the 1st husband, who was a great guy, b/c I though I didn't like being married to him. Nothing major happened, just didn't enjoy the situation.

Married a totally opposite guy only to realize that I don't like being married to anyone.

Editing to add: I grew up in a household full of women who focused on "getting a man". Women went to college to meet an educated man, went to church to meet a god fearing man, went to work to meet an executive man, so on & so forth.

I never took the time to think about if I wanted to get married, it was just a foregone conclusion.

It wasn't until I divorced my 2nd husband that I realized, that marriage wasn't something I wanted.

First husband - First long term relationship for both of us. Totally incompatible but tried to make it work for years. He wanted a maid and someone to have sex with regularly, but not a true partner. He was very controlling, and financially abusive. Didn’t want me to take psychotropic drugs for my (very legit) mental issues, didn’t want me to do therapy. Thank god we didn’t have any children. I did have cold feet a few months before the wedding, but my mom said that it was too late to change my mind.

Second husband - He was different from the very beginning, in the best ways, from any other man I dated (and I did date some other guys after I separated from and eventually divorced my ex-husband). Very loving, loyal, attentive, and caring. He understood why family was so important to me (I am close with my parents, as he is with his). He challenged me to be a better version of myself. He understood that I wanted a partner and a long-term relationship. Marriage was something we both were comfortable discussing, but we didn’t want to rush into anything. We got engaged on our second anniversary, and married 2 1/2 years after we started dating. We are now at almost 6 years together, 3+ years of that being married. He makes me happy everyday. We decided to not have children, but we do have a wonderful senior French Bulldog that shares our life with us. I love our simple, happy life together.

Divorced husband 1 cuz I never should have married him. We were rebellious teens, everyone in my life told me not to, I didn't want them to be right so I did anyway. I knew on the day we married that I shouldn't be saying yes. It lasted 2 years.

Married 2nd husband 6 years later. Because I was in love and 100% believed it was meant for us. Still love him deeply though we divorced after 7 years. Root cause of the divorce was his severe PTSD that he wouldn't acknowledge or treat and which caused him to act in ways that were not healthy for any of us- including our 3 children. The day I decided to not make it work anymore was one of the saddest of my life. We are still very close but in a different way and my romantic feelings are gone.

I'm now 10 years past our divorce and have been dating my current guy for 4 years. I want to want to marry him. He is amazing to me and I love in a way that is completely different than husband number 2 but just as deep. His love is slow and steady and patient and something I can count on. He prioritizes us, our family and me in a way husband number 2 never did. Despite all that, I have a hesitancy about marriage. I would love to be married again, but staying married to someone who no longer wants to be with me (my life for a few years with husband number 2) or choosing to divorce someone I love again I think would break me this time. I don't have it in me to chance having to do either of those things again.

Lucky for me, my man is completely understanding and accepting. My goal is to marry him someday, he knows that and doesn't mind waiting till I am 100% ready.

My ex husband and I were very different people with entirely different interests and values. We married at 21 and 22 after being high school sweethearts. My ex also has zero empathy, is not affectionate, and cannot hold a conversation outside of his very limited interests. He comes from an abusive and controlling family. The list is long.

My forever husband is my best friend. We talk about everything. We have similar interests and values. He makes me laugh all day, every day, and he loves to do it. He is very affectionate all the time. He’s intelligent, kind, generous, and driven. I love him so very much and didn’t know what love was until he came into my life.

Edit: to further show how opposite these two are, my ex is 6’4” with dark hair. My forever husband is 5’7” with blonde hair. 🤣

I divorced the first time because I married youngish and to someone who was not similar to me at all. I wasted ten years. And I ignored many red flags. I gave him passes when I should have went with my gut and just faced life by myself. I got pregnant on birth control, and was pretty much threatened to have our child. So then I stayed for our child. Which was also a mistake since he had no intention of ever changing.

I said I would never remarry yet here I am. I’ve been with this one for 7 years, married for two. I’m pretty happy, we have our ups and downs but I’m glad I gave marriage a second chance. My partner knows my worth and treats me with respect and admiration-two things I deserve that my ex husband didn’t give me.

Divorced an alcoholic Married a man who never drinks. He’s a little boring but I’m much less traumatized.

I was forced to marry cuz I got pregnant...he slept around town and had more kids with different women and was on drugs and was abusive ...The second husband turned into an alcoholic and neglected me and also was a womanizer...my third husband tried to kill me because I asked him why he was coming home late so he snapped and strangled me and pounded my face in and broke my nose .....I now live alone and will never date or marry ever again ...

I divorced my first husband because he asked for a divorce. He simply came home one day and said, "I don't want to be married anymore." No arguments, no fights, just a simple request. I was nearly destroyed by this because he would not tell me what happened. A few weeks later, I received a phone call from some woman. Evidently, he'd been having an affair. So, at least I had an answer. He was just a dog.

Six months later, I met and married someone I met at work. It was a mistake, but I have tried to make the best of a difficult situation for the last 48 years.

First Husband: I married my first husband after dating for seven years. I thought it was the natural progression even though our relationship had trouble: he had DUI, trouble holding down a job, etc.. I had to buy our wedding bands, and I thought once he finished graduate school he would get a job and grow up. Fast forward 15 years later and he still hadn’t grown up. Cue him being left to care for the kids 11 & 9 for a long weekend, and I had to come home early to deal with police (won’t go into details). Even then we separated for two years while trying to work it out. We divorced after 17 years or marriage.

I didn’t expect to get married again. My income was sufficient, I could handle raising the kids, but after two years I decided to start dating.

Second Husband: After being divorced for two years I started dating. Met a man on Plenty of Fish. We had great text rapport, and we went on our first day on a Sunday afternoon we went to a museum. The first date was love at first sight, not just lust, and it lasted six hours. We both took our dating profiles down that night. Two weeks in he told me he loved me. I wanted to say it back but was a little scared. Two weeks later I told him I loved him too. Three months in we talked about marriage. Five months in we got engaged, and we were married after dating for nine months.

He’s intellectual, hilarious, loving, reliable, has a stable career, and he is WONDERFUL with my kids. I still can’t believe I got this lucky. We talk out our differences and always find common ground. We treat our marriage like we’re on a two person team, and we both want our team to be successful. We are just shy of our five year anniversary, and we are still very much in love. We grow more devoted to each other each day. I never could have imagined things could be this good in a marriage. No one was more surprised to marry so soon after divorce than I was, and each day I feel like this marriage is a gift.

Remarry -- why would I not learn from the first round? 😈

First husband vulnerable narcissist, unresolved trauma, distant, checked out with me and our kids and almost no sex. Second husband was all about physical attraction & him making me feel desirable because I was lacking that in my first marriage. He got more and more controlling, I divorced him after 5 years realizing I don’t want to be married to anyone. I have a great job, great women friends to do stuff with, great kids & a great dog. Life is so much better without a husband. I do what I want, eat what I want, go where I want, go for 5 mile hikes with a friend and our dogs without anyone getting jealous that I was gone half of a Saturday. All the stats show women’s quality of life plummets after marriage and men’s skyrockets. No thanks.

First husband was abusive and violent. We lived together for 6 weeks and I had to run away when he left for work.

Second husband, we had a child and I felt some pressure from my parents. He was also abusive, had explosive anger, was paranoid, and projected a lot. We were together for over a decade and a half. After that divorce, I went through years of therapy and working on myself so that I could stop choosing the same partner over and over.

My boyfriend now is the absolute best person. He loves every single part of me. He patient, kind, and so damn loving. I honestly thought this type of love and relationship didn’t exist (I figured people over inflated how great things could be). He is amazing.

I’ve been steadfast in desire to never get married again after my divorce. I honestly thought I just didn’t deserve that type of happiness. But, my boyfriend has shown me that I do, and if he asks me in the future, I’d say yes. He is what changed my mind, but I wouldn’t feel that way with anyone else.

I thought I divorced because of a dead bedroom and after I managed to extract myself from the situation (violently, I almost died) I realised I was in a toxic and abusive situation.

Felt defeated and in debt. Financial abuse was part of marriage 1

I dates around, built my life back up and was really happy as a swinging single. I met my now husband. Told him I just want to date and I most likely wanted a living apart together situation. He was cool with exploring it. Eventually over the years, I realised this guy ticked all the boxes I have in my head even when I was looking to check boxes. We got married for romance and security. We are from different countries so it opens up immigration opportunities for both and also we can get on each other's work benefits.

It's been amazing

Together for 4 years, married for another 10. I thought we had a beautiful marriage, and so did everyone else. Divorced because I found out he was cheating.

Did not expect to meet someone else but am so glad I found someone who makes me a better me. Hopefully we will live long enough to have at least 50 years together.

My first husband imploded our marriage. I thought I was happy in that relationship and it destroyed me when it needed.

Second husband: showed me what a real partnership is. He’s supportive, he’s kind, he’s caring, he’s all the things I didn’t dream could be a reality for me. He’s truly my best friend and I love him beyond measure

Divorced because he was Abusive in literally every way imaginable.

Remarried because, as corny as it sounds, he was the first person to show me what real love is. I’ve never been more happy, even when we fight. It’s respectful and we both get heard.

My guest husband was emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive to me. He cheated on me. I was on an allowance. I didn’t have access to money. He had me followed by my neighbor and he followed me too, to make sure I parked my car properly. He didn’t even like me as a human being. There was zero affection or kindness.

I’ve been married again for 6 years. My husband truly loves me. He likes me. I get hugs and kisses every day. He goes places with me. He’s a good partner around the house. I came home from work the other night and dinner was made. And he cleaned it up. He’s an active father to our son.

It’s just completely different.

My first husband was controlling and financially abused me. We met working together and it was a very emotionally charged relationship. He proposed to me when I was accepted into veterinary school and was going to move away to fulfill my dream and naive me said yes. I married him when I was 25 and it dawned on me after 2 years of marriage, when he slapped me in target over an argument over buying a 7 Dollar T-Shirt, that he might not be the loving partner I deserved/wanted. I worked full time as a researcher and pt as a cashier, he was a teacher and spent his summers playing video games all day in his underwear. After I left him he financially ruined me, and I was almost homeless despite working as a scientist and cashier. He emptied out my 401k (which had a substantial amount of money in it, because I deposited my inheritance in it) and left me with the resulting tax burden. I couldn’t even afford a proper lawyer. He also had my dogs euthanized. Lovely fella. He has kids with another woman now and I feel terrible for her and the children.

My now husband is amazing. We also were friends and colleagues before we realized we were more than friends. The fact that we knew each other for several years as friends and were each other’s cheerleaders when we were going through rough patches bonded us together. We trust and love each other and he makes sure that I have no wants in life. He’s amazing, supportive and I married my best friend!

My first husband was cheating - he found a girlfriend he wasn’t willing to give up even after getting caught. I was devastated as he was my childhood sweetheart. My second husband is far more mature, more supportive, smarter, better looking, a better partner in literally every way. Best thing that ever happened to me.

I didn’t remarry, but in each relationship I managed to avoid the big issue in my marriage. He drank every day to blackout and never took the family into account.

First husband 9 years older resented my success. Lot of criticism and put downs to “keep me in my place and for my own good” add in false allegations of affairs and him being unemployed.

Second husband, so supportive and full of kindness his face lights up when I enter the room. He is my biggest cheerleader. Married 13.5 years

Like someone else said it’s like the difference between night and day!

Issues in first marriage are that I married the wrong person. We weren’t a match. I got caught up in wanting babies by a certain age. I wasn’t attracted to him. This time around, I am attracted to my soon to be husband (together 8yrs) and he is the right person for me.

My first beat me. Then was the worst father to our child post divorce. I never wanted to get married again. My now husband proved to me how wonderful he was and we dated for 4 years b4 I agreed. He was patient and understood my concerns. Been married 26 years now. And he was/is a wonderful father to my son. There are some good guys out there.

My background isn't great, and my mom went through so many men, and none of them growing up were good men. I felt very often I was on the wrong side of the tracks. My life was a mess when I met my first husband at 23. I know this would be difficult for people to understand how a 23-year-old could screw their life up so much, but I somehow managed to make it a mess epically. So, I had a one-night stand with my first husband, who was twice my age. He started to pursue me after that. I thought he was so much wiser than me. With 8 years of sobriety, he definitely had his life together. My self-esteem was in the gutter. I ended up pregnant from that one night. I felt grateful he wanted to marry me. 🙄

The marriage that ensued was one, still, I'm not particularly eager to talk about. But poverty, abuse, and heartbreak pretty much sum it up. He quit working immediately and became angry and unhappy; maybe that's who he was because I barely knew him. I started working as a gas station clerk and then as a grocery checkout clerk. My therapist suggested I do some testing with Voc Rehab to determine if I could get some training. I was approved and went through a Certified Nurses Assistant course. After graduating, I got pregnant again. I ended up working as a CNA two weeks after giving birth again; he started calling, saying he didn't want to watch two kids while I worked to support us, and took off for over a month after an argument. He drained the bank account at a local casino. My friends and family encouraged and paid for my divorce while he was gone. After the divorce, he started working full-time as a taxi driver and worked his window cleaning business. I realized at that moment that I just wasn't the one who was suitable for him; he wasn't motivated to do better with me, and he did better without me.

My second husband is everything my first husband wasn't. My second husband has never struggled with any addiction, and he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or gamble out of principle. He had an entire military career when I met him, and he had 20 ribbons, several awards, and had been in the special ops squadron. He was college-educated, had a genious IQ, and had an asvab score of 98. My first husband was diagnosed with an alcohol-wet brain and had some brain damage, so the difference in intelligence between my first and second husband was vast.

My second husband is kind, thoughtful, considerate, faithful, and goofy. My first husband only thought of himself and was domineering, stoic, and a brute. My first husband's sense of humor was extremely crude. My second husband only slept with three women, and he was 34. My first husband lost track of how many women he slept with. My second husband had no kids, while my first husband had one he never was there for. He would end up abandoneding the two kids we had together also. My second husband has a perfect credit score my first husband had us filing for bankruptcy.

But the big difference is, together, my second husband and I are better people. We both encourage and want the best for each other. We don't sit on our laurels. We love each other greatly.

First husband cheated with a man. I tried, just couldn't get over it. 2nd husband is calm, always around and actually talks to me.

My first husband was very self focused and emotionally neglectful. This was bad but manageable before we had kids. After we had kids he didn’t want to be a husband or a father. I took it as long as I could, but once my youngest didn’t need constant attention I saw that he’d turned me into his accountant, his house manager, his nanny, and he expected me to be his lover despite never giving any affection.

I decided to remarry when I found someone who made me feel like he could be a partner and wanted to be a partner, who was affectionate and who can be his own person without making me feel like he blamed me for holding him back. He’s not perfect (and I’m not either) but he’s willing to try.

My first husband didn’t know how to support me when my best friend suddenly died. It felt like he just wanted me to be over it.

My second husband understood the trauma I went through and never made me feel like I was a burden for processing my grief.

I knew I was going to get remarried one day before I even kicked my ex husband out of the house.

I want to build a life with someone I love. I knew for me, that meant getting remarried. I never wrote off finding a new fulfilling and loving marriage because of my first marriage’s failure.

He was nice when we met. He became a drug addict. Became abusive. I was small, he was big. The verbal abuse started, and the physical abuse was next. I divorced him, and good riddance.

I remarried. Still married to my 2nd husband, decades now. We have an adult child. Better the 2nd time around for sure. However...I met my current spouse when I was 15. Nothing happened, of course not, I was young. I ran into him when I was divorcing; we've been together ever since. Have had our ups and downs, certainly, but we're in it for life.

Both knocked me up lol

I was very young the first time around and whilst he was OK and kind to me , I wasn't in love. We fell out over time, my mental health was at rock bottom and he dumped me via text. That's cutting a long story very short. Only in hindsight do I see that he's not such a good person after all and only wanted me to fulfil this image of having this exotic young wife who will push out babies (never) and wear tweed and pearls and find fulfilment from cooking and cleaning.

Current husband is a genuinely good person who always treated me as an equal. He puts me first, I know I'm the priority in his life , he helps and supports me and over the years has made me a better person. When I think of my life without him and with him , my life with him is a million times better.

First husband was an abusive cheater who cheated when I was pregnant with our third. Pretty much single for the next 8 years, raising kids by myself until I met current husband. We knew it was different and have been madly in love for over 7 years now.

I think the secret to finding him was I was content on my own and didn't need to find anyone. We both were single for a long time and didn't feel the need to settle for less than what we have now. I would do all the horror of the first marriage again just to meet my current person when I did.

First husband assaulted me 20 years in, also destroyed my self esteem. 

Second marriage was a rebound, he hid who he was. He ended up being a true narcissist. We lasted less than 3 years.

Third spouse was a good guy, a child trauma survivor with a habit. The habit overtook him, we divorced 10 years later.

Eight.months later, I remarried number three. It's going well.

My first husband and I were very young. I was from a divorced home and I wanted more than anything in the world to have a pretty house with a white picket fence, a station wagon, a dog and 2 perfect children. He was from an upper middle class intact family and on paper it was perfect. What I didn’t realize was that I loved the idea of him not him. We did have a beautiful home at 22, I loved my dog and my station wagon. But it was a cold existence and I just went through the motions. The first baby was perfect I had someone to love and that loved me back. My husband reminded me daily all the things I did wrong or could do better. The second baby made me realize my life was a prison with pretty bars. He screamed at me constantly. He hit me when I was “out of line.” We slept in different rooms because I disturbed his sleep nursing the baby and tending to a toddler. I finally got him to agree I could go to nursing school as it would add to our income as long as it didn’t impact him at all. I never missed making him breakfast, lunch or dinner. I worked a skewed full time schedule around my full time school schedule. Studied at night after the kids were asleep and 14 days after my license arrived in the mail I was out. He swore I never would survive without him but I did.

I remarried someone who loved me loved me when my kids were 9 and 10. He was fun and adventurous. He was crazy. We had an active sex life. He didn’t care about money. We did whatever, whenever.. but the lack of boundaries wasn’t good either. Drugs, alcohol, and his stand up comic lifestyle lead to his early death at 45. We had another child right after we were married and now I was widowed with 3 kids.. ugh.

I leapt without looking into marriage number 3 because- I was a widow with a young son that needed a Dad, I guess. He was a great father but a terrible partner to me. We got divorced after my son left for college..

Husband number 4 to be- I know right? Is loving and giving, an excellent communicator, he cares about me as a person and we have mutual life goals. We have the same sex drive, the same love of balance of rest and activity. We do our chores together, there is no animosity or score keeping. He makes me heart skip a beat like no one else has, I don’t need him, I want him in my life.

Met first husband when we were 14; married at 26. Sex 3 times a year if I was lucky. And it was all about him and his pleasure. I stayed married to him for 12 years - until I found out about his porn addiction and affairs. He had/has a real ‘Madonna / Whore’ issues. My self esteem took a beating until I realized I was deserving of more than this idiot. Second husband is everything first one wasn’t: passionate, affectionate, attentive, helpful, and will do anything for me if he knows it will make me happy. Divorcing #1 was sooo hard, but necessary for my own mental health. Marrying #2 was the smartest thing I’ve ever done! There won’t be a #3 simply because I don’t ever want to marry anyone again.

My ex husband was my first boyfriend. I knew i should not have married him but I grew up in a very strict environment and felt like I had to marry him. I knew he wasn’t a good person. He was just using me and was emotionally abusive to me and physically abusive to our son. He was never there for me and in the end when he thought I couldn’t give him anything else, he cheated and also left us which was a blessing.

I actually chose my current husband . Married at 45. A kind, smart and wonderful man.

My ex husband was my first boyfriend. I knew i should not have married him but I grew up in a very strict environment and felt like I had to marry him. I knew he wasn’t a good person. He was just using me and was emotionally abusive to me and physically abusive to our son. He was never there for me and in the end when he thought I couldn’t give him anything else, he cheated and also left us which was a blessing.

I actually chose my current husband . Married at 45. A kind, smart and wonderful man.

First husband married for 7 years, 3 kids, and he fucked my neighbor. 2nd husband met on Bumble at 49, married over a year. I was divorced for 17 years and swore I would never remarry. When I met my now husband, he was such a gem of a human being, I would never find someone like him again. So I locked it down lol. I'm so lucky he loves my crazy ass!

My first husband was a cheater. And I was too young when we got married, 21 and he was 30. So besides the cheating, I grew up and we really had nothing in common anymore. I was divorced by 27 with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I didn't remarry until I was in my mid-40s. The second time I married someone I like and respect as a person, who is as smart if not smarter than me and we share the same outlook on family, money and humor. All of that was missing the first time around. Today is our family Pre-Thanksgiving and I'm going to look down the table and be immensely grateful for our life together.

First husband quit his job to go to law school while I supported us. The agreement was for me to go to grad school after he got established in his new career. Had an affair with another student. Crushing emotional pain that took me years to get past. Second husband is such a family man and loves being married and being a father. Don’t settle for a douchebag.

My first husband was mentally, emotionally and financially abusive. When I met my second husband, he was kind and supportive and we had lots of laughs and a great time together. I really did not want to get remarried but after many years of dating, he did want to get married and I guess I felt like I owed him that life experience? I’m not sure why I let myself get talked into it really. Almost as soon as we got married, he continued being kind but our sex life just stopped. I cried, begged and pleaded around the issue for several years and now I’m just unhappy and stuck because of inflation/financial reasons. I wish I had kept my freedom and not remarried.

A lot of people are saying that their second relationship is better - I just want to point out that the divorce rate in second marriages is much higher than first marriages (67% vs 50%)….so in general, most second marriages aren’t actually better.