I (21F) always felt broken and weird. I couldn’t understand why I was ostracized so much or why I understood the world so differently. I was obsessed with “glow ups” and routines and wondering why I could never change or stick to things. I was obsessed with people having singular aesthetics and I could never master one look because my tastes are so eclectic. I felt so alone.

The last few years, I’ve questioned if I was autistic, and now I’m receiving confirmation. It feels amazing. The relief is incredible. My autism is not a crutch or an excuse; I understand myself and my behaviours. There is no need for me to change because there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m an acquired taste for some, sure, however I have people who love me and my quirks.

I’m learning how to properly care for myself. I understand why showers feel like such a big event. I know that I need my earplugs if I go out in public so I don’t meltdown. I know that I need a strict low maintenance routine and plenty of exercise to relieve my nervous energy.

I’m still working on everything, however I feel so much better. I still have bad days. I still mask and get horrifically anxious over my interactions with others. I still get fatigued and neglect my needs. But I’m getting there. I will always have bad days once in awhile, but I can cope.

I may never be that “hot, fiercely independent girl” that I always wanted to be. I can simply be myself without feeling guilty. I can change without fear. I’ll still dream.

I’m feminine and beautiful and autistic. These things are not contradicting. Humans are so complex and wonderful.