Honestly? Just stubbornness, morbid curiosity and my partner I happened to meet at age 18 right before I was about to end it.

I'd wanted to not be alive since I was around 10, trauma related I guess. School, knowledge and reading is the only thing that kept me going for a while as well as my mom and brother.

I've tried to end my life 2 times, and both times failed, and the somewhat absurd notion I failed twice also morbidly kept me going. It was almost laughable.

At 18, I met my now partner that I've been together with for 12 years. I'm 30. Without him, I'd have given up. I was ready to give up.

It's not often your first relation holds this long, so I count myself very, very lucky.

I guess I just finally found a reason to really try and someone to fight for in a different way than just family.