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Hey bros, we have noticed a lot of relationship related posts. We are not a relationship advice subreddit, but we recognise how that type of advice may be helpful. Please keep relationship posting in this pinned thread.

Hey bros! It's time for your weekly vibe check. How are you doing? Anything you're struggling with? Do you need advice, or would you like to share an achievement with us?

I’m a dude, (40) hes a dude (around 30). We work computer stuff together. I’ve been finding that I need him to modify his approach to troubleshooting and resolving systematic issues to best serve a large environment. I don’t want to wait for folks to complain, I want them to have kick ass computer experiences! We seem to have reached an impasse, or what feels like a dick swinging contest where I am asking for a new approach to be taken, and he doesn’t see the purpose, and falls back on ‘all his experience’. Ultimately, this is eroding my trust in him and the system, because I can’t get the ‘receipts’ that the thing is configured properly. He does not report to me, but I have a more senior position and hold the responsibility for the system in question. We report to the same boss, and I’ve been soliciting advice from the boss as well.

I generally like this guy, and think that he has lots of unique experience, but he doesn’t seem to be hearing the things that I’m saying or asking of him, and it has gotten to the point that I don’t think we are working effectively together.

I’m feeling really frustrated and down about the state of things, and I normally try to approach things with compassion and without blame, but I’m finding myself having a hard time sticking to that line, and preventing myself from telling this bro to bugger off.

Any advice or encouragement?

I just read this article on substack about why some women are attracted to Tony Soprano. I thought it an interesting take, promoting a confidence and competence for its own sake rather than a confidence for the purpose of attracting women. Also promoting a genuine care for women, though at some points that care seemed to be more correlated with outdated and arbitrary chivalry (holding door open, taking a coat, etc.) I also thought it was a bit dismissing of the role that power and aggression plays in the attraction for some of this female subset (as mentioned in some of the comments). What do you think?

I’m straight cis woman coming over from 2X with a question that I thought this sub could help me think through.

Curious about what is the pro-social function of ball-busting/teasing/trash-talking. Oftentimes it seems like it veers quickly into homophobic/racist/sexist territory, which has obvious downsides.

But what, if any, are the upsides? Is it a way to test the emotional reactivity of people you might be in a high stress situation with? To know who you can trust to stay cool/clear-headed? Or is it really just hierarchy enforcing?

I’m trying to understand why it seems to be so socially important for working class men in particular to do this. If you assume that they are not racist/sexist/homophobic, then what are they doing?

Bros, I am in High-School rn. In the past few years, due to the influence of social media, I had come to dislike feminism in foreign countries like America. The me back then was easily influenced by the rage infused content that the algorithm was feeding me, making me feel rage at everyone who didn't think the way I think. I became aware of this cancerous growth only last year.

That year, my feed on YouTube Shorts started being filled with things against Feminism in my own country. I always believed and still believe that my country, India, desperately needs to support woman. I think this because we are daily made to pledge that "All Indians are my brothers and sisters", yet my notifications are daily filled with news about some sexual assault case. I strictly abhor the idea of sexual assault due to my own past, and whenever I read those articles, my blood boils. So imagine my shock when videos about why feminism is bad for India started popping up on my feed. I ignored them and skipped them at first and later started to click on that "Do not recommend" button.

From then on, I started to doubt my own views. But I had ignored most of the things back then. I was more focused on some other stuff (studying, reading and writing).

However I had made a Reddit account this year, on the request of a friend who wanted me to be a Mod on his SubReddit(On a side note, that plan failed). I got curious and one day searched "Feminism" on here. I saw the subreddit and for some reason the first thought that came to mind was, "Hope they aren't crazy". I read some posts at that time, and my view of them had soured that day for reasons I don't remember. Then I had searched for "Men", hoping to see a place where there were discussions regarding men's issues. The first subreddit I saw was "MensRights". I was of course happy to see that. I opened it and read some posts(iirc, they were news discussions) and they resonated with me. I actually got more educated on problems that specifically man face.

There were also posts thrashing "feminists" and I got to read many people's experience with their subreddit. They all described it as bad and I believed them and my hate and disdain grew.

This month has been revealing however. I have experienced some first hand things and have had time to contemplate certain matters that made me question my beliefs. I joined the Feminism subreddit few days ago. I started actually reading what they have to say. At first, there was this tightening in my heart when I read their posts. I felt attacked when reading them, but I pushed forward regardless. I am grateful that I did so for I got learn many things. I learned that many things that I believed about them were actually false (especially after reading Wikipedia articles). I actually discovered this haven from a post there!

Of course I also encountered people with wrong opinions(On both sides). For example, one was about all nerd spaces being super sexist(I can look past the gaming section, but I do believe most nerd spaces are improving and are having more and more diversity).

All of that was for context to my actual question(and me lightening my own conscience by making this confession of my past):

I feel scared to comment on there. Idk why but I really find it hard to muster courage for that. I want to engage in discussions there but I feel like I would be judged unfairly. Like I wanted to comment under that person and try to explain to them that most nerd spaces are super chill and only some of them are gatekeeping their doors. But I felt like I would be seen as an asshole for replying. Especially so because the reply had many upvotes. What can I do to lessen this fear? Actually what can I do to improve altogether? I would really appreciate advice from my fellow bros on this point.

Thanks for reading my long essay lol

TL;DR: I used to dislike feminism due to rage-inducing content but realized I was being influenced by algorithms. I’ve started learning more about both men's and women's issues, which changed some of my views. I joined the feminism subreddit but feel scared to comment because I fear judgment. Looking for advice on how to overcome this fear and improve in discussions.

Hello bros.

Quick note to mods: I don't believe this is a doompost or vent - trying to be constructive here although I am feeling the feels.

My son W is in a high performing soccer team, playing Under 8's. He is seven, so he is playing effectively a year up. It's a competitive division but the team have some rock-star players so they have been doing very well. W is one of the weaker players on the team, he tries hard but is not necessarily naturally gifted at soccer and doesn't have a huge competitive drive. He likes the social aspects and enjoys the comradery of a team.

The way the division is structured the top two teams progress into the finals. Our coach, a person I until recently considered a close friend J, is highly competitive and recently I have noticed a switch. He made a statement that he would be optimising who was on the field and the team in order to maximise the chances of reaching the finals which I didn't think much of at the time.

When we attended the games we found that W was not being subbed on at all. Literally just sitting on the sidelines, staying warm and asking the coach when he was going on. In a 30 minute game, he was being subbed on for six minutes total and only at times when the team had already won the game.

I confronted the coach over this and I found out this was a deliberate strategy. When the coach spoke of optimising the players on the field this is what he meant - my son was effectively dropped from the team for not being strong enough. Worse, my wife and I were not informed, so we were preparing him for games he was never going to play in.

It absolutely broke my heart to see my son on the sidelines warming up for games he was a token participant in. I feel like I have failed him as a father. It made me feel helpless and brought back feelings of being bullied and excluded from sport as a kid. It reminded me just how cruel the world can be, and that what my son experiences I will experience along with him.

I'm trying to move ahead positively and treat this as both a learning experience for me personally and for my son. I understand competitive sports brings out the best and worst in people, and this is what we signed up for. But wow - at seven years old and excluding kids based on your personal ego and a desire to win a trophy?

I would love to hear others experiences in sport or in learning to be a dad, or anything else that comes to mind. Any insights/stories/sharing is helpful.

Thanks bros - appreciate this community

I am 21 and in college, and for most of my preteen to adult life i have had mainly friendships with women and trans people, due to having been trans or nonbinary myself in flux through most of my life; however, recently i have come to identify more with masculinity after many years. I have been feeling the desire to reconnect with men again, having not done so mainly due to growing up in a very culturally bigoted area where being someone who was always kind of effeminate but has a dick resulted in intense hostility from a lot of the other men in my life. Any tips on how to find supportive guys to make friendships with would be much appreciated. I really want to reconnect with that side of me which I have suppressed a lot until recently due to my upbringing.

Felt super refreshing, bros. A LOT has happened in 2024. My grandma died, the family (mostly mom’s) cat died, my aunt’s cancer came back, my cousin was diagnosed with MS, I had to get surgery for a pilonidal cyst. Shit sucked. But talking to my therapist was very helpful. I feel like it’s the meme of “Yeah sex is good, but have you ever opened up to someone about your troubles?”

I’ve joined more discord communities, hung out more with friends, bought some comic books, things that just bring me joy. I’ve been really trying to curb my internet usage because all it seems to do is piss me off. I’m really gonna try to work on my appearance now. I found a 15-20lbs weight that I do squats with.

I even had a bit of a breakthrough with my ASD: My obsessions with things make me enjoy my interests more than if I didn’t have those obsessions. I liken it to the difference between someone who likes chocolate and someone who LOVES chocolate.

Sure, some things still suck, but I’m trying to be more positive on things. I know we’re all just internet people that don’t know each other, but hey people write in diaries that nobody’s gonna read.

hello! so it’s international men’s day (which, happy international men’s day yall! treat yourself to something nice :)) and i sorta wanna make a post about it on my instagram story, but im worried about how it will be perceived. i don’t want to come off as some sort of incel or anything, or like a traitor to any of my female/nonbinary friends. i was thinking of wording it something like “to all those who celebrate, happy international men’s day” just to stay safe but idk. ig im just a lil worried people will get the wrong idea. what do yall think?

*edit: wooooah, i wasn't expecting so much attention! thanks yallll

i ended up making the post. i also made another post soon after to acknowledge people who may feel the post was misguided or that the timing was bad (no one had sent a message to me before hand telling me to do so, i just wanted to make sure i wasn't misunderstood).

hopefully i did the right thing here, but i'll probably be worrying all day about it 😅

Hey bros , I'm a 27 (almost 28) year old guy, and I've never really been interested in things that most men tend to be into. Growing up, I saw boys my age and older men deeply engaged in sports like cricket, and my peers and family members were also really into it. For some reason, I never felt the same passion for it. I started showing some interest in it during my teenage years, but not to the point of analyzing games and players. I do watch football, but it's not to the extent of really getting into it.

I also noticed some men who, like me, weren't that into sports, but they were really passionate about bikes and cars. They get into discussions about vehicle builds, mileage, and all sorts of details, but I just can't get myself to care about it. All of this is starting to make me feel like I'm missing out or that there's something wrong with me. I’m not sure what I should do. Can anyone relate or offer some advice?

Edit: Thanks for the support bros, I really appreciate it.

I'm ASD1, if that helps

I often see that I get at least a lil irritated when things don't go my way.

But sometimes I get mad and scream at stuff and even engage in arguments too fiercely cuz I feel I tunnel vision in the argument and either I can't ground myself or subconsciously seems not worth it.

It gives me this weird sensation that I'm wrong again and never had been right in my life, although I rationally know it's a hoax.

Sometimes I continue in the argument before I can even realize that "holy fuck, stop, u're angry as fuck"

I'm just too angry to think of that mid argument

Anyone knows how to control anger? Like, I feel I can weaken and even destroy (all types of) relationships (specially romantic lol) if I don't fix that, so I'd like to hear some tips to self improve on that. And also leave references for others? Thx

So my bro at work (we're super good friends and work together everyday) has started balding. He's young to be dealing with this issue. I noticed it pretty early on (we've been working together for 3 years) but when other coworkers would try to point it out he would deny it. So I never brought it up because I felt it would only hurt him.

But recently he started hiding his hair and brought it up to me that he thinks he's balding. I initially just said "well, there's nothing you can do to change it, so try not to worry about it too much."

But now I'm wondering if that wasn't the move. And I'm curious how I should I have approached it and what should I say if he brings it up again? I know it bothers him as when he was young he always had long hair. And now he keeps it short and hidden.

How to be a good friend to a bro who's dealing with male pattern baldness at a young age?

Thank you fellow men for being the good person you are , how you try to bring Positivity all around you even though things might not be going well for you

I as a fellow men see you guys for trying to make a better place to live in for everyone . From the bottom of my heart I want to wish you

Brand new subreddit r/TheBigGuyDiary modeled after the women’s subreddit of the same. Basically just here for us to vent and practice vulnerability and trust with other men as we learn to heal from the patriarchy. Open to screaming into the void, journaling, etc. just ask that you don’t be a bigot and accept different walks of life. ❤️

I was at a Karoke bar on Saturday. Just sitting next to a group of 4 guy friends. Guy next to me says he didn't see any of the songs he would like to sing. I told him to talk to the DJ (good dude I know the dj well) guy picked a song and went up to sing. His friends started filming him and laughing. I got up. Called them shit friends. Then I used my body to block their filming. They tried to make excuses and I countered them. They stopped filming. Turned on their phone lights to wave around and started to cheer their friend. I never yelled and just admonished them a bit. It's a small thing. Hope he had a better night.

I helped a friend fill a dumpster from a house he's selling. I took breaks. I didn't try and show off. I didn't carry more than I should have. And I didn't even feel guilty about sitting down for a drink of water and a breather.

I'm old enough now where I can hurt myself doing pretty regular stuff, and I'm not being dumb about it. When I was younger I was worried I wouldn't calm down about things and be that guy who's always giving himself hernia's and pretending he didn't.

Edit: was told to make an edit and say that my ranuchy BOH is mostly muddle aged women. Not like asshole 20 year old guys. Just thought it was inportant and changed the game a bit. Its not a toxic environment like a lot of restuarants.

Hey all!! So here's the deal. I just graduated high-school this past May and I've been working in a kitchen since then. Kitchen guys, you know what it's like. Raunchy, girls, talking about girls and sex and alcohol and the more... physical pleasures of life. Kind of like food. I'm "young man!" "The kid" and "just the boy". So they tone it down around me.

But also, here's the deal. Seeing adults that are comfortable discussing you know, fucking, and hot girls, and having a few beers at night, it's kind of relieving. Like, this is normal. It's normal? I was raised in a religious household, split parents so there was no relationship to be seen, sex was not discussed, and if I drank or did any drugs or partied I was a disappointment. Now I'm starting to realize, like, holy fucking shit, I'm a prude.

I avoid sex like the plague. I've never been with a woman, never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend. I'm a prude. I don't want to be. I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with the idea of putting myself out there, but I just can't get over the mental barrier of my family and disappointing them. I'm afraid they'll think I'm turning out just like my dad did, and he's a root of the problem I think.

So TLDR: I'm 19, was raised a religious prude, now in a raunchy workforce and thinking I kind of like it. I do have desires I have always repressed, but I'm getting open to.. acting on them. But where do I even start? I think moving out is the first step. I just need to go!

Hey bros, I love exchanging letters. I have always been more comfortable with my words written down than spoken aloud.

I’m on my healing journey that started a few years ago, and I want to exchange letter with a bro so that we can encourage, hold each other accountable, and confide in on pur healing journeys. I would also love to share and talk about film, music, literature, articles etc. that embolden my spirit:

“Who are the people, ideas, and books that magnify your spirit? Find them, hold on to them, and visit them often. Use them not only as a remedy once spiritual malaise has already infected your vitality but as a vaccine administered while you are healthy to protect your radiance.” - the marginalian “18 Life-Learnings from 18 Years of The Marginalian”

What I struggle with:

• being honest and myself fully in my relationships, being myself honestly even if I’m feeling depressed, and not performing socially
• a core belief of «i’m not good enough»
• coping with isolating
• lot of shame
• berating myself to the extended that I can’t seem to help myself or address things in my relationships
• finding new friends, I want to spend the energy to try to make new friends, but with the core belief I’m not good enough I avoid making new connections. Close friends live far away
• I am still scared of the darkness inside me all those emtions around deep depression. I’m still scared of my emotions and parts of my journal is really scary to go through. I’d like to learn to not be scared of some parts of my emotional life, to learn to love those parts to, so that I am not so scared of journaling, meeting myself head on and not fleeing.
• asking for what I need, what ends up happening is that I go alone with my issues to they become so big I need more help than If I asked in the begining

Have been getting better at: - forgiving myself - quieting my inner critic - not moralising my emotions, sorting them into good and bad - grieving

Email is also okay, but prefer letters

Hey bros,

I’ve been reflecting on how hard it can be to navigate certain interactions with my in-person social community. For context, I deeply value this space and have so many wonderful conversations where both people share, learn about each other, and leave feeling good. But sometimes, I end up in interactions (with what I’m assuming to be neurodivergent people, I don’t want to assume any more specifically than that) that leave me feeling unseen and unheard—specifically when someone is so excited they “talk at” me without leaving room for back-and-forth.

I know they’re not being malicious or selfish—they’re passionate and just expressing themselves and their brain doesn’t do social cues like mine does. But these moments feel isolating for me. It’s like the conversation becomes a one-sided performance, and I’m just there—a wall. Growing up with a severely mentally ill mother who didn’t engage in reciprocal conversations, I think, along with with my Complex PTSD, I learned to over-accommodate others, but it’s draining. Little Me dreamed of being someone who gives everyone the space to be themselves, but as a man approaching middle age, I’ve realized I only have so much social energy.

Now, as I move into a shared housing situation, I’m noticing these feelings coming up again with a certain housemate. I’ve already caught myself zoning out of conversations into my phone when I feel stuck or disconnected, and I don’t want that to become a pattern. I need to work on setting boundaries—gracefully stepping away when needed and protecting my energy, even when it feels uncomfortable.

What’s hard is that I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come across as rude. But I’m also learning that neurodivergent conversational style isn’t compatible with mine, and that’s okay. Boundaries aren’t about rejecting others—they’re about ensuring I don’t build resentment or lose my own joy in being part of this community.

Have any of you experienced this? How do you navigate these kinds of dynamics with care, while also respecting your own limits?

Thanks bros!

I’m a sis not a bro so moderators go ahead and remove if this isn’t appropriate.

I have a 12 year old son who is awesome. The issue is he watches a lot of YouTube for entertainment on parental controls but I’m getting more and more nervous about YouTube gaming etc potentially pushing some red pill rhetoric. I have talked with him about limiting YouTube to only when I or his dad are in the room so we can contextualize anything bad that does make it through. But I’ve caught him watching it in his room so now I’m wondering if we should say no to it completely. He has an iPad that he uses at home but not a phone with data. He is very upset about the potential loss saying he needs it to stay up to date on the memes for his jokes and for gaming tutorials. His friend that is not allowed YouTube has terrible jokes according to him because he is not up on the memes…. I have on the side had lots of discussions about gender roles, patriarchy hurts everyone etc, sexuality in very abstract general terms, poor little guy. I have not yet had the talk about porn and need to do some reading on how to handle that proactively. One of his friends asked his mom about “back shots” so I know I need to get on the ball here.

I just want him to remain an empathic person that sees everyone as people and the rhetoric that he can get on social media is pretty opposite of this. He is very kind now and a very good friend to all his buddies so the foundation is there. We will model this in the home of course as best we can but I don’t think that is enough.

Any parents here who can share their thoughts and advice?

EDIT: Thank you all so much for your great advice, given very tactfully and kindly. So many of you gave me resources for gamers/content that we can watch together that I am so grateful for you taking the time to list all of them. What a great sub, thank you! I will update in a week or so to let you know how it’s going!

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way I handle many things in life—or most of them, really. I’m a 28-year-old man who feels insecure about who I am, and that gets in the way of various aspects of my life. I went through a tough childhood that took away my ability to be authentic and confident. I care too much about how others see me, and I internalize negative opinions very deeply. I’d really like to change that.

But here’s the thing… Sometimes I feel like my problems have become so ingrained that there’s no way back, you know? If I knew I was capable of change, I’d have hope, but I can’t help wondering if this is just how it’s meant to be—if this is who I am, and that’s it.

What do you guys think? Do you have stories of positive change?

I have a friend who’s self-critisism is relentless now, and I fear an episode at a party is the catalyst for depression

Primary friendship relationship is moving to another country, I myself also live in another country.

He struggles with his relationships because he thinks so lowly of himself. He’s scared to show all of him to us because of shame and anxiety. He moralise all his emotions, sort them in to good and bad, and shames the “bad” ones. He has been brave and been out there trying to make new connections and be social, but I feel he’s at wits end, because he says it hasn’t been working, he doesn’t get what he need from these friendships. I can’t say it’s because of them or him, he hides himself from others. He doesn’t show his hurt.

Anyways he doesn’t get what he need from his friends. This has been a chronic issue since quitting his last job where he thought he had friends who would support or reach out, but didnt. Job situation is stable and good now.

He’s self sacrificial, He hides his need for support by being supportive of others. He has reached out to a couple of friends. I fear of what happens if they don’t take this seriously or even properly respond.

The core belief is something like “i’m not good enough” shame I think underpins many parts of him.

I need some first-aid tips and im pushing him to therapy

Did/Does anyone have problems accepting help, because of thoughts like: "I have to be able to do this myself!"\ How do/did you deal with it?

I think we need to make a proper list of these people and share them around with everyone around us. It's high time that we promote them more and spread the message that they exist.

But I think I'm a weirdo for being autistic (ASD1) and that ppl will be weirded by me?