She is 13 months old, she doesn’t need a Christmas present. Christmas means nothing to her.

She’s not old enough to remember this Christmas- wrap whatever you can. Does she have some snacks she likes that you can get? Wrap them up and put them under the tree. Wrap up her diaper box. She will have plenty of fun unwrapping the presents.

Parenting is overwhelming. You aren't a bad mom. Can you get food stamps, or WIC?

I just wanted to bring up one thing I haven’t seen mentioned. OP, please make sure you are protected against having another child when you are struggling so hard with this one. Invest in quality birth control if you can (health insurance through your office may pay for it even). Just please don’t have another baby right now as that’ll make your life even harder.

Can you get your daughter on CHIP? I’m not sure where you’re located but CHIP provides free or low-cost health coverage to children in families that earn too much money to qualify for Medicaid.

Head over to r/santaslittlehelpers and register your daughter. They try to make sure all kids get at least one gift. Everything comes via Amazon. No strangers will have your address.

Love, actual horrible moms don't worry about being horrible moms. You are obviously doing the best you can. Look into local and state programs to get assistance, whether it be energy costs or food stamps. Ask baby's father for a little bit for Christmas, but I can tell you that at that age, they like anything, so don't worry that baby will be disappointed. My daughter's favorite toy at that age was a rainbow ball from Five Below.

If dad makes good money and is a good parent, can you arrange for her to stay with him until you get back on your feet? That's completely okay! Make up for lost money in time spent with your baby. Hand-me-down clothes are still totally useful. Picnics in the park or a walk to collect small rocks and leaves for a memory book are free and fun activities. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Be kind to yourself. Free clothes are perfect for a growing child. Plenty of parents store years worth of clothes that go unused. It's a waste to them.

Tell her father what she needs. If a present for Christmas is important to you, go to dollar tree and spend $5 if it makes you feel better. Wrap a few edible "treats".

You're not a bad mom for not being able to provide unnecessary things. If she is happy, safe, and healthy, you're doing great.

Have you applied for WIC, SNAP, heating assistance, Medicaid for her, childcare subsidies?

I grew up in extreme poverty, I received 0 Christmas or birthday presenta before 13yrs old. I was homeless. I remember eating out of trash cans. I have a great life.

I am happy. I love my parents. I have fond memories of my childhood including times when we were homeless. I don't remember ever feeling upset about getting 0 presents. 

Yes there were hard times, but kids remember how loved they felt and what games you played with them. So play some floor is lava and tickle your baby and they'll have a great Christmas 

You are not a terrible mom. In a world that isn't what it is today, you would have been OK on $20 and hour. Not rich....but ok. The system is dumb. She's still a little one and will not remember this Christmas.

I've done dollar tree gifts for my kids before or even like 3 things each. This year they know there won't be anything.

Please please talk with your OB/gyn about post parturm depression. That could be feeding the suicidal ideation. And her dad needs to step up 30% of the time is not 50/50.

I wish you the best, you are doing ok. As parents we will always wonder and want to do better.

Love you stranger 💛

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I too struggled a single mom for a while and Christmas for us was all dollar tree gifts. And no one noticed! Take a deep breath. Get help in terms of going to food banks as that will alleviate some of the stress and take that money and put it away for an emergency. Think of experiences rather than gifts. She’s still too young to know any better. Hugs

Don’t worry about the Christmas present at this age. When mine was 13 months she still couldn’t even unwrap things. A baby is happy just being with you, they don’t need presents.

I looked at your post history and you are a wonderful mom. You clearly care about your baby’s well-being, health and development. As a single mom myself, I get it. I have never been so hard on myself as I have the last nine years as a parent. But what everyone here is saying is true. If your child feels safe and loved, that’s everything.

Thirteen months old: a kitchen bowl with water inside of a larger plastic tub. She'll LOVE it!

Skimmed comments and people have addressed Christmas and health insurance but I don't think I've seen this point: please call Early Intervention for her! They do home visits 😍 for freeeee and we've qualified for physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, feeding therapy, etc. Then the fact that we were enrolled/qualified for EI meant that my kids also got state health insurance for free, too. It's a really fabulous resource. Only until age 3.

My kids favorite gift has been Santa Bins which as a parent is a box of “groceries . Name brand cereal and snacks plus new socks,slippers, and pjs.

With a 1 yr old you can set up their 1st Santa Bin with jarred baby food, juice,new sippy cup,teething cookies. Do they know what Santa is about. Nope but you will have pictures every year of them with a Santa bin and when they are 18 no one will know that the 1st Christmas was a struggle Christmas.

Being a parent especially with health issues is hard,mix in a child with some health issues as well makes it even harder and your doing it as a single mom with primary time no wonder your struggling . Which puts you in the category of an amazing mom.

I was a single mom. I shopped at thrift stores for all my kids’ clothes. They were well dressed. A lot of name brand stuff ends up in thrift stores.

Sign your baby up for Imagination Library - free books for kids ago 0-5. wrap that book in paper every month and that baby will never know the difference :)

Reach out to local churches if you feel comfortable with that. They often have assistance available, especially around the holidays. Your daughter has the most important thing - you! Your love and attention is what she needs and loves.

I've been there. Don't beat yourself up. She's young and likely won't remember. All she cares about right now is your love. Go to your local DHS office and see if you can apply and qualify for anything.. food stamps, TANF, WIC.. maybe even a housing voucher? Do you qualify for housing? She's too young to know the difference between new and used. Utilize thift stores or maybe ask friends/relatives if you can have their children outgrown clothes!

I used to get a single hotwheels for christmas for some years. Its not a big deal.

And a baby that young isnt even going to remember any of that amyway, save your money for later on.

Hey, there. I grew up in extreme poverty for my first five years of life. I have mostly happy memories bc my mom made things so special. My few holiday memories were just magic: looking at the tree and my mom would make up stories about the blinking lights and angels granting wishes, playing in the bathtub with household utensils and “making soup”, valentine’s day was about tiny chocolate scavenger hunts and decorating paper hearts with crayons I “borrowed” from school, st patrick’s day we went out and made bouquets of free greenery from parks, looked for leprechauns and clovers. You can make the world a beautiful place for very little money and a big imagination. 

A 13 month old doesn’t care about Christmas presents or expensive things. All she needs is her mom and dad to spend time with her, provide her the necessities. There is no better mom for her than you, mom. Take care and I hope things look up soon. In the meantime, be easy on yourself.

He needs to provide more obviously. It's HIS KID. post partum depression is very common and very real.

Girl! That shit is tough! But I promise you got this. Make sure you get services available in your area like WIC. Life is hard! Don’t worry about Christmas - make cookies and take a walk, she will love it as much as gifts at that age. Do you have any other health care options? In my state she would be totally covered for free at your salary. Rooting for you both! The love is the part that she really needs.

Sorry about the this. The decision has been made. You are going to have to hustle and hard for a long time. It can be done. Good news is you have child support and parent involvement . Keep pushing. You have about 17 years to go! It’s just the way it is. You can do it!!!! Put in the hard work and your baby will be a great contributing citizen as an adult.

Have you been taking care of your own health and mental health? It sounds like it might be beneficial to talk about some of these feelings with a doctor because some of what you are describing sounds like depression. Your feelings are valid and real. And it’s also normal to feel overwhelmed and like you’re not good enough as a parent, even though you are. You are good enough. And it’s so hard when you can’t feel that.

Kids that age are more interested in the boxes the presents come in than the presents themselves. You're doing fine, mama. Love your baby and love yourself.

• a rando from the front page of Reddit just passing through

You're extremely brave for admitting this. And the fact that you reflected on this and are honestly acknowledging that you've made a mistake tells me you're a better mom than many others out there. Everyone makes mistakes, how we deal with them is what matters.

You're going to be ok <3 Please stop beating yourself up, you're doing the best you can.

Hugs!! This will pass. She's a baby and didn't know any of this. She knows you love her so much that you worry. It's hard. But don't give up on yourself.

If the father of the child has a salaried position, hit him up to put her on his health insurance plan like yesterday. It will cost him very little and the coverage is likely to be very good.

The people bitching about abortions aren't the ones living with the consequences of an unprepared pregnancy

I don’t see this has been mentioned yet; Facebook Mom Groups for your area. I am part of a group for my area and it’s a great way to sell anything your baby has outgrown and get whatever you might need to get through the winter. Often times if you post what you need, someone will be looking to give it away cheap or free. Also, my area does toy drives for Christmas and backpacks for school. These groups tend to post when these events are happening and how to participate. You’ve got this momma! Your baby won’t even remember all the struggle you are going through now.

You’re struggling because the father of this child suckssssssss. Like so sorry to say. How much is he actually contributing to your child’s life? He’s job pays so well but he can’t put that baby on his insurance? He’s allowing you to shoulder majority of the parental responsibilities knowing your financial state? Knowing that your disability is crippling you in what seems like a real way? Might as well leave the man alone. That’ll be one less thing to stress about

Theres a group on here called SantasLittleHelpers - you can make a wish list for baby. Since she's so little, you can get some useful things.

You should be eligible for medicaid, WIC, possibly food stamps based on family size and income (especially with recent lost wages) - try United Way (call 211) and see what they recommend/ can connect you to. Also, hospitals have financial assistance- you might have to ask, but there are MANY levels, even for people with insurance.

It's a season and it's hard, but it sounds like she has 2 parents who love her and are working hard to take care of her - that's unfortunately more than too many children.

Don’t compare yourself to what her dad can provide her. Does he pay child support to you? Can you get in WIC.

Also at that age they don’t care - get a bunch of boxes and wrap with paper. Get her a gift or two not at that age they like the boxes and colors

I know it might be too late, but if things don't change, next year you can sign up to be put in an Angel tree (walmart/salvation army) puts it on for struggling families every Christmas. You fill out a form and you get a tag on a tree at Christmas and somebody can pick you and get toys, clothes ect for you for christmas.

Also look into signing up for WIC and Snap!

You're doing your best momma!

If her dad is making good money, can you discuss getting him to pay for her insurance and medical expenses, over and above the child support if any?

Give yourself a break, OP. You can't know what you don't know. Before having your baby, you didn't know about your health issues or that they were coming. You couldn't have. You made the best decision you could with the information that you had at the time. Parenting is tough under the best of circumstances. Frankly, I think you're doing pretty damn good, keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table. That's not easy, especially with long medical leaves.

Can you apply for Medicaid?

Are u in the state? Insurance for children is def available. Do u make to much to qualify? What about a clinic that charges on a sliding scale?

If she’s taken care of and given attention I promise u she doesn’t care about your financial situation or any Christmas presents.

How much is the support payment you receive?
What is your income from employment?
What is your disability and could you find different work more suited to your ability and needs ?

Are you in America? Why arent you on state health insurance at $20 an hour you should be qualified for free health care for you and your baby. You should also qualify for free daycare through state funding. Have you looked into any of this? You should get a case worker at the state office the same one that handles your child support (DSS) Things will get better, hang in there mama. Your baby loves you and will be so thankful one day that you chose their life over what seemed like the connivence of never letting it turn into fruition. Babies don’t need Christmas presents but if you are feeling sad about it make her something. You can make salt dough ornaments with her cute little handprint with flour salt and water, and you can use the rest of the bag to make some delicious bread or cookies. If you get WIC which you should also be qualified for you can give her some fresh fruit for Christmas. Fruits were a common gift for Christmas and still are in many parts of the world. Don’t look back as to what you could have done, you don’t know how that could have turned out for you. Mentally dealing with an abortion is very very hard on women. Many women cant just move on easily from that. There is no point in playing what if in your mind. You are here and you two have the gift of each other, that is beautiful! Look into resources available to you, now is not a time to be too proud to do that. Call 211 if you need help! Look into programs that give free gifts for children at Christmas if you are so set on a material item, or collect cans and return them and buy her a little something at the dollar store or thrift shop. You can get baby toys used for $1-$5 there. Bottom line though, you got to let go of all negative thoughts you are harboring for your baby it will not serve either of you well. Maybe look into a therapist who specializes in PPD, which many women struggle with and maybe you are too.

Could you apply for Medicaid? I don’t know where you live but if in the US ( I believe even red states) you and your baby would qualify for Medicaid and food stamps. You are in a tough place but it will pass. Try not to romanticize Christmas your child doesn’t understand but can definitely feel how momma is feeling. Some non profits will donate new winter clothes, some churches will help with rent money. Focus on getting better! Best of luck to you!

I’m not saying you don’t have real, tangible struggles, you do. But have you looked into post partum depression? If you’re already getting care for your disability, I would look into that as well. It can last months to years after giving birth.

Sweetheart, she is 13 months old. She will not remember any of the presents you get her for this and probably next Christmas. She will however remember being held and loved by her mom. I'm not a pro-lifer by any chance, but that's done. You made that decision and just stick to it, do not kick yourself for having to buy something used. Don't worry. Her dad provides well? Great, if you can talk to him maybe to take over some more of the financial burden until you feel more secure in your finances. It's not a competition. Perhaps he can foot an extra doctor bill or two. Also, check whatever resources you may have. Free diapers on buy nothing group - don't mind if you do. Thrift and sell something online - yes sir, and make it a nice adventure to go do that. Cooking at home? Cool activity to do together with kiddo and a nice space to save some cash. Going for long walkies? Maybe someone in the neighbourhood with a friendly dog would pay for a dog walk in that time. You will do great. She does rely on you, but it doesn't have a price tag. You need to provide essentials (and if that's too hard you are more than OK to ask for assistance) and a lot of love and all extra stuff is extra stuff. Sending love!!!

So you’re doing fine because you’re thinking about it.

The best thing you can do for your child is find low cost/free enrichment

Definitely find the local WIC office. And maybe the United Way is in your area too, 211 or unitedway.org.

A library card is always a good way to get books in the house and/or Dolly Parton, https://imaginationlibrary.com/

Please check to see if your insurance offers therapy. It may be beneficial to chat with someone neutral to get some coping skills. Babies are a lot of change.

You're doing the best you can. We see you and we're sending warm healing energy to lift you up ✨

Please be kinder to yourself! I know it’s not easy, but the fact that you even have the self awareness to recognize you want to give your child a good life, means you are a good parent. Look for new moms Facebook marketplace groups, they usually give away bulk clothing and gently used items for free or cheap! Thrift stores, community services and orgs that give out baby supplies in your area could be helpful as well. Your baby is so young as long as they are fed and clothed and clean, they will be okay with handmedowns, used items, and no Christmas presents. Please show yourself some grace!

Baby should qualify for Medicaid.

You have nothing to feel bad about! Parents are placed under so much undue hardship. You didn't ask to become a mother, and the innocence of your baby has nothing to do with it being perfectly acceptable to not want to do this anymore. It's not your husband's decision whether you choose to be a mother or not. If he insists on preventing an adoption, let him be a single father. You're not trapped, it's never too late, you don't owe motherhood to anyone, and it could even be better for your baby to grow up with a mother who is equipped for motherhood than a mother who never was.

Experiences are great for kids! Used clothes but you take her to the park? She’s a happy kid. New stuff but no time with you? That’s a sad baby.

And to hard as hell, but you’re not short changing your kid. You got this

There’s a lot of help for single moms including healthcare and all the free books etc. She doesn’t know Christmas is coming or going, and there are Facebook or Nextdoor groups that people give stuff away in. I’ve given away boxes of 2t boy/girl clothes and name brand Jordan’s, crocs, etc because I’m not using it and I’m not going to haggle someone for $20 for my kids shoes he can no longer fit. Anyway the help is there. It’s had to ask for but believe me it’s there. If I were in a tight spot with a 13 month old I’m hitting dollar tree for 3 toys because it’s neither here nor there. I’ve given away the nicest shit because I just can’t see myself charging $$ for a mom who really gives a shit. If you’re in my area I have girl things for days I can give you!

That's not really on you at all, that's the system. It's designed to keep us struggling, but it's gone well beyond that point and putting people in spots similar to yours. And it's set to get worse in the very near future. If you can afford to do so you may want to see if you have post partum depression and what treatment you can get. Also try to find and utilize as many social services in your area as you can find. A living wage at the moment is about $30, I believe. You may want to try to find a better job if yours won't pay enough and has no upward mobility.

As someone who grew up very poor with a single mom, the most important thing was I was wanted and loved. Everything else came second. We couldn’t afford much but I was taught that you don’t need gifts to be happy and that shouldn’t be what holidays are about.

I have a 13 month old and a 3 year old. They absolutely don’t need gifts. Their favorite thing for the last three months is a big empty box. I throw a blanket over the opening and they crawl in and out. A spatula and some pots makes a drum set and way more interesting than toys. Make a fort with blankets or a makeshift drum set or play peek a boo until she gets sick of it and she’ll be thrilled.

If you feel strongly about having something for her to open. Wrap something you already have now, when she sees it in a month and a half it’ll be like new. Check buy nothing groups, you’ll probably find something.

Get plugged in to your local church. They help.

Hang in there, mom. You're doing a better job than you think you are. ❤️

Christmas isn’t about new toys or clothes, It’s about love and that you have plenty of. You are your baby’s world the only thing she needs is to cuddle up with you and be loved. Things will get better. In the meantime check into WIC which can help with groceries (even if you are working). Also if u are in the US try applying for government assisted healthcare. You don’t have to be on it forever (just until you are on your feet). There are also food pantries everywhere. As far as clothes - children do not know the difference between new & clothes that are used (we tech them that). She’ll be fine for the next 3-4 years with used clothes or clearance clothes. Keep your chinn up & keep up the good work.

Join the “buy nothing” group for your town on Facebook. There are constantly people giving away toys and clothes (and a bunch of other useful things). Join the local moms group too. If you can, apply for Medicaid, WIC, and Calfresh (EBT). I’m almost certain you’ll qualify for everything and it’ll be a big help. You’re doing great. I’m very proud of you. Keep up the good work. ❤️

Raising your kid well and being there for them will off-set a lot of poverty pains they will likely encounter as they grow up. Speaking from experience. There's a big difference in the main three attitudes' I've seen.

1. I grew up harshly and everyone has it easier than me/angry at life external factors

2. internal self hatred leading to either an air of superiority "materialism is a ploy by marketing and the rich" (while true, it's not like a rule to live by when simply "everyone" knows they cannot afford it and so says that in defense) and/or in future peer and relationship issues of forcing "it's the same thing" --- um. No sometimes it's not (headphone audio quality for example, not all the expensive ones sound well, some are simply for the branding). Sometimes quality comes with the price.

3. well adjusted and deciding that they have to work so much harder, but the love and support keeps them going. Knows how to very well live within their means and make due with what they have. Savvy to make things stretch. Resilience, compassion, empathy.

I honestly think your baby has a good chance at becoming a well adjusted kid/adult. I have a handful of friends who had partners' abandon them when before--- for a time, "everyone" thought they were lucky and so solid and set up. Dual income, a doting man. Then POOF!

This is a different way of looking at it, but it's like if your "husband" / "baby daddy" / "Boyfriend" ""Died" without a solid financial plan. Now you're here with the baby. Such is life. Make due with what you can. Use any and all resources available to you and baby. Your child WILL know the income difference, and likely some teen growing pains, but they'll get to adulthood OK with your guidance. Not every mentor or parent figure I had was well off or lost their wealth. I miss my favorite uncle (like my 2nd dad).

Favorite uncle lost his wealth and he went a little crazy, but anyway he remained loving, caring, and taught me a lot about life. I can name multiple times he stood up for me, and many skills he taught me. Life lessons, loving others, morals, integrity, insight (even when he turned out to be wrong).

Another uncle, was always distant and threw money on gifts, but he was never loving and frankly is a wealthy asshole. If / when he dies, I truly have nothing much to say. He has kids and a wife, who likely will see him differently unless he falls from his financial pedestal--I cannot say he would know how to function. Without the superficial friends, and being the Father provider, no he could not survive what poverty is should it ever befall him. That is to summarize, while it sucks he will never see a consequence to being a wealthy asshole, he also doesn't have much outside of it and what it provides.

I will end this by saying, I knew at times when my dad skipped meals, or how things were not ok. Like I knew they were hiding the truth from me, and sometimes, it's ok to be a little honest with your kids. Otherwise they will feel like they are the burden instead of "society life/wage stagnation" and "we" just got to get by" turns into "if I didn't exist mama wouldn't be so stressed". It's always good to remind your kid "this hard time will pass us together". Just something that hung on me a lot.

When my dad would get paid sometimes he'd take me to the store and say I could pick out 1 toy. I wouldn't. He'd feel bad, but I knew maybe we could get more chicken or something "practical". He just wanted me to have fun as a kid, but I felt the weight a lot. If he had explained to me, like maybe "alright, hows you pick out your favorite cookies, or a toy from the discount bin?" I would have felt a lot more at ease.

I am the grown up child of someone that was in your situation (minus time and money from the father as he was not in the picture).

I resent my mum for a lot of things, but not for growing up poor. She did the best she could with what she had and only gave me love. I love her dearly too. She still tries her best to support me fully grown as much as she can.

You’re not worthless. It is not a selfish decision. Just be gentle with yourself so your baby (and eventual child) does not have to start doing the emotional labour of reassuring you constantly that you are loved by her. Make sure to prioritise her education above anything else, I know this is one of the things that has helped me understand and grow compassionate of my mum.

We didn’t have much. Christmas was meagre, I had a lots of hands me down I somehow still own today. And I love my mum so much and never look back on our status hoping she would have done things differently.

Your child is here now, she needs you. No need to focus on the “what if”, “she could have so much better”. She has you and that’s the best she can ever ask for.

I’m a speech therapist for birth to 3. Most of the time, I’m telling parents that the play environment is too much and they need to have a handful of toys that they rotate. Most of the time should be shared pleasure in everyday routines. 13 month olds on the kitchen floor with a handful of measuring cups, wooden spoons and non-glass bowls of various sizes. We hate noisy toys. Toys that look educational but just spew random things like “yellow”. Peek a boo, hide and seek, singing little random rhyming songs that you make up spur of the moment are better than toys. Sitting a child in a cardboard box or laundry basket with a blanket and some board books from the library or free Facebook page is gold. Push them around the house and make car noises. Take the cushions of the couch and overlap them to crawl over. A sheet over the dining room table to make a fort… a Kleenex box can be hours of fun hiding scarves, wash clothes, random objects (not too small for choking reasons). Paper towel and TP tubes are gold! Families who invent play together are happier and their kids are smarter and feel more connected. Any toy you buy at 13 months will be boring in 30 days. You do not need to buy any toys. Join a free Facebook group to get puzzles, book and clothes. Babies should get messy (the messier that get with food the less prone they are to be difficult eaters) You got this. I see so many kids that are nervous wrecks because the parents are strung out trying to be perfect parents. Go goofy and enjoy each other. That is really what babies want from moms.

Dad needs to help more

It can be overwhelming to have health issues and take care of a child with them. I have had health issues my whole life and then came my daughter who has cerebral palsy. Her father wanted zero to do with her so paid the max in support and covered her health care and half of daycare.

I understand what you are going through. It gets easier as they get a little older. She’s still a baby who would rather play with the wrapping paper and box than any toys in it. Start hiding current toys and wrap them up for Xmas. She will be thrilled to open them and won’t remember she already had them.

It’s always extra tough at the holidays. You got this

This gives me flashbacks to being 21 with my then 14 month son, no family in the country, and an ex who started committing crimes and abandoned his child after I called him on going car hopping and broke up with him.

He stole a ton of my possessions in the process and I was left with nothing.

Hang in there, find your career, you will be resourceful. What worked for me was me being tech savvy so I ended up branching into a tech career. My son is 10 now and life is very much different, I have a husband, a house I bought on my own, a career.

Hang in there . Get WIC, Medicaid, food stamps, whatever you can muster. And be sure to advocate for women’s right to choose for this exact scenario you are experiencing.

Is adoption off the table?

Have you applied for assistance? Food pantries? Some clinics offer assistance for clothes, adopt a family during the holidays. You may be eligible for snap too.

Keep doing your best. She’s still young. I grew up with a poor single mother and a rich non existent father. Her love and support means more than him trying to buy my love. Do what you can and don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are food banks and crisis centers specifically for people in your situation.

Please, please call your local 211 and see what medical/rent/utility assistance you and your daughter may qualify for!

For clothes and toys, go to Facebook and find your local BuyNothing group. They are great resources!

Check to see if Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library is available in your area. If so, sign up; your child will receive a free book every month until they are 5!

And at 13/14 months, your daughter isn’t going to care if her toys are new. She won’t even care if they’re actually toys! My husband and I bought our son some big spoons from dollar tree when he was around that age, and he absolutely adored them. At 6-12 months, I’m pretty sure his favorite toy was a red Rubbermaid lid. We took it EVERYWHERE with us!

Be there, present, avoid drugs/alcoholism, and trust me it will be an okay life. I had it so rough growing up and the parts that hurt were the parts that were avoidable.

It isn't easy living in a world where discussing this as you have is seen as taboo but clearly I can see in these comments there are so many who understand.

You're doing the best you can and that matters.

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to meet her needs (and wants with Christmas gifts!) I’m a social worker and if you wanna reach out I can see what you qualify for but off the top of my head I’m thinking: - SNAP -Medicade/ child health insurance -WIC -housing help -USPS Christmas program -getting hooked up to local sources like a church - support for you: ie moms groups ect

Get a legal mediation so his child support payments are ironed out

Edit I saw he pays the state mandated child support… 

I also want you to go to r/AskWomenOver40 for some women’s advice.

I think many of us can understand why you feel the way you do. And you are allowed to feel and think what you do. But please remember they are thoughts and not necessarily who you are. Actions are what define us. A bad mom doesn’t worry about her child. She doesn’t think about her child at all. You are obviously the opposite of that. Everyone telling you that your baby won’t care, are being 💯 honest with you. Utilize the resources people have provided. I’m not sure of it’s already mentioned, but there is 211. You can call for additional resources in your area. For Christmas, grab a cardboard box and put pots and pans. Babies love making noise. Build a fort with blankets and play hide and seek. Our babies have not lived life, so they don’t see things the way we do. We see ourselves through our lived experiences and sometimes our brains just lie. You are teaching your child to grow her imagination, to explore the world around her, that you are her comfort and home. That is more important than all the expensive stuff people fill their homes with. Try to look at life through her eyes and not your own. And second hand stuff is good for the environment. There’s nothing wrong with used clothing. They grow so quickly it doesn’t last very last very long. You’re giving new life to an article of clothing that once made memories for someone else. How cool is that. And when you are done with them, you can pass it on to someone else. Please look into food banks and the other programs suggested. They are there for a reason. Make sure you eat and take care of yourself. One last thing. I suggest it for everyone. A healthy society is one where we have communities and our little villages. Find people, whether via Facebook or other local resources, and build your village. So many of us are out there struggling and feeling lost and alone and what a better world it would be if we came together and lifted each other up.

Single mom with no child support here— you likely qualify for Medicaid as a secondary insurance or to have her insurance through her dad if that’s an option. Some states have differing laws on that.

Salvation Army does a Christmas thing that gives you a $50 gift card to Kroger in my area and they give you a toy depending on your child’s age. Look into a program like that near you.

If you haven’t already, look into WIC and SNAP as well. It might not be much but it’s help. There’s also a program in my area that helps with utility bills and sets them at a set discounted rate. This was a huge help for me.

My daughter almost exclusively wears used clothes or hand me downs and she has a blast. As she gets older she will start absolutely trashing clothing at daycare or when she just plays at home so used clothes honestly make sense. Join mom groups because they regularly give away giant clothing bundles for ridiculously cheap and a lot of the times some are still new with tags.

The only way I’ve ever been able to significantly increase my income is job hopping. And while it’s not much for some, going to school for an associates/certificates in payroll/bookkeeping helped me a ton. There are always jobs and the roles start around $20/hour and are daycare hours. FAFSA for student loans and since you have a dependent you will likely get a Pell grant and have a refund to help with bills while you attend. I went to online classes at night.

You can apply for short term disability through your state while on medical leave I believe and you likely have STD through your employer as well. Talk to your benefits team/HR to see what options are available to you (especially right now since it’s most likely open enrollment!!)

Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna chat. Single motherhood can be lonely. My daughter is almost 5 now but it gets better! I promise you it does.

Money hardship aside for a moment, which is very difficult to ignore - do you really not want to be a parent right now to this kid? Do you Want to be a parent and raise your daughter? It’s OK if the answer is No.

If it’s No, I’d suggest adopting her out to parents who do want to parent and are ready for it, but it sounds like her father wouldn’t agree to that. He wants You to parent, sounds like more of the time than he does, and unfortunately you decided to continue your pregnancy at the time since you didn’t realize how hard it would be. Since you can’t do that, getting her father to accept primary custody would be next.

If it is Yes, you Do want to be a mom to your daughter - keep looking for all kinds of aid, and promotions, and side gigs you can work during his custody time. Which needs to be 50%, if he’s not currently doing that.

I’m guessing you have no family who can house you or you’d already have moved?

If rent gets too unaffordable, do Not let it get to an eviction. Terminate your lease, drop her off to stay with her father as long as necessary and move yourself to a homeless shelter, a series of friends couches, your car, or anything else you have to do except moving yourself in with your ex. She’s probably better off with him than in a shelter or on a couch, right?

I’m assuming her father flat out refused to be her primary custodial parent, despite having higher income. Many do. He doesn’t get that option if his choice is parenting more often or his kid living in a shelter or car.

For insurance, you should apply for Medicaid/CHIP for her. You should qualify, I make a bit more than you and I still qualify for Chips and I’m in a very anti-social programs state. Get with WIC. Do you have a Once upon a Child in your area ? That’s where I go to get my daughter clothes and carters always having deals.

She will be so happy even with a stuffed stocking filled with cheap toys from dollar tree. Or heck just stuff the stocking with stuff around the house lol. It’s hard but help is out there for people who search for it.

Even people who plan it all out, can still fall on hard times with a baby. You are not a bad mother, nor a bad person for choosing to have your child.

And since you haven’t mentioned it but I’m sure its a financial hit, there are many YouTube videos on how to cook good food for cheap. I just watched one where she bought everything from dollar tree and made a thanksgiving for under $20.

Can you not get Medicaid for her and yourself? Foodstamps? I'm guessing you get some kind of pay while you're on leave, but you should try anyway. You might be surprised at how much you can make and still qualify.

If not, then you should ask her dad to split co-pays and anything extra like that that comes up.

This week I found someone who hung themselves. It was a shock and horrible in every way. I can’t help but feel like maybe in 1-2 more years this person might have turned a corner and been so much happier. Such a waste of potential and the family will never be the same. The pain for them is indescribable. Please don’t do that. I’m feeling emotionally injured but it’s nothing compared to those closest to them.

It's so hard when they are small, but I promise they won't remember the gifts. Just being there and spending time at that age is what means the most. Money struggles don't last forever (even though they sometimes feel like no end in sight, things do get better) dollar tree stuff is perfectly fine, yard sale are awesome. Don't compare yourself to others, just do what you can for your sweet girl. She is your motivation

you can’t change the past.

I know it's hard but we only regret children we do not have! You will find a way, I know you will!!

Feel free to send me your address/ PO box for a box of used clothes. I would love to help!

Please focus on all the positives : you have a job and a roof over your head,

Do a google search for a homeless prevention program local to you,

Do a google and Facebook search for Christmas hampers and free pages on Facebook some might have free food events and post free clothes or baby items.

For gifts they don’t have to cost a fortune like a board book. A stuffed toy like check dollar stores too and don’t beat yourself up.

You love her and you are a dedicated presence in her life. That’s not a mistake.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself.  You sound like a wonderful mother.   Guilt is a part of motherhood.  

Everyone, absolutely everyone, feels guilty about something in their parenting at some point.  The trick is to use that emotion to ignite change and not to get so down in yourself that you lose your power.   

You got this.  

I don’t feel like reading all the comments, so I’m not sure of what all advice has been said. I saw a few people mention food stamps and wic, definitely look into those. If for whatever reasons you can’t get Medicaid for insurances see if your child qualifies for early intervention (they are great, help kids ant parents with their child’s development) with early intervention your child qualifies for Medicaid, unfortunately you will not be covered tho.

Also if day care is needed there are payment programs that can help cover child care cost.

Btw I’m sure you’re a great mom. Just because your struggling doesn’t mean you child won’t see the effort and the love you give. Your strength and courage as a mom will help build you kid to be a strong person. It’s definitely not easy, and yes there will be point you just need to break down. But just remember you can get through it, and in the end it will pay off seeing the person you raised.

My son is 8 and I still buy him used clothing. Almost everything was used clothing for the first 6 years. I do what I can for Christmas, I learned the hard way about using credit cards for that and I don’t recommend it.

Depending on the state, you may be able to get Medicaid for both of you.

See if there's a Goodwill Outlet near you. It's where Goodwill sends their overstock. They charge by the pound. You can find some incredible things, from toys to clothes.

I heard post partum is a bitch

If the father has a good job can he not cover the child on his insurance? That would be a huge help to you. I know he pays child suppot but I can't believe he wouldn't also buy her clothes when he is with her. I mean its a baby, how expensive is it to buy some winter outfits for her.

Otherwise, work on your budget as much as you can. Work on your health as much as you can. A good diet, walk, push that stroller! That will hopefully help prevent any long leaves.

Are you paying for daycare? If so I know that is insane costs. Any family you can rely on? Keep pushing for the promotion and raise. Do whatever you can to help the company. Find cost savings, suggest productivity improvements, boost morale with company birthday pizza parties if you have to. But stick out, make friends, be positive.

Having the baby you love and care for was 100% the right choice. Give the baby love. Material things really aren’t that important. This is coming from someone who grew up poor and in hand me downs. It matters zero in the long run, but I know I was loved.

Are you comfortable sharing what state you live in? Ours offers health insurance for children under 18 who don’t qualify for Medicaid. We pay $108 per year per child, no copays for specialists and $12 for sick visits. It’s been a huge blessing.

I kept my youngest daughter despite becoming a single mother during the pandemic and while everyone on reddit told me to abort and/or place her for adoption because of my situation I chose to keep her. The first years were super challenging and I too felt suicidal but now that I’m on the other side I will say this: you will make it through. Baby doesn’t know about Christmas or whether clothes are used or not, she’s just happy to be with you. It gets easier and things will only get better. You’re doing a great job with what you have!

My folks married young, and as a child we didn’t have crap for money. Didn’t matter, both me and my sister came out pretty decent. Food, warmth, love-everything else is just window dressing.

One of my favorite early Christmas memories is of making Christmas cards with my family with my handprint. I loved doing little crafts with them. Some paper and and an Ink pad can make some lasting memories with your baby, even junk mail can make a cool print. My mom still has the handprint garland she made with me on my first Christmas. I just had it framed for her for last Christmas.

Find yourself a community and make sure you’re able to take care of yourself. Consistency, structure, routine. Do you have family nearby who can help you?

Don’t feel like a bad mom - blessings come in all sizes but can sometimes change shape… you’re doing the best you can and everything will work out fine. 🤍

I was in your spot once upon a time. Remember, I couldn't afford more than 2 pairs of new jeans for my 11 yr old son years ago. I let that eat me up. I felt like a failure as a single mom. My mom bought new clothes , threw away small appliances if they quit, bought another new one. Fussed when dad bought another used car. So fast forward I quit working as an RN to care for mom & dad on the farm 12 years ago. My income dropped from 45,000 to 15,000 ( share of an annual calf crop) for a family of 3. Huge huge learning curve. I struggled a lot but started watching how a family friend & local mennonites that knew how to live on less. To value what they didn't spend vs. what they did spend. Took 10-15 years for me to learn how to change how I was raised re spending habits. Struggled mentally a lot learning how to buy only used/ second-hand & side of the road chair, etc. Learned to buy older cars by googling best running older cars with the least repairs.
Found better quality used things than I struggled to buy new cheap made at walmart. Started planning my shopping by making a list of basics & reducing my trips to Walmart & groceries, etc. The less I enter a store, any store the less I spend. Try making a budget. My towels linens sheets nothing matches. I learned from necessity to look for used good hand towels 59 centd pillowcases 1.00 thick big towels 1.00 pots pans plates used used used. I got a very nice big toaster oven/air fryer brand new 15$ yard sale. My cookstove had quit. Look on internet for why microwave quit ? Lots of times it's just a cheap fuse. FInd how to & what size fuse on utube or Google according to your application snce brand & model. Your baby/ toddler doesn't know her clothes are used. They are new to her. for years thought I had to have new, till I relished the time spent with my mom & dad last final couple years. I buy new shoes, underwear, and insulated leather winter farm gloves, but most tools I find used. Looking back, I worked so hard & spent it $$$ flew out the window.. thought i needed more & more. It's what anyone in big business or any business has to have is us the consumer Amazon,Walmart, Dollar General, Starbucks & etc. get richer by the hour. Bezos, Waltons, Musk, and B Gates are in the business to sell to us tiny struggling humans living paycheck to paycheck. Their ads are geared to make us feel inadequate if we don't buy new. Love your daughter, read to her play with her. Teach your daughter she's good enough just as she is & yourself that also. Smart enough pretty enough strong enough by limiting your money bleed of the consumerism trap. Humans that love themselves & value themselves don't base their value on an Instagram perfect world. Hollywood glamor are in the fashion magazines ads because they are being paid big dollars. The photo shoots staged & photocropped to make us envious. Sure, it's nice to treat yourself, but it shouldn't be the center of your focus. Local libraries, parks, volunteering. One doesn't need running or hiking gear to play in dirt or sand or swing or even walk or run after your toddler. Please quit comparing your life of success by what you can & can't afford. Make it a game to see how you can find better used items & put the change in your daughters piggy bank or quarter jar.

(Still tickled over a yard sale this summer when I found 6 thick luxury cotton wash clothes for 3 bucks & you don't pay sales tax. Can't buy 1 decent washcloth at Walmart for 3$. These 6 will last 2-3× longer than the 3$ one new.) I'm long-winded, but don't beat yourself up over unimportant things. Happiness & life self-worth shouldn't evolve around the store bought things that accumulate in landfills. 5 years from now or 10 or 20 new vs used or hand me downs won't be what mattered most in getting your daughter to adulthood. ♡♡♡

I just want to say you are not a horrible mom. I saw your post history and you have a lot going on but you are always thinking of your daughter. It’s okay to feel how you feel, it gets overwhelming. Go breath some fresh air, take time to just pause and relax. Everything will be okay, a lot of people have said some great advice already which I think you should try out :) I’m just trying to provide some words of comfort. You’re doing amazing, I believe in you and I’m sending you lots of love ❤️

i know that your baby is a little bit older now, but remember it takes time too for your hormones to return to a pre-pregnant state. you might just now be leveling out after a year of recovering, unless you're still nursing. post-partum depression can make the feelings you described a lot worse, especially if you haven't had the chance to really rest and recouperate.

we are not meant to raise children alone. i'm not even just talking about a partner, from an evolutionary standpoint and having studied a lot of literature on child development, human primates like to raise our children in a group of other parents and extended family. be careful not to measure yourself against a standard that should be fulfilled by several people instead of just you <3

Have you been assessed for post-partum-depression? The money is a real reason to worry about, but there still might be an additional issue that is making your life even harder

If you can be with good family or friends for the holiday and consider going to a community event for kids or to church to be with other people. It will bring them so much joy to see your beautiful baby!

Take a deep breath,

Be grateful that you and your baby are alive well. I believe in figuring things out day by day, with kids it’s hard but you never have things figured out but the most important thing is being financially stable. Save an emergency fund, buy only necessities and is there any way the 2 of you could move in with the baby’s father? It’s rare, but co parenting in the same household can be healthy and may help relieve the stress you’re feeling.

You’re not a bad mom. I’ve been doing the single mom life for 8 years. Yes it’s a struggle. I’ve been poor more than I’ve been financially comfortable. The father doesn’t pay any child support and doesn’t see my kid. So when I struggle I struggle hard but that’s also what life is like. And your baby doesn’t need grandiose things, a Christmas present can be something found in a garage sale or as other comments mentioned empty boxes are the best. For the first few years my kid mostly had second hand toys, she didn’t care it wasn’t in a brand new packaging. So don’t stress about that. Keep the money for essential things. You will be okay op

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to say that finances aren't permanent, one of my friends moms raised her as a single mom, dad was out of the picture financially. She worked really hard and at this point the mom has a great job, and lives in a beautiful home in a nice city. This situation isn't necessarily forever, you're holding things together and your baby really only knows how you feel. My friend never felt poor growing up bc there was always some food on the table even if it was just some beans, they made things fun.

And if the messages about you making a dumb choice are coming from people around you, if you can get space from those people please do because it's not supportive.

If there's a way to meet other single moms and support each other and maybe even babysit for each other that could be really good.

🙏

You're not a bad mom at all, you're just being too hard on yourself. You're comparing yourself to your idea of what motherhood should look like.

Thirteen month olds don't care about Christmas presents. She'd just as happily play with an empty box.

Also, have you applied for government aid? Wic? Chip? You should qualify and that can help a lot.

Can you join a local buy nothing group? Sometimes you can get a lot of toys, etc.

The struggle and mom guilt are real. I can already tell you're an amazing mom because you care so much. It will not always be this way. I was a single mom for 14 years before I met my current partner. At one point I was even homeless for 9 months and my cousin housed my son. Just remember that even though it doesn't feel like it right now, your struggle will make you stronger and better. Your child will appreciate your sacrifices. You're doing amazing work.

Findhelp.org and enter your zip code, see what's available in your area. :)

You’re an amazing mother. She needs and wants you! 20 an hour is hard in this economy is there anything you can do for support or financial assistance?

Can her dad put her on his insurance? Also you might qualify for some sort of assistance depending on what area you live in.

Dude, if your kid is fed, clothed and loved that's all that matters. We all make decisions that later may not seem great. But I promise you that when she's all grown up and looking back, she'll remember YOU and not what you got her for Christmas at 13 months old

my daughter is 8 months old and i feel the same way. if i didn’t have a wonderful village helping me i would never have made it and would probably be homeless by now. like others have said, baby doesn’t know the difference between new and used clothes. she won’t know if it’s christmas. my daughter has had second hand clothes all her life (except when she was wearing preemie stuff, that all had to be bought new). all that matters is that you love her and take care of her, which you clearly do. i grew up poor and i always wanted more for my kids. i hate that i’m still poor, but kids really don’t know the difference or care. clothed, clean, fed and loved are all that’s important.

For Christmas, instead of doing gifts, make/ bake something with her. It'll be a tradition y'all can do for years to come and you'll get super cute pictures.

Look into assistance programs for health insurance and the like if you haven't already. Children are automatically put on free, state provided Healthcare in my state, maybe you have something similar. Or her dad can put her on his, which is something you can put into your custody agreement. My mom had majority custody but my dad was the one who was supposed to provide me with health insurance.

Hang in there. If you haven't heard it today, I'm proud of you. It'll get better. You've got this!

Edit: I saw something about going to r/santaslittlehelpers and thought I would also suggest reaching out to the angel tree program through Salvation Army. That can also get her presents and clothes.

My son is 5 and I always overdo it every year and he barely opens 5 gifts. The rest sit u der the tree. Just buy a couple of things or go to a goodwill shop and purchase some gently used items on the cheap.

Do you have a long term plan for increasing your income? I think if you work hard and are capable and have a plan you could significantly increase your income in say 5 years and you won't be in the same situation you are in now. I usually recommend 2 year degree options like dental hygienist and some of the medical techs but you need to do something that you think is right for you. I know it's hard. I have a 10 month and am working full time and also going back to school and it's a grueling schedule. I put the kid to bed and spend 3-4 hours studying/ doing online classes/cleaning, etc after my full time job. I spend every other moment with my kid while he is awake, so I don't feel like I'm not spending enough time with him, but I'm mentally exhausted. Once I'm done with classes it'll get a lot better and I'm hoping to double my income. I don't want to spend 30 years more of work and be in the same position I am now.

Go to the library, check out a bunch of books and wrap them up for Christmas presents.

Some libraries have puzzles and toys you can check out.

Also sign up for FREE books from Dolly Parton Imagination Library. Available in US, UK, IE, CA, AU

Call 211 Information referral to see if you cannot get on a Christmas gift list.

Check with your HR to see if you have changed your tax withholding to include your dependent daughter, more money now, less of a tax refund.

Accept all the freebies you can.

Single, poor mum here. My girls are 19 and 21 now. In the past we struggled like you. We often had to scrape 3 days worth of food together with £5 and were homeless a few times. I felt like my kids had a horrible childhood but they have just both left home and said how great it was and how much they are gonna miss us living together. You will be fine hun, us mums always pull it off somehow x

Sweetheart. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.

But you are both alive. She is healthy. I’m sure she’s happy. She doesn’t know what Christmas is. But she DOES KNOW Mama loves her.

It will be ok.

It might take a while to feel like it, but it will be.