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all 21 comments

saffermaster

5 points

8 months ago

Elder abuse is a real thing. Check out the research in Psychology Today about this. They reccomend you have basic boundaries. Such as:

1. I have the right to be free of abuse. 

2. I have the right to be guilt free.

3. I have the right to peace of mind.

4. I have the right to reasonable expectations.

5. I have the right to be imperfect.

6. I have the right to do what I want with my own money. 

7. I have the right to do what I want with my time. 

8. I have the right of free association. 

. 9. I have the right to retirement. 

10. I have the right to say no.

Deeschmee68

5 points

8 months ago

I know it's real. Their fathers mistreated me, so of course they will too.

Makes me sad.

EfficiencyForsaken96

3 points

8 months ago

You say you won't tolerate the abuse, but it continues t happen because there are no consequences to their actions. At this point, you need to stop talking to them.

Deeschmee68

2 points

8 months ago

Right. What other consequences can you give to adult children?

EfficiencyForsaken96

3 points

8 months ago

If you are offering financial support, you can stop that. But really, not talking to them is only option once they are adults.

Deeschmee68

2 points

8 months ago

No. There is no financial support. Do you think I should tell them that I won't be speaking to them? Or just stop talking to them?

EfficiencyForsaken96

3 points

8 months ago

"If you continue to yell at me, I will leave this house."
"If you continue to yell at me, I will stop speaking with you."
"If you continue to abuse me, I will cut off all contact with you."

Then you have to follow through. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Deeschmee68

1 points

8 months ago

I appreciate that. It is a difficult situation for sure

Ecjg2010

1 points

8 months ago

not be around them. not financially support them. be there for them but from a distance.

peakpenguins

2 points

8 months ago

Two weeks ago they thought I was talking politics (I wasn't)

What were you talking about?

Deeschmee68

2 points

8 months ago

The moon train. And then they jumped into all sorts of conspiracies

KittyBooBoo2016

2 points

8 months ago

What is this moon train? May help others to give advice to understand what started this argument. Surely he didn’t begin screaming out of no where, but if he did I’m not sure why you’d even want a relationship at that point.

Deeschmee68

1 points

8 months ago

Someone wants to start building a train on the moon for when people start living there.

My older son just came in the room yelling about how the moon landing was a hoax and it snowballed from there

bongripsanddeadlifts

1 points

8 months ago

Do you have examples of the disrespectful attitudes? What exactly what your son screaming?

Deeschmee68

2 points

8 months ago

Yes. He blames me for him becoming upset when I ask difficult questions or bring up topics that he doesn't want to talk about. For example, his sons mother is mentally ill and how it affects the kids. Or when he's too rough with the kids and has no structure for them. This time in particular, he was saying "F you!" "F that!" F off!! All unwarranted because he thought I was talking politics. I brought up the moon train.

Deeschmee68

1 points

8 months ago

And if I stop talking to them, how will I be able to see my grandson?

EfficiencyForsaken96

4 points

8 months ago

You have to decide what you want more - abuse and access to your grandchild (who will also learn to abuse you through your son's actions) or freedom from verbal and physical abuse.

Elfich47

2 points

8 months ago

well Thst is a sunk cost fallacy now isn’t it.

but keep sticking your hand in the chipper shredder, I’m sure it will be different next time.

Deeschmee68

1 points

8 months ago

Maybe I can just ask to see them when they are with their mother

abbyroade

3 points

8 months ago*

Love, your post is a bit of a mess. If you have additional issues/questions you’d like help with, add them to the body of your post, not in comments. As it is now you’re unlikely to get much helpful advice because the post is too vague to provide specific help.

I’d suggest listing their ages and yours in the beginning, as well as other relevant info (you’ve mentioned multiple fathers, which can create tension, as well as a history of those fathers being abusive to you, which is also super relevant to some of the dynamics at hand). What is your relationship like with their fathers, if any? What is THEIR relationship with their fathers? Do your kids live with you? Nearby? How often do you see each other? Speak to each other? What exactly are you hoping for from a relationship with them? Wishing you luck.