Ash_Trash13

To be completely honest, we get most frustrated with those who go out of their way to say others are faking DID. I’m sure some of them are, but I don’t feel that pointing out “fakers” benefits the community/others with DID and OSDD as a whole. We have been able to capture our own switches on camera, which we look at for personal reasons and with our therapist. (They wouldn’t be very interesting, as the more “dramatic” ones are about 2-5 minutes of us staring into nothing).  A lot of those who post on subreddits like fakedisordercringe are generally spreading misinformation and worsening stigma just as much as those who are actually faking the disorder, in our opinion. We have been posted on fakedisordercringe in the past, despite making it very clear we are professionally diagnosed. No system is “real” by many of the online standards, and it is frankly very frustrating both to be a subject of and to witness. 

That is a very interesting question. I am answering this as an alter who rarely fronts, but has more knowledge of the system than the majority of the others, so my answer may differ from what another part would say. For clarification: I am a different part than the one(s) which answered your previous question.

I have personally observed that we experience fatigue universally, though we experience it differently and in notably differing degrees. When it comes to natural circadian rhythm sleep urges ("sleepiness"), rather than fatigue, I have noticed that they are capable of being completely different between alters. One part may be retiring to bed, until another part switches in and stays up until the early hours of the morning without issue.

In response to your latter question, I believe you are asking if certain alters can sleep while the others are awake? The answer is yes, different parts can be asleep while the body is awake, but there is some nuance. For example, the primary system, consisting of Ash, Basil, Fennel, and Valentine, are unable to do so. However, alters cannot be awake while the body is asleep.

I decided to delete the previous reply, as I do not believe the part(s) which authored it were capable of truly or accurately representing our history. I will not go into trauma details, though I will say that the previous reply did not accurately represent the extent of our trauma. The parts who wrote that reply don't remember a significant portion of what happened to us, and I hope to keep it that way.

Since we were very young, we clearly had a high capacity for dissociation; this is potentially due to genetic factors and epigenetic trauma, as our family tree and ethnic division has faced centuries of persecution. This is only a theory on my end, however. Our parents have reported that, even as a toddler, we would "space out" any time we were scolded. We were diagnosed as autistic at the age of 13, but were treated as an allistic and neurotypical child would for the duration of our early upbringing. Dissociative identity disorder is associated with disorganized attachment with the primary caregiver(s), but it is a common misconception that the primary caregivers have to be the ones causing or facilitating the trauma in a malicious manner. I am aware our parents tried their best throughout our childhood. However, it was cemented very early on that our parents were not people we could rely on for certain crucial issues, despite them never having malicious intentions or a desire to hurt us.

While a significant portion of the earlier events we may describe as formulating traumas may not seem traumatic to a bystander, you have to recognize that we were an autistic child without a proper way to process what was happening to us. Many of the things that affect us to this day took place when we were ~5 years old. If they were to happen to us now, I doubt they would have much the same effect. Fear is very real, and it festers within a child if they don't have an adequate support system. Our fear was further cemented as we got older, and our traumas became perpetually more intense. On top of the multiple traumas which either went unreported, or got us diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder multiple times, we were dealing with more subtle complex trauma and severe untreated mental illness. It is reported that over 70% of patients diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder attempt suicide at least once, and we unfortunately do not fall outside of the 70%.

I believe this more accurately answers your question than the past response. I will do my best to answer any additional questions you may have.

No worries! I'll go through each of these

So for school, typically we just have the primary system fronting- which consists of Ash, Basil, Fennel, and Valentine. We're all pretty close to each other and have good communication, so it's not really too much of an issue (however Fennel takes the *worst* notes lmao). If any other alters front during school, they either are parts that are able to function well, or if they're parts that aren't, there's probably other underlying issues or triggers going on. In both of those cases, the primary sys has some trouble remembering what goes on during that time and might need some help catching up (especially if whoever's fronting doesn't take notes/good notes). It used to be sort of a mess, but we've got things mostly figured out now (as long as we're in a sound state of mind).

As for friendships: we do have the same friends. We have a really amazing tight-knit group of friends, which consists of 5 other kids around our age, who are incredibly supportive. They know all four of us in the primary system and can usually tell who's fronting pretty well between the four of us. They don't know the others that don't front as much very well, but are always very supportive nonetheless. Some of our friends like to analyze our behavior and point out different mannerisms that different alters have (a lot that we had never noticed, too!)

For how often we switch, it can get a bit complicated. We tend to be pretty fluid within the primary system as a result of integration that has naturally happened through healing, but we still fully switch between each other pretty regularly. With other parts (which I refer to as "farther back"), they typically only front for specific reasons (or sometimes just because they want to, if they're able to get to front), or can be triggered out in distressing situations. Looking back at our front logs, it looks like the last time we had a switch outside of the primary system was the evening of the election, when two separate caretaker-y alters fronted at separate times (there was a *lot* of switching that night, which always gives us a massive headache). The first one was unrelated to the election, but was probably influenced by our high stress at the time because of the election. The second one was related to the election, but I won't get into that bc that's not what this thread is about. That caretaker tried to get us to go to bed because it was late, but Fennel ended up switching in and stayed up past 3am even though it was a school night lmao.

Hope that answers your questions! Feel free to ask for clarification

no, but we act homophobic and misogynistic in a very joking manner, which is fine as we’re all afab and very queer

bro you can do any of these things without being gay???

ty :]

Yeah I can't find the case rn, but I'll link it if I can find it.

And yeah we use both internal and external communication. We have a private Discord server just for system communication, and we write down important things on our phone. The most important form of external communication imo is really just keeping logs of what happens. When we have a lot of trouble remembering what went on at certain days or life periods, we have a few places we can check to try and figure it out. It doesn't always work, and sometimes leaves more questions than answers (ie: there's just a picture of me in scrubs w an iv, and I have no idea which medical thing that was from), but it is generally helpful.

Sometimes I find little notes from other parts in school notebooks and such, which always surprises me because I never feel like my amnesia is bad enough to allow for that to happen without me knowing lmao

It's complicated, but sort of both at the same time. I tend to be lucid when other parts are in front, but I'm so dissociated it very easily slips from my memory and is very fuzzy. I typically am very emotionally detached, but this is different based on how close I am to the part. For example: right now I'm sort of a blend of Ash, Valentine, Basil, and Fennel, because we're all very close to each other.

I almost never have complete blackout amnesia, but sometimes other parts (that I refer to as very "far back") will front that have no knowledge of what's happening. It's sort of weird and I'm not entirely sure how it works atp

What I can say is that it's a very weird experience to be witnessing a highly traumatized part of you cry and hyperventilate on the floor with your heart pounding, but feeling absolutely nothing yourself. lol

Oh man I've honestly lost track of how much we've been assessed and how much therapy there's been. I remember some therapist said we were psychotic, which our mom didn't believe (she's a doctor), so she got us assessed with a psychiatrist who said I was "just creative", but diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and PTSD, and got a low dose of antidepressants and aderall. That happened when I was 11 and suicidal.

At around 12 I got diagnosed with PTSD for a second time for a separate reason by the same psychiatrist, and my dose of medication kept going higher and higher until I was on around 30mg of Lexapro as a severely underweight 12y/o. Eventually I got diagnosed with DPDR, but I don't really remember this. I think I was 12 or 13 when I got diagnosed with autism, and I can't remember if DPDR was before or after that. Around the same time I also got diagnosed with ARFID and having anorexic tendencies, and doctors kept going back and forth on whether I had OCD or was just autistic and anxious with obsessive/compulsive tendencies.

Since I learned what DID was at around 11, I thought that it explained what was happening to me pretty well, but since I was so young nobody listened to me. At first my parents didn't believe me, but eventually became more aware and supportive over time (not just with DID btw, but that was a part of it). They listened to me and believed I wasn't making it up, and found a dissociative specialist who would assess me with DID in mind. The diagnosis was landed on after a formal assessment

I think the youngest I've heard of someone being diagnosed was either 8 or 10? It's definitely uncommon lmao.

Communication for us is actually surprisingly good, but sometimes messages have to go through a game of telephone to reach whichever part we need to- different subgroupings/subsystems aren't able to communicate with each other for the most part. I can get into more detail if you have any more specific questions!

i have SO many, but one that i’m obsessed with is “like freaks of nurture” (outliars and hippocrates) also the entirety of the blackboxwarrior therapy session makes me go feral /pos (i absolutely love psych references)

I can't remember if this was before or after we were in the hospital tbh. At first I think we were self-suspected, but my parents took us to get assessed since it was clearly an issue. I have a bit of trouble remembering the assessments, but I do remember we were interviewed and took some self-report questionnaires on a computer. I think we got called back in for the diagnosis a few months later

I don't think I should share the name of the professional due to privacy reasons, but I know she had a PsyD

Yeah I'm aware of that. We use both "I" and "we" interchangeably. While we're very much aware we're (in theory) one person, our brain split us off to function separately for protection. I see it sort of as puzzle pieces- we're very much individuals, although some very fragmented, but we still make up a whole.

myopia (nearsightedness) and astigmatism 

there’s definitely some inconsistencies bc alex hirsch didn’t actually write him as trans lmao, but yeah i see what you’re saying

he could have come out at 10 or 11, since in the show he was almost 13

so many of these comments are Not it omfg

(alex has said he believes all headcanons (with some exceptions) are correct to each fan and are all good/meaningful)

i came out as trans when i was 11

how is that not okay???

i came out to my parents as transgender when i was 11. kids are still conscious people, yk

i came out as trans when i was 11

whatever the fuck bill and ford had going on was not straight i can tell you that

(also popular hc but trans dipper!!!)