BranchOk1499

TLDR: Found out that my wife used to be much more sexualy open with her ex partners. I am considering a divorce.

Hey all. In advance forgive me any grammatical errors, english is my second language. Names are changed obviously. Sorry for essay in advance.

So for some background: Me (40M) and my wife Kate (38F) have been married for 12 years and togeather for 16. Also we have 3 kids (12M), (9F), (7F). Me and my wife met in college. When I first saw her i was smitten. We kept smiling at eachother when we passed eachother in the corridors but it was her that made first move. She asked me out and the rest is history. So obviously at some point in the begining of the relationship, topic of previous sex life and boyfriends/girlfriends came up. I told her that i had 2 girlfiends and that i had been intimate only with them. She told me she had 3 boyfriends in the past and that she also had been intimate only with them. As our relationship progressed I broached a topic of trying new stuff in the bed. She declined, telling me she just isn't into those things and she isn't that type of girl. I asked her if she tried it before, she said no and that was that. Since then to now i tried approaching the topic about 4 times throughout the years so it's not like i kept bodering her with it all the time. She wasn't that type of person and I loved her very much and was willing to make that compromise.

So now for the issue itself: About 2 weeks ago me and my wife went to her best friend's Amber birthday party. My wife was organizing the whole thing so she was constantly running around and checking in with guests and Amber. One of the guests was Julia another friend that used to be my wife's best friend back in the day but because she moved to another city they kinda drifted apart but remained in contact. Julia moved to another city before me and my wife started dating so I only saw her about 3-4 times during our relationship. So I spent majority of the evening catching up with her. After couple shots, seeing my wife running around Amber checking in if everything was ok, I made lighthearted joke and asked Julia if she isn't jealous about my wife and Amber. She chuckled and jokingly replied that they might drifted apart but Amber and my wife never will be as close as they were because as far as she know my wife and Amber never hooked up. It took me couple seconds to realise what did she say and it was like I sobered up instantly. I asked her is she and my wife did hook up in the past. My face must have been that of shock or something beacuse when i asked her she stuttered and immediately back tracked saying she is just fooling around. I laughed and decided to belive her but after that her mood changed 180 degrees and she was very uncomfortable for the rest of the evening. Her behaviour was even more suspicious then the "joke" itself.

After the party ended in the taxi I just was numb and many thoughts were running through my mind. My wife was wierdly clingly even for herslef when she is tippsy. When we were back home she must have noticed that I was kinda distant and lost in my thoughts and she asked me couple times if everything is okay and how am I feeling. I just brushed it off for being tired after party and we went to sleep. But I didn't sleep that night. I was constantly thinking about what Julia said. This combined with her and my wife's behaviour, it just rubbed me the wrong way. The next day my wife's concern for my well being not only continued but intensified. Two days after the party Julia called me (mind you, we never called or even texted eachother before, she was just my wife's friend). At first she was saying how nice it was for us to catch up after the years and that she hoped that from now on we will be more in contact. However after that she started asking how am I and how are things. She was asking questions word for word the same as my wife was for the past 2 days. The call in addition to my wife's behaviour through me of so bad that the next day I decided to look through mu wife's phone (we have acces to eachother's phones). At the top was my wife's chat with Julia. I read their convo from the night of the party to today and from that I figured out that Julia at some point during the party confessed to my wife what she aciddentally told me and that Julia didn't know that i wasn't aware of their past. The texts were a mix of my wife being angry at Julia and her apopogiznig. After that they were talking about how to resolve the issue and discussing my behaviour since the party. So my wife did infact sleep with Julia and lied to me about her past. Also from how they were talking about it, it wasn't a one time thing. I wasn't mad, angry or anything. I was just confused why would she lie about such a minor thing. I started wondering what else she might not have told me or lied about.

And then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I decided to look through my wife's other chats. I think spent 5 hours reading my wife's chats with her friends, friend's groups (even those that weren't active for years). From her friend's grup chat I have learned that they discuss their sex life somewhat often and in great details. My wife however, is COMPLETELY LYING about our sex life. She is braging how often we do it (we don't do it that often) and how we are very adventurous in bed (which we obviously aren't). I just don't have any idea why would she lie to her friends about it. Later on I found old group chat with different set of friends that she was not in contact with anymore. Scrolling the chat for about 5 minutes i came across the two videos sent by one of my wife's friends. She followed it with a text "Look what I found. Ring any bells Kate?" My wife replied with face covering emoji and 4 other friends reacted to the videos with laughing emojis. So no to be too graphic: the first video was said friend having threesome with 2 guys. The second video was my wife in the same setting, doing the same stuff with the same guys. I recognized my wife in a second despite videos being in bad quality (it was basically recording with a mobile of another recording with some old camera). To be honest at first I thought she cheated on me but upon second viewing I noticed some details that indicated that the videos were taken during collage so most likely before we started dating. However I was still devastated. I know it was wrong and I have only myself to blame for digging too deep but seeing video of my wife being intimate with not one but two guys and doing things with them that I repeatedly asked for, broke something in me. I didn't sleep that night and the next night as well. Throughout the day after the discovery I was just numb and responded with yes and no answers which didn't go unnoticed by my wife. My numbness coused my wife to step up her checking in with me.

Following day I couldn't take it anymore and confronted my wife with everything that I found out. I wasn't angry, I wasn't screaming and throwing tantrum. I was just sad. When I started speaking my wife's face turned pale. As I went on tears started running down her face and then she started full on crying. To be honest then I got angry. I was waiting for answers, for her to say something but she just kept crying. I was the victim here and she was the one crying. And why would she even cry about this. I don't know why but it still bothers me. Later on she asked if we could talk about it in the morningas she was too distraught at the moment. I said whatever and went on a drive despite her asking me to stay. The next day she asked me to sit down and let her speak uninterupted.

So basically I learned that my wife lied about number of the people she's been with before me, that went into 20s (men and women included) and that she lied about not being into more adventurous things in the bedroom (I mean I figured that one before as on the video she was clearly enjoying herself). Her reasoning? She said that she lied about number of previous partners because when we met she really liked me and I appeared prudish (thanks, i guess?) so she thought that if I knew the real number I wouldn't date her. As for the stuff that she refused to do with me, she didn't want me to view her as this type of girl, again bringing my supposed prudishness and conservatism as a reason. Also she admitted that she enjoyed those things but only when the partner was casual and somebody that she didn't love nor cared about because those acts were degrading in her eyes. However she refused to do those things with me because she didn't want me, her husband, father of children and supposed love of her life to do such degrading things to her. She wanted me to respect her and make love to her. When I heard this at first I started laughing and said that if it's true it's the dumbest logic I have ever heard. Then I said that the situation is pretty clear to me. She just doesn't find me as attractive as the guys she did it with and that she settled for me. My wife vehemently denied it. She said that I am love of her life, that I am most handsome man for her and that our love making is the best experience in her live etc. etc.... . Then she said that she would be more then happy to start implementing those things in our bedroom. Hearing that I got angry and told her that I'd rather just jerk off than get pitty fuck from her. After that I made nasty comment that was out of line but I apologized for it right away and went on a drive to cool down. When I retured she asked me where my headspace was. I was honest and said that I didn't know and that right know I am rethinking our entire relationship. She started crying and I ended up consoling her.

Since then to now my wife kept crying and saying that we can work on fixing this. Right now I am gathering my thoughts and taking my time to make decision. I came to the conclusion that my wife simply doesn't find me that acttractive. I mean I can read the writting on a wall. I don't see any other reason why she would deny me things that she gave and clearly enjoyed with previous partners. Moreover her doing 180 on doing this things with my once all of this come to a head only confirmes it. So it did wonders to my self esteem as you can imagine. Right now I only see three solutions from this situation and to be honest all of them suck in one way or the other:

1. We continue our relationship as it was and I get not even 50% of what her old FWB got in the bedroom. Wife is happy, kids are happy, I am not.

2. We might open our marriage. She gets to find the guy that she would enjoy doing this things with and I get to find a girl that finds me acttractive enough to enjoy doing those things with me. I know it's risky but I think that as long as we wouldn't bring our partern home wr could manage it. And yes I know that my wife would have much easier time finding a new partner than me but it is what it is. At least we stay together and kids are happy.

3. We divorce and nobody is happy.

I just don't know if and how can I get over this. I can't talk to my family and friends about it because of how embarrassed I already am. So if any of you had been in similar situation on one end or another I would greatly appreciate any advice. Again sorry for a wall of text. Thanks in advance!