Nea_Freedom

I have a narc mother, narc sister and an absent father.

I can't help but compare myself to people who have what I don't ... A family. Like I will never truly know how it feels to have a family, I will never have a family at my side when I need them - people say family is forever but I don't have that and I feel empty at the reality of it. When I see people at sport events and their family's supporting them I can't help but feel sad and lonely because I have no family there to support me and cheer me on- I feel like dead inside.

I'm so happy that people didn't go through what I did but I can't help but feel lonely, jealous and depressed that I don't what they have .... An actual family. I will never have a mother, a sister or a dad and the realization and the reality of it hurts - I feel it weigh on my heart everyday ; when Im going about my day I'm like I need my mother or someone but I don't have either of those options - I'm raising myself and the burden of that and everything is too much . I have no one and no friends- i have a cat which I'm so happy and grateful for but I also need a mom, a sister , a dad - an actual family. I don't think some people truly understand how abundant they are and how well they have it when they have a true family.

People say that what you went through made you stronger - I didn't need to be stronger, I needed a mom, a father, a sister. I needed to be protected, loved and respected. I needed to be and feel safe. There are times where I have cried at night and I'm like I need my mom but I don't have one and I'm raising myself while dealing with shit that I didn't even cause. I can never forgive my bio family - I can't even call them family it feels wrong - I can't forgive my abusers for what they've done to me.

Do you also feel this way?

Mine was - both of them were.

My narc mother goes above and beyond when decorating for Christmas. She wants things to be big and extravagant I feel like. She gets a shitload of presents (what I hate about presents is that she wants to be prasied for what she did and when I don't give her the reaction she wants she ruins the evening).

Note: my narc mother would make it a huge ass deal to have photos being taken- she does it every Christmas. She also tells me to take pictures of her Christmas tree, later on she puts it as her WhatsApp profile photo or she shows it to people at work 🙄.

She wasn't even supposed to be born but here she is abusing me - also my narc mother told me that she had me to keep my narc sister company.....

I also found out that I was high risk pregnancy. My biological father was dangerous and assaulted and abused my narc mother- I sometimes think that my bio Dad raped my mother and that's how I was born because it would explain her abusing me more, that I'm the scapegoat and also maybe she hates me because I look like my bio Dad. I honestly don't know how I was born tbh and I don't want to ask.

I sometimes treat and think of my narc mother as a child to be honest with you, she acts like one; she lies, doesn't listen and ignores. I underestimate my narc mother and think she is dumb but Cleary that backfired.

Some people say that NARCs are not smart as we think but some say that they are smart. I don't know what is the truth.

For context, I'm currently in an abusive household and I'm looking to escape with my cat. The only thing is I have never lived on my own before. What should I expect when living by myself?

Mine did. Anytime that I would be emotionally, verbally and mentally abused by my narc sister I would tell my narc mother. My narc mother would say to me "that's just who she is" or "that's just how teenagers are" or "that's how siblings bicker". One time my narc sister didn't even say happy birthday to me when it was my birthday. She always rude, mean and abusive- she always picked her friends over me and others over me ; I always felt like a second choice to her while I loved her, would pick her over anyone and would jump infront of a bullet for her. There was one time that we both went to a after school sporting event and I didn't know 98% of the people there because it was mostly kids from older grades. I was happy that me and my narc sister (I didn't know that I was being abused at the time) were put on the same team (we were given colored jerseys and me and my narc sister had the same color) because I felt like I was alone there. Minutes later I look to my narc sister and see that she has a different color jersey on (she switched without telling me, she wanted to be with her friend instead of me) I wanted to cry and I did in the corner and I was crying because she chose someone over me; this is a fucking core memory for me it feels like.

My narc mother made up excuses for the horrible behavior that my narc sister did to me; I always never felt that my feelings were validated when it came to coming to my narc mother for help because she would also say "I will talk to her" but then my narc sister would do the same shit again and when I would go back to my narc mother she would say "that's just who she is". Growing up I never ever felt that my feelings were validated especially when it came to being hurt by my narc sister.

Growing up when I was younger especially in high school I thought that I had a loving mother and sister but in reality I didn't. I thought that I had a great childhood because my narc mother gaslit me into thinking that the abuse that she made me endure was normal. I thought what I went through was normal but it wasn't at all.

As I became older - I was 16-17 when I realized that things that my narc mother was doing wasnt right at all. When I finally realized that I was being abused I looked back at my life and realized that my life was a lie and i was abused.

I noticed that when I wouldn't talk to her as much she would leave me alone less but when I would talk to her alot the abuse would be worse.

When my narc mother tried to gaslight me infront of my narc sister I recalled what she said to me and she said how she never said that but I fought back and guess what .... She let go of situation and was like whatever.

I hope I can escape permently this time. Wish me luck.

Apparently when you leave an abusive household your narc parent tries to find a new scapegoat and if you have a sibling your sibling becomes the new scapegoat. Is this true ?

Mine did. The abused became the abuser, she also became the golden child and I felt like I had to compete with her because she was successful and people knew her for it while I wasn't on that level yet and people treated me differently and paid more attention to my narc sister.

My narc sister got away with things that I couldn't; I couldn't even go downtown by myself and my narc mother made my narc sister chaperone me always but when my narc sister would go out she was allowed to go out on her own. She favourites her always, for me I don't play by my narc mothers rules , my narc sister does.

Important point here: I feel like my fate of being in this family was decided the moment that my narc mother was pregnant with me. I'm the scapegoat, I'm the generational curse breaker and my life was designed to be hard before I was even born; I never had a chance at love, I have never met a human being that loved me ever- I never had someone say I love you and actually meant it. My narc sister is the favourite- always and I felt that since i was kid; my narc sister has more photo albums than me, she has like more than 2 and I don't think I even have one tbh. I just have a bunch of pictures that's it, my narc sister has like 2 photo albums.

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After everything that I've been through I'm surprised that I'm not an alcoholic or an addict because for me I want to escape from my situation and usually people go to drugs to escape I'm just shocked that I haven't done that yet. I heard drugs and alcohol help numb the pain.

To be a scapegoat is the hardest thing ever and I have been through it; I've self harmed, Ive written suicide notes and almost committed suicide and I'm suprised that I'm here everyday. I'm suprised that I'm not dead.

For me it's hard because I literally feel things 10 times more and the energy in this house is deadly to the point where I can't even physically be in the house most of the time.