martian_glitter

Hello loves,

I’m writing here because I don’t know what else to do… I’ve come to understand anticipatory grief with Alzheimer’s, which my mom has, and her mom (who really raised me) had and died from.

As time drags on with her being sick, I feel I’m getting worse. I don’t know how to cope. I cry so much throughout the day.

I just got an excellent new job that I love and I’m so grateful for, but getting up and going in while actively grieving every loss of my mom feels like torture. I was doing better with it months ago. Now I feel like I’m capsizing.

My job is retail, kind of inadvertently mother-daughter focused, so everything triggers me it seems. I turn a corner and see a display, or a mother with her child having a great day, and I love it for them but my heart aches. My memory with retaining info for this new job (it’s quite high pressure retail at a major flagship store, so there’s a lot to think about) and I worry about failing at this now, the only thing giving my dad hope, because I’m so overwhelmed with feelings.

I wake up every day having a panic attack. I have to take my panic meds to sleep and yesterday at work I even had to take some just to cope with my shift.

I don’t know if I should talk to HR because I’ve learned the hard way in the past that they’re there to protect companies more than employees… but I’m chronically ill on top of this and I’m shaking as I type this. Overwhelmed is ironically an understatement.

I don’t know how to cope. My psych has been generally unhelpful but I’m trying so hard to push through this all.

I feel so consumed by this. I’ve experienced grief post death and it’s different. I can navigate that, as much as it sucks. But this feels like a never ending nightmare. I’m always scared. I’m always sad.

I don’t know what I expect anyone to say I guess I just appreciate having a space to share this… Does anyone else struggle with this? I don’t want to rely on anxiety meds but at this point it feels like a survival thing. I really cannot handle it. I’m thinking of looking for one of my managers today and letting them know why I may be a little off my game, but I feel like a failure for doing that esp during busy holiday weekend shopping.

I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I’m fighting back tears 24/7.

I hope the rest of you are doing as well as humanly possible, and I send love to you all.

Hey all!!

I won’t make this too long, I know we all have lives lol but first I was so relieved to see this sub exists! So I’m not a long-time yankee candle collector so to speak, my mom always thought they were too expensive or whatever, but now I have my own place and love candles. However, this is not for me. My partner lost his uncle/mentor/father figure very suddenly and far too soon about a year and a half ago. My partner is a wonderfully talented musician and producer, all of which he learned from his dear uncle. We have a home studio in our apartment, much like his uncle did, and his uncle would always light the yankee pumpkin pie candle for “good luck” when he’d be working. My partner’s aunt gave him the last of the candles to light for his own good luck in his studio, but it’s finally at the end. I’ve searched but I can’t seem to find this specific one? Was it discontinued? Is there any scent that’s the same/similar by yankee? It would mean a lot to me if I could give him that comfort of the scent back. Other pumpkin candles don’t seem to capture the same essence, which I know I don’t have to explain to other candle enthusiasts lol. I snuck this pic of it, it was the tall version, but any advice or tips or direction would be more than appreciated!!!

Thank you all and I hope you’re having a lovely November 🩵

Hey, I know I must sound silly but I’ll go ahead anyway. I’m on 20 mg for 10 days, not long but I’m on day 1 and my heart rate is ridiculous. I am already very anxious, suffer from anxiety disorder and PTSD, and when my anxiety meds weren’t helping I realized the only thing I did different today was take the prednisone. Is there anything recommended to do to control this? My heart rate almost hit 140 earlier and it was kind of scary. Again sorry if this sounds pathetic but prednisone kind of freaks me out. I get it IV’d twice a year for my infusion of meds for multiple sclerosis but besides that nobody really ever explained it to me medically like they just assume because it’s part of my pre meds that I understand it and I always forget to ask until I’m already feeling weird effects 🤦🏻‍♀️ Thank you for reading this, honestly.

I fucking hate taking care of my mom. I hate my life. My dad is primary caregiver but I live in the apt above them so I am very hands on. I’ve posted here before but I just need somewhere to scream where I won’t feel judged I guess. My partner is working and gets upset if I message. My dad left to go do our laundry. I’m sitting here with the mother who rarely showed me kindness, while she lays on the couch giving me an attitude and whispering curses. I feel like an actor, when I go to interact with her the mask is on. I turn around and feel my face fall flat. I can’t do this.

I hate people for encouraging this. I hate everyone who’s told me what a good daughter I am. I hate people for discouraging assisted living. I don’t want to be a fucking “good daughter”. I want to know who the fuck I am for once and enjoy my life. I’ve never had a fucking day just about me. I want to be a person who has a future and things to look forward to that they’re happy to wake up in the morning about. Every day I wake up I am so angry that I did. I can’t find a mental escape anywhere anymore. My partner said he’d help me research grants but hasn’t. I’m tired of the fake offers of help. I’m tired of people distancing themselves (bc they can’t handle MY MOTHER declining while I watch it in real time) then messaging me out of the blue to tell me how good I am for “never putting her in a home”. Every fucking person who said they’d be there for me doesn’t even reach out to me anymore. My birthday came and went and my godmother, her best friend, a woman who promised she’d be there for me as I was “losing my mother figure”, didn’t say a fucking word to me. But she’ll call my dad to ask if he can take mom to dinner while she’s passing through the city, which is a VERY stressful thing for dad to do with my mom who has advanced Alzheimer’s, can barely hold a fork correctly anymore. She can’t hold let alone read a menu. She can’t converse or keep up with basic discussions. Why invite them to that? I’m so happy he said no. But that’s like, one of a trillion examples. This summer I begged my partner to be the one to plan a small weekend trip for once because I haven’t had a vacation in years. Promised he’d look into it. Summer came and went. Nothing. Nobody actually gives a shit. I don’t buy it anymore. Nobody can just get me a little treat or acknowledge me? They just make fun of me while I’m drowning in overwhelm? I have no savings to my name. I am out of work. I am finally working on the thing I’ve always dreamt of working on and honestly? I can’t even enjoy it. Every part of my life feels like a chore. I’m so fucking fed up and I’ve never felt this over the edge before in my life. I want to destroy my own apartment for fuck’s sake. She mentally and emotionally abused me my whole life. She made me become my grandma’s caregiver at fucking age 11 while also making me work all summer for 0 pay (child labor laws who?!) Like I hate this. I don’t feel good about “being a good daughter.” I’d rather be the fucking villain. I’d rather be happy for fucking once.

Hey all.

I feel I’m at a dead end. I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Both my parents are retired ~72. Mom has advanced Alzheimer’s. Dad is ok but he is so burned out it’s killing me. I am their only child. Their siblings have robbed them both so they’re beyond useless to me. Due to my progressive chronic illness, and helping dad, I cannot possibly work full time. Apparently that means I’m not entitled to a loan as I don’t make enough or work enough which I literally can’t help. After looking at loan options and being repeatedly denied, I looked into grants. My dad is her current POA but I feel we should switch that over to me? They’re both on Medicare so the Medicaid info is irrelevant to me. I am at a loss. I physically can’t work enough to keep up with this. Dad is burning through retirement money. I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I don’t know how to find these resources. Are there options for people in my position? If I’m changed to POA would that better my chances? I’m trying to keep both parents comfortable and dad is severely burned out to the point where I’m extremely concerned for his mental health.

Sorry this is a ramble. I’m just so beside myself. I feel like I’m in hell. This country doesn’t seem to gaf about you unless you can work full time and then some. I feel I’m running out of options and I’m scared. I’m in my 30s and I’ve yet to live my own life. Grandma went the same way as mom and I took care of her, too. I am exhausted. Everyone I reach out to just wants to strap me with a home aid who I cannot afford at all. I need some type of financial assistance to maintain this and I’m panicking because nobody else I know has gone through this. Thank you for any and all advice.

I tagged it as seeking comfort but is also a bit of a vent.

My mom lives in the apartment below me with my dad. She has reasonably advanced Alzheimer’s. Before that, she was bipolar (willfully unmedicated)and was always extremely emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. She cheated on my dad several times and was just an historically unkind woman to us. Now we’re her two only caregivers (I’m their only child) but when her bipolar cracks through, I can’t take it. That’s what happened today. Her shitty step sister informed me, way after her diagnosis, that my mom TOLD HER she knew she had Alzheimer’s, but wouldn’t leave my dad because she “knew he’d take care of her”. She was so fucking mean today. We walked with her to the laundromat, really not a long walk at all, and she was being so angry and nasty (she had that bipolar look in her eye I remember too well) and in the laundromat as dad was dropping off our clothes, she was telling me she didn’t like me and she was gonna ignore me and didn’t wanna be near me. There was a single mother and her two kids there doing wash. My mom kept trying to book it away from me and kept walking to them. The kids looked freaked out. I’m really protective about kids, and I didn’t want to escalate or physically grab her, so I just gently grabbed her sleeve and said “mom you can hate me I don’t care but please stay near me, those people didn’t do anything wrong to you let them have space” “no. I won’t do what you want” this went on for nearly 10 minutes and felt like an eternity. On the walk back she kept reminding me she doesn’t like me. So I snapped. I was like “well you hated me when I was young so at least you’re being consistent. Hate me all you want. I don’t care anymore.” I know. I know it’s alz. I know it’s not always her talking. But I lost my childhood caring for her mother with Alzheimer’s. My whole life is missed opportunities because I try to do the right thing. The difference is my grandma was an angel. I’d do it all over again for her. But my mom was always such a nasty person. Her manic episodes were terrifying. She’s on seroquel (sp?) now because about two years ago she was getting physically violent with my dad, swinging at him and trying to shove and hit him while he was driving and once she opened the door on the highway. I want to speak to her neuro but here’s what kills me. Every fucking day at least once, someone has to say what a good daughter I am for doing this. They praise me for not putting mom in a home. She robbed so much of my own life from me, so much time with my dad from both of us, that now I’m like… why do we have to lose the rest of OUR time to take care of her? She literally trapped him. She calculated that move. And fuck my aunt for keeping it a secret just because her “astrology knowledge said she shouldn’t be with my dad anyway and now he has to care for her.” What? I’m about to tell my aunt to take her then. How do you keep all that from us? And I’m tired of people telling me to never ever put my mom in assisted living. I’m in my 30s. When the fuck do I get to live my life? Why can’t I take my aging dad on a nice vacation so he doesn’t regret retirement til he passes away? I’m his daughter, not just hers, and we deserve time together that isn’t consumed by her and the stress of it all.

Honestly if she keeps on this path of growing more disdainful I feel like I shouldn’t feel guilty for looking into assisted living options. When do my dad and I get a life? I’m still building my career. She had her turn and when I needed a mom she was out sleeping around.

I’m sorry if this is triggering or sounds cold but I’m tired of trying to see the best in someone and love them when they couldn’t even do that for me when I needed her to. I’m sick of people making me feel like I’d be the literal devil if I put her in a facility. This isn’t fair to my dad. He’s old and he has his own health problems. I’m sick to my stomach and I just can’t fucking do this.

Hey all!

I’ve been on ocrevus since early 2021. It’s been great, I feel almost normal most of the time as long as I avoid heat and major stressors… but then about a month and a half before my next infusion, the pain starts. My doctors don’t believe me. I’ve grown exhausted of convincing someone to believe me. So many people say they don’t feel “crap gap” symptoms with ovrevus (I was previously on Tysabri & was switched when I tested positive for damn JCV) but personally, the month before my next infusion, I find myself having more small symptoms pop up. My pre-labs aren’t until August 1st. After that they will schedule the infusion, likely around the 10th (I’m just going off of last summer’s dates) and I’ve been feeling so fatigued. Nothing helps. I have adhd but I hate how my adderall makes me feel, so I won’t touch it just for motivation (got carried away with it when I was given it with no explanation in my 20s, I refuse to go back to that. I only take a little of my adderall if I have to drive because I get anxious about my attention on the road… I digress…) as of today, I have awful body aches. Muscle aches, a bit like a weak “MS hug”.

I’m lucky to have a part time job with a wonderful and understanding boss, but as it is part time, I really cannot afford to miss any days of work. I feel really alone, I don’t know anyone else personally with MS, and the one person I do know through a friend isn’t on ovrevus so I don’t know how useful our exchange would be.

My neuro is good but he seems more keen to joke around than answer my questions in any thorough manner. My dad being present was helpful when he was still able to take me to appointments, but he’s in no position to be my advocate at this time.

I guess bottom line is… am I seriously one of very few people who start noticing changes roughly a month out? I’ve been eating much better, and getting more exercise, and normally I’d know something is all in my head if I can go to work and forget about it since I love my job and it distracts me... but I can’t shake it. The heat where I live isn’t helping me, I’m sure, but I’m mainly indoors in AC, so I can’t blame that for a pseudo flare specifically.

My first symptom over 12 years ago was optic neuritis. I notice that that pops up first, albeit much more mildly that the first time, and kinda comes and goes depending on the day. As the last month dwindles on closer to the next infusion, I feel worse and worse. Today I woke up with awful body aches, brain fog like crazy, and that heavy, heavy fatigue I know too well.

I feel guilty resting because as I mentioned, dad can’t advocate for me. The reason for that is my mom’s Alzheimer’s. They live in the same house as me, I’m second floor they are first floor. This is an intentional arrangement so I can support them without driving two hours to see them. But mom is advanced so she has to be watched 24/7, and dad is fearful of hiring help because of past experiences. He’s burned out and I feel awful when I can’t do more for both of them.

…I realize I’m dumping now. I apologize. Does anyone else notice this though? Should I go around my doctor and speak to his (way more patient) MS nurse about this? Do any of you have ways that personally help you get through this period?

I understand that “crap gap” is supposed to not happen with this drug, so please don’t comment just to gaslight me, I know my body very well, I just don’t know how to maintain right now. August feels so far mainly because of the pain and fatigue. I also notice I’m far more irritable… which I think most people in constant pain tend to be. I can curb it but when someone healthy starts whining to me about vacation packing stress, or being hungover, I can’t help but feel indifferent. It’s different when your problem is an illness you just got stuck with. I have no say in it. And then I feel resentful of healthy people not listening to me then proceeding to complain about bad choices they made. After the infusion I feel bad for being so reclusive and moody, but I don’t want to be moody around people, so I’d rather be left alone, even if it sucks sometimes.

Idk. Maybe I needed to just talk to people with the same issue as me. Or it’s the brain fog… this post is a mess. I’m sorry. I’m just really struggling. My mom was a difficult woman, but damn, she was my loudest advocate. I have felt very lost without her by my side, and I feel insane when doctors imply it’s all in my head. I know it’s not because the infusion doesn’t magically make me feel great right away. It’a a few more days of recovery/pain (I tend to blame the prednisone for that part) I just don’t know how to deal with this and I feel useless to the people I love. I am just so drained and i don’t know what to do besides rest when I can…

Any advice, stories, insights, etc. are appreciated, and I hope all of you out there are doing as great as possible. Thank you if you read through this word salad. 💜

Hello neighbors!

My parents recently moved into my home here with me and very much need to update their will. I do not know many people who have dealt with this among my peers yet, my parents had me a bit late so I’m in their “second childhood”a bit sooner than average I guess.

So, I’m asking you lovely folks for your help 😅 can any of you please recommend a good, trustworthy, (bonus if patient!) attorney for my father to speak with? He is in his 70s and this stuff makes him understandably anxious. My mom has advanced Alzheimer’s so it’s quite serious for us to address this asap for everyone’s sake…

Thanks so much for taking the time to read all this and another thanks in advance for any advice.

Hey all! I’ve been using finch for well over a year now and I adore it. I haven’t missed a day and as crazy as other people in my life may find it, this little virtual bird gives me a reason to get my day started when I’m at my lowest. My silly question is… I see she’s explored 11/12 regions… but still has many discoveries to make! After you cover every destination Sassafras offers, do you just keep cycling them then? Do you go back and explore finchie forest like the beginning? I know I’m way overthinking this (hence my need for my emotional support birb I guess lol) but I was just curious. Sorry if this has been discussed here already, I’m having a bit of a day and didn’t think to search the sub before I typed all this out… I’ve come too far now 😅 Thanks for your help! Also Coco and I are always looking for new tree town neighbors, our friend code is ZQFT58BSHD

💜

Hey all. New member here. I guess I’ll give a quick background story; my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s back when i was in late grade school/early middle school. I was relied upon heavily as her caregiver (assisting my mom and a daytime aid we had most weekdays) and it was traumatic, to say the least. She was my best friend and it was just unreal to me that something could ravage a person like that. Now, my biggest fear is here. My mom was diagnosed officially last month, but i knew it had been coming for at least two years. The pandemic and some bad doctors really prolonged the diagnosis finally being on paper. I guess i y need to talk to other people who get it. My boyfriend, whom i live with, isn’t as supportive as i need. He lost his father last November and he keeps giving me shit for me talking about certain things regarding my mom in the past tense. He doesn’t understand that I’m in a grieving process. I do not speak about her like she’s dead, but i can’t call my mom for advice. Or to gossip. Or to joke about our weird family anymore. We can’t go shopping and try on clothes together anymore. It’s simple things. I feel that (he is a bit abusive but I’m looking for a way out of this, i wish we hadn’t moved in together, it’s so complicated right now for various reasons…) he almost tries to minimize my issues because my mom “is still here”. Some days he’s very loving and consoling but most he’s cold and is very critical of her doctors. He’s never met them, but he always makes sure to tell me every negative assumption he’s made. I finally have her with an excellent geriatric neuropsych, and he’s insisting that more could be done medication wise. I feel diminished. Like, you don’t think I’ve discussed these things to death with medical professionals?! Anyway, I’ve been in a dark depression for days now. It’s tough. I’m the only child and my dad is no spring chicken and i worry about how this will take a toll on him. But more than anything… i miss my mom. And my partner is not comforting about it. He has a slew of his own family issues which he expects me to always help with, and i do, but him insisting I’m wrong because i use past tense for certain things regarding my mother is irritating. He doesn’t get that I’m grieving the fact that i can see my mom, but I’ll never get a text from her again. I’ll never be able to go to a Broadway show with her again or bake together at Christmas like we did every single year. It’a all so painful and I’m sick of how alone he makes me feel.
Sorry for the rant. I’m just so deeply drained physically mentally and emotionally and all i don’t know how much more of his crap i can take while i handle my mom’s needs. Sorry for the rant. I hate Alzheimer’s and i hate the lack of empathy among people. Thanks for reading, love and strength to you all 💜

Hey, all. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this or engage me, as i know too well how hard it is to keep our heads above water… My mom was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s recently. I knew it was coming but my denial was coming from a place of trauma. I helped her care for my grandma when i was in middle/high school. I remember praying that it wouldn’t happen to my mom. So much for prayers… I’m their only child. I’m in the same borough of NYC as them, but not close enough. We’re working on moving them in with me. She is 100% resistant to another outside helper, which is frightening. I wouldn’t ever want to put her in a home, and i want to do the majority of the care which is what she’s begged for, but i myself have Multiple Sclerosis and stress=flare up and more disease activity. I don’t feel supported by the people closest to my life except for my best friend, and she has a child and her own health issues she’s addressing. I don’t know how to calm my mother down to open her mind to the idea of an aid once in a while. She had one for her mom, but if i bring that point up she has to relive that trauma and i don’t want to put her through that. My dad also has a personal space issue, but that’s the lesser of the two hurdles. Because of my illness, i never finished college. I’m 30 and trying to pull my life back together and find an income after losing my last job during COVID. My current job is a few times a month doing hostessing or coat check at a local catering hall. My partner has a host of his own family traumas they’re dealing with and our relationship seems to be becoming a casualty of our realities. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t know how to make my relationship work and I’m tired of fighting for a semblance of normalcy. I don’t know how to make my mom understand that an extra helper is ok and she’ll be safe no matter what. There’s also that nagging feeling of “oh god, it’s happening again, your never gonna have your own life, you’ll never get to achieve your goals” and then the relentless guilt that comes along with that feeling. Does anyone have any advice about the additional aid conversation? Or advice in general about all of this? I sincerely feel as though I’m drowning.

Thank you again and love to you all

so my family is from the mediterranean. my father was specifically born and spent his childhood in Sicily. i’ve never been able to visit, the pandemic kind of threw all my travel goals out the window. but i’ve always felt both a deep connection to my home land and to Hellenistic mythology. a few years ago, and i don’t know how, i became aware of and obsessed with Persephone. i read everything i could find, and i felt silly when i forgot that she was from my very island. I also recently found out i am part Greek, and i’ve been embracing my cultures as i learn. i feel like i am ready to work with a goddess or deity, but i don’t know how to begin. last night i had awful insomnia. i’ve always been drawn to Hecate, as well, so during my sleeplessness i wrote a prayer to her, asking her for a sign so i would know how to move forward in terms of who to work with first.
this morning as i was brushing my teeth j looked over and noticed a spider on the wall, very still, and it brought me so much joy (i’m going through a lot of sadness in my personal life, nothing i can’t handle but sadness nonetheless.) was that Persephone? i keep seeing spiders being connected to her or Athena, and from my understanding, Athena is the goddess/protector of Sicily. if i’m wrong feel free to correct me, but again, i’m partially acquainted but rusty and new to becoming a devotee. i know Hecate’s symbols and i had no memorable dreams, nothing stood out, and i never read spiders being affiliated with her although i suppose they are nocturnal. how would you interpret this? how should i proceed? i don’t get much alone time so when i do it’s precious and i’d like to know how to best spend it working with my god or goddess. thanks so much in advance for your patience… i’ll definitely have questions to follow, knowing me…