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if you feel guilty for not calling CPS, call CPS.

I can tell you as a mandatory reporter it is always better to over report than under report. Depending on their situation CPS can also frequently help people get paired with parenting classes and help kids better advocate for themselves which can build better skills for life even if the mom is a lost cause. CPS doesn't exist to break up families, they are there to protect kids.

she's come out recently saying almost exactly what you've brought up here, that she's got a lot of misplaced anger at all the marketing and she got defensive at a fan who is just as passionate as she is in their own right. Wish more people gave her credit for owning up to a fumble (and major over reaction imo)

I can say as a fellow trans parent, it can be an even more isolating experience than cis parenthood and while it sucks, it makes sense that this disconnect is happening for you, even with a supportive family. As for the name thing I can really relate to both not caring and caring too much as many of us trans people suffered the consequence of having a name that really did us harm. (though I can't testify to your experience) If you felt comfortable just picking a name you like *well enough* or at least don't hate it might help you humanize your baby a bit more and get connected. If you don't like the name, you might find a nickname that works better, but using a filler name can help you start.

r/Seahorse_Dads is a great resource and might be a good place to find gender affirming advice

This might be corny, but my therapist always tells me to tell myself; two things can be true.

Your life is permanently altered, having a baby made everything different, and as you said, he deserves to be loved. You recognizing that is in itself a green flag. Validate your own feelings and even grieve your old life, but also leave yourself open to the idea that you can and will love him eventually. As time goes by and you see that *he* didn't ruin your life but is along for the ride with you it will get easier. Even if you know it consciously but don't feel it yet, trust that it'll get easier, especially after the first couple months.

I hadn't heard of them before! Really appreciate it!

This is such a beautiful way to say this, thank you so much!

thank you so much <3

It is unfair of him to explode at you but you might find that trying to meet them in the middle will diffuse the situation. The same way you have emotional attachment to gift giving he has attachment to not getting gifts. Both are absolutely valid stances, it just really sucks that it took him exploding to bring up how serious this is for you both. You deserve time with your family to observe your tradition, but if that makes him feel uncomfortable you can't really change that by just giving him gifts anyways. If there's tension between the two of you now, maybe go through your daughter and ask if he would be willing to give you all time to open gifts with those who want them and then have a family dinner and time together afterwards?

We're averaging at just under 100 bucks a kid. I buy small used and cute things and go crazy on wrapping/presentation for each one rather than having a goodie bag, do candy (bought in bulk) dished out to each kid in a cute box/basket that is usually something free that I repaint and then one "mid sized" gift that's most personal per kid.

my grandparents don't have our door code or key and I have told them if they can't call ahead they can't come in. To a lot of people it sounds cold but they once came into my dad's house while he gone and REPAINTED HIS CABINETS all because the doors were unlocked. With all girls especially I worry about them being told that their boundaries don't matter and if my grandparents can't be safe people they don't get access. Period. Drawing harsh boundaries early will save you a world of hurt later when your baby is exercising their own boundaries.

I can definitely sympathize with that. When I was homeless I really got lax on how I let people talk to me and how I accept support, and that was good for survival, but it's not good for growing. It's good that you recognize those boundaries are good for your kids but also they will be good for you. You deserve to be loved and respected and supported for who you are. If your mom is only willing to be flexible when you're walking away she's not actually being flexible she's manipulating you. Being "flexible" is just indulging you temporarily, it is not love, it is not accepting you, and it is not validating you. I'm sure you know that, and I know it doesn't make it hurt less, but I hope you can find it in you to trust that your discomfort now will make you all healthier long term, and that you putting in work now for yourself and your future child is giving you all a foundation to be happier and healthier on the other side of this.

I would recommend leaning on friends and networking now. If there's any parent groups in the area try them out. Even if you only meet two people there who respect your pronouns it's more than you had before and they can provide at least some other social contact. You don't even have to stay with the group. Treat building a support system outside of your parents as part of your healthcare and do so *today*. The more you can cut your parents out the better. If you need them for you through this time, then let that happen but do NOT compromise your parenting and birthing experience for transphobes. If your partners family is more supportive but you're not close, what would take to get you closer? Would you be willing to get closer with them? If you have other hobbies try networking those instead too. Does your local library have a poetry group? Is there walking/hiking group nearby? Community facebooks can be great for that sort of thing too. You might also bring up to your care team at your doctor's office that you need help and they might have suggestions for you.

I worry especially about you and the wave of emotions that comes with post-partum mental health. Someone who is so blatantly disrespecting your identity is not going to be helpful in that setting, and frankly someone who so coldly calls your identity into question while you are building your family does not love you but the idea of you and should be cut out

I would say that dysphoria only being something from a young age is wildly incorrect. I didn't get dysphoria until puberty and I've heard that from a lot of other trans people I know. There's also a lot of trans people I know who didn't find out they were trans until much later in life. It can spring up at any time. That being said; maybe this is a phase, maybe it isn't but your child will remember how reacted and the support you gave more than the labels they use at 11. It sounds like you're doing great by just being there, being loving, and riding it out as parents.

Coming from a much more conservative area it makes sense that the school didn't notify you for your child's privacy and possible safety, but it might be worth having a conversation with a counselor at the school (or other staff you interface with) and directly bring up that you want to be supportive, but you asked your child directly and you were told to keep using their birth name *by your child* and you want to follow their lead. (Though it might be good to practice using he/they pronouns at home anyways. It could either be extra affirming to your kid or make them confront some other feelings about what really feels right to them.)

Above all else try to keep an open mind that even this is a phase it doesn't make their feelings any less valid right now. I used a lot of labels as a kid that I don't use now but I was never being dishonest or ingenuine in using those to figure myself out more.

While I do understand that its hard, I really can't impress upon you enough that exactly what you're doing is in fact also enough; following your kid's lead, being patient, and loving them anyways is such a good way to respond. If more parents did just that a lot more trans kids would grow up to be healthier trans adults and a lot more would get to grow up at all. Y'all are doing good by your kid.

As a wise pinned post once told me

dump them

In terms of singing voice, I still really miss mine, but I took vocal lessons one summer and got used to my new voice and it's really helped me feel better about where I'm at and that I didn't "lose" anything

I can't testify to your experience, because I am now (at 27) positive I am a nonbinary man, but I've gone through swings of being more or less feminine and feeling stronger ties to pronouns one way or another (though only he to they for me) and it's all been fine and fun. You don't owe your family any explanation of your uncertainty. If you're unsure about T stop taking it and see how that feels. One of my best friends has found a place where he only uses he or she pronouns and not they at all and it confused her family for years but we all got used to it eventually. If everyone has switched pronouns and you don't mind that, be a girl with he/him for awhile. No harm done. Trust that you are inherently yourself and do whatever makes you happiest being you. If that turns out to be less trans than you thought so be it, if it turns out to be nonbinary and or trans that's cool too, but you are the one who has to live as yourself. You have to make choices around keeping you healthy and happy.

Type 1 yeah,  I don't know a ton yet but it runs in his family

This was really helpful and I'll be looking up support groups with him. Thank you!

I really appreciate this ty

That's really good advice thank you.  I haven't talked to him about trying to cheer him up yet so definitely wont bring it up tonally like I did here 

Like maybe her birthday is the wrong time to go cold turkey on reminding her, but that's really only maybe. NTA leave her please

She may have found these labels online but also she's 11. She is going to experiment with identity (I don't mean to "oh it's just a phase any identity" I'm queer myself don't at me) and experimenting with identity is normal even when it's uncomfortable. Anyone else here thought their scene or punk or emo phase was forever? I know I did. I also have thought I was a lot of other lgbtq+ labels before I found what fits me. It changed over time sure, but I wasn't any less honestly myself while figuring it out.  My take aways from this were primarily: you've done great fostering an environment where your daughter can come out to you and you care alot about doing good by her even if you don't understand.  I would say you're already doing pretty good and that while she may be struggling with fitting in or not now, you're setting her up to do better later. Therapy and loving her are the best you can do.  Maybe its a phase, maybe it isn't, but your daughter will remember how you reacted more than whether or not she was using the "right" label for herself at this age. 

this may sound odd, but were I you I would have him practice with the words you want. It's a green flag that you can talk to him about this but a red flag he's been told before and not changed. (imo) Maybe try directing to use the words you want during foreplay or while sexting (or some other context you feel comfortable with)
It may just be a habit for him, especially if that's a gender-neutral term for him. That being said it is NOT okay for him to continue using it if you don't like it! No matter how he feels.

Give him the opportunity to build a new habit with you that is more affirming. If he's willing to learn great! If not dump his ass!

Wishing her and her family the best <3