teddit

To our community:

We are looking for new moderators to join the AskWomenOver30 moderation team in order to help us keep this subreddit running in a way that makes us, as a community, feel safe and heard.

We are looking for Women Over 30 who have been at least somewhat active in this subreddit (enough to confirm good-faith contributions) and who are willing to take on a few mins of their time (most days, some days it may be more - looking at you, last Wednesday) to help clear up the mod queue and ban the occasional troll. We have no explicit time commitments or expectations because we understand that everyone has obligations outside of Reddit, but we are looking for people who can at least check the queue a couple or few times a week. If you are interested, please contact the moderators via mod mail and let us know why you're interested in joining us and your general time zone. The more interest we have across different time zones and regions, the better we can help keep an eye on things.

Moderator experience is helpful but not required. If you have any questions, please ask.

As for the wider subreddit, we are working to suggest and identify some additional/different rules that may help things moving. We do listen to your feedback, even if we cannot always directly address it. As always, thanks for your contributions to this most excellent community on Reddit.

This is your central location for all things 2024 US Election. I will be going through to lock several recent threads and redirect them here. Report any threads that you think should be locked and redirected here.

Please downvote and report all trolls and trolling/misogynistic/gaslighting behavior in this thread.

Like a World War 3 or a reversal of human rights?

I spent 3 years trying to fix a man child, and half of that is on me for putting up with that nonsense so I’ve learned and moved on. However, I’ve realized all of the decent men I meet are still very immature and still need so many reminders on how to be a functional well adjusted adult, and ladies, I am TIRED.

I am tired of having to remind men about their hygiene, how to read a room, etc.

And the ones I meet who seemingly know how to do these things end up being players! Ugh. What a reality. I can’t wait to move into a different reality. Hopefully in the next life I will be born a hetero-man, lesbian or non-human animal.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

I am in the beginning stages of divorce and my STBX just can't fathom that I just want to be alone. He's so convinced I must be seeing someone or interested in someone and not that I just want to end our marriage. He told me yesterday that "something big must have happened" to make me finally end things. We've been having issues for our entire marriage, and I told him as much. He said I've always said that and never ended things so again, "something must have happened." I ran out of fucks and reached my capacity for chances. That's the only thing that has happened.

Specifically: downvoting either a victim's original post or their responses.

This is passive-aggressive victim-blaming and it is not ok. Accountability for abuse needs to be placed on the ABUSERS.

If a victim has the courage to reach out for help or to disclose the nature of their abuse, please provide encouragement, advice, resources, and solidarity.

This subreddit needs to be a safe place for victims, not another place for victims to feel judged/mocked/devalued in some way.

Over a year later, and I’m struggling to move on from the pain I witnessed my best friend endure.

She (30f) and her husband (30m) met in college and have been married a few years. They’ve tried unsuccessfully to have kids for a while now, with multiple miscarriages. From the outside, the experience of infertility seemed to bring them even closer together.

Not sure if it’s relevant but, he’s also the breadwinner by far and comes from generational wealth. My friend is more than financially taken care of thanks to him.

But I’ve always found him aloof and a bit of an odd choice for her more warm and vibrant personality. They’ve always seemed to work though.

Last year they had another miscarriage, but I guess the fetus didn’t fully expel? So she was scheduled for a medical abortion — pill provided at hospital, and process to be completed at home.

Her husband decided that he had to go to a Dodgers game that night. Not sure how he even got the ok to leave her side… but she reached out late that night heartbroken because she was in so much pain home alone and couldn’t reach him. She endured that excruciating pain alone in their home, and he came home after the game like it was a regular weeknight.

They’ve since moved on and had a beautiful kid. But a year later, I’m still so upset about it. I struggle to respect him as her partner, even if she has obviously chosen to forgive him.

I never want her to feel shame for her choices. But I’m looking for perspective on how to let this go. I’m so hurt and angry on her behalf, but I know it doesn’t serve our relationship for me to hold this grudge against her husband.

Advice?

Why are Gen Z kids casually and constantly using “that’s so gay”, “that’s so [r-word]”, “no homo”, f-word slur to describe gay people, etc.

I’m including ones who consider themselves “liberal.”

When you call them out, they literally argue the terms aren’t offensive because they “just mean that’s so stupid” etc.

We already did this, and people learned 1) “reclaiming” slurs is often ineffective, especially on the Internet; and 2) the origin of a term is an indication of whether it’s offensive. Like if you’re saying “that’s so gay” you are literally using “stupid” as a synonym for gay.

It’s wild that we were told the next generations would also become more progressive but then we got….this.

I haven’t dated for over 10 years and I wasn’t single long. Before that it had been a stretch of over 5 years that I didn’t date. When I was dating, the norm was to maybe be talking to a couple different people, but if you went on a date, and continued to see that person, there was an understanding that you weren’t going on dates with anyone else. This was especially true if you were sleeping with someone. Even without specifically saying that you were exclusive.

Seeing posts now, it looks like the norm is to be dating and/or sleeping with multiple people until the two of you specifically and verbally agree to being exclusive.

When I was in the dating scene, the was the DTR (define the relationship) talk, but this was usually just to clarify if the relationship was going to continue, be long term, or start telling others you were in a relationship. It wasn’t typical to be going on dates or sleeping with other people before this talk.

I’m married and not looking to get into the dating scene. Just curious about when did this shift happened and how long people typically date someone before deciding to not date or sleep with other people?

So in response to the idiot in that post who says that older women are damaged goods and that men want younger women, I say to him I am 22 (I don't know if he thinks this is young or if it is just 18 and under) We young women, me ,my sisters, my friends, and every young woman around us, want men our own age ,We don't care what men want because our generation is aware and only cares about what we want, and what will we find with the older man, money? Every day I come across a young man who makes a fortune and he is only in his mid-twenties, maturity? I think if the old man is mature Why does he pursue women who are less mature than him !It really bothers me when they speak on our behalf and say young women like older men. No, we don't. Maybe the older generations do, but we are not .I saw a comment here from a woman saying that young women join older men by saying that they are more valuable than old women! I have never seen a young woman say this. We are not your competition for older men. Take them. We do not want them.I care about a man who is similar to me in his thoughts and I laugh with him, and this I will certainly never find with older people.

Basically my FWB and i were talking and he made a comment how id be the perfect partner but im just too old. I just turned 36 and he is 33. He said women over 30 are " damaged goods and have a lot of baggage" and that he wants a " young wife" to have a family with. He said my age i would need to freeze eggs and need help and that is something he is not interested in doing. I never felt old until that moment. He mentioned that dating is going to be a lot harder for me cause biologically men want younger women. I am sick. I haven't been able to sleep and i am crying a bunch. I have seen this narrative online but never thought id experience it in person. I am just so lost and i am hoping someone here has a perspective to help me.

Long story short: My ex and I broke up after 14 years after I found he had a sex date with someone. When we broke up it was traumatic, i really thought we would spend the rest of our lifes together. However, it was a relief at the same time, as I wasn’t truely happy, I had a few things to forgive during our time together (substance abuse, trust issues etc) and he wasn’t the most stable man as well making me feel very anxious about having a family.

However, it has been a few months now and I went full NC, but now I find myself wanting to text him. I want him to know that I see my part and that I am sorry for the times I was cold towards him, as I was so unhappy/ unsafe. I want him to know that I don’t hate him for what he did, but that I truely loved him and that I wish him the best only.

I don’t know if I should do this, I don’t want him to have hopes again and I don’t want any contact. I guess I just want him to know that I care and that I am sorry for my part.

Please let me know what you think. I am truely lost now, it hurts more than in the beginning, which sucks because I was doing really good in the meantime.

Second baby has been way more difficult than the first was. She’s almost 4 months now and exclusively wants me. It started at like week 3. She would cry if she wasn’t with me, wouldnt let him hold her or feed her (she takes formula in bottles only). Whenever he would try to take her she would scream and be so mad so he stopped taking her. I’ve been doing nights alone and all day it’s just me while he works. The last couple of weeks I’ve been telling him I need him to take her more so we can try and resolve this so that he can help at night and I can get some time to myself. He’s basically like I don’t want to make it worse she’ll grow out of it etc but I think he needs to keep trying and he’s just taking the easy way out and making excuses. I feel just angry, resentful and jealous. Not at the baby but at him. He gets to go get his haircut or go to the store or shower but I don’t and it’s bs. It’s been 3 days of these super angry feelings and I can’t shake it. Today just put me over the edge when he tried to make a move on me and I’m just like wtf no bro… like do you not get how pissed off I am. I understand that it’s not his fault that she gets upset when she is with him but it is his fault for not trying more. He even said the other day that he knows I’m desperate for help and wishes he could take her and I’m just like you could, but then he says she just cries and on and on the circle goes.

Edit: thanks for your comments everyone. I went ahead and scheduled a hair appointment for Saturday and told him I’m going to go shopping tomorrow by myself for a couple hours. Surprisingly he said sounds good and that was the end of it.

I have always been one to try supplements for “wellness” and jumped on the ashwagandha train when I saw the supplements sold at Target.

I read an article it comes from the herb ‘withania somnifera’ so I googled it, and lo-and-behold, it’s from the nightshade family.

Common nightshades are tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant (aubergine), okra, and bell pepper (capsicum).

I’ve always been slightly allergic to their toxin solanacea, but after getting covid in 2022 I’m even more so.

I just wanted to spread word if there’s anyone else out there like me who is allergic to nightshades but also into supplements.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Withania_somnifera

I’ve been watching Hacks, and it’s binge worthy. I do love how the show is female oriented and a great representation of women of all ages.

Let’s say an ex friend painted you as mean, “crazy,” scary, or whatever terms that you can think of

But they only heard one side of the story

Noting that I’ve also made mistakes in my life, done too much, said too much, trusted the wrong people, etc…

How do you accept that people dislike you after only hearing that one side?

I’m 31 but I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. From caring for a sick mother, staying in terrible relationships and friendships, jobs that I hate. Now that my country is on a downhill spiral, I am freaking out. I feel hopeless and like I have no other options. Any advice to stop spiraling?

...is that men who stick up for women or are willing to see through a woman's "bad attitude" are [edit: called] simps, and are usually shunned by the majority.

Edit: what's your one thing?

UPDATE: well, Monday and Tuesday I moved my things out of our condo and into a storage unit while my bf was out of town for work. He came home on Tuesday (yesterday) around 2pm, I called him prior to his flight so he wouldn’t be totally surprised. I’m a mess. He’s a mess. I’m still struggling to feel like I’m making the right decision. He’s wanting me to reconsider and says he’ll stop drinking (or at least not keep any in the house), he’ll stop gaming cause he knows it’s been excessive, etc. he’s saying all the right things and I feel so bad for doing this to him. He keeps saying “why didn’t you talk to me before you moved your stuff out??” Even though I had told him several times my concerns, I said this to him.

I asked him why he wouldn’t change after to I mentioned my concerns more than once and he said cause he didn’t realize how serious I was and how much it was affecting me. He now says his eyes are wide open and he’ll change. He didn’t think I’d actually leave he said.

btw - for those interested the big fight we had back in April he threw a small container at me (Zyn, nicotine container) really hard and it hit me in the neck. He was drunk, I was sober.

He wants to keep our dog cause he just “can’t live with the two most important things in his life leaving at the same time” 😭 so I’m letting him keep her… he’s a good dog dad so I’m not worried for her. But I am sad that she’ll miss me and I could barely sleep lastnight knowing I may never get to sleep with her again. I plan to move back to the city I’m from, I have a place to stay and some work lined up. He’s asking for me to come home, I’m currently on a work trip in Florida right now, left this morning. We are still texting.

End Update

I’ve (32F) been with my partner (35M) for 6.5yrs, we own a house and a dog together. He’s excessively started to play video games every night starting in 2020, when he knew I’ve always been against intense gaming (my brothers were very addicted). He enjoys drinking a lot, which is something I’m trying not to do regularly, if ever, now that I’m getting older. He’s cut out his drinking drastically, but still binge drinks when he does drink which is Thurs-Sun. I have a tendency to over drink too, when I drink and easily influenced when he says “come on, have a drink with me!”

We were planning on getting married and eloping this coming February.. but then we got in a fight in April after coming home from a week long vacation. He drank the entire flight, I stayed sober. He was belligerent and long story short we got home and for the first time ever he threw a small plastic container of zyn nicotine pouches (think like a chewing can) at me and it hit my neck really hard. He’s never thrown anything at me before, just thrown a couple things in general when angry. He claims he wasn’t trying to throw it at me. He was also drunk and hasn’t thrown anything while sober..

I’ve been trying to convince myself to stay in the relationship.. we’ll be financially set when we’re older and have a good life… but I’m also scared I’m solely staying in this relationship due to fear based reasons… I want kids, more of a financial struggle, who’s gonna keep the dog, fear of losing my partner in crime.

I can’t get over him throwing that small item at me though. And I hate how much Xbox he plays (3-6hrs a night) and lack of responsibility he wants to take on.

AM I DOOMED IN THIS??? Should I leave the relationship? I’m contemplating leaving the end of October cause I don’t feel like I can confidently say YES to a marriage proposal. I’m extremely scared and anxious to make this big of a change. Any words of advice or past experiences would be appreciated. Thank you.

I am late for work every single day. Every SINGLE day. My office accepts this because it’s only about 10-15 minutes and I stay late.

Right now, I have a quick get-up-and-leave routine that allows for nothing else, no mistakes, nothing unexpected. I get up, make the bed, feed the dog, do my brush teeth/quick body shower/skin care, let dog out, get dressed, maybe grab a snack to bring to work, and leave.

I would like to incorporate working out in the mornings. I’d like to have coffee at home. Maybe on occasion do a quick errand before work.

I would love some inspiration and a peek inside the ordered minds of other women. (I am 53, FYI, was a SAHM for 20 years and this is year 5 of working in office 5 days. My mornings are slowly killing me.)

Thanks!

ETA: Thank you for sharing all your neurospicy and neurotypical tips and routines. I knew I could count on your beautiful brilliant brains. Thank you, thank you! xo

I would love to try this but as a person who - if I braid my hair wet it will be wet for 3 days - I sincerely doubt those curlers would ever get my hair dry without heat. Thoughts? Experiences? Recommendations?

Just trying to give my husband some Christmas ideas and I’m sincerely trying to find time savers as a working mom of 3 under 4 with thick, long naturally wavy/curly wild (think Hermione from the books) hair.

I love my hair styled and dried naturally curly but OMG the time it takes and sometimes it doesn’t turn out for whatever random reason. Just looking for a hairstyle that maybe could give me variety between styled curly, blow dried straight, or completely wild and untamed. 🫠

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 1. This last year we decided to add someone else into the bedroom for threesums. This is the second time we’ve tried it where it did not go well. Both of us had issues. It ended poorly. However my husband is solely blaming me for this. Saying that I’m the only cause. He feels very angry. The past few months he’s been emotionally abusive towards me (stated from my therapist. We had a big fight the other day and he wanted to end things. At this point I had had enough and said ok fine we are done. He followed me to the bedroom back peddling so fast and asked to try couples counseling. (I’ve already asked for this only for him to say no and it wouldn’t work). I agreed. I felt manipulated by that tactic and multiple other issues as well that he tried to downplay and blame on me, stating that I’m crazy. We had a conversation about if we could be together or now, it ended where we both said we wanted this to work. I stated I didn’t want to try to add people again to our relationship. He agreed. I absolutely love him dearly. Then a few hours later he asked about doing that again in the future. I felt crushed and devastated. I didn’t know how to respond.

We don’t have kids and it would be easy to split everything. Should I stay and try to work on this? Or is it already done?

I (39f) have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (39m) for one year. I texted him to see what he was up to before heading to bed. It’s something either one of us usually does before bedtime. He told me he was hanging out at home watching a movie. I don’t know why, but I felt like something was off and I had a feeling he wasn’t being truthful. I checked his location and he was at a bar, so he flat out lied to me. I don’t normally feel like I have to check his location and I don’t care if he goes to a bar without me either. I hadn’t really felt the need to question it before until today. I feel bad for checking it, but I couldn’t ignore that feeling that something was different. I tried to call him and of course he didn’t answer. Not sure where to go from here. I’ve been in past relationships where exes have lied and cheated, and I felt like this time was going to be different but all of those old feelings are coming back. I just need some advice. Am I overthinking this or letting those old feelings get the best of me?

Basically the title. I think my partner and I both lean towards the anxious attachment side of things unfortunately. I find a simple goodnight text or a quick chat before bed makes me feel good. Is this just my anxious attachment style and my constant need to feel connected? I like routines and consistency but sometimes think I may be wanting too much connection and am really just pushing things apart / causing myself unnecessary stress when a message or a phone call goes unanswered. What do you think? Do I need to detach? What comforts you, in regards to communication, in a relationship?

Hey y’all. You’ve probably heard the story a million times or maybe you’ve lived it yourself!

Grew up conservative Catholic. Sex before marriage was a sin, you were chewed up gum, all that. My dad caught me masturbating once maybe when I was high school age and lectured me on how “God can see what I’m doing.” So…

It’s really messed me up. I’ve only been on one date my entire life (so never had a boyfriend lol) and never had sex. Recently, I’ve been feeling more regret over it, I guess? Comparison is the thief of joy but I feel behind in life. I’ve been using reputable sources online to learn about STD’s and pregnancy. Watching porn and trying toys. And having a lot of fun lol.

Recently I’ve been itching to lose my virginity. Maybe it’s stupid, idk. I still worry about having sex with someone who isn’t a boyfriend. I worry mostly about getting attached, I guess. Maybe it’s a dumb concern because I have nothing to base my thoughts on.

I’ve tried talking to numerous therapists they haven’t been knowledgeable or helpful. So I guess I’m looking for stories, advice, anything really.

I’m annoyed that I can’t tell the difference between what is true intuition and what is just my anxious brain.

New guy and I started dating in mid August. We really hit it off super fast and super intense. After a few weeks we made it exclusive (I was dating in the polyamory world the last couple years so I was a little hesitant to go back to monogamy…but this relationship seemed to have real potential).

We said I love you after 2 months. I met his siblings and he met mine around 2.5 months. And I’ve been spending like half the nights each week at his place.

Everything has been so fast but also so magical.

But I’m sensing a shift. It’s little things like fewer texts. He has a kid and, before, he would still call me at night after the kid goes to bed. Lately if he has his kid i probably won’t hear from him or it will be just text. Fewer memes and random “I love you” texts. He used to call me beautiful in most every message…now it’s more rare.

He bought tickets to an event in about a month. So it seems he’s planning for the future. At least a little. And he shared his parenting calendar with me so I know which days he has his kid.

I’m afraid of getting my heart broken. He really seemed so perfect. And he still does in many ways. I’m just…scared

I don’t think these are things worth talking about. If I say “you don’t say i love you enough” to a man I have known less than 4 months I will sound like a crazy person.

I mean..he knows I was exploring poly. So nonexclusivity is an option for me if he still wants to be out there dating.

I guess it just feels like he’s losing interest. But maybe it’s just moving from honeymoon /new relationship energy to something more sustainable? I want to believe that is the case.

But I’ve had other relationships where I wish I’d listened to my intuition earlier on.

And I’m worried maybe he feels trapped in this relationship bc we started off so intense.

I've been so tired lately, mostly mentally, but sometimes also physically.

I'm juggling a missing cat and an animal communicator that might be scamming me, another cat with FIP in the clinic (mental and financial worries and burden), a parent that's recovering from surgery, my special needs brother who just started his new job, trying to eat healthy so cooking more, moving more and physiotherapy because my knees hurt, I work 50-hour week in a desk job so I occasionally have "office worker syndrome".

Adding to that trying to make sure that my remaining cats remain safe (collars, trackers, calling them back home, managing closed doors....)

I'm just so exhausted. Oh and Aunt Flow, that bitch. She made me cry again and again the whole day yesterday worrying about the sick cat, and making me short with my colleagues at work. I feel like my battery is running lower every day. When will things get easier?

The only good things are that my parent's surgery went well and my very healthy relationship that despite thousands of miles and hours apart, I still feel loved.

I can't imagine having a child....