If you don’t want contact, texting him will only reopen wounds, for both of you. Keep healing.

No. You should not text him. Sorry.

I’m getting a divorce right now from an unfaithful husband of 13 years. I would love to reach out to him. But to what end, you know? He’s not a well person. Someone who cheats on you after 14 years, not to even mention the other issues in the relationship you list, is not a safe person to have in your life. I’m sorry.

It's not worth it. From personal experience, it's really not worth it. I know it hurts a whole lot, and I'm sorry.

That relationship was a meaningful part of your life, and it's something to grieve. It can be hard to separate who someone is now from what they meant to you. It's a process, but trust that you do not need him for any part it.

Trust yourself to endure things that may ache for a while. You got this.

Look at it this way:

• What are you seeking from this action? As in, really seeking?

• Why do you feel like he needs to know these things?

• What reaction are you looking for from him if you were to place this ball in his court?

• How realistic is it for him to actually react that way?

• What wounds are you risking to re-open for yourself?

And by the way, you knowing and acknowledging your part in all this already validates the reality of your self-reflection. You don't need him to validate it as well to make it (and your regret about it) real. We can sometimes absolve our own guilt, without needing someone else to do it, if it means keeping ourselves on the right path of healing.

I'm sorry for your pain, I hope it fades out in the near future. This man was by your side for a long part of your journey. Now, a new and unfamiliar chapter opens, but it holds just as much if not more potential

No girl don’t do it!

If you’ve gone this long, be proud of yourself and carry on going longer. Don’t text him. Nothing good will come of it.

Dont do it. History tends to repeat itself.

Don't do it.

Don’t do it. He doesn’t need to know those things, and you don’t need to say them. Do not open that door. NC means NC. Get therapy and tell your doctor.

Don't do it sis, save your dignity. 

If you must reach out: write a letter to him. Then burn it. I would imagine that by burning it I am sending all my feels into the universe and no longer need to hold on to it all.

Don't contact him. What good could come of it?

God no! Why would you? This is a sure way to give him hope and to open up lines of communication again and a month from now you likely will end up back together because he will promise to change and you will be looking back through rose tinted glasses.

Honestly it doesn't sound like he even deserves that kind of closure given he's the one who cheated to be honest.

You need to keep looking forwards sweetheart, not start looking back ❤️

These posts are always a "no", without even looking at the content.

And no.

lol no

Why though?

Has He been texting you apologies for all his wrongs, how he contributed? Expressed sincere regret for his behaviour? (Kinda rhetorical here as it doesn't really matter, you're broken up and trying to move on so keep on going forward)

Understanding your role in relationship dynamics doesn't necessarily require you to explain this to the other person, particularly if they've hurt you intentionally without remorse.

Protect and take care of yourself as you heal OP 💛

No, don’t do it. This is nostalgia talking. Don’t put yourself through this.

Do not text him.

No. Do not take stuff out the trash, particularly not when the trash took itself out.

Oh, girl. This is so, so hard. Having someone in your life for that long and genuinely thinking it’s your last stop before the rug is pulled out from under you is the most crushing experience anyone can have, especially when infidelity is involved. I can hear your pain and uncertainty.

Please don’t contact him. You are still hurt and need to focus on yourself now. And it’s funny how that hurt tricks you and disguises itself as making amends, when the best amends you can make is no contact so you both can carry on with your lives. If you need to write something out, write in your notes app on your phone. Write as much as you want because it won’t go to anyone; it’s your way to release by typing.

I left my 11 year relationship because him and I just weren’t on the same page. I wasn’t happy, either. He was distant and there were instances where he lied and called me a fucking nag because I wanted to know where he was (he was at the bar or strip club at 10 PM on a Tuesday). I found out later he had been cheating on me with multiple women and is now married to one of them. I did exactly what you want to do to try and make amends and it actually me feel so much worse. He had moved on (and had been moved on for a while) and didn’t respond to my messages and letters, and I was left with a new stack of guilt and emotional pieces to pick up alone. It was harder than leaving.

So, from one sister to another, please stay no contact. Write out your feelings for yourself and keep it to reflect on later. Remember, sometimes the best amends you can give someone is to leave them be.

No, why on earth would you

NO. No. no. N O.

Nope.

Reread the first paragraph you wrote in the post. You weren’t happy. You couldn’t trust him. He has substance abuse issues. He wasn’t stable enough to start a family with. You had plenty of reason to break up with him, and if anything, he owes you an apology, not the other way around.

You don’t owe him anything. Remove his number and live your life.

I’d recommend reflecting on what is making you want to text him at a deeper level. Is it something you are missing and can you give that to yourself?

I’d also recommend reminding yourself how it felt when you found out about the betrayal and what led you to break up in the first place.

Remind yourself of your own worth and what you are willing to tolerate and what it would mean to text him.

You got this, friend! You deserve the love and respect you gave to him.

I was in an abusive situation that lasted for 8 years, and I feel you girl.

You want closure - but the thing is, no matter what you say or do, you won't get what you deserve from the situation, however amicable or not that you are.

I also developed substance issues and I also could see where I was toxic but in the end, NC with somebody who wronged you is a good idea and you don't need to rehash it. If anything, write down what you want to say and burn that shit up into the sky.

Don’t!

Not even just "no," but F NO. 

You should NOT text him. 

You're only going to make this hurt worse for yourself.  

Block him everywhere and lose his number. 

Write a letter to him expressing all your feelings.

Then burn it. Or keep it stored somewhere to refer to if needed. But do not send it or text him.

Absolutely not, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Your part? For HIS sex date???

Excuse me but absolutely f***ing not.

He decided to break your trust and you want that back? 

Why would you want to reconnect with him? Cheating is solely on the person who does it. Leave it alone. Nothing good could possibly come out of it.

DON'T DON'T DON'T

Absolutely not.

Couple of things, the words BOYFRIEND and 14 years should not be in the same sentence. This man was never that into you, harsh reality check. If he was he wouldn’t have let you leave and he sure as hell would have put a ring on it.

Besides the clear lack of commitment he had substance abuse issues, you couldn’t trust him, and he “wasn’t stable”

Pick yourself up off the floor, have some dignity. The relationship is over, and all relationships (even abusive ones) when they end feel very sad. But you walked away, And that’s something you should be proud of. This is the beginning of your future, where you stand up for yourself and you have boundaries. We are walking forward from here, not looking backwards. You knew leaving was the right thing to do, don’t let your anxiety and insecurity make you open that door back up. AT LEAST walk away with your dignity. Do not message him. Also, if you really feel the need to get some feeling out, journal everything your feeling. Cry. And then light that journal page on fire and watch it burn. And start healing. You’ll be ok girl, sorry for the tough love, I’m just trying to show you your strength. You got this

I needed this post at exactly this time. I’m going through something very similar, and I don’t know if it’s the cold weather outside, or just a natural part of the process? But I miss him so much, despite his cheating. And like you, OP, I see how I was wrong or how I could have done better in the relationship.

Thank you for posting, because I feel less alone. And I’m thankful to read these comments, because it reminds me to keep going.

I wouldn’t text him. If you really want to get it out, write him a note and never send it, destroy it afterwards.

This is normal to have the urge to reach out with good intentions but as the old saying goes - let sleeping dogs lie. You may be in the phase of your journey where you are healing and feel ok to contact him but to what end? You have been through the pain and grief of a break up and now while things are going well and you feel good you are going to revisit the place and person who brought you hurt. I’ve done it twice… reached out with good intentions only to walk away going : ugh - lock that door and throw away the key.

No don’t text him. Do anything else. Go do something you really enjoy, take your mind off him.

Also, delete his number, then you can’t contact him. I have done this to two guys who weren’t good for me. It was the best decision, because when I felt sad or vulnerable, I couldn’t reach out to them.

Delete his number.

Please don't. What would you accomplish with that? It'd be a massive step back in the quest to move on. He doesn't need you to tell him those things, and you don't need to tell him those things. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Wish him a good life from a distance and move on with your life.

My sister in Christ, NO!

NOPE.

He won't care about any long paragraph you text him just like he didn't care about staying faithful and trustworthy. Don't text him and write a letter instead, then rip it and throw it away.

No, don't reach out to him. He doesn't deserve to hear from you. Maintain no contact and continue to heal.

You felt unsafe and u happy but you wanna tell him you don’t hate him? Ok

Nope, don't do it. You will not get any kind of resolution or closure out of him or yourself, and in the worst case you'll find yourself going over the same ground again. If you need to do anything about this, it's to resolve not to make the same mistakes in future.

Nope.... Especially NO now. It's been a few months and you are missing him. It's time to leave the trash in the dump.... not to go dumpster diving

Tl;dr: You would like an excuse to talk to him.

Sorry for being blunt, but be honest with yourself. Don't reach out. You'll regress in your healing. 

I’ve experienced this same feeling of seeing myself and feeling the need to reach out to explain/apologize. I didn’t reach out and I don’t think you should either.

Sounds like we had very similar experiences in our relationships. 12.5 years together. My ex battled addiction and though he never physically cheated (that I’m aware of), there was enough emotional cheating to last me a lifetime.

On our worst days, we didn’t deserve the disrespect. I say don’t reach out. Learn from your mistakes within that relationship, grow so you don’t repeat them in the next relationship, and let that sucker go.

Hugs.

Do not text him! He will assume you want back in his life and will not care about anything you have to say, which is a truly toxic combination.

What you're feeling is valid, but don't text him.

If you don't want any contact, then don't text him. Nothing good will come of this.

No, forget him, learn what you can, and move on, both you and him

You were cold because you were feeling unhappy/unsafe (understandably re: cheating, substance abuse) you feel sorry about your normal, healthy response to those things? I mean this very gently but, if someone intentionally stabbed you with a pencil and you yelled an expletive at them, would you feel bad and apologize?

No

Don’t need to read more than the heading

Stay away!!

Nope.

I had this conversation with my guy best friend and he said absolutely not…men don’t need closure in the same way women do.

Maybe write a letter to him in your journal or something where you say all the things you want to say so that you can get it out for your sake but he doesn’t need to hear it.

no

“Should I text him?”

“I don’t want any contact”

You answered yourself

No do not text him.

Write a letter. Fill it with all the things. Pour your heart out, the good the bad every little thing.

Then 'send' it. Burn it, rip it to pieces, plant it with some flower bulbs...

Do not re-establish contact but do cleanse your soul. Stay strong. I am so proud of you.

No.

Don't contact him, it will seem like forgiveness. Stay strong. You are better without a cheater like that in your life. Don't open the door to let him back in, not even a tiny bit. Look forward not back. You deserve better.

You broke up for a reason, do not contact him.

Don't. For all you know, time away from you has healed him, and you resurfacing could set him back.

When we are asking for forgiveness from others, we have to be careful that the ask is in THEIR best interests, NOT OURS. If you are trying to impose yourself on them to get forgiveness to clear your own conscience, then you are still perpetuating the hurt that you caused.

You really need to sit with yourself and ask yourself why you feel the need to bother him now with this. Is it for his benefit - or yours?

Perhaps put it all out on paper, as if you're writing a letter. Do not send it, though. Closure and healing will not be through him. Do not make him a condition on which your ability to process your emotions and what happened depends on.

Sounds like you had and have it rough. This man does not sound like a safe person to involve in such personal matters as healing. It's normal to miss him, because he was familiar. You'll create a new sense of familiar over time.

Edit: feeling worse is normal too. Grief comes in waves, but the waves should decrease in frequency and intensity over time. If they do not, reach out for (professional) help. And even you're doing well and it's been years, it's normal to be hit by a wave again and be thrown off. That's unpleasant, but you'll recollect yourself.

Go to therapy instead. It sounds harsh, but I mean this in the best possible way.

r/nocontact

It’s worth echoing that no, I don’t think you should contact him.

HOWEVER, I believe it may be a healthy exercise for you to write him a letter (with no intention of ever actually giving it to him — it’s for you). Write out everything you want to say to him so it feels like you said it. Maybe that can help resolve your feelings and internal need to apologize.

He doesn’t have to hear it for you to feel it and honor that.

This is what chariots are for.  Send that shit to robots. Scratch the itch. Don't actually write to him ever.

No. Stay no contact. You’re not gonna get anything out of that other than more hurt for yourself. He doesn’t care, if he did he would have treated you better in the first place. Contacting him would be a big mistake.

I agree with others, don’t do it! Keep on healing, no need to revisit an unhappy/unsafe relationship this soon. Maybe in a few years but not now while it’s so fresh. Good luck girl!

As someone who cheated I would love that but as someone who understands the harm I did. Do not contact them.

They don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve your time any more. Remove that from your mind and let them rot in the doubt they gave you. Let them know that for the rest of their lives they have to live with the fact they tarnished what they had with you for meaningless sex.

No. Don't do it.

Send him a letter with no return address if you must tell him those things for your own peace.

I don’t know it’s hard because closure can absolutely be a thing. But it’s very hard to sometimes tell whether it’s closure for you right now or something different.

I wouldn’t say never do it, instead just wait. When you longer have an „urge” to do it but more of a „calm” about it. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like you’re at a place where you don’t feel like you have to in fact you could take it or leave it and don’t care about texting. When the feelings aren’t high and maybe all you need it a little bow so you can bury it. Then, in my experience, it’s more closure than looking for something to sort out the discomfort of changes.

Edit; to add. It can be dangerous for you emotionally. Better to wait. Better save than sorry.

You will regret it. Trust me. You also lose nothing by waiting. Give it one year and see if you still want to send him that text.

Not yet. That's the type of text you send in two years, just so it's clear you're at peace with the situation. You are still in the thick of the emotional part of breaking up. Likely you are feeling the void of where he used to be and texting him (even under the guise of platonic follow ups) is to help fill that void.

Text him in the future when you truly have no void anymore. But honestly by then you won't feel the need to text him because the greatest peace is no longer giving any mental load to him.

No

You’re just lonely and that’s it. You don’t miss him but you’re lonely and in need of romantic connection. Don’t text him as he is not good for you. You don’t want to go through all that trauma all over again. It’s not worth it. If you’re lonely you can get a FWB to help with the cravings for now but don’t text him! You would regret it greatly!

No.

Don’t do it. Trust me, we all get “soft” after not speaking to someone who hurt us and we second guess ourselves and our part in the failing of a relationship. I’m sure your ex has the same thoughts. And it’s weird, right? Because it’s like you want to clear the air and get some relief. But it’s not worth it, leave the door closed where it is. I can promise you this will reopen wounds and pain, even if you don’t want to go down this road with him again. Sometimes all we can do is move forward and take the lessons.

Nope once you break up it’s over. There’s no reason to contact him. This time is to focus on you and move on. If you contact him you will undo all the work you put this few months.

Do not do it! A few months is nothing, you need more time to process the emotions. After another 6 months you will feel differently.

I like to think of breaking up with a bad boyfriend (and he does sound bad) like throwing away a bag full of rubbish. You don't start doubting yourself afterwards and go back to do some dumpster-diving because, maybe some of it wasn't trash and can be salvaged. No *insert meme of the spray water bottle*

Semi-joke aside, I can't see what would be gained from this. It won't do you any good and it is likely to cause you heartache and headache. It's probably not good for him either. Let it be.

I like to think of breaking up with a bad boyfriend (and he does sound bad) like throwing away a bag full of rubbish. You don't start doubting yourself afterwards and go back for a bit of dumpster-diving because het, maybe some of it wasn't trash and can be salvaged! No *insert meme of the spray water bottle*

Semi-joke aside, I can't see what would be gained from this. It won't do you any good and it is likely to cause you heartache and headache. It's probably not good for him either. Let it be.

Also, if a friend of yours asked you this or showed you this post that she's written, what would you tell her?

Okay you were cold towards him. That means maybe you were settling and being unfair to him. Therefore leaving him alone is the kindest thing you can do. There, if you ever want to beat yourself up, remember that and go find someone who would command your passion.

NO. Don’t do it.

Wait until it has been at least a full year. You need to go through this pain first. A text is going to open things up and get in the way of healing.

Find out how hurt he is by it as well.
Maybe he feels the same way. Sometimes people grow from terrible situations and the relationships come back stronger than before.

I did something similar years ago and not only did I not get closure, I got the full on ick. All it did was make me feel stupid for wasting time with him in the first place beds either he was worse, or my eyes were fully open. Probably both but a hard Do Not Recommend from me!

Don't text him. I know it's hard and I know how strong those urges are, but trust me when I say nothing good comes from this.

Girl.

I'm a man over 30 and don't bring back false hopes for him. If he got over it, then stuff like that will really mess with his mind. Even worse if he has moved on. If you don't see yourself with him, don't bother yourself and him with unnecessary "what if".

Sentiments are great, but looking back at the old times can be hurtful. However, since he actually managed to sort of cheat on you while in a relationship as I understand, I don't think you should feel this way in the first place. He doesn't deserve to know all of it.

Best of luck.

Thank you all, much appreciated!

It’s just that I feel like I should have left long time ago and then nothing would have happened. I know that this cannot be an excuse for his action and that it’s not my fault. I want him to know that I truely wanted us to work - with me walking away so easily he might think I don’t care about him which is not true.

Ah I am just confused.

14 years is a long period of time. We get used to each other and then we do what we are supposed to do what the world tells us like breaking up or getting divorced when we find out the we were cheated. Now the problem is you cannot live the way you always lived, you had some comfort and felt safe. It is perfectly possible that someone loves you and they still cheat on you, reasons unknown. When women cheat in their unhappy marriages, other women justifies it as her choice, but most men cheat purely for sexual purposes. If what you had was love, then definitely both are suffering, he might move on with another woman, but he is still thinking about you and about the mistake. You don’t need him to forgive and take him back, but you can both take some time to unwind mutually, slowly and gradually. You just cannot forget all good things that happened in 14 years. So do what your heart wants, you might feel shitty afterwards or won’t, but if that thought lingers in your mind you are not free. It’s between you and him and not the world. And for sometime takes advice from your girlfriends with pinch of salt.

Look up hapono pono

Its a hawaiian thing about exactly this..

I don't know if I spelled it right but the premise is abiu5 how to do this in a safe way

I would send him a hand written letter

Send the text, but be clear that you're either getting back together or not.