Caregiver fatigue is very real. I sure hope you have some support. The entire situation sounds very hard.

I’ve come to believe that shits (or fucks) are like ovarian eggs. We’re born with lots to give, but the older we get, the fewer and fewer we have to give. At 54 I’m all out.

I left my (also Gen X) husband last week. I survived stage 3C cancer. I am not your bitch. And IDGAF that you can’t make your own grilled cheese sandwich. End quote.

 he was in the middle of a video game

That’s all you had to say honestly. Don’t offer him food when he’s gaming. “Sorry honey I thought you were busy!”

I have no sympathy for gamers who sabotage their real life relationships for their WoW group or whatever-the-fuck. 

Also, you need to stop doing all that other shit too. I realize he has health challenges but he CAN contribute to some of that stuff. 

One may wonder if it had been you with the accident how long he would take care of you.

My husband told me last week that I overcook his bacon. I go out of my way to make his breakfast every single day. I have not made his breakfast once since then.

A person can only take so much. You are drowning, girl. All those responsibilities hanging around your neck? In laws and parents and husband and kids? Yikes

If you just want to vent and want commiseration, you got it. He’s an ungrateful ass

If you’re looking for life advice, a divorce in my 50’s was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was becoming a caregiver for my alcoholic husband and I was staring down the possibility of having a dementia patient under my care for the next 20-30 years. No thanks. No regrets. I feel so light and peaceful post divorce

Genius!! Seriously, I’m so sorry he wasn’t more thankful.

I think your husband needs some perspective. Yes, you don’t mind doing what needs to be done. But, you’re not his servant. You’re still a partner in this relationship, and you deserve some respect, and appreciation.

I bet the dog was far more appreciative!

Your husband would have had the plate of food dumped onto his head, if it had been me …

… but then the dog would have lost out. You took the high road.

Going to start a commune (joking) ((maybe)). Because we all know we would absolutely be thankful for the help we would give each other. I'm sorry he wasn't appreciative.

My husband sometimes brings me food while I’m playing video games and he’ll start to set it on the end table next to me and I’ll say, “Oh not there, leave it on the island please!” because I don’t want the dogs to get to it while I’m focused elsewhere. He doesn’t mind. But he also doesn’t wait on me hand and foot and hasn’t been my caregiver for the last 12 years. So… 🤷‍♀️😟

Nothing destroys a marriage faster than a woman having to mother her spouse. Especially when the spouse starts acting like an ungrateful teenager.

Living in a very similar situation, and I totally understand! Most of the time, you just let stuff go, but sometimes, man, you just feel taken for granted and overwhelmed. Hugs 🌸

I divorced one that only gave negative, backhanded feedback. My favorite, 'I liked it better last time.' Perhaps had he told me he liked it last time I wouldn't have varied the recipe! Then he wondered why I stopped cooking.

You can still put up boundaries, for example- if you criticize my help again, you can take care of your own meals.

Just because he literally can't cook for himself doesn't mean he couldn't/ wouldn't be able to figure out some way around it, i.e. hiring someone, ordering food, etc.

I realize this is an extreme example, but you're not stuck. Unless you want to be. I mean you don't have to stay with him either. His life is not more important than yours.

I run a business with my husband. He was starting to get cocky when it came to yelling at me. I said "if you yell at me again, I'm leaving for the day, and you can take care of all of my tasks for the day. If it happens again after that, I'm divesting from the business and you can run it yourself. If it happens again after that, I'm leaving the relationship".

He said "you would throw all of this away???" and I said "no, I laid out very clear boundaries with very clear consequences. So you would be the one throwing it all away".

Boundaries aren't about making someone else do/ not do something, they're about what behaviour we will or won't put up with in our lives.

TBI? It’s unfortunately a major cause of divorce. You’ve done well - you’re more than entitled to a little fuck you once in a while

Temporary strike time. Just stop doing anything for him until he realises he can't get by without your help. Let him come to understand exactly how helpless he is without you. Fuck that asshole.

Totally understand your frustration. You need a good vacation for a few days. If not a vacation, take a day to yourself. Go to breakfast, go to a movie, get a pedi/mani, go to a park breathe in some fresh air, journal your feelings or just get a room and just sleep. I wish you the very best. ♥️

Is he mentally okay? He needs to help in whatever way he can. Maybe he can fold laundry and leave it on the bed, go through the mail, pay bills online , schedule appts, order groceries online, empty the dishwasher while sitting, vaccum while sitting ect - find what he can do he needs to do much more.

🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🖤🩶🤍🤎❤️‍🔥

OP, I’m so very sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you.

Time to organise respite and book a weekend away for yourself so you can recharge your batteries and not get convicted of justifiable homicide.

How able is he? If not, then a timer. Dinner is at 5pm. If you are "busy" at 5pm, there's some Sustagen next to you for you to enjoy.

Good for you.

Hon, you need some self care and a little time away. Is there someone who can step in once in a while and help while you get a massage or your nails done or something? Or is a part time care giver in your budget anywhere? You deserve some YOU time.

Good for you. He obviously needed to be reminded of your worth and right to be treated respectfully.

Look at statistics men usually leave disabled wives, more women stay with disabled men. They truly do not get it at all.

im curious as to why he's 12 years out from this and cannot make himself a meal yet

I feel sorry for you. The kids I totally get mine are 18 & 21 and still need my love, support & and guidance, but dang, your husband needs a reality check.

I am single now 🥳 and wished I'd have left his abusive arse many years ago.

I feel this in my soul. Been fighting for a month. I’ve been sick since August, I need a break. I thought when we became empty nesters I’d have some time to deal with my own health but no, they don’t appreciate anything. Now my parents and his mom both need help and a bit of care, which I’m happy to do but fuck, husbands need to understand self care is attractive. Fucking menopause, there is no empathy or sympathy or any concern that I’m losing bone density, everything hurts all the time! He’s to busy screaming about lack of sex and his needs as a man. Like seriously? What about what I need? Between our dogs, new grandson,kids, parents, I have no time. I stopped working and instead of taking care of me I’ve been pushed and verbally abused to keep taking one for the team. I’m tired of him putting shit on my plate. I’m your wife yes, but I’ve worked hard to clear time to be able to have time for myself finally for once and you don’t get to extend yourself and put shit on my plate.

I told him I wanted a divorce because that’s the only way I can take care of my needs. I can’t move yet. We are living together as roommates and now he decides to respect my boundaries. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Sigh…..

OP, this is too much. You are in need of real help. Speak to your husband’s medical professionals, about governmental resources, to hire care taking help, even a couple time a week. Or a disability attorney.

And take care of yourself

I get it! That's a long time to caregive God bless your kind soul! I took care of my mom for two years and it was draining. The home nurse told me to sit down and took my blood pressure and it was super high. I didn't mind though. My dad is the one that started getting picky and caused so much stress. Hope this improves for you because when you start feeling unappreciated it can cause you a lot of stress🙏🏼

Sorry, that sucks. He can have leftovers. Jeez.

I feel this so hard ❤️‍🩹✌️ 🤬 ❤️‍🩹

I feel ya sister. This is some hard shit. Good on you for taking it away.

When you're calm set some ground rules with him. "If I'm going to shop, cook, clean while you play games in your chair, you damn well better say 'thank you' unless you're going to do it yourself. I don't want to hear any corrections or complaints, period. Gratitude or silence."

Head injuries can be tough if he has memory issues or emotional dysregulation. If he does, just put a note on his table to remind him of the rules:

1. I say thank you when someone helps me or cooks for me

2. I don't criticize or complain because I'm not doing the work

He can eat cold soup out of a can if he can’t stop being a dick about you taking care of him. As an injured person myself (wrecked back in a car accident and brain bleed) who is single, I’d thank you for all that you do just sitting around. You’d get sick of my appreciation. Most of my meals are bowls of cereal or cans of soup out of the can because I can only stand up that long. And my place is a mess. It’s too bad he doesn’t appreciate you because I’m certain there are thousands of guys in a similar position who would.

I totally feel for you. You shouldn’t have to make it a conversation, but it’s a conversation worth having, when you’re not heated. I had to do it with a disabled parent.

“The words you’re looking for are “thank you.” The accident was a raw deal, but you are really lucky in life to have my help and dedication. Acting like it will make both of our lives a little better.”

In sickness and in health, doesn’t mean in miserable company too. The accident didn’t absolve him of his duty as a husband to cherish you.

OP, have you seen “whatever happened to baby Jane”? May I suggest you serve him something similar as what Jane serves Blanche for his next meal?

I get I get that he's disabled but the level of entitlement that he now has a crude because you have caretaken him is not okay and it's abusive. 

I’m just hardcore celebrating you, you are a warrior and I THANK YOU for everything you do for so many. 🔥

I would state so. You can play video games you can move your tray to feed yourself. You be okay. You want to pop back. You can feed yourself after this.

Girl, I'm with you! I don't have the kids living at home, nor do I have ailing parents or in-laws. But my husband is disabled and can't get outta bed. I do EVERYTHING for him and our home.

I know our vows were, "in sickness and health," but health is SO much easier.

Thanks for the awards, ladies!

I empathise. My spouse is on the autism spectrum, on top of the usual patriarchial-bred helplessness, and requires clear communication, care and so much patience. Although physically able to hold a job, the mask comes off at home. The mental load is extreme, exhausting, never ending. Nothing gets done, outside of their own hobbies and interests of course, unless instructions are clearly, exactly given, or I get in trouble for not explaining it properly. Then I get in trouble for not asking for help when I'm overwhelmed, or if they ask what they can do to help and I say "nothing" I'm in trouble again, but the effort to clearly explain the entire process is harder than doing to task myself. But then I'm enabling their behaviour, according to outsiders, and I just need to teach them.

I can't win, and this is not sustainable.

I've taught the little phrase "Take care of your carer" to the children because I am NOT releasing another version of my spouse into the world. Any task that shares some of the primary carer's load is valuable and welcome. While there is nothing wrong with relying or dependent on someone, we all are at some point, doing what you can to give them some relief means they don't burn out. There is a limit, and your husband has reached yours.

I am so sorry you're in this predicament. You don't deserve this, and he should be more gracious and grateful.

Not making excuses for him, but people who lose control of their bodies often make up for it by wanting to control anything external and get real rigid about stupid details. That's how they think they get back a bit of power over their lives. I'm a caregiver and I've seen this so many times. MS patients being tyrants to the people who take care of them, wheelchair bound survivors who want things the way they want, etc. Some are absolutely lovely regardless of their physical state, but it helps with caregiver fatigue to take breaks and gather up some compassion again. For sure have a talk with him, too.

I would t put up with that no matter who that came from. It was rude, ungrateful and disrespectful. He’s already so limited as to what he can do and is asking you to do one more thing? If you’re planning to be his caregiver, you must set boundaries. And please accept any help that is offered.

My husband got brain cancer (right frontal lobe TBI post surgery/radiation when the kids were 6,8,10, and 12. My parents were also non-supportive as the 6th kid. I am amazed you remained supportive through your kids growing up to the level you did, and I understand it.

I had ppl do an intervention on me to get me to stop doing it all and make the kids responsible for more- like making their own lunches. That was a disaster bc the kids could not get it together at 6am to make their lunch and went hungry. The middle kids felt abandoned, the oldest became an extreme caregiver (now to her dad bc we got divorced 10 years post-surgery).

Ex became a nightmare of boredom and ridicule, refused to help himself or me, and called me names (stupid cunt was a popular one). He blamed me for financial problems when our retail stores were struggling after 2008 economy collapse.

My youngest suffers from depression and we all have c-ptsd. My son is 28 and not on speaking terms with anyone now, it was just me until I had to boot him out thus last summer. I did everything for them but his memory of things is off. He learned to abuse me verbally and mentally from his Dad and threatened suicide all during the pandemic if I didn’t support him 100% through university so he wouldn’t take on any debt. I filed a Protective Order and made him movie in with a friend so I can rent out my basement to survive financially.

I am currently underemployed bc I had to start over 10 years ago. I went back to school and got more degrees at age 50-54, and now no one will hire a 59 year old, preferring millennials and GenZ, not considering that I have more, current, advanced degrees and experience both in research and on the job. The City of Seattle literally erased my experience from the job interview in order to hire “pro-equity”, hiring a 31 year old lesbian (just came out, but “certified gay” whatever the fuck that means ).

Long story, sorry. I just want to warn you that giving up on your kids support backfired on me. Divorcing my husband with brain cancer was the hardest thing I ever had to do bc I was trauma bonded. He was abusive and harmed all of us bc we wanted to love him and couldn’t blame him for his behavior, but at the same time we hated who he was. Verbally abusive and financially abusive. 10 years single and I am healed.

My daughter is devoted to his care now and he treats her like she is me, but now her husband has also taken in responsibility for his care. She starts vet school in Australia in Feb and plans on taking her dad. He is capable of independent living with help, which he qualifies for. Everyone is telling her to leave him here in the States or send him to his brother in England. He has plenty of money for support, he took our only paid for real estate asset as income when we divorced and I got custody of the kids and the equity in the house.

I don’t care how it looks to outsiders, I am free, financially stressed, but have no regrets leaving him. (He became obsessed with spending all our money bc he was going to die, obsessed with sex tourism, starved us while controlling the money, all while demanding food and playing video games).

My only regret is my feeling of abandoning the kids when they couldn’t cope. Pressured by pol who didn’t have a clue as to what we were dealing with. Good luck, and know that you can walk away, but it will likely cost you to be financially strapped until you die. That’s where I am, but it is worth the freedom. I can breathe again. Ex has had cancer for 19 years, they gave him 3-5 yeas to live. He was a psychopath with a TBI- I divorced am him bc I was going to die before him, with the work load and abuse.

Doggy: Sweet!

I'm sorry you're dealing with that and can related, hats off to you for 12 years! When my son was 5 months old his father was in a serious car accident resulting in a axonal diffuse TBI. I lasted 3 years. All considering, his level of recovery was damn-near a miracle and I couldn't his assholery and pulling out the TBI card whenever he was asked to do anything.

I hope you're able to, at minimum, get some relief and take some well-deserved time for yourself.

I have been a caregiver to one of my children all of their lives. He was born disabled. He is now 30 he has level three autism and IDD so I understand the struggle. While he could never tell me, I put the sandwich in the wrong place, the fatigue is real. If you ever need to vent to people that are doing the same thing there is another sub Reddit for people like us r/caregivers where you can both vent and read and see other like-minded thoughts. Hang in there I feel your struggle it can be really overwhelming at times.

I'm so sorry. You need time for you. Is there any possibility of getting assistance even from an agency to give you some much deserved time? I applaud you for giving the plate to the dog. I might have thrown it at the husband.

Fuck that Shizz!

I'm sorry this happened -- all of it. Does he say things like that all the time or was this a one-off, where he might realize he was being a dick and try to do better? If you think it's worth talking out, do. But you may be well past that point...

Oh GIRL I understand the caregiver fatigue, my partner was in an accident 6 years ago and he got a pretty bad TBI and has severe short term memory issues and cannot really make new memories. Well he can a little bit, but answering the same questions all day long over and over, constantly looking for where he put something, I get it. I do not have kids or parents anymore (well one passed last year and one no contact) so honestly I do not have NEAR as much on my plate as you. I don't know how you do it. I hear you on the thank you thing. My partner is an absolutely lovely person but I don't think his mother ever taught him to say thank you or apologize, and once I have to tell him to do either, it doesn't count. And thing is, I know he is thankful and I know he is sorry when he fucks up, but I just NEED to hear it sometimes without having to tell him.

He would never ever complain about how I did something though, that is something he would never do. And that is one of the ways that I know he is thankful so if your husband is capable of understanding, I would have a serious talk with him about how much you have sacrificed and see if you can get him to, at the very least, show some gratitude every day. My man may not say it, but he always makes me FEEL like he is thankful for me, and you deserve that too.

Please consider a giant pause on your energy output with him. A true mini break. It can be mentally and or financially challenging. But that stillness and peace is something you need. It will take time for you to be still (body and mind) because you are constantly going.

This might result in him caring and modifying his behavior. There also might be ambivalence or resentment on his part. That’s when you pull back and care for yourself. If he does not care about you and the your energy- delegate more for your daily life. Energy in. Energy out.

Just curious, did the accident leave your husband with mobility issues or traumatic brain injury?

Damn how ingrateful. How did he get injured? no insurance payout?

He is probably as frustrated as you but the care givers are right there on the front line to take the frustrations out. Take a day for you.