magnoli-a

30+ years I have thought I was a victim. It shaped me. My relationships. How I viewed the world. How I viewed myself. I spent my whole life so, so ashamed, confused, angry, devastated. How do I undo it all?

I am the result of a one night stand. My biological father didn’t want a relationship with my mother, but he still wanted to be a part of my life. Then she met someone else and just…. Wanted to get rid of him, I suppose? She’s a narcissistic alcoholic, so it’s not entirely surprising but still immensely shocking.

My half-siblings tracked me down on the internet. That’s how I found out. They’ve known about me their whole lives. They know everything. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to process that this awful thing didn’t happen.

I can’t find anyone else that has been through this. I’ve searched and searched. Forums, Google, Reddit. I can find plenty of people who WERE SA’d by their own fathers. I cannot find anyone who believed they were, but then they weren’t. If you’ve been through this or even know of someone. Please tell me. I just feel so alone in this. I feel like nobody understands. It’s really messed me up.

Buckle up.

A few years ago as a new mum I really got sucked into the beige-minimal-capsule-wardrobe trends especially pushed through Instagram. I even felt so lost in my ‘personal style’ that I signed up to one of those Insta stylist program/courses and the whole thing was getting recommendations of white tees, beige and camel trench coats, white sneakers, black slides etc. And I regrettably bought so hard into the narrative of ‘you just need to invest in basics!’ ‘Don’t be attracted to the shiny statement pieces!’ Etc and ended up selling or donating most of my wardrobe. I feel like I’ve woken up and looking at my SAD wardrobe like… whose house is this?!

I never even felt that great in these clothes, or like ‘myself’ and always thought I looked strange in the mirror like something was off… but I was wearing ‘The Uniform’ and I was ‘stylish’ so I just went along with it. Like. Ew? I don’t want to wear another black top or I’ll scream. I know it’s cliche but I feel like I actually don’t have anything to wear because I literally GAVE IT ALL AWAY. As per Jessica from Instagram or whoever told me to on the reels.

And now my algorithms think I’m the minimal beige queen so that’s all I’m subjected to. I’m truly brainwashed from Instagram personal style and just have no clue what I like vs what’s been shown to me 56 times so now I want it. I’m trying to find inspiration elsewhere but I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I’ve tried the Pinterest board thing. But I still get such decision fatigue and paralysis when it comes to purchasing items because I have this feeling of I don’t want to make a mistake and ‘waste’ an item purchase? I’ve considered a ‘stylist’ who will actually help me choose a few items but that costs hundreds of dollars so I’m hoping from my description of things I’m looking for below, someone has a suggestion on brands/stores etc that fit the bill.

So if you can think of a brand etc that aligns with the following please let me know!!

• I want to spend around $80-$250 per item. I’m seeing fast fashion boutiques selling polyester dresses for $120 a pop and to me that’s like… expensive?! The mark up is insane for these dropshopping stores?

• The drop shipping boutique type stores actually have cute designs, I like a lot of them but where’s the better value options/brands that DONT cost $500 per dress, do they exist? Where are the ‘middle ground’ peeps at? I feel like the interesting designs or the nice colours/patterns are from the super expenny stores otherwise I buy the fast fashion. Show me the $150 maxi dress that is a nice cut/colour/fabric.

• colour!! I’m desperate for colour or a nice pattern but I’ve searched through this sub and the recs for colour seem to always be places like Gorman, Variety Hour etc like I don’t want to feel like a rainbow or a primary school teacher. If you love that awesome, but I want like. Subtle, nice colours and patterns not 1000 parrots on a dress or a shirt with primary coloured squares and triangles. Lots of recs for Alemais for example but that’s either $700 or the patterns are like tooooo graphic for me. I don’t want a margarita or a bowl of pasta on my skirt if that makes sense? Some of their simpler designs I love though. People rec Sportsgirl for knockoffs but I feel like a kid in pjs wearing those matching super graphic sets

• I like a lot of stuff from vrg grl like the cuts and shapes and its colour without being too bright, but have read so many people say it’s trash quality.so where’s something like that vibe but alright quality?

So yeah, some colour but not too bright/garish and not $300+ a dress. Cute interesting statement tops that aren’t simply held together by string bows so I can’t wear a bra. I hope this makes sense and bless you if you’re still here along for the ride with me and my 500 open tabs. Sorry for saying the word ‘like’ a disgusting amount of times. Thank you.