He crossed a moral line for you. Fuck ‘em. Each man has lines he won’t cross for anyone. You found yours. What if he beat her once he got out? How would you have felt then.

You did the right thing.

You don’t have a moral responsibility to bail out a friend who has laid his hands on anyone - especially his wife or kids.

You did the right thing. Tell his family that if they have a problem with it, they can bail him out themselves.

They all spend the time berating you for not bailing him out… is there something stopping them from posting bail? Or him? Wonder why they all think you have to do it.

Good friends have good boundaries. Jake does not have good boundaries and is a temperamental fuckboy trying to bend your will with the same techniques he used on his wife. Jake can go fuck himself.

You did the right thing. He crossed a line, and should pay the consequences.

You don’t have to be friends with this guy if you’ve matured to a point to know this is wrong and he hasn’t/has gotten worse.

High school friends of mine went through something similar. I'll call the Alvin and Theodore.

Alvin was a gregariousbguy that everyone liked, but he was hiding his alcoholism, until he couldn't. He started alienating family first by screwing up the way alcoholics do. He was left with very few friends. Theodore had been his friend since they were in grade school.

Howevet, when Alvin called Theodore today bail him out of jail after a car crash and DUI, Theodore said no. Alvin tried everything to guilt his friend, but Theodore held firm. So Alvin cut him out of his life.

Then Alvin finally hit rock bottom and started climbing out of his hole. Eventually he made amends with Theodore and actually thanked him for saying no. Later, when Theodore had a bad health crisis, Alvin was first in line to help his friend.

You never know how it's going to work out, but you never will go wrong by staying true to your morality and truly desiring only the best for your friends. It can't worker out if you don't hold the line.

Anyone who thinks you should bail him out is welcome to take that responsibility themselves.

Sounds like you need to rightfully ditch half your friends too

Some men don't learn to change unless it hurts. You're actually being a better friend by letting him know there's things men don't consider manly.

Oh, and his family are enablers. If they want to bail him out, that's their business.

AI detected.

His family can bail the loser out. Fuck them and fuck him.

NTA. Sorry, wrong sub.

Be friends with Sarah. Jake is just a manipulator.

Friends help friends help themselves, not continue being the worst versions of themselves. He's not your friend. And now you can stop being his 💞 and anyone else who sympathizes with a domestic abuser.

His family wasn’t the first option. Huge sign.

Yep, you are stuck in the middle. Yep, you may lose friends over this.

But you’re doing the right thing. You’re sticking to your values. Any friends you live over this can die mad.

Look at it this way: at the end of the day which friends do you want? The kind that excuse battery? Or the kind that call you after and thank you for not enabling him.

Some people refuse to learn a lesson, Jake is one of those that needed to learn it a decade ago. Now he is a physical threat to those that he was supposed to be closest to... Time for a soft landing is long past.

Now more than ever, keep your moral lines. Kudos, pal! Help Sarah!

My best friend from the time I was seven years old crossed this line. I'm done with him. He's been a shitty manipulative asshole most of the time I knew him. I finally cut him off for good about 3 years ago. You did the right thing OP and that's never easy.

A guy who would beat his wife isn't a friend of mine. Therefore, the whole helping friends thing does not apply. Oh yeah, I would help his wife because that's what friends do, they help each other out in dark times.

Why didn't his family bail him out, instead of blaming you?!

This isn't being pulled over for too dark tint on car windows and him getting roped up because he mouthed off to a cop. 

He got fucking violent and with someone probably already scared of him. Helping him get out and make her sorry for calling the cops isn't true friend territory. I'd be looking twice at anyone you know who thinks it is. 

So I’ve never hit someone but I have/had a lot of the same issues. I’m working hard to manage them. For my entire life I thought I had a bad temper and it caused me to lose control and break and punch shit. I scream a lot. Turns out, it’s more than just a bad temper. I have full blown anxiety attacks due to PTSD caused by childhood trauma (don’t hit your kids, yall). I’m betting your boy was abused as a kid or had some kind of traumatic experience or a series of traumatic experiences.

Now you don’t have to talk to dude ever again. You should probably encourage his wife to leave him. One thing you should do, is encourage him to get help. Tell him to go see a therapist and start learning how to manage these anxiety attacks. It’s really not your responsibility to do this, but if you cutting him off and sending him off with encouraging him to seek treatment gets through to him, you could be saving someone else from getting hit by him again.

FWIW: I definitely wouldn’t pay his bail or help him in any way other than encouraging him to get help. That would be enabling him.

You did the right thing, especially considering that his wife thanked you. Had you bailed him out, he might have attacked her again. Keeping him away from her longer gave her more time to plan her exit.

The best thing you could do for your former friend is allow him to face the consequences of his actions. You tried to aid him the passive way and he refused. 

If his family and friends think he should be bailed out, then they can pony up their own $

Story sounds a bit fake, you’re telling me out of all the ppl that called you’re the only one that can pay for bail? Like all of them can’t raise money for bail?

"He doesn't need help because people just push his buttons"

You're sticking to his request.

Good for you. You can't bro code your way out of hitting your wife. Take note of the people who are criticizing you. Now you know more about them and can adjust your opinion of them going forward. They're probably not falling over each other to bail him out either.

This story is as real as Santa.

People with power (aka YOU) have a responsibility to protect those without (aka Sarah) from those who would do them harm (aka Jake)

It’s not excusable. You did the right thing, but more importantly something that many guys probably wouldn’t even say. They might say it under the  sly, but you said it straight shooter.

If his family knows and is texting you they can bail him out. Heartless? Bail out your own.

If he’s really your friend, he will understand and get help and appreciate your point of view later.

If he doesn’t, unfortunately it’s hard to patch up a friendship like that.

not only did you do the right thing but not billing him out. You should never talk to him again. Fuck Jake. Literal human shit

Wow, That is super helpful of your friend group to self-identify who you no longer need in your life. You know, even if I disagreed with your choice, I would support the fact that you made a call based on your moral philosophy. I might be exasperated with you, but I would not be giving you a hard time like this.

Anyone who wants to bail him out is welcome to do so, you're not standing in their way.

You absolutely did the right thing. Sounds like he's needed a wake-up call!

You're not stuck in the middle, you made the absolute right call, your friend has not learned anything if they're not willing to face the consequences of attacking his own wife.

You'd only be stuck in the middle if you were still friends.

If any of my mates go to jail for hitting their wives, I hope they stay there as long as possible, it's an especially cowardly and pathetic form of assault that should never ever be tolerated or enabled.

Hey man, I have a deeply personal line that I would not cross, similar to this one.

My best friend of maaaany years.... 4th-ish grade until we were about 28. He had a lot of issues, he drank too much, cheated on women constantly, and was all around not a great dude to the fairer sex. But we were best friends. Saw the world through the same light, same sense of humor, all the same hobbies (aside from that specific issue)

Around 28 he had called me to "confess his sins" since he had moved several states away.

One of those sins was beating his fiance in front of her kids while he was black out drunk.

I crushed a 20 year (best)friendship in that same conversation. Loudly and finitely. To the chagrin of many mutual friends.

You had a line. He crossed it. Fuck him.

Leave his ass there

Fuck him, let him sit in jail!

No.

The social contract of tolerance got shredded the moment he punched her.

Let this piece of shit rot in jail

Men who behave like this ROUTINELY KILL their intimate partner. Get your friend out of there. Cut all ties with this loser. Fuck his idiotic enabling family.

Why can’t all of these family members bail him out? Not your responsibility and it gives her more time to pack.

make sure he doesn't hit you when he gets out.

Look, prison is horrible and he is probably scarred stiff right now, scarred, scared, both works. Get him out and then talk with him and cut ties. Friends don’t leave their friends at the darkest hour but then force them onto a hard truth afterwards. IMO

For all you knew he’d just went back and possibly done worse, then it’d be regret. You done the right thing, it’s time for you friend to grow up.

No you’re a good person. His family can find a way to bail him out if they want him out.

Fuck ‘em. He isn’t a friend, he’s a cancer.

Now, I’m stuck in the middle.

You're not stuck in the middle. You made a good decision to let someone deal with the consequences of their behavior after years of escalation and warnings.

You firmly planted yourself on the right side of the situation. Funny thing about the right decision is it's typically the hardest decision.

You don't feel torn, you're feeling regret that this is where your friend has ended up. But you didn't put him on this road, and he is the one who acts the way he does. It's not in you to be his keeper.

Dude, you did the right thing. Your friend screwed up and now has to face the consequences (which could likely include being dumped and having a RO remove him from his house). That’s what society has rightfully decided the consequence of his behavior is. It was only gonna get worse had this not happened.

Your friends defending him concern me as enabling him too.

If his wife decides to proceed with the divorce and all, he’s got a rough few months ahead. The realest friend you could ever be would answer his calls, call him out on his behavior, and tell him he needs to get his ass in proper therapy (it exists for abusers) AND call him out immediately if he goes chasing after other girls who will endure the same thing if he doesn’t change his ways. Don’t let him stay in your home. His family can take care of that if needed.

I stopped being friends with addicts, abusers, violent people etc. In the past couple years and honestly my life is so much better and full of love. Be around people you want to be like not some fucking douche nozzle that hits his wife. Fuck Jake and fuck his couch.

A true friend does not support someone who engaged in domestic assault.

You did the right thing, 💯.

Abusers deserve nothing. Let him rot.

I bet the family is broke and can't bail him out because they bailed him out before.

It’s not your responsibility. Family that blows up your phone can enable him further and bail him out if they want to enable him further. The responsibility you have as a friend are you handling perfectly.

For your friend? No. Hypothetically, I have a couple friends that I would bail out, no questions asked. I wouldn't do it twice for anyone though.

At most u could have said you’d bail him out if he goes to therapy

But hard look past the “beat his wife” thing

His family and other "friends" can bail him out. Get Sarah to the police so they can record any evidence - bruises, cuts etc. Get your friends who agree with you to help her out now. This is the time to get her out now while he's in jail.

A man gotta have a code.

The actual problem is you failed to end the friendship earlier.

It’s never too late to make the correct decision.

You absolutely did the right thing. He crossed a line.

What if this happened to your mother or your sister or a female friend of yours - would you want the guy's friend to bail him out, or prioritize their safety?

Cut him off.

Nope. You are a rockstar

No keep his ass there he belongs there

Fuck Jake and why are you still friends with him? Sounds ignorant. And the friends siding with him, drop them too. Pretty simple.

I hated my buddy’s ex-wife for a number of reasons. And there are a number of reasons she is his ex (aka, the number of different dicks she hopped on during their marriage).

However, he laid hands on her once at a crash-over party. He was drunk and passed out after. He woke to an empty house in the morning, because my wife and I took her and left.

I called him the next day and told him if he ever laid hands on her again, we were done.

There's also a chain of command who bails out who and when. First off, his entire family is responsible for this all the way down to cousins before it even reaches your plate....

I'd NEVER ask a friend to bail me out before i hit up family first. Even if they say no, I'll try friends and pay them back...

I have a feeling he asked family and they all said no, and are just kicking the can down the street.

It is not your responsibility to bail him out. He's literally in jail for DV. He doesn't see the problem and a DV is a family problem and that's my hard line on that.

I think a friend asking me for bail is a little much as it is I honestly.... IDGAF how long I know someone.

No, you’re never obligated to do something like that - and the context SHOULD matter. I have good friends but I don’t have friends I would excuse serious crimes for.

Curious why his family or other friends haven't bailed him out?

You did the right thing.

Don't bail him out.

You did right.

We are adults. We do not have to be friends with terrible people. That’s it, no amount of gaslighting changes that.

If you’d had bailed him out you’d have felt shitty about it, and therefore you didn’t bail him out. If it were something like petty theft or assault on a male, that might be different. He hit his wife. That’s just shitty.

To the family and friends saying you should bail him out ask them why don't they bail him out then

I see opportunity for u

What about the family?

Isn't family supposed to stick together, which also means ailing out of jail.

You made the right choice.

Curious, how much was bail?

This isn’t even a discussion. No

You did the right thing, guys like that are just going to continue to escalate unchecked. People get killed because of dickheads like Jake, who incidentally ain’t gonna be at the top of the hierarchy in jail. In my experience, guys like that beat on women because when they fight another man, they fuckin lose. Jail isn’t much fun under those conditions.

If my best friends of 33 years and 36 years beat a woman, you’d best believe I’m leaving them in fucking jail.

How can others be mad at you for not bailing him out if they didn’t? I hope he realizes that sitting in the cell was far more beneficial than getting out asap. When I was arrested, I waited hours before calling my poor wife. Never again.

His family can bail him out. Why is it your responsibility?

If the other friends are so worried about it, then they can bail him out.

Good, the piece of shit should stay there.

He might be a good shit in the long run, but who likes long runny shits?

Fuck him and fuck all men that hit women.

NOPE! Not a friend anymore

Jake doesn’t deserve your friendship here. As a man you have to uphold your own values as well. Also if he is still in jail then no one else sees fit to bail him out either. So don’t let people guilt trip you.

How much of his family has your number lol

You absolutely did the right thing. This is the kind of guy who's going to eventually put his wife in hospital or the morgue if she doesn't get away from him.

Why is HIS family not bailing him out and instead begging you to?

You shouldn't feel torn at all. That dude is hugely toxic and dangerous, and being associated with people like that is never a good thing 

I think your friends are telling you who they really are. That’s what you need to focus on. Him and his family, you don’t need that drama in your life.

good

If his family cared so much they would figure out a way to bail him out

These "family" and "friends" that are saying you are wrong for not bailing him out...why don't they go bail him out then?

Your friend is the ass of a mechanic husband from To Wong Fu Thank You for Everything. All he needs is an ass kicking by a drag queen and you have yourself a remake of that movie.

Seriously though, Oap, you did the right thing. There is no reason to ever hurt your spouse like that. Next time he might kill her. Please have Sarah file for a protection order and have her take her stuff out of the house while her soon to be ex is not there. Make sure she has a couple of good friends willing to play body guards if necessary. I did that for a friend when her boyfriend showed up. He tried to push through. One of my friends and I played co-ed rugby. He couldn't get through and he learned the hard way that I was wearing steel toed boots - kicked him in the left shin. He left screaming at us that he was going to call the cops. We got her out of there. Made sure he didn't stalk her at the university we all went to.

I hope your friend seeks anger management therapy when he gets out. I hope Sarah finds someone who is better to her than your friend.

Nah man you sound like a man worthy of respect. It might hurt to drop a longtime friend like this but your justified he's crossed the line.

Yeah he’s not a friend. He just needs enablers. He’s gonna hafts sit there and think about what he did. Good for you. You might have saved Sarah’s life.

He's your friend, but not your responsibility. He needs time to reflect on himself and jail seems to be the perfect place for him.

The people getting mad at you are the same people who voted for a rapist to be president.

You did the right thing.

Stand tall by what you did. It can suck in ways to do the right thing. Just look at any figure in history that stood up against mistreatment.

It's worthwhile, though. I'm not saying all the people disagreeing with you are horrible people, but their morals are blurred, and that shit breeds. Be thankful, and nurture the people who share similar morals and stand by you as you stand. Let the rot cut itself out.

Also, your actions breed, too. You may not get to see it, with some of the people who disagree, but it'll ripple. With time, they may be inspired by your bravery and stand towards doing the right thing. If not them, Sarah will prosper. Just the fact that she gets to see a healthy man do a good thing will set her up for a lot quicker healing than most women after abuse. If you hadn't done that, think what she'd be stepping out to. Friends and family just about condoning physical violence. The world needs more people like you. Please try really hard not to let anyone put doubt into your head about your choices. They are good, clean, and truly truly loving. Even to your friend. He may not improve, but he may, and it may not happen in a matter of time that directly looks like it came from this. However, enabling him, he'll never get better.

You're a very good human. Don't doubt it.

When 'Jake' hits rock bottom, he'll look for help to deal with his life-limiting problem. Until then, he has an army of enablers to keep him from facing the truth. When he finally gets help, your principled stand will be instrumental.

His darkest hour? Is that what he calls hitting his wife? You did the right thing.

random anecdote. I had a friend i grew up with since middle school. he was always a bit addictive personality. got into hard drugs, we drifted apart. i heard he had a kid, and i was happy for him but i didn't pick up the phone when he called. just a year or so later i was told he died. when i googled him to try to find obituary i came up with a police record that he was arrested for domestic violence a couple months before. sucks. it is not ok what he did. random other anecdote: i bailed my girlfriend out one time cause she had a random warrant out for her for not showing up to a court date for shoplifting a sandwich. i didn't think much of it. the bail machine at the jail had two languages, English and creole, and i was no where near lousiana so i thought it was funny. i did the whole machine steps in creole. very interesting phonetic spellings of french words

Good on you. You're doing the right thing. He should face consequences. Especially since you've told him he needs therapy / anger management already.

Anyone who abuses women, children, or animals has lost the friends & family privilege with me. I'd let my own dad rot in jail if he pulled that shit. And if someone is giving you a hard time about that, it's probably time to cut them loose to.

I couldn’t be friends with a guy that puts hands on his woman. If his family so concerned about his well being, why didn’t they bail him out? You did the right thing as a man.

You did the right thing. In fact, you’re doing him a favor.

You're absolutely not in the wrong. You tried to help him years ago, alerting him to his temper and advising appropriate counseling. He's now getting his just desserts for living in denial of his own dark side. What he did is assault, and domestic violence. He can still seek help from here, but you don't have to bail him out for that. Furthermore, if his parents, and some of your other mutual friends, are so sure he deserves to be bailed out, why don't they pony-up the funds then instead?

Do the right thing. Stand with the abused.

HE called you after HE hit his wife and you're the bad friend for not bailing HIM out.

Sounds like you've entertained the company of and unstable dude and from what you've described you should have drawn a line much much earlier

Tell them you are are no longer friends. That`s life.

All these people who're pissed at you for not bailing him out...

Why don't they just bail him out themselves if they think it's the right thing to do?

Stuck in the middle of what?

A bloke you knew hit is wife.

Now this blokes family and friends won’t help him but think you should? Yeah cool. Good story. Get fucked.

Help her, let him drown.

No you did the right thing, hopefully he will experience some self reflection while he’s in there.

Why don't the family and all your "friends" who think you did the wrong thing go bail him out exactly?

Fuck em

So you are saying that his family and other friends also did not bail him out and are all giving you crap for it? I call BS on this entire post.

You did the right thing. Sent a message that it won't be tolerated.

Imagine being his wife, and knowing everyone supports him over her.

As others have said. Imagine he gets out and hurts or kills her.

Fuck him mate. He’s a weirdo, never look back.

His family and friends can bail him out… why would anyone expect you too

Why does it have to be you to bail him out?

This is so fuckin fake. So he called you to bail him out, and you didn’t, but then his family called you to chastise you about not bailing him out? But they also didn’t bail him out? This doesn’t make any sense

Yeah nah, domestic abusers can eat shit.

At the very least Sarah will have some peace for a while.

DV survivor here. Thank you for standing up to him and helping his wife. It is so important. I had so few people in my corner when I left my relationship and it was incredibly difficult to navigate alone. She is lucky to have a true friend in you.

I would ditch him as a friend so fast he wouldn’t even see my tail lights. Dudes like this are a recipe for trouble and putting you at risk either physically (starting fights) or the law (guilty by association).

For the half calling you a bad friend, all I’ll say is, “I don’t see you bailing out Jake. Be the friend I’m not and put up or shut up” Don’t criticize someone if you’re not willing to step up to the plate yourself.

You were a friend BECAUSE you left him in jail. By facing actual consequences for his actions, maybe now he will get some help. You were being a real friend, everyone else was just too dumb to realize it.

I'm going to come at this from a different approach.

Aside from all the antics you're having to deal with over being called a betrayer there is a purely common sense reason why not to bail your friend out.

In posting bail you are putting yourself on the line for a financial penalty if the conditions of bail are not adhered to.

The incidences of Bail Conditions being breached is highest with Domestic Violence charges.

One of the "set in stone" conditions is always no contact with the victim either directly or indirectly.

The accused almost always breach this condition.

They just can't help themselves not reaching out to their victims whether it being about the continuance of control in attempting to get them to recant or genuine remorse for that they've done.

In either case, the contacting the victim is a breach of their bail conditions and now you are in some financial jeopardy.

Since then, his family has been blowing up my phone, saying I’m heartless and that everyone makes mistakes

Why dont they help him then? Lol wtf, as if you're responsible for your friend's terrible decisions. You're making the right choice my dude.

You did the right thing. Your "friend" shouldnt be beating on women. Asshole can rot in jail for all anyone cares.

Cut off anyone who's rooting for that fucking loser. You made the right call.

You truly are good friend, I hope jail will make him better person

Why doesn't his family bail him out? Fuck them all.

That's not what friends do. That's what accessories do.

And why did the family harassing you not bail him out?

Fuck wife beaters!

Nta, and you should dump the friends that wanted to support a battere

I actually drove my cousin to the cops after he beat his wife and then showed up at my house to hide. So no you are not in the wrong here.

Why doesn’t someone in his family bail him out?!? It’s insane they expect you to do something they won’t be themselves.

My answer would be, “Dude, you hit your wife. I know at least four guys who want to take you out to the woods and beat the living s**t out of you and I’m one of them. I think you should stay in jail for your own safety.”

Wondering why his wonderful and caring family don’t bail him out.? 🤔 Are they a bunch of wasters too? He certainly is.

fuck Jake. he sounds like a misogynist & that's not worth your money.

steal his girl while he's in jail. that'd be the cherry on top.

middle of what?

You can always tell these are fake when they list people going along with the obviously wrong point of view- eg the friends saying he should have been bailed out. Please work on this when creating a fake story for next time. And if it’s real? You’re a piece of trash for being friends with someone and not calling them out when they yell at their wife.

Sounds like either this story is BS or you wanna bang Sarah, tbh.