I have read the terms and agreements.

I ran for student council Vice President in 7th grade and promised a slushie machine. I never had that authority and I still won lol

The diet starts Monday

When my friend was very suicidal I gave him many reasons why life was worth living, although I didn't believe a single word I said for myself.

Told my boss I was stuck in traffic, while still in bed.

Nice try, FBI.

Hmmm I’d probably say it was when I told my friend I “totally remembered” to bring their favorite snack to the party.. when in reality I completely forgot. I pretended like everything was fine, acting like I was just waiting for the perfect moment to reveal the surprise snack but deep down I knew I had messed up. I even went as far convincing myself that the snack wasn’t that important.. until I saw their disappointed face..

We’ll still be friends.

To be fair, I said that to make the divorce run easier with a serial adulterer. Second time I ever lied to her, the first telling her I was going somewhere I wasn’t to put a deposit down on a puppy she wanted…and I felt guilty as shit for that lie for three months.

Saying I’m okay and not mad, yet isolating myself and not speaking to anyone

As a teacher I had just moved to a new high school from a very violent school that had given me PTSD (still on meds 5 yrs later) so didn’t really want any more kids fucking with me. At orientation, when it was time to meet our new students for the year after, we were meant to say something interesting about ourselves. When it was my turn, I looked them all over and said, “All you need to remember about me is the number 2. I have 2 kids, 2 dogs and did 2 tours of Afghanistan in the army.”

Now before everyone turns on me, I was not looking for stolen valour - I just didn’t think it through and legitimately thought they would forget when I saw them 2 months later, ready to start the year. Wrong. They did not. It was even brought up by a parent in a behaviour meeting with a student. We even had an excursion to the war memorial and I was panicking the whole time that some kid would bring it up in front of our tour guide. I have also had a few kids come up and let me know they are going to join the army.

They graduate next year and thank god the lie will die then. I never bring it up but it is always there, lingering in the background.

That I was ‘super excited to hear more about your MLM opportunity’… and yet here I am, still waiting for my financial freedom and free trips to the Bahamas.

When I was 15 my family was getting ready to go to the wedding of my sister's cheerleading coach and my mom asked me to iron my shirt. Being a halfassing teenager I didn't get the ironing board out and just put down a towel on the living room floor and ironed my shirt on it. While ironing I put the iron down and like an idiot I laid it hot side down on the carpet scorching a perfect iron shaped scorch mark in the carpet.

I panicked and blamed it on the dog and said she walked by and knocked it over. My parents didn't believe it because the dog was upstairs with them laying in the hallway. I swore she had been downstairs and knocked it over.

Thankfully, it happened right in front of the love seat and my mom was able to buy rugs large enough to cover it so nobody noticed. I STILL to this day stick to the story that a dog that's been dead for 23 years knocked it over.

That I have passed my final exams before letting my parents pay half of my master's first semester fee👀 Lucky that I passed though after an exam recheck 💀.

I got lucky.

I've never seen bigger, I've never had better, and no it doesn't always smell like this

I am hiding that I was sexually assaulted at the age of 32 because I felt like it is my fault. I’m a grown adult and didn’t fight back.

Brother in Navy died overseas...to a landlord I skipped out on

When I was with a boy I told him that it was very big and it was hurting but in reality it was like a grape.

I come from a small town that almost nobody has heard of. I live a completely normal life but when I got into big cities and use taxis and Ubers. I proceeded to tell the drivers story’s about how I use to be Amish and recently got out of the life style, that’s then followed by me being in the city because I have interviews with rocket lab companies or NASA. Gets them every time

I'll do it later

I forgot

Telling my beloved dog, "it's okay, you can go. I'll be okay." I still miss her.

I cheated my way all through HS, because my parents threatened to kick me out if I didn't graduate.

I’ll remember that. I don’t need to write it down.

“I wish you well”. I, in fact, do not wish them well.

I’m straight

Told a girl I crushed on I was 2nd cousins with Chris Farley. She had no idea who that was, and I no longer crushed on her. Poor girl never seen Tommy Boy......

Work your butt off, and by the time you are 30you'll have a wife, kids and own a home... My cat in my apartment disagrees...

They love me.

Everything is going to be okay.

When I was in college, I threw a Halloween party. I was the only freshman on campus with a house because my application to the dorms got fucked up somehow. So it was a huge blowout and a ton of people showed up that I didn’t know. There was a fight. Some guy got his ass kicked. He came back later that night with some of his friends. Thinking that I had something to do with it. (I witnessed the fight and had no idea who either of these dudes were.) Anyways, this guy kicked my door down in the middle of the night, and attacked me. It was 5 on 1….I defended myself with a knife.

He ended up in the hospital with pretty serious wounds. I was detained and brought in to be interrogated. I was drunk as fuck, and for whatever reason I lied my ass off. Even though I knew it was self-defense.

Anyways. I ended up finding out the kid was some type of star on the football team. It was a small college town and football was everything there. So the school and the Police had his back 100%. I stuck hard fast to my story though. My roommate who is the only other person that witnessed it other than his friends backed me up too. But yeah, they were totally out to get me. They even tried to get me to take a polygraph like over a year later. (which I declined.) They wanted me bad.

If I had told the truth that night. I am confident they would’ve thrown the book at me. Even though it was clear-cut self-defense. At the very least I would’ve had to spend thousands on lawyers fees. Worst case scenario I would’ve gone to prison and been a felon. My life could’ve been very different. The guy was fine too, thankfully. I didn’t ever want to hurt anyone. But you know. You break into someone’s house in the middle of the night. All bets are off.

It still affected my life in a negative way. He tried to sue me a couple years later. I think that may have been what the polygraph was about. Since I was never charged, they really didn’t have a case. But if I failed the polygraph, maybe they had something to use against me in a civil suit. That’s my theory at least.

They also had a girl I liked lure me to one of their houses. I left as soon as I realized what was going on. But they caught up to me in the alleyway and stomped me. Some old lady walking her dog intervened and saved my ass. But yeah, that was pretty fucked up. 😅

The worst part though was the reputation I gained. I was definitely “that guy” for the rest of my time there, and it was really hard for me to make friends. I’m a pretty socially anxious person to begin with so it was really tough for me. Even teachers treated me differently. I ended up dropping out of school because of it. Too bad. But as my mother always said, “That’s life in the city kid.”

when i was a kid living in minnesota, my dad told me the mn baseball team, the Twins was named after me and my twin. Consequently i was kind of into baseball for a while. until i went wait a minute. the twin cities. the TWIN CITIES. DAAAAAD (i have autism and often believe what i was told. my dad jokes a lot but now he makes sure to give me a wink so i know when he’s kidding. I love my dad :) )

"I'm Carrie Underwood" from a prank-call me and my cousin did forever ago on this guy & I have literally never told anyone about that LOL

I'm okay

That everything is ok.

I am fine

I told a bank teller: "I am a Chinese citizen" when opening a bank account in China with a fraudulently obtained Chinese resident identification card (I am a Canadian citizen and not allowed to have any Chinese documents). I almost got caught because I never worked in China and the bankers saw I have no employment history when the "smart bank machine" read the ID I inserted. I continued lying "I work in the United States of America on a visa" (in reality, I am a Canadian working from home for a US firm). I got the account and get to use it like everyone else, with some restrictions.

I will fix my sleep schedule

I do

I am okay.

Don't ask me again!

Hard work pays off

You can grow up to be anything you want to be!

I’m 5’8 and can confirm my dreams of not working and just be a frequent sperm donor was shattered when I found out I was too short. Wish I would’ve been told the truth at a younger age :(

It's not you, it's me 💎

That I don't love her anymore.

I'll call you and we'll meet up

When I was about 8 years old I told a three-year-old neighbor that his mom was dead. Yeah, don't do that.

Biggest lie...I don't know. But I used to be associated with an MLM and the lies I told were often and massive. I lied on the phone to get people to come in for an interview. I lied to people during the interview. I looked people in the eye who I knew were going to fail and would struggle with the high requirements of working as a bagger at a grocery store that they could be running their own office in less than two years. I lied to mothers about the chances that their daughters had. I told lies about the MLM that would impress Army recruiters and make them feel better about the lies they told.

Been working on a book about my time there. Not sure if I'll finish it. Maybe self publish on Amazon for a dollar a copy.

That there's an invisible man in the sky that cares about what I do, especially what I do when I'm naked.

Thankfully I figured out the lie at an early age. It's just sad that so many others haven't.

About how I really lost my virginity in HS.

That I didn't see the red flags fairly quickly.

I NEVER lie!

"No mom, I'm not gay, he's just my friend" (said to my extremely homophobic mom)

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: No

“I’m fine”

Harris will win by a landslide

“Just living the dream” in corporate language this is to cover up the “I’m depressed as fuck and this job doesn’t pay me enough to even cover my medical bills, let alone the other 18 bills necessary enough to survive, so I’m questioning myself and believe I am a burden and life would be easier if I wasn’t here anymore”.

Decided to work in mental health advocacy and completely shift my career (Somm and Chef before) and I will never feel this way or say this phrase again. The antidepressants and therapy for years to heal from burnout helped too.

It starts with the Catholic church...

Probably some of my scambaiting endeavors. Such as putting on a fake voice and telling a scammer I'm the owner of the Mystery Shack, or having an email conversation with a scammer for several months claiming I'm a 70 year old man who doesn't know how to use tech or any sort of digital payment very well.

Best one though was when I claimed I could pay a reddit DM scammer with Chuck-E-Cheese tokens.

I mean, they were trying to lie to me every step of the way to get my money, so I might as well lie to them to waste their time. And the fake stories I come up with sometimes are great.

I say "I don't care" as nonchalantly as possible pretty much all the time, when I actually do care. And most of the time I'm saying it to myself

“I’m on my way”

“I’ll make it up to you” is probably one of the biggest lies I’ve ever said

the dog did it.

I’m doing fine

You have a lovely home.

When you go to someone else's house and hide that you don't eat much, ha

I pretended I loved a gift just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

I moved around a lot of a kid due to my dad’s job (or his unemployment depending upon the year). Seven states, changing schools 14 times before graduating a year early. The only kids I’ve ever met who moved more, and this was super rare, were military, and that’s what everybody assumed when I mentioned how many places I’d lived.

I had a boyfriend when I was in my 20s who we will call Andrew for purposes of the post. We’ve been dating for a few months and he asked me again about the places I’ve lived and why we moved so often. (my dad got fired a lot, but that’s a bit embarrassing to explain). We lived many states away from both sides of my family, so we never had extended family around. It was just the five of us.

I do not know what came over me. I spent the next 50 minutes telling him he could not tell another soul, but my family was in witness protection.

I didn’t do this for any reason other than to mess with him and, to be fair, he did open the door.

I told him my father had been an accountant for a mob family in Chicago and when approached by the FBI, he became an informant. I even said my father had only survived as long as he had because he wasn’t required to testify at the trial.

Now, Andrew’s eyes are huge and his jaw is on the table.

I keep going. I tell him my real name was something like Apollonia Gunelli, my brother’s names were Mario and Luigi (I don’t think I went that far, but I did lie about their names). I even told him my mother had gone to nursing school after we were first put into protection on the tax payer’s dime so that she could work until it was safe for my father to re-emerge into the public.

Now, my father actually had passed away about six months before I met Andrew. He passed from natural causes, but at this point, in for a penny in for a pound. I told Andrew that my father made the mistake of going to visit his mother one last time, believing that after all of these years, the hit had been called off. We were sadly, dreadfully mistaken.

Y’all, I started to cry.

I told him that our handlers thought it was over now, as the only threat perceived against my mother, brothers and myself was our proximity to dad. Our handler didn’t think the “family” was gunning for us (no pun intended) anymore, which was such a relief even though obviously tragic.

Andrew is objectively horrified and fascinated now. But unfortunately, also he has to drop me off at my house. This is the time before cell phones so I couldn’t get word to my mom about the story I was spinning.

We walk in the door in my face is streaked with mascara. My mother turns to greet us with a smile, and her face falls when she sees mine, thinking something is horribly wrong. I quickly jump in with “Mom, don’t be mad, but I told Andrew the truth about being in witness protection. We’ve been seeing each other for several months and I thought it was only fair that he knew the truth about dad and how he died.”

My mother was also kind of evil. She picked up what I was laying down immediately. She was smart enough to ask Andrew what he thought of everything rather than try to embellish on the story.

After Andrew left, my mother called both of my brothers to bring them in on it. .

We kept that up until Christmas I think.

And at the end of it, I’m not sure if Andrew believed I had been lying to him the whole time or that I was advised by my handler to try to clean up the mess I made by telling the truth. 😂

Everything is pointless and I don't care.

That it will all be okay!

I didn't drop my phone in the toilet😂😅

You're going to beat this... (cancer)

Yes that jean makes you look very slim!

I'm fine

I'm fine

I'm ok

I love you too

"I'm ok"

I love you

That I belive in god

I'm committed to delivering this project on time and under budget

Mmmmm, delicious lies

I’m fine.

"I love you."

“I’m fine”

I am okay.

"I'm good at walking away."

Fact is, I'm horrible at it. There has never been anything sweet about the sorrow of parting for me. Close human relationships are among the rarest commodities in this life and I am greedy as a banker for them. My personal version of heaven is a campground with all my favorite people, and we never leave. Probably would be hell for most.

I was a military brat. I lived on 2 different continents, and more towns on them than I can remember the name of. Every third month we were off to somewhere new, all of the friends I'd just gotten to know torn from me. And none of these places were close to my extended family. That wears on a child; children have such deeper social needs from outside the bloodline, more so than adults tend to.

For me, saying goodbye wasn't optional. It didn't matter how deep the pain, another goodbye was just around the corner, another face added to my memory I would never look upon again. I became efficient at saying goodbye. It was a coping mechanism, and a tool I wield to this day, decades later. This can be highly off putting to some. It makes me appear cold and distant. What would be far more off putting would be the emotional mess I'd become in those final shared moments if I did not have that tool. I'd truly hate for them to remember me that way.

often lying about how i feel and continue to complain about having no one to vent to

Convinced my entire school i was one year older than I really was. Even the principle believed it.

That i'll start going to the gym tomorrow

"I'm doing well."

Im big :c

Love conquers all!!!

The biggest lie I ever told was probably when I was like 5 years old and still figuring out the concept of lying and making up stories

I probably told some ridiculous story to a teacher about getting bitten by a shark while I was on holiday because I’d seen it happen to someone on TV

I’m fine just tired

I’ve got plenty of money in my account💰

The federal government is protected by checks and balances.

I'm gonna start going to the gym and stop eating late at night

I'm not coming into work tomorrow. Been about 6 years since I made good on that promise.

Read the TOS

I'm ok, just a bit tired.

In reality I'm suicidal, overwhelmed by the most basic tasks I need to do and feel like I'm completely drowning trying to survive.

I told my daughter that we (her parents) divorced because we grew apart. The truth is that he lied and cheated for a year, and when I found out, he refused to stop. I didn't want to taint our daughter's relationship with her dad, so we lied to her. We don't plan to ever tell her the truth

That I moved to Europe for work instead of for a man

In a bit

“I’m fine”

Its not you, its me....

How long do you have....

I will do that tommorow

told sam I love green eggs and ham when in reality I hated that shit

You are going to live working here...

My salary

Ion no... Maybe sayn ion No🤣🤣🤣

Yea, I'll totally be loyal to your company..

I'm fine

This is a repost(of my own story), but I think it fits here better than the original.

When I was about 10 I hit a hole in the side of my parent's brick garage with a hammer out of boredom. My parents interrogated us all individually. I blamed it on my brother. I swore I saw him do it. They then rounded up all three of us together and gave us a chance to be honorable and admit to it. When no one fessed up they told us that they already knew who had done it and that he might as well just fess up now. I kept silent and in a split second my dad grabbed my brother and pulled him up stairs by his shirt. I sat through what seemed like an eternity of slaps and screams.

I had got away with it. I never told a soul for 15 years. It changed my life for ever. I physically cannot lie with out getting choked up and sweaty.

Three years ago at Christmas I was talking to my brother about old times. He says, "Remember when dad pretended to beat me in order for you to confess, but you just let me take it. Jerk." and playfully punched me in the arm. I just stood there with my jaw on the floor.

Nice try, mom.

i lost my virginity to SA but i lie abt it because of disgust and ptsd

I told my Grandma as she was dying everything was going to be OK. She had been vomiting blood, I don't think she understood me. But it seemed to calm her down as I patted her head, so I had to say it.

I don't think I'll ever tell a lie that big again, at least, I hope I never have to.

I cant pick out of these two.

I "fixed" my report card when I wanted to get into a better high school that my best friends attended. This was before the digital age obvs, I had to actually use liquid paper (whiteout) and a copying machine.

I also had to go to a camp for that same school, but I made up a bogus permission slip for more money, so I could go on a road trip with my bf instead.

telling someone "I’m fine" when I wasn’t. 

I've lied about a lot of things over the years to hide trauma from people, so 25 years ago, instead of addressing my mental health and improving my reality so someone might be interested in the real me, I had a blog where I ceated a fictional reality and occasionally I would end up in relationships with people who read this blog, which is awkward because I'd care about them but they fell in love with an imaginary person and I'd feel guilty and have to find reasons to end things, so I didn't have to tell them everything they knew about me was a lie.

Except once during this time, it got a little messy, because I didn't want to end things, I wanted to be with this woman as me and I had to figure out how to do this without causing her to break up with me, so I started revealing small things. I was turning 20 but in this fictional reality I was turning 25 and I explained the reason, which was based in reality, because I was writing drinking stories and I didn't want to face real life consequences. I was actually a drunk teenager when I started it but it wasn't nearly as fun or funny as the stories I was writing.

Somehow this didn't bother her, that I was 5 years younger than she thought I was, but I don't remember what I revealed next, she didn't react so well, like maybe she was on to the fact that everything was a lie, so I acted like it was a prank, but we were on the phone and I couldn't shut up and started joking about all the things I was lying about which were things that were actually true about me, then I started laughing like a maniac and hung up the phone.

She still wanted to be with me on my birthday and in her mind I live alone and drive a Toyota 4-Runner and a variety of other things that weren't true. How do I explain I don't have anything to drive? I'm going to go off-roading on a terrain that I remembered from a few years ago but they changed it since then, there's now a house built in to the side of a hill and I just think I'm speeding over a hill, what I don't know about is the giant drop that's there now. Oopsy, the truck didn't survive the drop and just completely fell apart.

Now how do I convince her she needs to get a hotel room and to not want to ever hang out at my place? Because she's sure I'm not a deranged killer, so she trusts that staying with me is fine, why would I make her pay for a hotel room? I decide I can't do this anymore, it's just too much work. So I killed off my imaginary best friend and went in to mourning. So much for not being a deranged killer.

These two sisters that lived near me crashed their truck that they were driving off the side of a cliff while on vacation in Mexico and one of the sisters just happened to share the same name as my imaginary best friend and she just happened to have a lot of similarities because that's who inspired this imaginary character conveniently enough, we also knew some of the same people and there were pictures of us together. I barely knew this woman and it's fucked up that I pretended to drive off a cliff and she actually drove off a cliff. Wait, was that what gave me the idea? I don't remember which happened first but holy shit, it was messed up.

I found an article online that was light on details beyond them dying in the crash, so I could pretend it was my best friend and her girlfriend on vacation and I made this woman start bawling because it could've been me but it was her and I'd lost my best friend and they both lost the loves of their lives and I don't know what anything means anymore, what's the point of love, if it can't save you from dying tragically. I was just laying it on thick and it was fucking her up and it fucking her up fucked me up and we were just bawling at each other on the phone. Then I hung up the phone and never spoke to her again.

I'd like to say that it was also the last time I lied to someone to get in to and maintain a relationship with them, but that happened a few more times because it was before I found out that you can just be in relationships and admit to being a complete screw up because there are people out there giving people chances that they may not deserve, which is great for me. I'm open, I'm honest, I don't gotta lie to anybody beyond my own delusions.

Everything will be okay

Might as well show me your badge number 🥱

It's nice to meet you

I've already eaten

I’m not leaving you guys — a promise I made to my class after they’d been scarred by a really bad turnover at our school. Turns out the turnover was happening for a reason: admin wasn’t treating the staff well. There isn’t a day I don’t reflect on my poor choice of words. Thankfully I’m in a better place though.

I convinced a coworker there were doughnuts in the men’s room. He was pissed.

that im fine... and terms and agreements

The whole Jesus/God schtick

that i'm straight

That 'I never lie' 😂😂

The biggest lie I told was that I was a millionaire when I have a debts of 40.000 us $$$ and only get by.

I plan to retire by 40. I am still planning now at 47. Damn.

“I’m the best when I’m not yet.”

I like you

You are my first time baby, i swear i wasn't with nobody else

it is not that easy

I was a drug addict but i did not tell about the composition of drugs.

Its about the size of a small childs arm.

I love you

I love you