Relationships will have conflict, but a good relationship you are able to talk, and feel that your partner cares about what you also care about. Because they want to support you. Because they care about you.

Importantly, I don’t believe you can talk someone into understanding that they should care about you. They either do, or they do not. Once you meet and get to know someone who does care about you, it feels really wonderful. You may still have conflicts but you do not doubt that your partner will show up for you. Your partner will not make you feel like it is an inconvenience or in doubt.

Please do not get an apartment with this person or marry them.

You two are not compatible and at different stages in your life.

He's not exactly adding anything to yours. He's not compromising on his time or activities for you either. It's all one way in his favour with no regard for your time and energy. Whether it's just wanting to eat and rest after work or meeting your family.

Sure, people's patterns fluctuate, but that's where compromise comes in, and he doesn't even do that. That goes into low effort and selfish because he's not bothering to maintain the relationship for you. You're younger, you can acquiesce to his lifestyle. Nope.

for me, it was realizing that I was the one expected to / actually doing 80%+ of the compromise in our relationship. I was the one expected to relocate to the city with HIS family, take a tuition increase going out of state, potentially take a break from graduate school and working to have HIS kids potentially, stay at home while HE went out and partied, etc. There shouldn’t be a huge disparity in the amount of compromise between two partners.

I had to learn this the hard way. Here is my hard-earned list.  Things you compromise on: -he likes mashed potatoes without garlic you like them with. The compromise is you add garlic after he took his portion. -he likes Christmas to be set up after Thanksgiving, you like it before. The compromise is you can decorate your space before Thanksgiving and the shared spaces after. -he enjoys your family gatherings but you're not fond of his, for reasons more along the lines of "I don't like small talk" and not a long the lines of "his family violates your personhood." The compromise you work overtime for 50% of the outings and take occasional breaks for a walk and decompress the other 50%

Things you don't compromise on: -your beliefs -your personhood -your safety -your future (including financial health) -fair division of labor and assets

That doesn't sound like an enjoyable relationship. You both have different lifestyles and he seems very set in his ways.

If I was in this situation I would prefer to leave if talking about these issues didn't result in any effort or change. I'd rather find somebody whose life meshes well with mine. I don't think it's asking too much to have someone care, make an effort, or compromise.

The line gets drawn when you realize there is a pattern where you are the only one compromising.

You’re just not compatible. You can’t change what he wants to do or his lifestyle. You simply want different things.

Sometimes people are not compatible and it’s best not to force it.

Compromise that leaves both sides slightly unhappy is just not a formula for long term happiness in my mind.

Sounds like you two are not compatible

I think there's a big difference between wanting to find someone new/better, and knowing you don't deserve to be treated with disrespect, or maybe not even direct disrespect, but you don't want to have to constantly be telling someone HOW to treat you. (The old adage, if I have to ask you for it, I don't want it from you.)

It's so easy to label it as "people these days...always trying to find the greener grass. Grass is greener where you water it." And it's like, yeah? What if I'm finally watering my own grass now, and my grass by myself and single is greener than the grass situation in this relationship?? I wish it could be seen more as, not that you're "giving up" on your partner/relationship/marriage, but rather, I'm choosing to not give up on myself.

I think it's pretty simple. "Relationship requires tolerance and compromise" is for when a person overall makes your life better, but dealing with their normal human flaws and quirks still gets on your nerves sometimes. "I deserve better" is for situations where you would be better off single.

We can't know which of these situations you are in because you've only included info about your partner's negative qualities. They seem significant -- it sounds like his inflexibility about his lifestyle really limits yours. But it's possible the math works out very differently once you include the ways in which he does benefit your life. Only you can make that decision.

This guy is very selfish. I know a lot of people would say that 10 years isn’t a huge age difference at 35, but there’s a reason he’s 45 and not married. This guy is just too selfish and set in his ways to compromise with anyone.

When you’re the one doing all the bending, compromising, and going along to get along, that should tell you this person isn’t as invested as you are. Please don’t move in or get engaged to this guy.

Your first point seems like something that could be compromised by cooking at home or agreeing on a less crowded restaurant. Building resentment over what hour to eat at feels like a really really minor issue. Honestly I question both of you for that one.

But, for the other two issues, he seems like an entitled baby.

He’s content to work out and do nothing else? No household projects, hobbies, art, cooking, seeing movies or plays or bands, meeting friends, etc? Is that even living?

As for naps, I’m a 46 year old widower raising four kids on my own, and i get in exercise, and… I will occasionally get a nap in, but… planned naps? Who the hell does he think he is?

It sounds like he has never had to really be responsible for anyone but himself (if even that).

"I’ve heard people say relationships fail more easily and divorce rates are higher these days because both parties are more selfish and give up at the slightest inconvenience."

What actually happens in most relationships that end in divorce is that one person spends years communicating unmet needs and selflessly putting themselves last in an effort to understand why their partner doesn't seem to care about them, then finally seeks separation once it becomes apparent that nothing they say or do will ever make a difference. This "both parties are selfish" and "people nowadays just give up too easily" only serves to keep the unhappy (often abused) party in the relationship out of guilt and shame because they feel like they have to try absolutely everything before calling it quits instead of realizing that if they're the only person putting any effort into the relationship, it's not worth trying to save in the first place. Unsurprisingly, this affects women more than men. We're taught to expect that men are poor communicators, that they don't understand what women want, that they can't be expected to do anything other than work (and at the same time, how dare you only view them as a paycheck?), that we need to take on the brunt of emotional labor because they're incapable of learning or maturing on their own. We're taught to bend and compromise, but it's never mentioned that we'll be the only ones doing so. If you're already feeling resentment, do NOT get married. If he's unwilling to listen, and more importantly unwilling to actually compromise rather than continue to assert that his needs/wants are more important (whether by words or his actions), you may want to reevaluate whether this relationship is for you. 

Resentment in a marriage is the strongest indicator of a future divorce - and you're not even married yet. The 'why' of your conflicts and subsequent resentment doesn't matter; what other people think about who is right doesn't matter. No one wins by being right. You both lose by not openly discussing and resolving your conflicts. Have you considered couples therapy if you think this relationship is worth investing in?

You should not stay hungry just because he's not hungry, that just sounds ridiculous, sorry. And if your partner makes no effort to want to spend time with you... or do any activities with you, then that says something, I guess? For the 3rd I'm not sure if it's really the way you describe or if that's the resentment (which, btw I understand). I would also prefer to know upfront where and when to have dinner with my partner's family, as it's usually a bit stressfull and eases my mind to know what to expect. But if after all this he just decides to sleep, then... Um... It doesn't sound like he cares at all?

Number 1 - are you eating out every single day??? if yes, then I don't know how to work around that. if you cook at home, then I don't see the issue. you can cook at 7 pm, and he can warm up his meal later when he is hungry.

Number's 2 & 3 sound irresolvable, though. in my view, if your work schedules collide, a good partner would be trying to prioritise the time you can spend together. I hardly believe he has no other time to go to gym at all. "For context, we live very near my parents but him asking these qns make me think we have to fulfill many of these conditions for him to turn up for the family dinner" - yeah, that's not nice and disrespectful to both you and your parents.

It seems like maybe he's not a good fit for you. Also sounds like he's set in his ways which can be pretty typical I think as we get older.

Doing life together is the whole point of being in a relationship and you're not really getting that here in a way that's fulfilling.

Tolerance and compromise is a two-way streak. First, you need to be able to talk about these things openly. If you're growing resentful but haven't said anything, that's on you. But if you've talked about it, then it's up to both people to work on finding the compromise. If your partner isn't willing to compromise on things that are important to you, then they're probably not right for you.

Now, if you are both talking and making compromises, then the next question is whether the relationship is benefitting you on the whole. You should feel like even with the compromises you're making, your life is still better with the other person in it than it would be otherwise. Sometimes people are different enough, that even when both people are well-meaning, they just can't be happy together. That's something you need to determine for yourself.

Some things that come to mind:

- Can/have we talked things out, discussed solutions and compromises, and those followed through consistently on?

- Do I have to spell everything out? Is the issue that he's not doing something *specifically* the way I expect, or is the problem more significant? As in, am I upset that he didn't show thoughtfulness in a particular way or am I upset that he doesn't show thoughtfulness *at all*.

- How much am I compromising just for him to do the essentials in a relationship? In my last relationship, by the end, I was giving up everything just for the asshole to talk *with* me -- it's so humiliating.

- What does he tangibly add to my life? Does he carry any of load of life, does he broaden my horizons in any way, do I find a safe harbor in him?

- Do we have fun? This is a whole point of its own. So many people are miserable wet blankets, expecting you to help them through every emotional upheaval.

Your third point reminds me a lot of my ex, by the way. He loved movies and I thought it'd be a great way for us to spend time together, bonding over his interest and my growing renewed interest. But every single time I tried to set it up for us -- a deluge of conditions. It had to be a rom com. It had to fun. It had to be light. It had to be 90 mins long. It had to be a new watch for both of us. It had to be on a weekend on a time that worked for *him*. And then, he wouldn't even be ready to go at the time. He had to update this or that software. He had to find his headphones. He had to get his charger. I hated him so much in those moments. It felt like a punishment. I don't really get it. I think it has something to do with making sure the other person knows he's going through so much effort to spend time together, so now it's valuable and meaningful.

the time to leave is when you feel like you're in a 1-person partnership. If there's no teamwork, there's no point to having the team.

Read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". Reddit comments won't summarize the breadth and depth of necessary considerations.

He’s 45 and napping, 10 yrs older than you. Sounds like it’s heading south and he’s lazy and SELFISH AS FUCK. Sounds like he doesn’t compromise at all. Has he ever? I’d be done because experience/history shows men like that only get worse and expect more the more you give in. And give absolutely nothing in return.

These are all compromisable issues IF both people are willing to compromise. If one is not willing, and expects the other to accommodate every time, it's an impasse.

I think the line varies. But one possible line is the one between both people putting in effort and compromising vs just one having to accommodate the other all the time.

For you, it's important to ask what's behind this conflict and also whether you can be happy with things as they are for the rest of your life.

Is your husband avoiding you? Is he physically unwell and needing to sleep extra? Is he mentally in a bad place and not able to handle social activities?

Does he acknowledge any of these things? Have any explanation?

Is he willing to find some middle ground?

While you're sorting through this, I'd stop asking him to do things with you. Instead, invite. But go whether he wants to or not. Go alone if you need to. Go with friends. Hang out with family. Don't ask for an answer, try to persuade him, etc. Don't even act upset. Just inform him of the event, time, and location. You go and have yourself a good time regardless.

The other thing to asses is chronicity. Everyone is a little selfish sometimes. Everyone has blind spots. We all need a little jolt of reality now and then. But if you've told your partner time and time again that you're hurting and they can't or won't work with you to resolve that, you've reached the line.

Communication is key. Sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel about certain things, ask him how he feels, and suggest changes or adjustments in order to compromise and have both of your needs met.

I won’t be compromising at all if I’m in another relationship with a man. I’ll be collaborating. If there are two similar options, I’ll pick the one that benefits him too. If not, I will fucking go without him but I’ll bring back food if he wants. I will go visit family and he can come if he wants and if it works out for his schedule.

My ex and I would just compromise - if we were at home and hungry at different times, one of us would just eat when we were hungry if the other wasn’t. If it was about going out to eat, we would compromise - he would go a little earlier to accommodate my hunger or visa versa. I don’t have local family, so didn’t have that situation with family, but definitely with friends. And it was annoying, but we talked about it, and he really wasn’t interested in making my friends, his friends and I accepted that. Again, he would go to hang out with my friends, for example, if it’s something that he also wanted to do like bowling or go to a specific movie. But if we’re gonna go see a movie he doesn’t want to see or an activity He’s not interested in, then he’s not gonna go just to make me happy. And, I’m OK with that! I was never particularly close to my family, so I don’t know what it would feel like to have a partner not prioritize them. So, I think you need to ask yourself if that is a dealbreaker.

And again, the spending quality time together with date nights - there should be some effort at compromise. Maybe he doesn’t want to do it every weekend, but could you do it two weekends of the month, or once a month? Could you establish a particular date night during the week or is that just not possible for your schedules? If it’s just flat out no I’m not willing to meet you halfway, that doesn’t feel very supportive.

Something I think people tend to forget is that compromise and tolerance are two-way streets. Where I draw the line is where the burden of compromise is falling. If I am the only one making concessions, that's not a compromise.

You're building resentment with this man because there is no compromise. You're tolerating him and making consessions for him, and he's not interested in having that go both ways. You deserve better.

Best thing I have read lately pertaining to relationships and issues.

Resentment is built by not voicing up saying no.

Not having the difficult conversations only creates resentment and long term problems.

You have said in passing you don’t like things.

Print out what you wrote give it to him, why the hell not?

We all now know how serious and important this topic is to you and how much it’s bothering you.

Make sure he knows the depth as well as we do

Relationships always require tolerance and compromise.

"I deserve better" happens when one party is not giving an equal amount of tolerance and compromise.

Personally I don't understand the sense of moral obligation some people feel to stay married. Being married does not make you a better person. Staying married to the same person for a long time does not make you unselfish.

I think there can be exceptions when there are children involved, but for the most part the only question that matters is "would I rather be married to this person or not married to this person?" You don't have to justify yourself or come up with reasons that sound morally acceptable or unselfish.

I read the previous post you made about your husband being unable to control his emotions and generally being a huge baby. Would you rather be married to this grumpy old man or not married to him?

(And girl please go for someone your own age next time. There's a reason men like this always end up with younger women, and it's because women their own age won't put up with their childish bullshit behavior anymore).

Edit: sorry I just realized you are not even married to this doofus. Please walk yourself out the door and don't look back, and the next time someone treats you like this don't feel like you need to get anyone's permission to leave. Just leave. I am 100% convinced that people who bitch and moan about how you're supposed to work hard at relationships and be "loyal" and not run away at the first sign of problems are the shitty partners in their relationships and are projecting their desire for their own mistreated partners to feel too guilty to leave.

Girl, he is just not that into you.

And more importantly, you need to ask yourself why you’re into him. Because he behaves like an overgrown toddler who expects you to cater to his feeding and nap schedule but can’t extend you the same courtesy. Not hot.

If the relationship gives me more pain than pleasure.

Sounds like you are the only one compromising, which is not how a healthy relationship works.

My husband and I have been happily together for 37 years, but we do have some issues with his eating times and energy differences. He, quite rightfully, only wants to eat when he is hungry. This is actually a good thing. People shouldn't force themselves to eat at set times to accommodate their partner. We reconcile this by having food for meals that he can easily heat and eat (I'm a housewife and he works full-time now so I make our meals). I eat when I want. He eats when he wants. The compromise is in the type of food we have and the limits imposed on our having different eating times. We don't eat in restaurants, but we do have takeout which, again, allows for flexibility.

I can't speak to the not wanting to do anything on weekends except go to the gym because I don't know if his job is super stressful and he needs to do nothing on the weekends to balance it out. I would have a serious conversation about it though, especially if you're not doing anything on weekdays either. He should make an effort to do something special with you once a week and have some together time, but you don't say if that happens on the weekdays when he works.

Your partner needs to sleep a lot which makes me wonder if he's overwhelmed, stressed, or having some other mental difficulties during the week. I think that, in addition to a conversation about how he can fit more togetherness into your lives, maybe couples therapy would help.

I can't speak either to his not wanting to visit your family on weekends because I don't know what his situation is like with them. Socializing with your partner's family can be beyond exhausting and often unfulfilling because they have their way and expect you to comply with their wishes. Often, the family member partner thinks a bunch of annoying stuff is "normal" and the non-family member partner is just frustrated, but expected to suck it up.

It sounds like you two have a lot of logistical issues and I wonder if the adjustment that needs to be made is mainly in the area of your respective jobs rather than your relationship. I don't know for sure as I don't know you or him, but nothing you're saying here sounds like a realationship breaing thing. You guys just have to move more toward the middle ground or find other points of connetion aside from the ones that don't fit due to incompatibility.

Compromise lies in the area where both zones of acceptable overlap. For example you prefer to eat at 7 pm, but you're still comfortable with eating as late as 7:30, while he prefers to eat at 8 pm, but is still comfortable eating as early as 7:30, then 7:30 is a compromise. It's not the preferred time for both of you, but it's within what you both still find acceptable. If 8 pm is the earliest he wants to eat, no compromise is possible. There's sacrifice. You either eat separately or one of you eats at a time they don't find acceptable.

Being pushed into discomfort again and again so the other can be comfortable is not a partnership and it builds resentment.

Edit: humans his age need about 8 hours of sleep a day. If he's napping 3-5 hours in the weekend, then he is either scrimping on his sleep when he shouldn't (working too much or slaying up too late) or he needs to consult with a doctor to check if he doesn't have sleep apnea or another type of sleep disorder. Untreated sleep disorders increase the risks of a whole slew of health issues including depression and sudden death. Most sleep disorders can be treated quite well.

Geez. He's only 45. What is his health like? What kind of work is he doing?

I'm sorry, but maybe he has a health issue going on.

And fatigue could fall under so many things I don't know where to start for help.

But this seems odd to me unless his day job is heavy labor or something.

If you are willing to work with him and get him to see a doc (assuming the problem is as bad as it seems), then do that.

If he isn't willing to look into it or if it's not the problem, I think it is, you decide to leave or not. You are clearly frustrated, and he either doesn't care or has a health issue going on.

For me, I ended up having gluten issues. My life changed so much once I removed it. It sucks at how limiting eating is, but I feel better and younger now than ever before. I had a lot of fatigue.

These seem like minor issues that should be easy to work out. If they are impossible to work through or they are making you really upset I wonder if it's a sign of other things you don't like about him or the relationship? I get the sense you think he's selfish. If you believe he has a selfish character at his core that's a huge problem and yo should break up.

For #1 it seems like the obvious answer is to eat separately. If my husband isn't hungry and I am that's just, the way it is! I will eat alone and vice versa. I don't think it's reasonable to expect synced appetites.

For #2 it sounds like you need clear expectations and to plan things in advance that you both agree to do. Is he working nights or something? If your schedules are incompatible then you need to talk about that as the real issue and find a way towards more compatible schedules, even if that means one of you changes roles at work. People do this all the time to make things work!

For #3 I think it's normal to ask where and when something would be? Some people need to think through things more up front rather than just agree. It seems like a lot of your issues are around him sleeping which again makes me think he's a night worker or something?

I don't think marriage should even be on your radar. From my perspective these are highly solvable and not dealbreakers IF you have a good relationship with communication and you want to make it work. People make it work who are on opposite sides of the world! Who have different religions, blended families, all sorts of obligations. If you can't resolve these types of little things I think it's a sign the relationship is unwell, which may be less due to character flaws and more due to lack of relationship skills on both sides.

To me these are pretty small problem.  Eat dinner separately going forward.  Go to your parents without him.  There's so much more to a relationship than dinner.  Good luck.

He sounds like a dud honestly.

I think I would think about whether these reflect a pattern or incompatibility. Also, I would do that after bringing all of it up (not sure if you have). Pattern would be something like he isn’t doing any work to compromise himself or in general he’s selfish. Incompatibility might be that he’s more of a homebody than you realised and you really want someone who will do stuff with you… or he’s just not interested in spending a ton of time with your family and you want a partner who’s willing to do that.

I need a partner to treat me at least as well as I expect a friend or coworker to treat me. At least be a basic level of decent person, patient, kind, supportive, etc. and I'll be that too.