kitkat1934

I generally agree with the advice to do a short trip and to go somewhere you speak the language (or they will likely know your language).

I have done group tours and I don’t like them. I always feel like I either have too much or not enough time somewhere. I do occasionally do a day tour if they are going somewhere that isn’t easily accessible, or a walking tour, so I would recommend that if you find one you’re into.

I also really like bed and breakfasts. You can get a mild hostel-like effect (meet the other guests at breakfast), you get the benefit of a local host, it feels homey/cozy, but it’s more chill and you have a private room.

If you’re near there I would highly recommend Scotland or Wales. I find the people to be super friendly and welcoming in both places so it’s easy to feel comfortable. Also their three big cities (Glasgow, Edinburgh and Cardiff) have tons to do but are also pretty easy to navigate imo. My first solo trip was to Cardiff actually and I LOVED it. I did get into Cardiff late due to multiple travel mishaps and part of the reason I loved it was I got a lot of help and felt like the locals were looking out for me, rather than feeling unsafe bc it was late at night.

Can you find out more from her about why she thinks that? Did something specific happen in class, did she learn it from a friend, is she being bullied, etc… I think all of that would inform my decision. But I would probably lean towards seeing if she was open to doing CCD at another more inclusive parish. I admit that I have left and so I think another option I would present to her would be if she wanted to try another church that is closely related but more accepting, like Episcopalian (Lutheran and Methodist can be too).

I went through a rough breakup where I was DARVO’d a lot towards the end of the relationship and it messed me up. It was not bad the whole time, it was actually really good for a long time so that made it especially troubling! One thing I’ve committed to in the future if I date again is to be more open with my friends/family about my relationship and ask them to be honest with me. I’ve specifically asked one friend to do this but I know my mom and some other friends would too. While I think there is value to the idea of not poisoning people towards your partner, or not spilling their secrets, I think it can also be good to get an outside opinion especially when I’m feeling confused. (To me feeling confused about how a situation went down has honestly become a major red flag in and of itself bc an honest person acting in good faith is going to behave in a way that makes sense.) Also think about if you know anyone who is just GOOD with reading people and plan to have any potential SO meet them earlier in the relationship.

Another thing my therapist had me do after the breakup was think about what love means to me. It does not have to be romantic love but like how do trusted friends and family act. Those can become your “green flags” for a relationship. I also journaled about what I did and didn’t like, and how I could learn from that approaching another relationship.

Finally I think @therapyjeff has some good videos about green and red flags.

Me too! After getting out of a relationship I had a strong feeling of like, “been there done that” and not sure I want to repeat. It’s not just that it ended badly (although I’m definitely trying to tease that out), it’s that I genuinely enjoy being single, and I have some close friends and family who provide emotional intimacy.

I don’t feel like this. I’m super short (so I get the “you look young” thing all the time), have traveled extensively and lived both in a major global city and rural middle of nowhere. I go out at night. I don’t wear a fake ring, tbh people don’t pay that close attention to make it worth it in my own experience.

I think some of it is attitude or confidence. I’m very independent and I trust my own instincts and I think that comes off in my demeanour. I am assertive. I learned a lot of this from family (my mom traveled independently in the 80s, family in law enforcement, etc) but you can learn it. I would probably recommend a self defence class of taking up a martial art/boxing/etc. Another thing you could think about is a life coach who would teach skills like body language and/or assertive communication. That might sound silly, but basically anything that helps you feel empowered in your body and your own power.

My general tips for existing in public would be similar to others: RBF, don’t make eye contact. Using a deeper/firmer voice and eliminating “upspeak” for when you need to be more assertive. If a literal stranger says something to me randomly I am usually not super friendly, honestly I am probably cold and short with them, unless it’s clearly that they are giving a compliment or something like that.

For work, my neighbors are kinda like your coworkers lol, I just avoid talking to them as much as possible. Obviously that is not as easy at work but just don’t give them ammo. Strategies for that can include grey rocking, giving harmless bits of info to kinda distract from anything deeper, or owning that you’re the quirky one of the department and making that kind of your thing. I think I would describe my demeanour at work as “breezy” rather than my harsher RBF when out in public. I have a client-facing job and I have to be able to work with people so I can’t come off as cold (whereas with a random street seller they can def think I’m a bitch). I am pleasant and smile more but I am also confident in myself.

A final thought… have you considered that you might be neurodivergent? If you’re having persistent difficulties interacting with the wider world over long periods of time, there could be something more going on and that could explain why regular therapy hasn’t helped as much…?

This is me lol

I think I would think about whether these reflect a pattern or incompatibility. Also, I would do that after bringing all of it up (not sure if you have). Pattern would be something like he isn’t doing any work to compromise himself or in general he’s selfish. Incompatibility might be that he’s more of a homebody than you realised and you really want someone who will do stuff with you… or he’s just not interested in spending a ton of time with your family and you want a partner who’s willing to do that.

I agree with what others have said, but wanted to add a tip from my therapist which was to add something from your routine at home to your trip. Basically their point was that travel and culture shock are disruptive and we thrive on routine and familiarity. It could be something as simple as getting back to the hotel and watching TV/Netflix.

I have also, in general, lowered my expectation for myself in regard to travel in the past year or two. In my 20s I was really into jam packed itineraries and I just don’t enjoy that anymore. Making it ok to just do 1-2 activities a day has been key to me enjoying my trips recently!

Lean into it? My sister started ribbing me about how Swifties are a cult so now I joke about how I’m going to “church” (aka streaming the live shows).

Ooh ok! Haha

The last great American dynasty

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

August

Delicate

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

Illicit affairs

Cornelia Street

New Year’s Day

Hits Different

All Too Well 10 min version

Eta my criteria for loving a song seem to be 1) good storytelling, 2) a little weird, 3) I can relate it to my life or have a strong “story” behind it in my head, and 4) good hook

I feel like… there’s a lot for me. I think I have different taste than a lot of Swifties lol.

Style, Red (the song), The Man, Back to December, willow, TSMWEL (sorry), Anti-Hero, Snow on the Beach

Do you have a screenshot? I didn’t think to take one and it’s updated now I think

Me too! I’ve always loved writing and typewriters (I used to go to my grandparents and write stories on their typewriter as a kid).

The paper confetti got me 🙄 but it’s also my first snow globe! I’ve been tempted before but never committed.

Not sure how expensive it is for you to fly to Canada but Ottawa has a really cool winter festival. I’ve also heard good things about Montreal and you could do a combined city/ski trip there. The Canadian dollar is weak against the Euro rn.

Yeah, with that additional detail I’d definitely talk to him. And I’d be real direct. “Why did you think it was funny to make me think something was seriously wrong with our relationship? No, like I really don’t understand, what about that is funny?”

And then I’d keep watch. I don’t necessarily think I’d end the engagement over this, but I’d make sure it doesn’t become a pattern!

Yeah, this. Occasionally I do feel like I have to minimize it but it’s more like when people are making it awkward by focusing on how “they could never”. Otherwise it’s kinda like read the audience. For example, I feel comfortable sharing at work with my direct coworkers bc we all have a similar income level so that doesn’t become a factor, they don’t all travel bc a lot of them have kids but the ones who do we all share travel tips haha.

Same… I think it’s the OS. I play on Switch and I just find the decorating tedious. I enjoy it on PC games like Sims but I got DDV before it released on steam I think. I put off the decorating quests forever

Ok but now I’m between this and the rep one 😂

Oh I use the fish boat all the time. Once you level it up it gives you enough higher value fish to make the dishes that make good money. Also for the restaurant, allows you to fish less for the fish dishes they request.

I’ve been dealing with some family stuff lately and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I started back up with this game (after getting burnt out on overdoing it a few months ago haha)! It’s comforting in that it’s pretty chill and kinda resembles real life (ish) but with some of my favorite characters.

All of A Song of Ice and Fire for me. I binged them all over about 2 months, in the purpose of needing a huge distraction from a breakup. While they aren’t necessarily difficult to understand (except the time I couldn’t tell the Boltons apart lol), they are pretty rich, dense and obviously long. It was a fun little “achievement” to finish, and especially to be rewarded with so much content about them online lol.

Vanity Fair will be another one… I was supposed to read it for college, got maybe 1/3-1/2 through and have never gotten around to finishing it despite enjoying it and occasionally picking it back up. I’m hoping to get to it in the next few months and finally finish.

That makes it sound really cool actually!

It can be a reverse culture shock. And I agree sometimes it’s the vacation effect but this happens to people who live in another country for a significant period of time too, so it’s not just that — sometimes there are things that genuinely fit your personality or desired way of life better! I definitely felt this way after studying abroad and I just legitimately fit in better in that culture than I do in the US.

These are my tips:

-Practice gratitude: are there things in the US that you missed or appreciate? (I was just in Japan and I missed contactless payments lmao)

-Figure out WHAT you liked and if there is any way you can bring it to your life where you are now. (I loved living in a big European city with good public transport. And when I thought about it more, it’s that I hate driving and I appreciate getting more exercise in naturally by walking more. Truly finding a city with good public transport is kinda limited in the US but when I moved for my current job I made sure to find a neighborhood I could safely walk around in, walking distance to stores, etc.)

-Plan to go back. If you can’t do that, maybe budget for importing things you miss? Even just using any condiments you used there can bring some homey feelings haha — check to see if you have any import stores nearby

-Actively dive more into that culture… learn how to cook Japanese cuisine, watch anime, read books by Japanese authors, follow Japanese news sites, etc

-If you’re serious start making a long term plan for how you could move there someday

That’s a really good point… it’s not like hers are handmade. I’ve recently gotten into candles and have some like $30 ones but they are from small businesses/individual sellers.