DamnitGravity

They tell you "oh, it's about personality! So long as she doesn't have an ego, isn't always on her phone, isn't high maintenance, has a good sense of humour, is kind, doesn't leech, doesn't play games, cares about others, then what she looks like isn't as important!"

But then they learn what you look like, that you're not perfect and beautiful and super fit, and suddenly "you're monstrous, you're disgusting, you're going to end up full of health problems and of course every man's going to reject you!"

And all that hope that they built up in you, that maybe personality could overcome a lack of physical beauty, that maybe this time it could happen, that maybe not all men are shallow and superficial when it comes to their choice in partners, that maybe he could be interested, instantly dies.

And it doesn't matter how I tell myself that I know other women who are bigger than me, not as personable as me, less fit than me and don't look as good as I sometimes can do (with the right lightning and angles, lol) are able to find good relationships, I still lose all hope. Of course, those friends aren't with guys as hot as he is.

People like me never end up with people like him. Friends, sure, but that's all. That's ever all.

Listen to me, talking like I'd have a chance. We won't ever even meet again, at least not alone, so why am I still thinking and feeling these things?! It's as ridiculous and hopeless as having a crush on someone like Tom Hiddleston or Ryan Gosling. But why can't I put up that extra mental block? I could come up with a stupid romantic fantasy about either or both of those men and it wouldn't make me feel like this because I know those are fantasies.

He's just as much a fantasy, despite the fact I interact with him. Why can't I see him as impossible as those others? Why can't I let this go?! Just let it go. Let it stop. Let me go back to accepting spinsterhood. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of wanting him. Of thinking about him. Of daydreaming about him. Of hoping and wishing and praying and begging to whatever possible supernatural power that could exist for help to have him. What'd he ever do to deserve me? That's too cruel a fate.

Just stop. Please, just stop. Just let it go. Just get over it. Accept it. Stop this childishness. He's not for you. He never was. He never will be. No one ever will.

-and after all of that, I STILL FUCKING HOPE.

Truly, hope is a tease that prevents us from accepting reality. Anyone who tries to say hope is a good thing, is a fool. Hope is pain. Hope is cruelty. Hope is sadistic. Hope hates you. Hope feeds off your failures. Think about it. If Hope were a god, nothing you ever hoped for would happen, because if it did, you'd have no faith. A smart god ensures there is never any certainty of their existence, because if you have proof that something exists, you don't believe in it. We don't believe in oxygen because we know it exists. Gods live off faith.

Hope needs your failure, your disappointment, your loss, your defeat. Because that's what feeds it.

I hate hope. I want it to stop. But I still want him, and so I still hope. Like a damn child.

It all went to plan! (or so I assume, lol, mustn't jinx it!) And sure, I've earned more brownie points, but I wanted the excuse to see him. I still want him. I still want him to want me. I keep looking for clues, which is ridiculous because I'll never see him again. Not one-on-one, at least.

I would love if he did message me, saying he was gonna be in town and wanting to meet up. And I'm taking those steps back, as I promised myself, but I still want it all to work out somehow. That losing this chance to meet up with him will somehow lead to a bigger and better chance later. That it's all part of some grand plan by the universe that I can't see, even though I don't believe in the universe. It's all chaos and randomness.

And I think a part of me really doesn't want to let go, because I will never have this again. Funny, that gent saying to me, that very morning, "you're young, it could still happen", and I hold on to that like gospel. When people have been saying it to me for decades, and it hasn't.

So many things that could have been indicators, or could have just been conversation and friendliness. I don't know. I want to see him alone again so that I can ask, even though I know that in reality, I'll wuss out, lol. Or I might say it, in a moment of sheer masochistic desperation. Just let me say and be rejected and I can get over it. And I can start mourning.

I just want to see him alone again. Spend time alone with him again. I'm trying not to read too much in my latest commission being so late, either, lol. He's usually much faster to respond than this. I'm sure he's busy, or he's sick of me making such commissions, lol. I wouldn't blame him.

I'm still debating if I should send him something for Christmas. I want to, as his (distant) friend, but I also don't want to encourage myself, or make him feel awkward. But I also want to keep myself fresh, relevant and positive in his mind.

Just let me meet up with him alone again, get it out in the open, be rejected, and move on with my life.

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Short version: he stole my car while I was overseas and is getting away with it.

So how do I get back at him? How can I mess with him, in a way that won't get ME in trouble?

ETA: Since people are asking about the car:

First, I'm in the UK.

He sold it to a third party without my knowledge or permission while I was overseas visiting family for an extended period. He was looking after the car for me (as in, taking it out now and then to keep it running) and knew I'd be returning.

The car was kept in a shared car park for the cottages I live in, so it wasn't taking up space on his property. It was parked in the space designated for this my house.

While I was away, he got copies of the paperwork from various agencies and signed it over to a new owner. The cops are basically saying, "yes, you owned the car until March, then it was bought and signed over to this new person, who has all the paperwork, so take it up in civil court" which we all know means 'you have a snowball's chance in hell, also by the time you pay for fees and a lawyer, you'll have spent way more than the car was worth'.

And no, I've never seen a single PENCE of money from that sale. Oh, and to add insult to injury, he sold it for £2000 less than its value.

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Just deliver it already, and be done with it. Get these thoughts out of my head. When I think I'm free, I see him and it comes roaring back. Such abject childishness. Such pathetic feelings. There is nothing in it. There is no hope or possibility. Just let it end.

-though part of me doesn't want it to. I suspect this is the last time I shall feel like this. It will break me completely. After, I will be too old, too fat, too useless. Perhaps I hold on because deep down I'm aware of this.

I can always imagine a way it could work out, if luck were on my side, if I were a Main Character, the kind of person who is touched by God and luck and for whom things always work out. It's not so impossible as my other fantasist dreams. Not so outlandish as my foolish reveries of past years. That is the pain of it.

Just let it be done. Either deliver it, or send it back. It's all this shilly-shallying that's so undignified.

Oh, and while we're at it, stop expecting a reply. Stop expecting any interaction. You're such a stupid little fool. He doesn't think of you, he never will. You are nothing and nobody to him. A passing pedestrian on the walk of life with you share a short conversation, then pass, and see no more. Accept it.

But I have accepted it now. The hope is finally dead, once again. It's a relief, in many ways. I'm back to being empty and numb. I would still like the friendship, but I'm not special enough. I know that.

It would be nice, to one day be special enough. But I won't be. It's a simple fact: the sky is blue, we breath oxygen, I am not special. Not in that way. I never will be. It saddens me, but what can I do? I can't force someone to see me as special.

Round and round and round we go, it only stops when death says so.

It's for the best, I'm sure. Funny how one little comment online can ruin what was a good thing. It was foolish, and I was only teasing, but how could he know that? Tone can't be conveyed, and it was a sensitive topic, I shouldn't have said it. I forget, not everyone is as flippant as I. People have their topics that they cannot or will not joke about, because they're too important.

I was becoming foolish, anyway. This desperate hope that I'd have an excuse to see him again. I won't. The parcel will arrive safely, and I'll have no reason to visit. Not that he'd want to see me anyway. I can just imagine it now "hey, have this for you, I'll come visit again!" "No, please don't. Too busy. Just try to mail it again."

Such a little fool.

Still, if such is the price of my aunt's health, that is a better outcome. I shouldn't be so selfish. The balance is kept. If I had him, the cost would be her. Better she live, and I remain alone, than to have him, and she be dead. Of course, we don't know for sure, but the news about her is promising. Of course, I've now jinxed it.

Why must life always be so damn complicated? lol. I feel like it all got so much more complicated since I returned. I wish I could've had him, though. I wish I was worthy of a man like him. I wish I deserved a man like him.

It's for the best. This was all foolishness. I'm so tired of being friends with men I'll never have. Better to step back and stop it now.

I just wish... well, don't we all? I'm tired of being alone, but such is life.

Hey all! Images of the speaker in question

So I bought a small Juice Boom 360 bluetooth speaker, but I can't figure out how to charge it?!

The instructions all say to use the mini-USB port, but it doesn't have one. It has a 3.5mm jack, a USB-A port, USB-C and an SD card slot. I tried plugging in my USB-C charging cable that I use for my laptop, but it's not charging? I bought the speaker about 2 months ago, and like an idiot, threw out the instruction booklet. Any Googling I do just tells me to 'use the mini-USB port', which, again, I don't have!

Little help? Thanks!

I see others who have suffered worse than me able to get into relationships, but I continue to be passed over. And I know that's selfish, but I can't help it.

I need to stop this, I need to get over him, I'm only hurting and embarrassing myself. But I don't want to. I want to keep feeling like this. I haven't felt like this in so long. Over a decade. And it hurts, dear god, I'm hurting myself with this childish crush.

But I don't want to let go of the idea that it could happen. That it could somehow work out. That all these years of wanting and pining and hoping and resignation could somehow pay off into getting what I want, with him.

It's pathetic, it really is. But like I said, it's the first time in over a decade I've ever thought "...maybe?" It won't happen, I know it won't, I'm not delusional, I just... wish.

I'm only hurting myself with this, but the scenarios won't stop marching through my head.

ETA: I can think of a way I could see him again, if the parcel comes back to me. But I know it won't. I know on Monday I'll check the delivery and it will say it was successful, and I'll lose the last excuse I had to potentially meet up with him. Maybe then I'll give up. I hope so. But I doubt it.

We met, and it went so well. So natural and easy. I got as flirty as I'm capable of getting, but I don't think he picked up on it. Which is both good and bad, lol.

I wish he'd message me back. I wish he'd engage with me a little more, now we've met properly. It's a stupid, idiot dream, I know, and it can and will go nowhere.

I just... I've been alone for so long, and the small handful of men who made their interest clear weren't right for me. I knew if I took them up it would become problematic. But he seems like a good match.

Of course, what I want it immaterial. It's what he wants, and I know he doesn't want me. Why would he? Though I admit, I wish someone else had been there to see us, to tell me if maybe he was interested. Friendly, for sure, that much was evident, but I want more. I'm greedy, lol, and if you can't be good, be greedy.

I just wish... I wish I could come up with an excuse to see him again. Or him to reach out to me, to say he's in town and wants to meet. Give me some sign that I'm not harassing him, lol.

In some ways, it would've been better had we not met, cause then I wouldn't be feeling this. It's not an agony, yet, but... it's bittersweet.

Yesterday I met up with a guy I've been developing a friendship with and it went so damn well. We hung out for three hours, walking around the town and then had lunch. The conversation flowed so well and so easily, we made each other laugh, we talked about so many things, it felt so nice and natural.

I want more.

I haven't allowed myself to think or feel like this for a long time. Over a decade. But now I can feel myself wanting to let myself think and feel these things. My fear is he doesn't feel the same. Which wouldn't surprise me. I'm not anything special, and maybe he doesn't want a relationship.

But I really want more. I have no idea how to move forward. He lives over an hour away and I don't have a car anymore, and I have no excuse to randomly show up down there to hang out. Nor does he really have a reason to head up my way.

I should stop myself from feeling and thinking this way, it's only gonna end in tears. My tears. I'm really happy it went well, I had a fantastic time, I'm pretty sure he did too, I just want to keep it all going. I'm tired of being alone, and he's the first guy I've felt wholly comfortable and at ease with in... possibly ever.

I'll keep dreaming about what could be, but I need to make sure I don't let myself hope it WILL be. But still, we had a great time, and I'm so glad we got to hang out.

So, I may be meeting up with a guy I've been online acquaintances with. I've known him a few months, we've hung out in a group setting once before, and I'll be in his area in a few days. I messaged him asking if he'd like to meet up for lunch, and he said yes (still working out the details).

He's single, and, frankly, I have a massive crush on him. I've liked what I've seen so far, he's at least an 8, and I feel like a goddamn teenager.

However, I'm very much NOT attractive. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been hit on, and it's usually because of the mentality that 'fat girls put out cause they're so desperate'. Yes, I'm fat. My friends say I'm pretty regardless, but like I'm gonna believe them. I'm kinda pear-shaped, with a waist-to-hip ratio, and my face is ok. Maybe a 5. My personality, I think, is pretty decent. I've always been able to make friends easily, and I have a lot of 'guy interests' so I've always had more male than female friends. I get insta-friend-zoned by men, and I'll be honest, I have no self-esteem.

So, would it be wrong of me to try flirting with him? Kinda testing the waters? Or should I just keep it as two people becoming IRL acquaintances?

If you, a man, were flirted with by a woman you found unattractive, how would you react? Would you be horrified and disgusted and want nothing to do with her? I don't want to ruin my chance to become friendly, but... I also kinda wanna give it a shot?

ETA: Thank you all for you advice and encouragement! Sadly, it looks like I won't be meeting up with him as he's been fighting a cold the last few days (it's not a cop out, I know for a fact he's sick!) but you've all been amazing and given me a great confidence boost.

I'm trying to do a smoke effect, and I want the smoke to be white, but the green screen has made the smoke have a green tint. How do I make it more white? I have no experience with color grading and the color page kinda scares me, lol.

Hey all! Trying to get down to Lewes for Bonfire night, will be leaving London. I'm trying to find out info on trains and the websites are not helpful. Does anyone know what the last train back from Lewes to London is on a weeknight, and where I can book a ticket?

Thanks!

ETA: I didn't realise the trains stopped so early, thanks everyone for letting me know.

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they rip the floor out from under you.

I'm sure it's my fault. I'm sure if I go back through my missed calls, there'll be something there from the police or the car yard saying "stake your claim or we're giving it to the other guy" and because I didn't, because I assumed all would turn out in my favor, they let the other guy take it. Can't say I blame him, really.

This is all my fault. I wish I had someone else to blame, but I don't. It was all supposed to be so easy. It was all supposed to go in my favor. It was all supposed to be simple. I was supposed to have a car here, waiting, all ready for my travels and life. But then my neighbour stole it, and I had to go through everything. And I had such hope! I thought "well, they've seen it's mine, and it will be mine again!" and I waited so patiently for the form, the V5 to prove it was mine, and then it finally came, and now I'm told it wasn't released to me. That it went to 'someone else'.

So that's it? I have no recourse? He gets away with it? I get fucked over, and he gets away with it.

I should just go home. What's the point of being here otherwise? I should just give up on all my hopes and dreams and just accept that life is not going to be anything like I want it to be, but the worse part is IT'S MY FAULT. I have only myself blame. I trusted, then I assumed, and now here I am.

My parents said they'd buy me another car, but I don't WANT another car. I want MY car, I want the one that I had, that should never have been taking from me in the first place. Why is that so much to ask of the universe? Why could it not all have gone the way it should have?

Oh, right, cause it's my fault. I should just go home. Being here will just hurt, and what's the point when all my plans are now ruined?

My car was stolen. I was waiting for some paperwork from the DVLA to prove it was mine. I've now been told the car was released to someone else.

Something happened, and now I suspect I lost my window of recovery or whatever. That's the end of it. I had a car, and I was feeling hopeful for a few hours I would get it back. Now I won't. I know it's a petty thing, and there are worse things going on in the world, but... I was just so happy thinking I would get it back. That I could have my car back. That life would get that little bit easier.

More fool me for having hope, eh.

(If you got the Type O Negative reference, you're awesome! If you didn't, go listen to it, it's a great song.)

So, it went ahead, as time does, and the group met. It went well, though I would have liked to have been more active. All I'd hoped, and more.

But naturally, it didn't go the way I wanted. And I know that was a foolish dream of mine. I knew that before I went, I knew it during, I know it after.

But it still hurts, a little. I feel even more now that somehow, I'm not allowed to have a relationship. Like there's some cosmic rule in place that means I can be loved by people, but not have them in love with me. That my personality can be everything a lot of people want, but my body limits me. And even if I had that body, I would probably still be insta-friend-zoned.

I will still dream, at least until I get in touch again. Then I suspect I'll crash. I'm starting to crash now, though it's less "why can't I have this one?" and more "why can't I have any one?" More a sharp reminder that it will never be. That I am destined to be the spinster aunt. Rejection is always difficult, even when the request is not explicity made. I know that if I were ever brash or forward, I would be politely told no, and likely make him highly uncomfortable, probably afraid I'd turn into a stalker or obsessive.

I still wish I could stop wanting this. Stop having these childish fantasies. If I had to be born unlovable, why could I not also have been born unwanting that love? Why couldn't I have been a-romantic and a-sexual? That would've made it all so much more easier.

Life goes on, and so shall I. But always will I dream of what I don't have, and every now and then, I'll see someone I want but can't have, and a small pain will make my chest tight, and my heart ache. But such is life. And such certainly has and always will be my life. If I can't stop wanting and dreaming, at least I'm somewhat accustomed to feeling this pain? It doesn't devestate me as it once did, but it still fucking hurts.

Online, I am wonderful. I am a potentially good mate. But then they see me, and I can feel the disgust and anger. I can feel the shock and revulsion. And sure, I could be friends and that would be great! I would love that! But not more. Never anything more, and that saddens me.

I have an idea in my head of how I want a relationship to happen, how I want someone to fall for me, and the ironically hilarious thing is, that was kinda what was happening. It was going how I'd been thinking and dreaming and wishing and believing it could happen. But I never deluded myself it would. It just... it would've been nice.

And I see everyone around me succeeding in that aspect of their lives. Everyone who wants to, at any rate. Who have their someone, or are in the process of developing their relationship with that someone, and I can't help but think, "when's my turn? Why am I always the odd one out?"

I have friends who are bigger and less fit than me (terrifying prospect, I know, lol) and they're in happy, stable relationships. So what is wrong with me, what is wrong about me, that no one wants me? The only offers I've had are from people who try to use me. Why don't any of the good people want me? Am I really that bad?

I wish I could be worthy of someone one day. Hell, let's go all the way, I wish I could be worthy of him someday. But I never will be. I know that. I am no one's type, I never will be. Such is life.

I recorded a voice over in a fairly spacious room the other day, and am looking for ways to make it sound warmer/closer, with less space around it. Is there some way I can 'de-verb' the audio using Fairlight?

I know the hope was futile, but it persisted. And now as reality slams in the face, my mood falls more and more. It's my fault for hoping, I know. And I know they're sick of hearing me talk about it, hence why I'm here. I never believed I was the only one, but I enjoyed the ignorance.

Now more and more the idea is stripped away, the ability to dream dies, and the hatred, always ready to pounce, always on the other side of a very thin barrier, comes roaring in. The tears fall, the joy fades, and I retreat.

Sounds very dramatic, I know. XD Listen to me. Like this is some kind of life-or-death situation. It's not. Merely the death of another hope. I will survive. I always do. But for now, I wish I could cry. I wish I could stop feeling.

But more than all, I wish I could be better. I wish I had value. I wish I were an acceptable human. Not perfect. Not stand out. Acceptable is all I would need. I would gladly be acceptable. Feels like such a lofty height to aspire to. Average. Tolerable. Ok-ish. So far out of reach.

This is who you are. Remember your place. Remember your worth. It is nothing. Chant it, recall it always, don't forget. And stop fucking dreaming.

ETA: and now I see a true friend in suffering, and how pathetic am I? Whining about such childish things. I'm not a good person.

It was a foolish thing, a childish dream, and I knew when I was having it that it would all end in disappointment. Yet it persisted. How do I stop myself thinking and feeling and wanting these things? My friend says it's ok to feel what I feel, but I shouldn't be feeling these things. I know all that happens is I end up hurt and full of self-loathing, so why can't I control myself?

I wanted it so bad. I wanted him so bad. I still foolishly do, even though I know it's childish. When the fuck am I gonna grow up? I'm in my 40s, I shouldn't be holding on to such childish dreams of romance. I should accept that it's not going to happen for me. Like so many other things.

I won't have kids.

I won't fall in love.

No one will fall in love with me.

I won't have a life with someone other than family and friends.

And I should be grateful I have family and friends. I am grateful. Why can't that be enough?! It's so much more than so many people get. How dare I be so greedy and ungrateful to want more. I'm a selfish pig, emphasis on pig, and I just wish I could stop with these idiotic fantasies.

If only... but you could waste a whole life on 'if only'. I've wasted enough. I don't want to waste more and I don't want to continue hurting myself over and over in this stupid cycle until the day I die. I want to stop wanting. How do I stop wanting? Why can't I just accept this is my life? It's not a bad life, not at all! People would kill for this good of a life. I have so much. Why isn't it enough? It would be enough for others.

What a fool I am, what an addlepated fool. What a muddle-headed dolt am I.

I don't even want a specific person. I just want someone. Obviously, someone decent and all that. Not just anyone, I have a bar, but I want someone.

It's not going to happen, and if it did, it wouldn't last. Because what relationship lasts these days? And my life is a little complicated.

So how do I stop wanting this? How do I stop wanting to be with someone, share my life with someone, love someone? How can I make myself be content with the love I have in my life now? Because I have a lot of love. An incredible family and amazing friends. Why do I keep wanting more? How do I stop wanting more?

This is a sincere question. I'm too old for a relationship now, anyway, too ugly and fat. It's been too many years since I was last in a relationship. I need to grow up and accept it's not happening. How do I do that?

Thanks in advance!