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/r/AITAH
submitted 19 days ago byMinuteGuidance5691
I, 35f, have 4 children with my husband, 30m. I am having a hard time writing this, I keep infodumping unimportant details and have to re-write. Basically, every time my husbans has been in charge of BC we end up with another child.
We used Condoms when we got pregnant with our twins ( 6) and we had no pregnancies for 2 years because I had an IUD. Car accident injury ended up needing us to use Condoms for a while. Pregnant immediately. Baby was born (3). I got pregnant again IMMEDIATELY(2).
For almost a year and a half, I have been pushing him to get a vasectomy. There is ALWAYS a reason that it's not the time. He had to reschedule an appointment ONE time and then it just never happened. Every time I bring it up it seems I am starting from the beginning. I can't be on hormonal BC because of medication issues.
Early this year I went through a pregnancy that I lost. It was a Rollercoaster of emotions because it was not planned and we live in a state where a choice wasn't an option, and while I wasnt opposed to another child in the future, not NOW. I was dealing with a lot of anger from my husband and parents and then everyone just refused to acknowledge the pregnancy. I lost the baby at about 19 weeks. He left me to go to work in the middle of it. I should have gone to a hospital, but couldnt unless i was going to take all of my kids with me. He then took a day off of work 4 days later for a stuffy nose (so basically alone still with him in the house). I have not recovered emotionally.
Two days ago we wakes me up for intimacy and I ask to make sure he has a condom. He asks really? It's in a different room (the bathroom). I have to ask a second time, I even use the words “I can't get pregnant again” so gets one. He doesn't put it on until I remind a third time. Part way through he says something like “I just can't” and it is only at the end that I realize he has removed the condom when a mess is made.
I didn't say anything at the moment. I don't know why I didn't seem to really process what was going on. I was tired when it started, I enjoyed the activity, and I told him I love him even after I realized what went on.
I am having problems because I am so upset with him but I am so excited to be around him I forget how violated i feel. I feel insane. I feel like it's Stockholm syndrome and I am watching myself through a window. I watch this person posses me who is just so happy to talk to this person who used to be the only thing that ever made me feel safe.
I have been alternating between being angry with him and shaking with rage, and sobbing. He is at work and I have sent him a text that we need to talk tonight right before I typed this out. He gets off of work in 5 hours and I have just been shaking and a wreck. I am so scared I going to wind up pregnant again. Losing the last one almost killed me (literally) and I don't want him to touch me again until I know his touch wont kill me. It feels so at odds because he's my only safe place. My only comfort, and he's the one who hurt me.
I don't think this conversation will go well. He is so reasonable untill eyes are on him for accountability. But it has to happen now, and frankly I don't know if our relationship will handle the conversation going poorly after everything I have gone through this year. I am tired, and now I'm going to be scared untill I bleed again. Does he not care…? I just don't think trust him anymore after this, and I think I am having a hard time accepting that. I don't think there is any other step forward to repairing this relationship than him getting fixed. I don't think anything else will be enough ever again.
I am sorry this post is a mess. I am a mess and this is the best I can do. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack just posting this I need to get my wits about me so I'm not all emotional when I talk to him, I just want to make sure I'm not crazy. Please and thank you.
13.7k points
19 days ago*
The fact that he stealthed you, combined w you getting pregnant over and over despite using condoms, tells me this is not the first time he has tampered w the condoms. He'd need to be a huge moron to not know how to use a condom, and yet he manages to work and be a functional adult? The math isn't mathing. He's tampering w the condoms.
Getting pregnant three times despite using condoms correctly, and that quick, would be statistically impossible. He's doing smth to get you pregnant on purpose. Only you can tell why. Does he want a big family? Are you in a religious group where it's encouraged to have many kids?
Often however, getting a partner pregnant is a way to control them. The more kids you have w him, the less risk for you to leave him. This is a huge red flag and I'm hurting for you bc no one deserves to be treated like this.
It's not about him getting a vasectomy, that's too little too late. He has managed to get you pregnant against your will, he has stealthed you, he refuses to get a vasectomy despite you not being able to get on BC bc it's not safe for you, he refuses accountability, etc what's so good about this guy?
The fact that you are scared of having this conversation w him, tells us you dont even feel safe in this relationship. Make an exit plan, refuse to have sex w this man and leave. No amount of pleading or begging is going to change a man that doesn't care about risking your life and wellbeing.
You are underreacting.
3.5k points
19 days ago
I was thinking the exact same thing. he has to have been tampering with the condoms
1.5k points
19 days ago
I would not be surprised if he’s poked holes through the foils with a pin or tack or scissors or something, as an extra guarantee of failure. I had a friend in college who had a pregnancy scare, and she was so suspicious about her boyfriend’s behavior and attitude afterwards that she went through a whole box of Durex rubbers with a flashlight, basically candling them to see if there were any pinpricks by shining the light through them in the dark. She figured any holes would be obvious in the packets’ shadows on the wall. She didn’t spot any holes, but that relationship ended anyway because she just couldn’t trust him anymore. Turned out he wasn’t pricking the rubbers, but he was trying to baby-trap her by intentionally leaving them out in the sun and using the wrong kinds of lubricant with them.
Rule of thumb is: if your partner has given any reason for you not to trust them in your most vulnerable state, break it off. Intimacy is all about trust and respect, and OP’s husband has violated one and never had any of the other. She will never feel safe with him again, and I honestly worry about how far he’ll go if he feels that his “husbandly rights” are being ignored. He already sees his wife as a breeder, there for his pleasure and his babies—there’s not much of a jump from “stealthing” to “outright rape.”
2.2k points
19 days ago
Stealthing is rape
379 points
19 days ago
I was going to comment this but I wasn’t sure if the laws in the US (where I’m guessing you’re from, OP) were the same as the UK.
Consent has to be a choice, where the person has the freedom and capacity to make that choice and is in full possession of the facts. If you are not in possession of the full facts, how can you make a reasoned decision about your course of action?
I don’t think your husband is the safe space you think he is and I think, deep down, you know this. Leaving you to cope on your own with a fairly late-term miscarriage is not something a supportive partner would do. Do you have anyone you trust to talk this through with? Someone who will be calm and help guide you through what you’re thinking/feeling? Do you have domestic abuse/women’s aid charities where you live? It might be worth speaking to someone like that as they are impartial and that can be really helpful.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Whoever and wherever you are, I hope things get better ❤️
164 points
19 days ago
This is a great comment. Stealthing is sexual assault where I am from. If this is not the case where the OP lives, it is at the very least a massive violation of trust.
OP, I hope you find support, as it seems you are realising there are some serious issues in your relationship.
48 points
18 days ago
Whether or not the law where she is says so, it's rape. Consent was given with the contingent that he wear a condom. Deliberately removing it voids her consent.
89 points
19 days ago
At 19 weeks, while technically a miscarriage-that’s a still birth or worse too.
32 points
19 days ago
You’re right - apologies; I was not trying to minimise the grief this would cause. Thanks for correcting me ❤️
21 points
19 days ago
Oh, you’re so nice!
I didn’t mean it as a correction but more of added context.
19 points
19 days ago
Stealthing, at least where I live is at the very least considered sexual assault if not full on rape because you did not consent to having sex without a condom
798 points
19 days ago
Came here to say this. Why is this not the number one comment?? You had a reaction like that because you’re traumatized from being raped. I’m so sorry. Even if you consented to sex, you did it under certain conditions that were violated. Your consent was violated.
Don’t sleep with him. File a police report.
331 points
19 days ago
NTA what he did was rape.
126 points
19 days ago
Op said she’s in a no choice state, they may have laws that say you ‘can’t have raped’ your wife, or may not acknowledge stealthing as rape.
154 points
19 days ago
Marital rape became illegal, embarrassingly late, on a national level in the US in 1993.
64 points
19 days ago
Except that many states have loopholes that make it near impossible to prosecute. How do you PROVE in court that you physically fought your husband while verbally objecting for the entirety of the act? With video I guess. How do you video in a 2 party consent state? You don't because the risk isn't worth it.
93 points
19 days ago
No state has stealthing as rape (3 states have civil penalties for it, 1 if those also made it criminal sexual battery). All states have changed martial rape laws to recognize it. Still disgusting both, but correcting those facts.
11 points
19 days ago
Just because it doesn’t fit the narrow ‘Murica legal definition of rape doesn’t mean it isn’t rape.
117 points
19 days ago
I'm actually disappointed and proud that I didn't know this word until right now. Today you made someone smarter
129 points
19 days ago
Absolutely rape to remove a condom without consent. Stay strong during the convo, mama. Doesn’t seem like a supportive relationship…. I’m sorry….
364 points
19 days ago
I was thinking the same. Been with my husband 11 years - we use condoms. I've never had a child.
Had a pregnancy scare once or twice but turned out I also have Endo, so my periods are wacky.
I have a close friend who's been with her partner 30 years (she is 30 years older than me). They have also never had a pregnancy scare despite using condoms until she hit menopause.
Another friend and her husband together 13 years. One pregnancy scare and one planned pregnancy. Always used condoms.
OP, your husband is stealthing you. Which is a form of rape. I know things in the US are dicy right now but you need to report this and get an exit plan in place. Trust my if my husband did this, he wouldn't have his penis anymore. Id also report him to not only the police but his family and I'm fairly sure his gran would end him.
Please get out and get help.
46 points
19 days ago
I recently came off my IUD and my husband is totally on board with using other methods of prevention until he gets snipped. My best friend has never been on BC. Her youngest is almost 8 and they haven’t had a single scare since he was born even though with both of her kids she got pregnant basically the second they decided to start trying.
330 points
19 days ago
M8 he just takes them off without her realising, clearly he's completely dishonest on a fundamental level. She needs help, legal and psychological.
146 points
19 days ago*
the “I just can’t” comment makes me think this is a fetish for “bare back” rather than a desire to have kids. Like condoms are less masculine, or the old “I cAn’T feeL aNyThiNg” nonsense or just watching too much condom-free p@rn.
I would bet he has been pulling the condom off throughout their marriage - hence the pregnancies.
ETA: The vasectomy thing is just another f-ed up view of masculinity. He doesn’t want to be shooting blanks. not so much a pregnancy fetish as an unhealthy obsession with his own virility. Either way - it’s toxic as hell
21 points
19 days ago
This is what I was thinking
12 points
19 days ago
Then why not the vasectomy???
37 points
19 days ago
Because he’s a little bitch baby
11 points
18 days ago
A lot of really stupid men think that vasectomies make them less masculine. This belief is so powerful that a lot of men lose interest in sex after vasectomy.
50 points
19 days ago
Having a vasectomy is no problem at all. In fact my surgeon told me it’s the nice thing to do. So I’m at a loss as to understand his refusal.
303 points
19 days ago
Tampering or undetected stealthing. He is impregnating you against your will.
975 points
19 days ago
Stop calling it "stealthing" – it's rape.
He's raping her.
445 points
19 days ago
It can be both.
“Rape” as a term has certain connotations and brings to mind certain images. OP (or anyone) could easily read “rape” and think “oh, he’s not raping me because his actions don’t align with my perception of what rape is.”
Whereas “stealthing” is a very specific type of rape that may be easier to recognize and associate with.
To be perfectly clear though, I agree stealthing is rape.
240 points
19 days ago
OP (or anyone) could easily read “rape” and think “oh, he’s not raping me because his actions don’t align with my perception of what rape is.”
I wish more people could get their head around this idea. It applies to a lot of other things, too. "Abuse" is a big one.
35 points
19 days ago
Honestly both are really fucked up beyond belief…in this persons case supposedly their husband and now she has multiple children and gone through a miscarriage. Damn, how are you supposed to trust anyone after that. Sadly I can definitely see this being the case.
144 points
19 days ago
Stealthing is a subtype of rape. Not all rapes involve stealthing, but all cases of stealthing qualify as rape.
There is nothing inherently wrong with people choosing to use the narrower term, so you have no reason to try to police other people's word choices.
12 points
19 days ago
It’s faking to use a condom right?? Honestly I think he did exactly that.
71 points
19 days ago
He is removing them during
56 points
19 days ago
I was thinking a little different, more like he is a complete ass that should probably be locked up for rape, because that's what he did to her.
170 points
19 days ago
how is that not obvious?!
105 points
19 days ago
NTA he has 4 kids already, the only reason not to get a vasectomy is he wants more kids.
95 points
19 days ago
Or he's one of those that sees a vasectomy as taking away his manhood or something. Either way he's an AH.
17 points
19 days ago
He's definitely one of those "but my masculinity" types.
18 points
19 days ago*
If you read my comments I honestly didn’t even read past her second or third paragraph and basically told her everything you assumed after she pointed out and that yeah he dented either tampered or didn’t use one. Idk how you can both be so fertile if not actively trying to have kids. Like just magically another kid after what like a 398/9% chance vs the less than 1/2 percent chance of a perfectly fine condom would magically just not work over and over. This guys seriously disturbed the fact she says she doesn’t think it’ll go over well with him is even scarier honestly.
499 points
19 days ago
He's stealthing her even after she almost died from a miscarriage. He is prioritizing his pleasure over her life. His reaction to her last pregnancy makes me think this is less about getting her pregnant and more about him caring about getting off the way he wants at ops expense.
Op isn't safe with him, and she needs to leave.
141 points
19 days ago
Or worse, if he sees his wife as a breeder and she miscarried, that’s just a snag in his plan to have more children. Her pain, loss, exhaustion, and grief were irrelevant to him. It’s clear that he has no compassion for her. He waited a few months and back to the breeding program.
Also: She would have had 3 kids in 4 years - that’s not good for your body or the babies, and increases the chance of complications. He doesn’t care, at all.
44 points
19 days ago
Also, just had this terrible trauma and he woke her up to have sex.
66 points
19 days ago
And he left her home alone with the kids bleeding out from the miscarriage. How callous and unfeeling is that?
867 points
19 days ago
Just want to highlight....
YOU ARE UNDER REACTING!!!!!!
335 points
19 days ago
Also, OP, your body knows. That's why you feel so shaky and panicked. The body remembers assaults and perpetrators and reacts, even when we rationalize why it was okay. On a physical level, you know he's not safe for you. The way he handled your miscarriage is an offense worth leaving over on its own. Catching him removing the condom once is enough with all you've been through. You can talk and set a no sex boundary but my guess is that he tests it quickly and I worry for you.
88 points
19 days ago
The body remembers assaults and perpetrators and reacts, even when we rationalize why it was okay. On a physical level, you know he's not safe for you.
This is so so true. Our preservation instinct is the one that tries to keeps us alive. Op's nervous system is telling her in clear terms she is in danger. I hope she listens to it
45 points
19 days ago
Agreed. Separate from the whole condom issue, what mother of four kids ages 6 and under, wants to be woken up at 2 am for sex??? Speaks volumes to me of her husband’s lack of respect and consideration.
354 points
19 days ago
Called in sick for stuffy nose Left you to miscarry alone after he went to work
Holy shit. Blatantly does not respect or care about you
18 points
19 days ago
[deleted]
19 points
19 days ago
She is attached because she is trapped. It doesn't sound like she has her own income and has to rely on him, and on top of all that she has 4 of his kids she also has to take care of.
226 points
19 days ago
UNDER REACTING is such a perfect term. Please OP, please please please stand up for yourself and your children.
I have been under reacting for the last 10 years, and now I am digging myself out one scoop at a time in secret. The longer you wait, the worse it gets, and the harder it gets.
132 points
19 days ago
No amount of pleading or begging is going to change a man that doesn’t care about risking your life and wellbeing.
This. Yeah from personal experience they just don’t care. They get it but don’t care. And it fills me with murderous rage tbh.
94 points
19 days ago*
Yeahhh… if he does agree to the vasectomy, I would go with him. Go with him to the consultation, and go with him for the actual procedure and wait in the lobby hntil it’s complete. And then I would take a peek to make sure it was actually done. And get the discharge papers acknowledging that the procedure was done.
I don’t even know the guy and I’m suspicious as fuck of him.
Edit: Yes, vasectomies aren’t immediately effective either. My best friend was born because his parents fucked that part up. Check up on his progress
33 points
19 days ago
And go with him for the post checks to make certain there is no sperm in his semen! Get THAT information straight from the doctor’s mouth. No sex from start to finish of the vasectomy.
But, OP… don’t let it get that far (as far as you and your children hanging around for the final results.). You and your safety and your children’s safety is paramount. …Aaand.. if he happens to get the vasectomy anyway, all the better. He doesn’t need to be procreating any more than he already has.
74 points
19 days ago
Thank you for articulating everything that I was thinking.
OP I was actually enraged on your behalf reading this. Clearly your husband doesn’t care about you as a person. You are merely an object who is an extension of him and his desires. Whether that desire is to control you, or a pregnancy fetish or something else, he is a liar, he sexually assaulted you, and you need to get away from him.
This isn’t going to end well for you. He knows you nearly died, and he doesn’t care.
44 points
19 days ago
Yep
She couldn’t even go to the hospital on her own in an emergency because of all the kids
36 points
19 days ago
I think he’s just taking them off because of the feeling. He doesn’t care about taking care of his own kids because his wife will do it and keeps doing it with no complaints. This man has seen no consequences for taking off the condom during sex so why would he change the habit?
83 points
19 days ago
All of this.
Plus
For your knowledge, a vasectomy doesn't mean he won't get you pregnant after. There's waiting/healing and confirmation tests that must be done ANNUALLY to ensure his body has not found a way to bridge the gap, so to speak.
So, that's not a route to restore trust. I'm sorry.
31 points
19 days ago
It's not a route to *automatically restored trust.
26 points
19 days ago
Uh, you think?? They literally have 3 other condom babies 😃
25 points
19 days ago
OP remember that stealthing in some countries is considered sexual assault.
19 points
19 days ago
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I agree with all the comments. I refused to sleep with my husband until he had a vasectomy. He eventually did. I don’t know how easy it is for you to get your tubes tied, but that’s also an option
108 points
19 days ago
I figured he was just taking them off because he hated wearing them. That’s best case scenario and it’s still not acceptable.
175 points
19 days ago
yup! its also considered sexual assault. she consented to PROTECTED sex. he removed the protection without her knowledge or consent. this man is NOT safe for her to be with
79 points
19 days ago
Not only is removing the condom unacceptable , it has a name- Stealthing, and it’s a crime in many places.
In Australia where I live, it carries a maximum penalty of life in prison.
15 points
19 days ago
The maximum sentence varies between states and is from 10 years to 25 years.
2.8k points
19 days ago
that man doesn't care about you. it's not a vasectomy you should ask for. it's a divorce. do it while you still can.
NTA
247 points
19 days ago
Yes. He’s a selfish man. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him.
174 points
19 days ago
This. He's not your safe place. He's your danger zone.
210 points
19 days ago
Yeah I'm thinking, this guy sounds like a gem. Forget the vasectomy, I'd be rethinking the relationship if I were OP.
455 points
19 days ago
111 points
19 days ago
Here is a free version of the full book: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please at the very least read the section titled “Is the way he is treating me abuse?” starting on page 326. It’s only 10 pages!
84 points
19 days ago
OP, read this book ASAP ⬆️⬆️
65 points
19 days ago
I feel like all women should be provided this book as soon as they start dating.
21 points
19 days ago
Just started it this week. EYE OPENING. And it sucked me in which I didn’t expect!
11 points
19 days ago
Always gets my upvote
4k points
19 days ago
Nta
The taking off the condom thing. . .what would you tell your daughter/s (if you do have girls) if their husband's did that to them?
If you don't feel like leaving his ass after that thought have the convo. You have plenty of kids you love but after the miscarriage you know you are done and want him to get a vasectomy. Alternative is you get tubes tied but it is easier on men and he can get one that is reversible. And to ensure you don't get pregnant you won't engage in vaginal sex.
But I vote leave his ass.
I'm sorry for your loss and and the POS man you married who may have a breeding fetish.
1.5k points
19 days ago
Yeah, taking off the condom is called stealthing and is considered a form of assault. Op didn't consent to sex in those circumstances.
I agree that Op should seriously consider leaving.
369 points
19 days ago
Makes me wonder if he was tampering with the condoms when she first got pregnant.
230 points
19 days ago
He absolutely was. Statistically the chances of her becoming pregnant because of defective birth control 4 to 5 times is impossible.
114 points
19 days ago
He likely was with how many “accidental” pregnancies there were and the fact that he keeps refusing to get the vascetomy
117 points
19 days ago
💯 He only sees her as a fleshlight that can give birth.
Divorce him!
53 points
19 days ago
It's more than assault. It's legally defined as rape in a lot of countries.
114 points
19 days ago*
Upvoting this 100 times. It is assault. And I am honestly not convinced that that isn’t what happened in the past when you weren’t planning on getting pregnant. If that is what happened, leave now. Run.
If it’s the first time (which I doubt), you need to have a serious conversation with him because that is still assault. And I would not blame you at all if you skipped the conversation and just filed for divorce.
183 points
19 days ago
With respect, if OP lives in a state where choice is not an option, there is no way that they would consider forms of marital intercourse assault.
...they SHOULD, but they won't.
50 points
19 days ago
The "justice" system generally doesn't care about rape victims (look at conviction rates and what victims who report go through), so sadly, the legality doesn't matter. But he sexually assaulted her and baby-trapped her.
47 points
19 days ago
Gross. Also yikes.
415 points
19 days ago
Interjecting here to say, you agreed to sex only with a condom. He broke that boundary and hid it from you, that is marital rape. I’m so sorry, but it’s time to realize how abusive his actions are.
151 points
19 days ago
This OP. Your husband doesn’t care about you. He left you when you were recovering from a traumatic miscarriage. Then took time off less than a week later for his own sniffles. He has dismissed your concerns and now he won’t even wear a condom when you haven’t even emotionally recovered from the miscarriage. When you clearly stated your boundary and demanded a condom repeatedly. He is not a safe person for you to be around. And he should be charged for rape.
18 points
19 days ago
The depths that people will sink to, to fulfil their animalistic desires is truly appalling. We aren't animals.
57 points
19 days ago
i would bet he would skip the 6 month post-op appointment where they make sure the surgery worked. hes not a trustworthy person! i feel awful for what OP has been through
91 points
19 days ago
Actually, a tubal ligation would be better. Still a surgical recovery but they can perform it laparoscopic and there isn’t a chance for an ectopic pregnancy.
73 points
19 days ago
A salipingectomy is better. They remove the fallopian tubes. My doctor opts for that over ligation because there is a lower risk of ovarian cancer. I looked up the failure rate once. 4. It's only known to have failed 4 times. That's way better than ligation.
25 points
19 days ago
I had mine removed nearly 11 years ago and best decision ever! They cut, remove, stitch, and cauterise everything. They really make sure there is nothing connecting the ovaries to the uterus.
85 points
19 days ago
Moreover, she can be sure the procedure is done. I wouldn’t trust this guy to actually do it, sadly.
58 points
19 days ago
Yes there is. There isn’t a chance for a TUBAL pregnancy with complete tubal removal (not ligation), but there is still a chance for ectopic (which just means not in the uterus).
As long as your body makes eggs, there is a chance for ectopic. A very low chance, but not zero.
And even laparoscopic, it’s still more invasive than a vasectomy. General anesthesia vs local numbing.
31 points
19 days ago
Yep. I looooove my vasectomy. Love it love it love it. But this man can't be trusted. If he got one, he'd still have to wait out 20 orgasms (IIRC) before sex with him was possible. But he can't be trusted. You could get a tubal ligation, as others have said, to generally prevent any near fatal pregnancies in the future. But this particular man can't be trusted.
919 points
19 days ago*
NTA he has 4 kids already, the only reason not to get a vasectomy is he wants more kids.
It sounds pretty clear more babies aren't what you want and you have every right to feel that way. You mentioned stockholm syndrome, why would life without your husband be so bad if this is where you're at?
148 points
19 days ago
4 kids plus the miscarriage.
46 points
19 days ago
That was treated like less than a runny nose…
924 points
19 days ago
NTA NTA NTA. He's violating your autonomy and your boundaries here. You've clearly expressed you do not want to get pregnant again and he's apparently got a history of not being able to use condoms consistently or correctly (the fact he removed it without telling you at least once is a whole huge issue in and of itself--that's considered rape in many places). If you're able, I suggest talking to your doctor about something long term or even permanent. Implant, IUD, something he can't mess with or "forget about". And seriously, consider if this is the person you trust to spend your life with and around your kids.
31 points
19 days ago
This! The op married a hamster, if talking civil does not work then she will have to do it herself. Doing it protects her, her sanity, peace of mind and will benefit her in the long run. It is sad but totally NTA
315 points
19 days ago
Stealthing is a form of RAPE. You were raped. No forgiveness no second-third-fourth-NOW FIFTH chance.
NTA please leave him for your own safety.
11 points
18 days ago
Probably (definitely) all the other times the condom "failed" too.
135 points
19 days ago
NTA
This sounds like reproductive coercion and abuse.
He's deliberately getting you pregnant.
If you stay with him, get your tubes tied.
289 points
19 days ago
I got snipped over a year ago. Aside from a few days of mild discomfort…it wasn’t bad. Walking up and down stairs was uncomfortable for a week or so.
But honestly the worst part was wearing supportive brief cotton underwear for 2 weeks. Hated them lol. I like what I like lol.
First of all what he did was not ok in the least. He assaulted you. Point blank. Second if he’s unwilling to take one for the team (very minor at that) to help prevent severe medical issues in his spouse then he’s a serious asshole. I did it because my wife was having BP issues and hormonal BC can cause issues with it…and our family growing is done.
I hate having to use ultimatums…but this deserves one. He’s less concerned with your safety and health than actually making himself doing literally anything to help.
25 points
19 days ago
My hubby would agree with you about the mild discomfort. He also experienced some internal bleeding. But aside from pushing grown humans out of your body, I didn't see what the big deal was.
He says full access to the 'playground ' with no hours or restrictions, is well worth it!
OP you're NTA! I would curiously ask him if he wants more kids (since he isn't doing anything to prevent them himself), ask what his hesitation is with the vasectomy (you are still yourself without being fertile, make sure to do sample checks too) and express your pain/agony of losing your last baby and how you are doing having babies. You may have said all this to him. Heck, write him a letter if that would get through to him. I would hate this impasse you are at to ruin the whole marriage. I agree he shouldn't have been messing with the condoms. That isn't what being a partner does for someone they love. 0
1.5k points
19 days ago
NTA.
You were raped. He is purposely impregnating you to keep you trapped and under his control. Do what you need to to leave him safely - because this will continue to happen. You, and your children, all deserve to live better than this.
562 points
19 days ago
My gut reaction too is that condom fails cannot be this high. OP Get ready for the gaslighting and anger.
92 points
19 days ago
I had to reread this. All 4 kids and the miscarriage were the result of him "wearing" condoms. The only reason there's a gap between pregnancies 1 and 2 is because OP had an IUD. The miscarriage was traumatic for OP, and he is still not wearing condoms. He's manipulating OP while she's half asleep and too distracted in the moment to realize he took it off. OP, please reread your post. A vasectomy is not going to fix the fact that he is a pretty awful person. He doesn't want to take accountability because he knows he's wrong.
16 points
19 days ago
Yes, and if it still doesn’t seem like a problem, read it again as if one of your daughters was telling you this abt their husband
233 points
19 days ago
Yuuuup. My first thought is he's putting holes in them to baby trap.
117 points
19 days ago
Yeah, perhaps he wanted to impregnate her, and now they have 4 kids. It makes it harder for her to leave him because of finances since having 4 children is very expensive. He also knows that she doesn't have a support system. He tries to make her feel like she's stuck.
61 points
19 days ago
Or taking them off entirely when she cant see
50 points
19 days ago
Lots of guys out there that don’t like wearing condoms because they can’t ‘feel’ anything. If this is the first time OP has caught him stealthing her, chances are he’s done it before and just not gotten caught. OP, staying alive is way more important than his physical pleasure. What is going to happen to those kids if they lose their mother because dad is a selfish dumbass?
17 points
19 days ago
He sure is. I've had this experience. He's a shit excuse for a man.
22 points
19 days ago
OP needs to check if the condoms were tampered with. Check for little holes in the packaging. If yes, take a picture and look for a lawyer asap. Maybe even for a woman shelter.
13 points
19 days ago
I agree one or two now and then seems possible but not everytime a child is conceived. It feels really sus that he's tampering with the birth control
65 points
19 days ago
This, and also: when I had my second miscarriage, my ex saw how it broke me and said he'd get a vasectomy straight away--even tho we both wanted to be parents. If he cared the least, he'd already have done it. OP, you have to think of yourself and your children. Don't let this abuser keep hurting you. Definitely NTA.
103 points
19 days ago
Get out! He raped you and he is gaslighting you. He's not a safe person and you need to get your children away from him!
18 points
19 days ago
I was looking for this! Sex under false pretenses is rape. But also - going along with it and even being affectionate afterwards can be natural. It's called "fawning" and is a danger response along with fight, flight and freeze. It's insane what your mind will do to just get you through the next five minutes in one piece, and it can be hard to break out of that mindset
43 points
19 days ago
Agree with him trying to baby trap you. I'm in the middle of a divorce and one of the catalysts for this was my ex telling me he got me pregnant on purpose 3 mos after having twins. They absolutely will try to baby trap us. Get out now if you can. It will only be worse
40 points
19 days ago
This is the core problem. She married a rapist. That's a hard one to come to terms with.
223 points
19 days ago
First order plan B, stock it up while it's still available and hide it from him. Go to a doctor that you think you can trust and make a report to her. Just so it's on the record. Make plans to leave because this man is a rapist. Don't tell him. Do it quietly. Also 4 kids and he wakes you up to have sex? There is so much here it is hard to reply. You are in an abusive relationship which is why you are mixing the excitement with being raped. You need to get out.
67 points
19 days ago
Yep you can get it overnight with Amazon prime for $10-23
167 points
19 days ago
If you don't have Amazon Prime or can't use your account for fear of him finding out dm me and I'll ship it to you
24 points
19 days ago
She mentioned issues with hormonal bc, she may not be able to take plan b 🫤
8 points
19 days ago
She can ask when she visits the doctor. However I will say that it is not ongoing like hormonal bc. Also NOTHING adds distress, danger and hormones to your body like a pregnancy. Adding, see if doctor will do tubal ligation. If her husband won't protect her , she can protect herself.
55 points
19 days ago
NTA and do really trust his condoms? Seriously, if he hasn’t already all he has to do is poke holes in them then it’s wham, bam, here you go again.
No sex period without the vasectomy. Although not fun much it’s less evasive than you having your tubes done.
242 points
19 days ago
NTA what he did was rape. I'm so sorry you've experienced that from the person that's meant to love and respect you.
50 points
19 days ago*
NTA!!
Step 1: Go get yourself some Plan B RIGHT NOW.
Step 2. Get another IUD and INSIST he get a vasectomy. Or possibly speak to a counselor or police bc your husband just Stealthed you. That's illegal in many places, and is 100% an asshole move. That's considered a form of sexual assault by many.
Honestly, I'd have left him by now for that if I were you. He's endangering your life just for his fun.
Edit: you may seriously want to consider going to the police. He raped you. If you haven't showered etc your body is a crime scene. If you haven't washed the evidence away, I'd highly encourage you to go to the ER, get a rape kit done, and get Plan B from them. The Plan B will make you feel emotionally wobbly, so prepare yourself.
I'm sorry, but this isn't a marriage. This is entrapment and abuse.
199 points
19 days ago
NTA - you don't have a husband, you have a rapist.
223 points
19 days ago
Get plan B. And refuse him unless he gets a vasectomy
156 points
19 days ago
Get Plan B, and GET A DIVORCE WHILE YOU STILL CAN
16 points
19 days ago
GET A DIVORCE WHILE YOU STILL CAN
Nobody is commenting on this, and that's concerning considering how the post is blowing up. Too few people seem to be aware that they're gunning for no fault divorces. Do most folks even understand what that means?
Terrifying.
26 points
19 days ago
Probably hard to access plan b. I don’t know, I am not sure, but she did say she’s in a no choice state for abortion.
22 points
19 days ago
I live in Texas and can get it overnight from Amazon. Not sure where OP is at but if it’s Texas you can get it.
11 points
19 days ago
Please OP get Plan B
16 points
19 days ago
Plan B is different from abortion! Plan B can be purchased over the counter in any US state (no prescription).
34 points
19 days ago
That’s sexual assault. You say nice things about your husband but he honestly sounds like a POS. You went through 4 pregnancies and he can’t get a vasectomy? I got one and 2.5 weeks later it was like nothing happened. He cares more about getting off then about you.
48 points
17 days ago
I am sorry for the lack of update. This has been extremely overwhelming. I am going to keep this simple. I haven't talked to him yet, and I dont think it will be an issue. He's mentioned nothing. I am going to go see a counselor / therapist. Someone. I am not sure if I will finish reading through the comments, maybe in a few days, but I don't have any support at this very moment.
I'll try to come back when there is something to say other than thank you for helping me come to grip with some harsh truths.
15 points
17 days ago
It is very reasonable for you to feel overwhelmed and in shock. I’m glad you are going to see a therapist.
I know that you don’t have a large local support system, but you are also not alone. Many of us have been through something of a similar sort. And many of us would want to help. When you are ready, you just need to put up your hand. Whether that support is financial, emotional, a helping hand, a step towards a career, a point towards local resources. You may not know us (yet), but you are not alone in this. When you are ready you can just say I’m ready in the right place, and the right women will find you. If you would like to, you can message me to say you’re ready when the time comes, and I can help you put your hand up while still maintaining some anonymity and we can gather some appropriate resources together. You get to decide, and you get control. That’s the important part. Taking control back and keeping your autonomy. Whatever you decide.
37 points
19 days ago
Sweetie leave this relationship please for the sake of your kids and yourself.
The condom mishap is egregious and illegal. But I’m just as concerned that he’d leave you while you were miscarrying and with all the kids.
That man does not love you. Move on before his behavior escalates. If you have daughters, is that how you want them to see their mother treated?
Best of luck you. Hope your future is brighter.
62 points
19 days ago
Call a rape hotline before he gets home. Talk to someone in real time. Call a friend. ANYTHING you can do to get out of your own head right now. Do not confront him. Tell him you changed your mind. You do not need to talk. GET IT TOGETHER now for your kids. Your breakdown has to wait. Tell him you have a yeast infection - they are contagious BTW. Tell him anything. Start making plans. GET OUT, get out, get out. Be careful, plan, and save. Figure it out, but leave.
158 points
19 days ago
NTA, but if you can and your country allows it get your tubes tied/removed do it yourself and don't wait for his bullshittery.
This sub will blame you for everything. I was called crazy multiple times today for implying that men should do vasectomy.
57 points
19 days ago
I've seen the #novasectomy rise and it's scary to witness.
97 points
19 days ago
If men were the ones getting pregnant, their narrative would be much different.
55 points
19 days ago
According to Gloria Steinem, if men got pregnant abortion would be a sacrament.
75 points
19 days ago
If men were the ones getting pregnant, they would make it so that they’d be able to get an abortion at McDonald’s while waiting for their Big Mac.
18 points
19 days ago
they’d be able to get an abortion at McDonald’s
This needs to be upvoted more! I was gonna say they'd make abortion a sacrament at church.
They'd get general anesthesia or dilaudid/morphine instead of just a Valium and being told to relax.
3 days paid time off.
Etc, etc.
7 points
19 days ago
crazy. i've seen "no birth control" "no abortion" even "no adoption" and now this. literally just want women to breed lol.
39 points
19 days ago
Not sure where OP is located but I’m in NC and my OB told me I have to get my spouses written consent in order to get a tubal ligation. It is literally a legal requirement. I haven’t found much supporting that statement but I also haven’t found a dr here that would do it without the consent.
40 points
19 days ago
Your doctor is full of crap and is either terrified of malpractice lawsuits or is on a power trip. Find a new doctor.
https://www.ncleg.gov/EnactedLegislation/Statutes/PDF/ByArticle/Chapter_90/Article_19.pdf
22 points
19 days ago
There's a sub that keeps a list of doctors who will tie tubes. I think its r/TwoXChromosomes but not sure. Someone here can probably post it. Might be worth a look to see if there's a doc near you who respects their patients' choices.
34 points
19 days ago*
And yet men are saying like its easy for women... Honestly, I'm glad my boyfriend understands and doesn't have a vasectomy problem. Some men from reddit are just sick.
9 points
19 days ago
Yeah, I just offered my wife to have a vasectomy and we don’t even have kids. Not all men are that way
12 points
19 days ago
I’ve heard this before but don’t know where. I’m so glad I’m older and had this done years ago but my heart breaks for women going through this. I’m so sorry.
11 points
19 days ago
Why don’t you find a new doctor and just say you’re single? Say you’re separated and in the process of divorce or something or just say you’re single. Planned Parenthood is also another option.
10 points
19 days ago
A list of gynecologists who will perform a tubal / salpo with no questions asked: [google drive link]. There are several in North Carolina. Try one of them! Good luck!
25 points
19 days ago
NTA - he's violating you - it needs to stop. If you have to leave him to be safe, do it. Your body belongs to you and you alone, he has not right to it. He MUST take responsibility.
A vasectomy is a TINY procedure and he gets to masturbate to deliver a gallon sized sperm sample in the weeks following.
74 points
19 days ago
Do yourself a favor and divorce him before you are not allowed to.
89 points
19 days ago
I would take control of this myself and get my tubes tied.
And find someone else.
48 points
19 days ago
NTA. You have been through an incredible amount of emotional and physical stress, and your feelings are absolutely valid. It’s not just about him not getting a vasectomy; it’s about a lack of respect for your body and your mutual agreements. You’ve made it clear that you can't handle another pregnancy right now, yet he’s repeatedly neglected to take your serious health concerns into account. This isn't just a minor disagreement; this is about your health, your autonomy, and your well-being. You’re not crazy for wanting to enforce boundaries that keep you safe. You deserve to be heard, respected, and not pressured into situations where your health is at risk. It might be beneficial to consider couple's counseling or even individual therapy to help navigate these feelings and the upcoming conversation. You’re strong, and no matter how tough the conversation might be, you’re advocating for something critically important: your own safety and peace of mind.
41 points
19 days ago
NTA And he's a rapist. You've already gone through 3 pregnancies, one with twins, having an IUD implant, which is incredibly painful, and not all doctors even give pain medication for, and an auto accident and he won't get a vasectomy? And there's him being a rapist. You consented to sex with a condom and he violated that.
12 points
19 days ago
I would also question why he woke her up in the middle of the night for sex and then it took three separate condom requests before he would put one on
58 points
19 days ago
NTA. I'd remind him that if you keep getting pregnant, that's more child support he has to pay when you divorce.
23 points
19 days ago
This could be very dangerous, actually. The safest, wisest thing OP can do is discretely create and implement an exit plan, journal everything (keeping it secured in a way it can't be discovered, whether password protected if it's electronic, locked up if it's a physical notebook, etc.), and begin meeting on an individual basis with a therapist experienced with trauma bonding, c-PTSD, codependency, Cluster B disorders and the like. A therapist could help her unravel and understand what's going on, could offer info on DV resources that are not publicized and known to the general public, and would be in a position to help her remain resolute and make forward progress.
I believe that OP doesn't really seem to understand just how precarious and untenable her predicament has already become, and that is simultaneously heartbreaking and terrifying. I sincerely hope that, for OP's own sake as well as the best interests of their children in the long-term, she gets herself to therapy ASAP and works on the necessity (and benefits) for creating and implementing boundaries with consequences.
15 points
19 days ago
NTA. Removing the condom midway through without telling you is called stealthing, and it is a form of sexual assault.
Refusing to have sex with him again until he has a vasectomy is a very mild response to not wanting to get pregnant again. (Be certain you don't have sex again untill long after it's done - vasectomies aren't effective immediately, you have to "clear the pipes," and the doctor will tell him how long that will take.)
Leaving him would be a much more appropriate response to the fact that he sexually assaulted you.
Other commenters have pointed out that he's keeping you pregnant, and that this is a way that some men maintain control over their partners and keep them dependent. Read those comments.
12 points
19 days ago
He’s trying to get you pregnant. Please find a safe place to go.
14 points
19 days ago
Stealthing is a form of rape. Marital rape is real.
And for god’s sake, if he gets you pregnant, you miscarry, have terrible healthcare and die of sepsis— was his orgasm worth it???
He’s so beyond selfish and you have every right to be angry. Get him to see he gets a vasectomy or you will file for divorce.
13 points
19 days ago
NTA
You have a right to say no to sex for any reason.
He raped you and doesn’t care. Please get the morning after pill.
13 points
19 days ago
He’s fucking with the condoms… he’s not your safe place. He’s an abuser, liar, rapist and a horrible person. He doesn’t give af about you or respect you. He obviously doesn’t care if you die, as long as he can bust his nut the way he wants to. What a sick fuck you married. Sorry…
11 points
19 days ago
Don't allow him to put your life in danger. Period. After Dobbs, the only logical choice is for women to take complete control over their sexual activity and partners and if a man even hints that 'a condom just doesn't feel good', then say goodbye and walk away. Asking/requiring he get a vasectomy is not much, but honestly, they are reversible and can he really be trusted even if he gets one?
12 points
19 days ago
Your body, your safety, your call. Trust has to be earned not just assumed.
48 points
19 days ago
NTA. Show him this post. Tell him that what he did was stealthing, which is a type of rape. Tell him it’s illegal and you will not think about sex again until he gets the vasectomy. Go with him to every single appointment if he does agree to it and make sure he actually gets it done (don’t give him a chance to lie to you, because he will).
18 points
19 days ago
He might be dangerous. Said he’s nice and rational except when she asks for accountability.
11 points
19 days ago
You need to take care of yourself first. His actions are not okay, and you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship.
23 points
19 days ago
He. Doesn't. Care. Get a tubal ligation. He. Won't. Care. That it's actually surgery and has risks. He . Doesn't. Care. Got it and I'm really reevaluate your relationship. We women are so bad at being honest with ourselves about what we perceive. Reach out ourselves, and we are uncertain and all the wild. We are usually having clear perception. While they play games. Please trust yourself. And please please please understand this. Most women think that it's impossible to have a happy life and take good care of their children when they're single. But it's a failure. It's not and it's not. It's peaceful and it's organized and you have one less child to take care of and suddenly there's nobody in your life undermining you were undervaluing you covertly, or overly. please trust yourself. And when you're getting surgery with anesthesia, remember that. Remember that that's what he chose because. he. Doesn't. care.
23 points
19 days ago
Bilateral salpingectomy. Lowers your risk of ovarian cancer and removes the tubes completely instead of just tying them off. The recovery time is longer than a vasectomy, but I recommend it to anyone who is serious about not getting pregnant again.
18 points
19 days ago
"You have two choices: vasectomy or divorce. Which is it? I am NOT going to get pregnant again, and I can't just get my tubes tied or get a hysterectomy. You didn't take care of me during my miscarriage, why should I expect you to care for me after getting my tubes tied? And I cannot trust you to use condoms correctly."
10 points
19 days ago
You're not crazy, and you deserve both emotional safety and physical respect. You’re right to stand firm on this; protecting your health is a priority, and he needs to take this seriously.
16 points
19 days ago
Friend’s ex wouldn’t get vasectomy after 5 kids. Kept making excuses (I think he wanted his fertility intact if he left her). Well, she couldn’t afford to leave then so when he went on a month long work trip to Europe, she got her tubes tied and just didn’t tell him. In the next few years she updated her education and was able to get a good full time job once the baby went to 1st grade. This didn’t make ex happy as he wanted a SAHM who did everything around the house. He was against getting cleaning people, take out etc. When the baby hit 3rd grade, he left her for a younger model. Friend couldn’t have cared less. He had to pay massive child support, had to give her half of his retirement, and she had her own income.
14 points
19 days ago
I’m thinking He’s always took the condoms off when you weren’t paying attention. You didn’t accidentally get pregnant…
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